My way to Liberty

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Libertad, Oct 22, 2013.

  1. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    It's very difficult to take on life's pain when your adrenals are weak.

    We go into fight or flight and then we crash and burn, our mind learns this and we "avoid". I've had to build up my adrenals like mad and lately it's all paying off, especially after I took all stimulants out of my life and cranked up my vitamin C intake. That was huge for me, also pretty high intakes of vitamin b6, magnesium, and calcium, all the b vitamins really.

    I'm naturally going to sleep earlier and waking up earlier, and this is also have a very positive effect on my over all health. Could be that this is helping my adrenals as well, I've gone to bed pretty easily around 10:00 p.m. lately.

    You're on the right track.

    Once you heal your body (and staying off PMO definitely heals the body by taking out all those huge adrenaline spikes) it's so much easier to control your mind. That has been my experience anyway, I think it will be for you too in time. Keep going.
     
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  2. Libertad

    Libertad Active Member

    Makes sence. I also have this condition called pyroluria or HPU. I´m taking for already six weeks now 210mg of zinc, and 200mg of P5P the active form of B6, also Magnesium and other B-Vitamins and Betain HCL for stomach acid. Besides from that I take Nystatin to fight the Candida and avoid gluten and to much carbs. Havent had a coffee for six weeks also. Will see how it goes. Despite eating healthy for more than three years now, my Digestion was always a mess. If you cant Digest properly you can eat as healthy as you want, it will not help. I hope that with reducing the Candida, every one has it, but it only is harmfull if it goes into overgrowth like after a treatment of antibiotics, I hopefully can digest my food better, it is so important also for the serotonin levels. If the gut is a mess the mood and the immun system are a mess too.
    My sleeping pattern change seems to work. Today I woke up at 4am and feel refreshed. I hope the changes continue in this direction.
    The temptations come and go. Yesterday I had such a moment laying in the bed and day dreaming for a moment how nice it would be to do PMO. In my case it often comes when I´m worried about my future.
     
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2017
  3. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Beautifully put, TT!
     
  4. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Man, you clearly have a lot of self awareness around what's been going on for you. I have almost no doubt that you will eventually find a peace within, my friend.


    You're doin' great.

    One day at time, that's it.


    Sometimes one moment at a time!


    It's good to experiment (and I was happy to read it's workin' for ya). Just a note, though, that the latest I heard was that some people do have unusual body clocks and, I think it was up to 20% of folks find themselves healthier and happier (and more productive) on a late to bed/ late to rise cycle. In Scandinavia somewhere they already give that option to high-school students because statistically, teens tend to lean heavily in that direction (much more than the general population). Perhaps it's hormones or some such, but apparently they're not just lazy and irresponsible! And yeah, apparently there are adults that thrive on it, too.

    Hard times, Brother!!

    I send you posi-vibes of healing and the encouragement to keep on with lookin' after yrself.

    You're doin' great.

    Awareness is key. You got it goin' on, mate.
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2017
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  5. Libertad

    Libertad Active Member

    Thanks man. That was exactly what I needed yesterday. Your support means a lot.
    At the moment I´m at a critical point. Around 20 to 30 days was the point that I was not able to overcome during the past two to three years. Maybe it has something to do with the willpower getting weak after three to four weeks and if I dont have habbits and patterns in place and a solid plan or project that motivates me to continue and to support me during the havy temptations, than what is left from the willpower is not enough to resist the urges. So I need to be very carefull over the next few days.
    I`m doing things I like, even they are not the healthiest, but I decided that it is ok for this period in the process as long as they are less harmfull than PMO in the long term. I was watching like seven hours a serie on netflix. My priority is clear at the moment, find other ways to deal with the feelings and temptations and when feeling like it, than do something uplifting and constructive. Nearly everything is better than to go back to PMO. It is almost like a negociation with myself at the moment. Ok, I will watch three episodes on netflix and than do my exercises. After two more episodes I will clean my table and do the dishes. And the funny thing is, that it is working. I get things done, even it is a slow process, but it is better than nothing and I´m well aware that every moment I´m only a blink away of a relapse.
     
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2017
  6. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    That is a great strategy. I do a lil' similar sometimes. Like yesterday eve I did Catch up on One Journal Here, then 15 mins of self-care (do dishes, sweep floor, prep for the morra) then another Catch Up Here, then some more self-care. Sometimes I do similar with TV or Movies.

    You're doin' great, Ltd. So great. Seems a perfect balance between being gentle on yourself and staying true to the mission, staying clean.

    Let's do this.
     
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  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yes, it is working. Your strategy is solid, bro'. Don't worry about day 30, that's the addict talking, trying to make you feel fearful. I'm loving how the real Libertad is shining through. :)
     
  8. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Love that plan.
     
  9. Libertad

    Libertad Active Member

    Thanks guys.
    I have not much to say today but I wanted to come here to post in my Journal ones per day to keep me reminded and on track. My mood is all over the place, but it is part of the process. I will not pay to much of attention to it. Just do everything I can to stay on track even with distracting myself othervise. I have two tasks that need to be done today, letters I have to write, which I was avoiding for weeks, and I hope that I can persuate myself to do them. My pain avoidance ego is a tough negotiator when it comes to do things.;)
     
  10. Libertad

    Libertad Active Member

    Thanks Saville, you have been a true help and support on my journey so far with speaking openly about your approach to getting things done. It was often exactly what I needed in that moment. 40New30 your insides about Supplements and hormonal and chemical imbalances have helped me a lot. You gave me a lot of new ideas in the past to research.
    Even I have a few stressfull things in my life right now and a few negative people which I simple could not avoid so far, it is going ok. I´m quiet happy with the progress so far. It will take time and I hope I can stay on track. I also think, that to much of evaluation about the mood, feelings and state of mind doesn´t make much sence in the first three months because the hormones and chemicals can be eratic and all over the place. With this approach I´m more calm and relaxed and not looking always for the next obstacle. They will come from time to time, and I will be depressed like I´m today, but I´m in this for the long run. I hope I can do it even I´m not very confident in the moment.
     
    Saville likes this.
  11. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    You are doing fine, it seems. 23 days clean is very good achievement! But one day at time, as always. Do you have any other new activities or interest to look for in your life? If we are stuck following just those old worn familiar patterns, we very easily feel our lives being dull and uninteresting. That could lead us back to P use, because feeling the indifference of it all. I think we need both, abstinence from P and active recovery by taking small steps in the right direction to make it work.
     
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  12. Libertad

    Libertad Active Member

    You are totally right about that. In fact I think thats a big part why I was able to stay clean over the last few days. I started a small financial project for a small business. I´m doing it very slow and hopefully steady, because in the past I often became discouraged and overwhelmed and one of my biggest mistakes is to compare myself with others. So I try to avoid that this time. Maybe it wont work, but the small steps and little successes over the last six weeks gave me a bit of confidence. It is to soon to put to much hope into it and also I dont want to make my mood or abstinence from PMO dependent of a project, but it gives me motivation to get up in the morning and that is what counts in the moment. As long as it helps to stay away from PMO and makes me feel a little better about myself I think it is ok. I try to become more independant not only financially but also emotionally from the opinion of others. What hurted me the most was the mockery of my parents or others. So I try to protect myself this time.
     
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2017 at 11:57 AM
  13. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is an important insight, Libertad. It's clear to see how you're getting stronger. :)
     
  14. Libertad

    Libertad Active Member

    Thanks Saville.
    Yesterday I had a fight with my parents. The trigger was again hurtfull things and wounds from my childhood. I havent found a way to heal this things. They are like trigger points waiting underneath to be touched and then I explote.
    Because I havent found a healthy way to deal with them and heal, I think more and more that it would be good to go no contact for a while, even if it seems cruel for me at the moment. I wish there was another way to deal with the past. But time has not helped with this wounds from the past. Maybe if I want a better relationsship with them in the future than no contact for a year or so is maybe the only way. Who knows how many time they have left. So maybe the sooner the better to go separate ways for a period of time. It will be a hard thing to do, but I feel like I cant grow into a man when I´m still so close to them and so dependant on their opinion or triggered by them.
     
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2017 at 9:25 AM
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    They trigger them, but we allow it to happen. YOU are in charge of yourself. I think a period of no-contact is absolutely in order. If they destabilize you at this point then it's best not to see or hear from them. They are stuck in their ways and will never change. My mom also used to push my buttons and so I had to limit my exposure to her. Toxic people LOVE to suck us down.

    25 days is freaking fantastic. This is your journey alone. It isn't your parent's, your siblings, your friends, or anyone else's. Everyone else can fuck off! My wife still tries to suck me back down into being a powered down loser. She's programmed that way. She can fuck off! I don't feel angry about it, either, I just know that she has nothing to offer me in terms of moving forward with my life. If she did then she would have shown me that by now. Your parents are the same.

    It's exciting and freeing to know that we are in charge of our own lives. :)
     
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  16. Libertad

    Libertad Active Member

    Thanks Saville for your support.
    About the excitment when realizing that I´m in charge of my live, I have to admit that I´m still in the fase that I´m more frightened than excited. So there are still a lot of room to improve and grow for me.
    Another realization from yesterday, that because of the false believe that I´m worthless, I often use helplessness or weakness to get help because in my twisted mind I think that when getting help from others I receive love or worth. I dont know if I can explain it right, but in the past I often helped People, like repairing their cars, helping when they moved or things like that. And even they have been kind I always felt empty because I thought, they dont mean me, if another person would do the same for them, they would be as kind also, so it has nothing to do with me. To feel from time to time worthy I was using, as mentioned above, helpnessness or weakness to get help from time to time from others without offering or giving something back, so I could be sure that they did it for me and not because they wanted something in return. It is also like a craving to feel worth something. I´m still not at the point where I feel worthy inside. I will have to step out of my comfort zone more, and fill this void inside with nurturing myself. It still often feels like egoistic but like in the example with my parents in the previous post, I see it as the only way to become whole as my own me. Thanks Saville for helping me to see it more clearly and it helped me to become more courageous. One day at a time. I will go as slow as I need to with this. I have fucked up 44 years in beeing a nice guy, so a few weeks or even months dont matter to much. It seems better to me than go to fast and than getting overwhelmed and discouraged what was often my problem in the past. Slow and steady.
     
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2017 at 8:36 AM
  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This isn't twisted, it is a normal reaction to someone who lacks self-worth. In fact, every single person on this planet needs validation from others. There are greater and lesser degrees of this, but we all want to be seen. The awesome thing is that following the program of No PMO/NO FAP this type of thing drops away, without us even having to try.

    Yes, it feels egotistical, but what it really is, is survival. As a former Nice Guy it was hard for me to even write something that was just about myself, because that meant taking the risk that maybe I'm not that nice, after all. ha ha As you can see, I'm over worrying about that. I write/talk in stark terms, because that helps me always keep the focus on myself. At some point the nuance comes back into our life, but these early days of recovery are all about us and our journey...no one else counts.

    This is a HUGE realization and was vital to my own recovery. I still go slow now. I walk more slowly, I eat slower, I work at an easier pace. It's basically a form of mindfulness without having to think "Oh, I should be mindful." :)

    Love your honesty and the wisdom you are gaining, Libertad. Reminds me to keep pressing forward for myself.
     
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  18. Libertad

    Libertad Active Member

    Thanks man. This means really a lot to me.
    From my sourounding family I was always taught to put myself last. I think it is often the case when the family is into christian religion. You get taught that you are a sinner, even as a child and you cant remember doing something bad, so I came to the conclusion that there is something wrong with me in very early years.
    So you grow up with the believe that you have to be different than how you actually are to be loveable and worthy. Thats when I abandoned myself, my inner child and my priority became to look for validation from outside and how I have to behave to get seen as a good person. The Nice guy was born.
    I will try to reverse this process. One practical step is to care about my selftalk, it was often extremly negative.
     
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2017 at 2:33 PM
  19. Libertad

    Libertad Active Member

    Nothing new to report. I try not to pay to much attention to my depressed state of mind. Not easy, but it is better then to think about it the whole day. So another day of distraction with a part of constructive things and a big part of watching movies. Maybe over time I can slowly increase the percentage of constructive things without relapsing. As I said, I will go as slow as I need to to not fall back. It motivates me more to see little changes for the better than to make two big steps forward and than three steps backwards. It also takes a lot of pressure away and makes the journey more relaxing and in allowing myself to go in my own pace changed my thinking about my self, like giving my innerself more value. Not sure if I used the right words, but it is like thinking that I´m worth to find my own pace even if this means I´m the slowest person on this planet, this view reduced my selfhate a lot in the last few weeks. Take care you all.
     
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2017 at 1:44 AM
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  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Brother, you are absolutely in recovery. The understanding you are showing of yourself is on point!
     

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