Odyssey of a 20 yr old.( Regular update)daywise journey

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Mickeymouse, Feb 12, 2018.

  1. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Member

    This ain't a success story yet. I believe it shall be. I could never imagine myself writing anything of this kind until 5 months back. I din't even have the slightest idea that i was doing so wrong with myself.

    Prologue:

    At the age of 13 I felt a strange feeling of satisfaction when I rubbed my pennis on to a pillow and felt very satisfying and pleasurable. I got busy with my school I was in std 8. The holidays came and I was free like hell. I used to imagine of any sexually arousing thing and started to masturbate. That time it was atleast over 2-3 times a day for a period of 2 months. My holidays came to an end again the school started I forgot what I actually was doing in the holidays. And everything became normal until one day when I was surfing the internet for my social studies project and can across a pop up as which has girl which aroused me. I remember my pennis going hard within no moments. And started to develop the urge of masturbating. I did with very less knowledge of even knowing what I was doing. I din't even know it was even called masturbation. The days followed and I did the same but this time the intensity of content became stronger. I encountered some statoc porn images that gave me an erection with in no time without even a hand. Everyday after coming back to home from the school I masturbated imagining some thing sexual. If I had access to internet I would jerk off watching those static porn images. Things continued the same way till my class 10. In my std 11 I would masturbate in the mornings too. Sometimes I used to feel tired and eventually used to recover from it. During this time I had develop neck pains. I could not relate it to my habit until 5 months back when I did extensive research. All this time I was normal looking teenager. I used to get erections even looking at my female classmates in std 12( 3 years back). I was done with my exams. And holidays followed I was feeling a little out of shape so started running for 1.5 kms a day at a stretch. I used to run, come back home and masturbate and leave for the coaching classes and come back home masturbate again with Porn. I bought a smartphone and the no of time I did Pmo increased further. I joined engineering ( Under graduation) and continued doing Pmo for the next 3-1/2 yrs. So in all some 2 yrs of MO, 4 yrs of PMO.


    Current scenario


    Things are not going so well. I was feeling tired from a year back but could not give the reasoning why I was feeling so. I was getting short tempered. My grades started to fall. My concentration was all time low. My hair started to fall terrible ( Doctors say I have MPB) and I have lost considerable amount of hair. When I used to visit even the market for small errands I used to feel tired. I developed sunken eyes, pigmentation on the cheeks. Things changed when I realised I was loosing hair and started to study the various factors. I got to know PMO also had a relation with it( if you don't want to believe in it you have a right to but do not spam the comment with you own logics). I used to be very enthusiastic in games but I lost all of it now. I don't have the same energy levels as others of my age group do. My friends call me uncle as I look to old for being called a 20 yr old. Nonetheless I have even started to receive treatment of a 30 yr old in public spaces like 20 yr olds give me respect now. Etc. More importantly I never knew I was facing ED,PE,DE etc whatever until I started to study about the effects of PMO. I am a virgin. When I was in high school I had a strong pennis which could last for about 10-15 mins before orgasming or I could use it twice or thrice in a same stretch. I used to reward myself with porn everytime something good I did. It then gradually became a habit under stress, followed by addiction. But now my flaccid pennis is reduced to just 2 inches.I have been pathetic with my pennis when it dint respond to my hand. Now I ocassionaly get erections when I read something sexual for eg I was reading a success story on Ybr where he described that he had sex and I got an erection though a 40% erection. My erect size is just over 4 inches. Previously I had all the energy to work efficiently all the day despite MO. I must also tell you that quite some 1-1/2 yrs ago I shifted to reading sexual stories and doing MO. No girl gives me a second look now. Previously I was so confident talking to women. But not now. 5 months back one my cousins got married and I compared my self with him he is 29 and I am 29 but I look older than him. In the marriage ceremony those who dint know my age talked to me as if I was a 39-35 yr old. I used to have a very bright face ( Normal) but that changed to a full face now. I am very concerned about my pennis becoming so small now.

    Reboot:

    My reboot essentially started when I realised that I was looking too old for my age and had all premature aging signs I quit all the PMO,MO etc for almost 14 days. I lost the count when I was frustrated when someone shouted on me. During the first try I had no idea about Yourbrainonporn , Nofap,Reddit, Yourbrainrebalenced etc. After the fallout I did Pmo again and developed extreme fatigue. Around 1-1/2 yr back I was getting extremely tired and falling asleep even without porn. But lately I had to use pmo to fall asleep. I wanted to quit and was ready to quit but I was under extreme stress and sleeplessness. Out of desperation to recover and get sleep I consulted a homeopath. To him I described I have a MO habit. And he gave me medications accordingly and some tranquilizing medications. I could go on till day 65 with this reboot. All this while I was facing insomnia and even had to write my semester exams with so less sleep. I broke at day 65 because I had a lifeless pennis. Previously I had no idea whether my pennis was reacting to a hot girl or not. But when I started the journey I got to know that a normal human male should get attracted to female. But this time I was conscious about erections and I could not get any even after looking at them. I also had a preoccupied tension that I was loosing my hair. I lost the count and watched some images I felt the erections when I used my hand to make it erect. The Semen was very thin. I got tensed whether I had low sperm count. This further escalated my tensions. Thought my insomnia could be cured by taking Ashwagandha but it proved to be of little help. I again did a reebot after sheer regret and continued till day 4 lost the count again because I was worried about my erections to a women. I got an erection but link it to Ashwagandha. I tried to make myself so tired that I could sleep. I could ocassionaly fall asleep but I don't wake up being enrrgetic. While writing all this I realise i have so cruel on myself. My body needed rest since a year back but I continued the self abuse. Fantasising makes me erect sometimes not normally. After all this while when my insomnia became very bad Iconsulted a psychiatrist he gave me some anti depressants and sleeping pills. I could feel great with anti depressants for the next 2 days, could even sleep but din't wake up with rejuvenation. I continued the same for 18 days he reviewed but din't consider any of my problems to be problem. Rathersupported Masturbation as a natural practice. Ok if done once or twice in a week it's justified. But I did MO,PMO for over 5-6 yrs. I knew I could not keep the thing going with the psychiatrist. I again went back to homoepath. He gave me some anxiety relieving medications with some to treat my insomnia. But it remains unclear for me are this withdrawal symptoms or that byneurons have gone down. I m on my day 15 of reboot and things are going well know. Before visiting a homeopath I was not able to concentrate in the class etc. But now I am able to. I don't know whether it's the reebot or themedications. But starngely my skin on the palms is coming out terribly. A situation similar to when to take toostrong antibiotics.
    The following are the symptoms that I am currently facing:
    * Chronic fatigue( lower back pain along side neck pain with little physical effort)
    * My eyes feel very exhausted in the morning after a restless sleep.
    *I have ED( NOT SURE When ed is said be confirmed I am getting erectionssometimes but not that strong. For egwhen I am taking the anxiety relieving medications I am getting erections in the night.)
    *P.E ( not sure as din't have sex as yet)
    *D.E( same as above)
    * My joints are paining terribly( if Isweep the whole of my room it shall pain like hell.
    *Cracking of joints( the sharp noise when you move suddenly)
    *Insomnia
    *Brain fog
    *Performance anxiety( I am not married and I should not have this but I am simply worried about the future)
    *I feel very tired in the mornings too. I simply don't have the enrgy.

    Am I facing hormonal imbalance?
    Low Testosterone?
    I have become very ill tempered,someone who doesn't like to socialise much nowadays.

    My parents want me to strive hard in this crucial years but I simply don't have the motivation.
    I feel piety on myself I need to work hard get a job support my father who havestarted to develop old age problems. This morning he came to me seeing me using my phone while I was writing this ( my parents are not aware I was doing MO,PMO) and said you'll have to workhard I shall not be there to support you throughout your life. It was not in soserious tone as it actually sounds but he generally does this to give me motivation to do something beneficial. I felt very terrible after that. Will I be able torecover? Will I be able to enjoy those small small moments of life that I did 2-3 yrs back.
    *My friends have already started to push their limits and working hard to getsomething good in their lives . But I'm busy tackling this fatigue and othersymptoms bust thinking will I be able to get proper functioning penis and will I be able to satisfy my woman if I getmarried. Sometime I feel like no girl will show interest in me.


    Rewiring:

    Nothing as such as I am a muslim and I cannot have sexual contact with a women prior to my marriage.

    I know this is not a success story but I shall make it to be. But I need support, understanding of what I am going through.

    I shall be writing all my experiences atleast twice or thrice in a week during the course of my reboot. I'm an Indian for that matter my English could not be that grt. Kindly try to get the actual essence.

    Thank you APA for the constant support.
     
  2. Hi !
    Wish you the best on your journey.

    Be grateful that you're starting your journey so early, i wish someone told me that PMO will kill my high school social life.
    Also, look for benefits which came with nofap - it's a motivation to keep goin with your journey.

    After reading that i just have one thing in mind - rewire your brain onto something different than focusing on your bad symptoms, weak sides and feeling terrible.
    If you will keep thinking about it, your brain will take it as a fact and will get a habit of thinking bad about yourself.
    Did you consider working out on the gym or trying some sports ? It's something that is boosting your mind and body, something that make you feel better about yourself, helps with confidence as well.
    It's boosting your testosterone, releasing stress, anxiety etc.
    Do you have any passion which can be point of your interests ?
     
    Mickeymouse likes this.
  3. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Member

    Newlifebalance I appreciate your effort. I used to be a mind what you are describing. Although now I simply feel I am exhausted of all the energy. Perhaps sleepless nights to blame. I wanted to try sports in the college but my fellow mates seem to look younger. I look like an uncle I feel why should I give chance to call me an uncle and turn the thing for another day. I am going bald from the crown region. Perhaps I shall be a bald in the 2 year or so. God help me.
     
  4. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Member

    I was just going through YouTube and found this wonderful thing.

     
    APA likes this.
  5. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Member

    I am already on day 16 so expect the thing to start from here. For more details on my previous streaks read the above content.



    Day 16

    It was a holiday for my college it was fest actually. I friends insisted and asked me to be there. But I turned down. Social anxiety to blame. Don't take homeopathy medicines until 10 in the morning and was feeling depressed. So took them and pretty much everything went normal. No motivation whatsoever. APA sent me a link les Brown's speech listened to it. Felt a little motivated. Did the online lectures that I have signed up for. Felt drowsy at 8p.m couldn't fall asleep. Prayed Isha and remained awake till 11.00 in the night watching some nofap stuff on YouTube. The problem with me is I don't get deep sleep these days even the slightest of movements in my room i am able to make out.
     
  6. APA

    APA Member

    aoa, a little question for you you have been on hardmode for 16 days ? this is quite impressive. From your daily report you seems in a good place . you will get proper sleep keep on grinding. Make your goal 90 days and keep on striving you will be surprised how things will change. 'Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves' surah rad. STAY STRONG WAITING FOR YOU NEXT POST.
     
    Mickeymouse likes this.
  7. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Member

    I don't know what you imply by hardmode but I did not fap for 16 days know. I simply din't had the craving. I must tell you I try to look at beautiful women and introspect whether I get a erection or not. But almost all time I don't get erection. I know being a muslim I shouldn't but there is no other way for me to figure out. Yes ocassionaly when I lie on my bed and some random fantasy comes I get erect with a 4 inch pennis. I know APA you din't describe anything related to ed, pennis in your journal. But I feel like my pennis has become weak. So I am worried as a reason in my discussion I speak on it so openly. I also have developed some lines on my fingertips which were not there previously. As I said after I bath with hot water( just above normal) the skin of my palms comes out. A similar type of situation arises when you are on too strong antibiotics. Yes morning wood is there with a size of 4 inch. But quality of semen 16 days ago was pretty thin. I could jerk off for atleast over 4 times in a day until 2-3 yrs back and there still used to be good amount of thick semen. But last time 16 days back when I relapsed I fapped for the first time and the quality was very thin. Subsequently the same day I fapped for another 2 times and disappointingly last time nothing came out. I was dry. Yes during that while also I was facing insomnia. When I retrospect the abuse that I have done the effects were gradual and I dint realise the harm until I thought my teriibel hairloss and pigmentation on cheeks , Smaller pennis was all due the PMO.

    Thanks APA.
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2018
  8. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Member

    Indeed Allah shall help. I have a lot of hopes on him. I must also admit that my faith in God has increased on him since I have started my reboot. Because you see I have already explored the doctors for a solution but all in vain except for some homeopathy help. So he finally made me turn myself towards him. For a creation shall return to his creator when he has no options for himself for previously he considered himself to be wise and din't try to feel a connect with his creator. Kindly remember me in your duas that I recover very fast. I m very glad APA you came as a grt help for me both spiritually and mentally.
     
  9. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Member

    Day 17

    I m writing this at the end of day 17. I was to make a passport for myself( I might be writing( GRE TOEFL ) next year to try for M.S from any good country. Or I shall try for a job in the gulf( Middle east). So for that I went to a saloon so that my photo on the passport comes out to be decent. And the barber nicely carved my beard bleached my face and I look better. I know it's all the credit of bleach. But simply I felt nice when I saw myself in the mirror. Yes there still was a despair for I even saw my balding head in the mirror. I then went to a friend and discussed with him his experience at the defence interview that he faced for almost an hour. I was also a defence aspirant until I realised that being a fapper for almost 5 yrs have done me much harm and my energy levels cannot match what the training shall throw at me. I was pretty confident that I could be a grade 1 officer in India until I realised that my fappiing has done me al harm. Leave all that I felt nice that I could speak to him for an hour. Came back visited the passport office and started freindky conversation with every other being that I could aksing what they do, what should I do in future etc. I previously had a habit of indulging in frequent conversations with strangers were confidently. But you see over the period of time I realised that I was loosing it slowly. I was not loosing it actually but I felt a void. Perhaps that void could have been body image issues. Like as I told I look too old for my age. I have been a very bad self abuser like despite being tired to the brim I would still jerk of too porn. I believe that has been the problem my body has been deprived of all the enrgy reserves. 4 yrs back when I actually started some PMO I was simply running away from social situations ( that time I had no body image issues infact I used to be lanky and used to look of my original age). Now I realise that it was social anxiety. Slowly the amount of anxiety that I developed after PMO ing started to increase. And landed me in the problem.
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2018
  10. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Member

    I just got some thing to tell you guys to justify that PMO had harmed me. I was just lying on the bed and suddenly this thought came to my mind. When I was in my high school my memory was very sharp. I could even remember the registration plate no of the cars that used to be in the parking lot. And I could even recognise the same anywhere in the city. I was like give me any registeration no and I will remember ask me a day after I shall tell you. Things are not the same now. Yes people still believe that I have a strong memory even now and I remember the smallest details of the talk that I have with someone . But things. I don't have clearmind like I used to 3-4 yrs back. I wish someone could have just said me that pmo shall destroy my life. Nonetheless I shall make effort to bring my life to normal.
     
  11. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Member

    I just went through some of the WhatsApp status of one of my friends. He was such an introvert in 1 st yr U.G. I was very confident back then and this guy once came to me seeking help to draft him a good speech for his election into the student body. Back then I just started to loose the confidence and I was running away from real life situations for eg. Even I could have contested the elections but I ran away. In my high school I did some anchoring for my school annual day and everybody was impressed and the incharge of school asked me that should she nominate me for the position of head boy again I ran away. These were the early time when I just started to fap. Although that time confidence was high. But when I see my friend now I relate a confident me of 4 yrs back. I used to be confident interacting with even women until my school. I could not even speak to a girl seeing into her eyes. I have never even tried doing in my U.G. let's see when I shall read this after another 1- 2 yrs how well do I see myself than today.
     
  12. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Member

    I just recollected something interesting when I was fapping earlier over 2 years ago. As I said earlier i was defence aspirant and I went for the selection. I did pretty well with every intelligence test but did terrible in physical test. Moreover I could not find an appropriate place there to fap. I din't fap for almost 5 days that I stayed there. Interestingly I could not sleep despite of the terrible tiredness I had due to the physical tasks. I didnt knew the reason until recently. When I related my reboot with insomnia . But when I got home after 5 days I fapped got tired and slept quite well. So there you go I made my body to learn to sleep when I fap. Is the logic appropriate?. And now when I am on reboot I am not able to sleep. But quitting PMO cannot be the only reason as because 16 days back when I fapped for almost 3 times I still couldn't sleep.
     
  13. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Member

    [QUOTE="APA, post: 674330, member: 14315'Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves' surah rad. STAY STRONG WAITING FOR YOU NEXT POST.[/QUOTE]

    you are so religious that you even now remember the surah that you are quoting. I'm so happy for you.
     
  14. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Member

    Day 18

    Yesterday @day 17 night I got an erection little time after I went to the bed. It stayed there for almost 5-6 mins. I think the aneity releasing medications of homeopathy caused that. Still I couldn't sleep although I was feeling well until 9.00 in the night. I was thinking of joining a GRE coaching institute. But today is day 18 and I am again left with no energy and felt like I cannot go for coaching with this condition. I have become a little more spiritual now. I offered the khaza Fajr followed by some recitation of the holy book. Although it's quite a high time that I have offered Fajr prayers with the jamath. Here in India Fajr is scheduled at 6.10. I am awake that time ( most of the night). But I feel like I don't have energy to wake up. So keep myself lying there. Also I just recalled I just ran away from my farewell party of the high school 3 yrs ago. Everybody was so crazy about the farewell but I was not so excited. I din't attend the ceremony. I relate it to the PMO. My immunity has also gone down. I get sick easily and the natural healing takes more of a time. My bodies homeostasis has been affected when other feel warm I I feel cold when others feel cold I feel warm. Went to college in the later part of the college I was feeling sleepy otherwise were also feeling the same. After the college hunger made it strong I went to a small restaurant there 2 labourers sat infront of me both were looking quite younger than me, full of energy they do quite hardwork daily. I regretted my actions in adolescence. I also recalled one of drivers of autorickshaw who used to fetch me from the school even his sons have become big now they also look sensible now. Also last year same day 14 Feb a one my acquaintances succumbed in a bike accident. It's over a a year now. Time just vanishes. I could really get some good sleep a year back. I should have used my energy for something grt in my life. My dad has been putting some phenomenal hardwork to give us a good life. But what did I use it for I simply wasted my good years. I regret my actions now. It was all a slow gradual process that I don't even recall that I was harming myself. In the college my friends discussed about the valentine's day and taunted me for not having a girl friend. I genuinely do not believe in pre marital relationships. But I felt very humiliated when they said people don't go on a date when they either dint get mature enough to feel that it's a need or they are impotent.What should I relate it to?.They didn't say it directly but I could get the essence. Yes may be the second reason is true to a certain extent. I did mature I had erections I had sperm producing capabilities. But now that have gone down terribly. I could not even understand the fact that while having intimacy with your wife you should cannot masturbate to get an erection. I made myself acquainted to just using a hand to get an erection. I have made myself a crap. Until 3-4 yrs back I was a lanky guy slowly that habit got more firmed in my life I started to gain weight and waist and now it's 36 inches. I don't know both my plans are loosing the skin terribly. My classmates say I am loosing weight now they can make out from my physical appearance. All the things put me in a dilemma am I facing adrenal fatigue? I know medical science doesn't recognise anything as such but more closely to adrenal insufficiency. Yes for sure i have harmed my adrenal with all those PMO session after which I used to feel tired yet continued with the same thing. But I shall not quit. Atleast I am understanding the classes at college better than before. I shall carry on. People say go for 90 days hardmode. I believe after knowing all this Ed, PE etc I shall not do it in my lifetime. I know its different while practising I myself said it even the last time and lost of day 65, day 4, day 13 etc. But this time I shall make it special. Make dua for me.

    Allahafiz.
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2018
  15. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Member

    I was just thinking should I opt for GRE coaching after my college hours. It takes some 1-1/2 hrs to 2 hrs for the coaching. It shall continue for 2-3 months. Also consider that I m not having good sleep. And if I join there I have to really commit. Because I cannot afford to pay the coaching fee twice. I can only afford to take coaching once. Should I let the things become better or simply start?
     
  16. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Member

    I m feeling hopeless now. My sister just shouted on me and I controlled my anger. I didnt retaliate. I am finding for some inner peace. I feel like giving up on life. I don't know if it was a mood swing. But let me see how much truth lies in the fact that Nofap will make things better I shall not quit. I shall carry the thing forward.
     
  17. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Member

    Those temporary sessions of pleasure compromise a much good life. And I am craving for that good life. I m Tring every other thing in desperation but nothing is working.
     
  18. Mcgregor

    Mcgregor Member

    I can not read all of this because i have less time, sorry bro. My advice to you is to start an healthy diet. Moreover you should start to go to the gym. ( Natural dopamine release, healthy, confidence) If you cant go to the gym you should try this youtube home workouts, there are plenty of them. To increase your healing Even more you should start Meditation and cold showers. Search for Wim Hof at YouTube as well.
    Wish you the best!
     
  19. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Member

    Day 18 night



    I woke up in the middle of night. I was restless. I din't go in deep sleep actually. I got a dream where I saw a dead body and I made some scream. I didnt felt like falling asleep again. You know that feeling when you woke up but still feel a strong attraction towards the bed. It was not there. I wonder how i am managing without even a good night's sleep for almost over 4 months now( I had relapses). God save me. I am craving for those normal sleep where in you really feel normal / good after the sleeping session.
     
  20. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Member

    Day 19

    I woke up( again with tiredness) already had a 4 inch boner. While having breakfast I was reading some articles on Ybr where in words like BJ, hj came and I became erect again. I must tell last time I did Pmo 18days ago I don't had the erection to porn too. I had to masturbate using hand to get an erection. Is it that because I don't read much is sexual stuff that I get excited with it easily and because a lot of pmo I couldnt. Also what is the difference between p.e and pre ejaculatory fluid. This morning after the semi boner went away after urinating and while commingled out of restroom I felt there was something leaking from my pennis. This time it was some slightly sticky colourless substance. I don't had this issue when I was doing pmo initially. Is it normal? I think my pennis has become weak such that it's not even able to hold its muscles strong. My flaccid size is just under 2 inches. While commuting to college I was so frustrated I felt I like verbally abusing the ones who were coming in my way. I was like I I should race my bike and go hit it into somebody. Perhaps I was having the frustation that my pennis has become so weak. Again the college was so tiring. Previously it never used to be. Until a 1-1/2 yr ago. So effectively all this damage started to become evident from a year back. I can relate to the fact that as to why I was not able to concentrate on my subjects like I did in my high school. Felt terrible when saw a married couple in the market when I went to but some books of my course. I was worried will I be able to have a happy family. While commuting back home I saw a deputy police Cheif probably of 35 driving past in his mighty Toyota and other subordinates deployed on the streets where saluting him. I have always wanted to be a civil servant. But when the actual time of preparation came I realised I had already harmed myself bad. At home my legs were aching as I was standing for almost an hour in the market. I just pray to God that I feel normal and I can put all my energy into making my life better. Kindly pray that my tomorrow shall be better.


    Aameen.

    Allahafiz.
     
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2018

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