Odyssey of a 20 year Old.

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by Mickeymouse, Feb 11, 2018.

  1. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Member

    This ain't a success story yet. I believe it shall be. I could never imagine myself writing anything of this kind until 5 months back. I din't even have the slightest idea that i was doing so wrong with myself.

    Prologue:

    At the age of 13 I felt a strange feeling of satisfaction when I rubbed my pennis on to a pillow and felt very satisfying and pleasurable. I got busy with my school I was in std 8. The holidays came and I was free like hell. I used to imagine of any sexually arousing thing and started to masturbate. That time it was atleast over 2-3 times a day for a period of 2 months. My holidays came to an end again the school started I forgot what I actually was doing in the holidays. And everything became normal until one day when I was surfing the internet for my social studies project and can across a pop up as which has girl which aroused me. I remember my pennis going hard within no moments. And started to develop the urge of masturbating. I did with very less knowledge of even knowing what I was doing. I din't even know it was even called masturbation. The days followed and I did the same but this time the intensity of content became stronger. I encountered some statoc porn images that gave me an erection with in no time without even a hand. Everyday after coming back to home from the school I masturbated imagining some thing sexual. If I had access to internet I would jerk off watching those static porn images. Things continued the same way till my class 10. In my std 11 I would masturbate in the mornings too. Sometimes I used to feel tired and eventually used to recover from it. During this time I had develop neck pains. I could not relate it to my habit until 5 months back when I did extensive research. All this time I was normal looking teenager. I used to get erections even looking at my female classmates in std 12( 3 years back). I was done with my exams. And holidays followed I was feeling a little out of shape so started running for 1.5 kms a day at a stretch. I used to run, come back home and masturbate and leave for the coaching classes and come back home masturbate again with Porn. I bought a smartphone and the no of time I did Pmo increased further. I joined engineering ( Under graduation) and continued doing Pmo for the next 3-1/2 yrs. So in all some 2 yrs of MO, 4 yrs of PMO.


    Current scenario


    Things are not going so well. I was feeling tired from a year back but could not give the reasoning why I was feeling so. I was getting short tempered. My grades started to fall. My concentration was all time low. My hair started to fall terrible ( Doctors say I have MPB) and I have lost considerable amount of hair. When I used to visit even the market for small errands I used to feel tired. I developed sunken eyes, pigmentation on the cheeks. Things changed when I realised I was loosing hair and started to study the various factors. I got to know PMO also had a relation with it( if you don't want to believe in it you have a right to but do not spam the comment with you own logics). I used to be very enthusiastic in games but I lost all of it now. I don't have the same energy levels as others of my age group do. My friends call me uncle as I look to old for being called a 20 yr old. Nonetheless I have even started to receive treatment of a 30 yr old in public spaces like 20 yr olds give me respect now. Etc. More importantly I never knew I was facing ED,PE,DE etc whatever until I started to study about the effects of PMO. I am a virgin. When I was in high school I had a strong pennis which could last for about 10-15 mins before orgasming or I could use it twice or thrice in a same stretch. I used to reward myself with porn everytime something good I did. It then gradually became a habit under stress, followed by addiction. But now my flaccid pennis is reduced to just 2 inches.I have been pathetic with my pennis when it dint respond to my hand. Now I ocassionaly get erections when I read something sexual for eg I was reading a success story on Ybr where he described that he had sex and I got an erection though a 40% erection. My erect size is just over 4 inches. Previously I had all the energy to work efficiently all the day despite MO. I must also tell you that quite some 1-1/2 yrs ago I shifted to reading sexual stories and doing MO. No girl gives me a second look now. Previously I was so confident talking to women. But not now. 5 months back one my cousins got married and I compared my self with him he is 29 and I am 29 but I look older than him. In the marriage ceremony those who dint know my age talked to me as if I was a 39-35 yr old. I used to have a very bright face ( Normal) but that changed to a full face now. I am very concerned about my pennis becoming so small now.

    Reboot:

    My reboot essentially started when I realised that I was looking too old for my age and had all premature aging signs I quit all the PMO,MO etc for almost 14 days. I lost the count when I was frustrated when someone shouted on me. During the first try I had no idea about Yourbrainonporn , Nofap,Reddit, Yourbrainrebalenced etc. After the fallout I did Pmo again and developed extreme fatigue. Around 1-1/2 yr back I was getting extremely tired and falling asleep even without porn. But lately I had to use pmo to fall asleep. I wanted to quit and was ready to quit but I was under extreme stress and sleeplessness. Out of desperation to recover and get sleep I consulted a homeopath. To him I described I have a MO habit. And he gave me medications accordingly and some tranquilizing medications. I could go on till day 65 with this reboot. All this while I was facing insomnia and even had to write my semester exams with so less sleep. I broke at day 65 because I had a lifeless pennis. Previously I had no idea whether my pennis was reacting to a hot girl or not. But when I started the journey I got to know that a normal human male should get attracted to female. But this time I was conscious about erections and I could not get any even after looking at them. I also had a preoccupied tension that I was loosing my hair. I lost the count and watched some images I felt the erections when I used my hand to make it erect. The Semen was very thin. I got tensed whether I had low sperm count. This further escalated my tensions. Thought my insomnia could be cured by taking Ashwagandha but it proved to be of little help. I again did a reebot after sheer regret and continued till day 4 lost the count again because I was worried about my erections to a women. I got an erection but link it to Ashwagandha. I tried to make myself so tired that I could sleep. I could ocassionaly fall asleep but I don't wake up being enrrgetic. While writing all this I realise i have so cruel on myself. My body needed rest since a year back but I continued the self abuse. Fantasising makes me erect sometimes not normally. After all this while when my insomnia became very bad I consulted a psychiatrist he gave me some anti depressants and sleeping pills. I could feel great with anti depressants for the next 2 days, could even sleep but din't wake up with rejuvenation. I continued the same for 18 days he reviewed but din't consider any of my problems to be problem. Rather supported Masturbation as a natural practice. Ok if done once or twice in a week it's justified. But I did MO,PMO for over 5-6 yrs. I knew I could not keep the thing going with the psychiatrist. I again went back to homoepath. He gave me some anxiety relieving medications with some to treat my insomnia. But it remains unclear for me are this withdrawal symptoms or that by neurons have gone down. I m on my day 15 of reboot and things are going well know. Before visiting a homeopath I was not able to concentrate in the class etc. But now I am able to. I don't know whether it's the reebot or the medications. But starngely my skin on the palms is coming out terribly. A situation similar to when to take too strong antibiotics.
    The following are the symptoms that I am currently facing:
    * Chronic fatigue( lower back pain along side neck pain with little physical effort)
    * My eyes feel very exhausted in the morning after a restless sleep.
    *I have ED( NOT SURE When ed is said be confirmed I am getting erections sometimes but not that strong. For eg when I am taking the anxiety relieving medications I am getting erections in the night.)
    *P.E ( not sure as din't have sex as yet)
    *D.E( same as above)
    * My joints are paining terribly( if I sweep the whole of my room it shall pain like hell.
    *Cracking of joints( the sharp noise when you move suddenly)
    *Insomnia
    *Brain fog
    *Performance anxiety( I am not married and I should not have this but I am simply worried about the future)
    *I feel very tired in the mornings too. I simply don't have the enrgy.

    Am I facing hormonal imbalance?
    Low Testosterone?
    I have become very ill tempered, someone who doesn't like to socialise much nowadays.

    My parents want me to strive hard in this crucial years but I simply don't have the motivation.
    I feel piety on myself I need to work hard get a job support my father who have started to develop old age problems. This morning he came to me seeing me using my phone while I was writing this ( my parents are not aware I was doing MO,PMO) and said you'll have to work hard I shall not be there to support you throughout your life. It was not in so serious tone as it actually sounds but he generally does this to give me motivation to do something beneficial. I felt very terrible after that. Will I be able to recover? Will I be able to enjoy those small small moments of life that I did 2-3 yrs back.
    *My friends have already started to push their limits and working hard to get something good in their lives . But I'm busy tackling this fatigue and other symptoms bust thinking will I be able to get proper functioning penis and will I be able to satisfy my woman if I get married. Sometime I feel like no girl will show interest in me.


    Rewiring:

    Nothing as such as I am a muslim and I cannot have sexual contact with a women prior to my marriage.

    I know this is not a success story but I shall make it to be. But I need support, understanding of what I am going through.
     
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2018
  2. APA

    APA Member

    Hello. They seem to be symptoms of mild depression , They will all go away when you will have a paradigm shift and your focus will change .
     
  3. Mcgregor

    Mcgregor New Member

  4. Mcgregor

    Mcgregor New Member

    And yes - you will recover for sure bro!
     

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