My path

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Oneway, Nov 18, 2016.

  1. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Posi vibes to you, Bro. Remember to breathe! Actually, sitting down and focusing on some long, slow, deep breathes will likely help.

    One day at a time!
     
    Oneway likes this.
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I love how your owning this bro!
     
    Oneway and Billy B. like this.
  3. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Thanks Billy and Saville.

    6 days.

    Slightly easier day. At times still strong urges. Practiced deep breathing which really seems to help. Practiced also prayer and went to gym which also helps. Need a wide arsenal of tools to take the edge off from the urges.

    These early days my absolute main goal is just to stay clean. It is the only way to gradually restore my self-control. It is quite clear that I have condition called hypofrontality which means that the part of my brain responsible for making rational decisions has been damaged because of porn usage. This is how yourbrainonporn describes it:

    "Eliminating porn use often strengthens your executive control, which resides in your frontal cortex (behind your forehead). Assessing risk, making long-range plans, and controlling impulses are under the control of the frontal cortex. The term hypofrontality is often used when describing how addictions weaken and inhibit these self-control circuits. It takes time, and consistency, to return these circuits to full working order."

    Good news is that estimately 6 weeks clean will reverse hypofrontality (at least some, hopefully most of it) and restore control to myself again. So my plan is to keep the access to internet very limited at least until I reach 40 days. Then I will make a re-assesment of the situation and maybe start to gradually loosen the restrictions.

    I will use the 40 days to learn to surf the urges which (as I understand it) is deep breathing combined with neutrally observing the reactions urges cause in my body and mind. Goal is to stay with the urge and not react to it. With deep breathing ride it out until it diminishes. I will also reintroduce practices I found useful in my previous clean stretch. Not deliberately feeding the addiction by fantasizing or looking anything stimulating I may encounter in real world or on-line. Trying to make each choice I make something that takes me small step further away from the addiction.

    I will also introduce practices that are just generally good for me. Go to gym (this I do already, but plan is no to skip excercises any more), eat healthy (much room for improvement here), refocus on my spritual life (I'm a christian) and make plans for the future.

    Specially I need a plan how to proceed with many things that needs to be taken care of before June and up-coming separation (and probably divorce). It is something that is causing me quite a lot of stress at the moment. So many open issues in addition to feelings that are all over the place. Fluctuating between slight hopefulness, loneliness, deep desperation and everything in between.

    But most importantly. Anything I wrote above has no value if I don't stay clean today. So I will.
     
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2017
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  4. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Gotta love ya, Bro. Going through reboot with all that separation/divorce stuff looming must be no picnic.

    I send you posi-vibes.

    Once again, its great to see you tackling it with such a broad brush. Well done. You'll get there.

    One day at a time.
     
  5. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Oneway: You seem to have quite hard but yet also interesting times ahead. Do not worry too much about them in advance, though. As you so well put it, its important now just to focus to feel better by tackling this addiction by using lots of methods which influence general well-being as well.
    Take one moment at time.
    Sounds like you have well planned how to succeed in this.
    I hope you all the best and resilience for this journey!
     
  6. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Thanks Billy and titan.

    I have a tendency to worry about the future too much. Part of it is probably genetic (my grandmother was the same) but I would like to learn to live more in the present not stressing so much about things that may or may not happen.

    My experience is that implementing other good practices in your life has some synergy to rebooting. When you feel good about yourself in small things and you have a feeling that your life is in order (at least parts you can affect) it gives extra motivation to stay away from porn also.

    7 days.

    Didn't practice what I preach yesterday. Too much laying on the couch, too much eating and too much netflix. Also too much pondering future life scenarios and stressing about them. I skipped also gym, even if I yesterday declared not to do that anymore...

    Finally in the afternoon I got tired of how I felt and asked myself "what can I do to make the rest of this louzy day even a little bit better?". Forced myself to go out for a walk and made a healthy meal. It is funny how such small things can have an effect. Felt better afterwards. Felt that I have some control and there is order in my life.

    I expect coming week to be the most difficult one. I think 99% of my more serious reboot attempts have failed between days 7-14. Feeling a bit scared that I'll fail again. I guess there isn't much more I can do to prepare than what I have already done, so we'll just have to see how it goes.
     
  7. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    The slip is very likely to start just in the ways you wrote. Its little self-neglect, which will slowly, almost imperceptible accumulate until... BOOM! You know it already and that you wrote about it shows that you are already aware of this and can change the tide yet. You already did that when saved the evening with right things. Its never too late, even lousy day can end up with more high note.
    You also wrote that you do not want to think future and worry about it too much in advance, yet faced again your concern about the coming week. I know this, Im just like you in that (my grandmother was also deeply worried about everything). I know you fully well know this again, but its just good to remind: its better to focus for just this day, this hour, this moment now. Future will come in due time and then we will focus to it when its here.
    Week of freedom! In my books, thats already an awesome accomplishment and shows that you are fully capable of doing this. But just one moment at time. :)
     
    Oneway likes this.
  8. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Yeah, mate. Well saved yesterday and when you find yrself worrying about how you might go this next week, maybe just re-frame it into manageable chunks: one day, one hour, one moment.

    You can do it!
     
  9. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    8 days.

    Yesterday I went to gym and now feeling the pleasant soreness in my body. Also did some cleaning and in general tried to use my time in more productive way. It was a pretty good day. Had some urges also. Pretty strong ones too but my p-filters saved the day once again. Knowing that they exist makes me not to take that first step following the urges. Practiced deep breathing to ride them out instead.

    Today going back to work where I have my work laptop which lets quite a lot of stuff trough regardless of the company provided p-filter. I can't binge on porn there, but little peeks here and there are possible and certainly would set me up to uninstall the filters in my other devices and PMEO at home later.

    So being aware of the situation I plan to use urges I probably get at work as a possibility to practice urge surfing. In time it is crucial for me to learn to live with open internet and cope with urges.
     
  10. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Yr all over it, mate. Doin' superbly well.
     
  11. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Thanks for the encouragement Billy.

    9 days.

    My sleep has been better last couple of months thanks to prescription pills I got. They have improved my sleep specially so that I don't wake-up so early in the morning and if I do, I can go back to sleep more easily.

    However last night was different. I didn't sleep well at all. Withdrawals maybe or then just the stress from all the stuff that's going on is getting to me. Feeling a bit fatigued now and not so excitedly awaiting for the withdrals to kick in with full force.

    Oh well. I quess there is no other way than to suffer through. One day at a time.
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  12. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Good work, Oneway! It surely is good to be aware of that lack of sleep and how it could influence your thoughts and mood for today. Sleep is very important to brain, and if theres not enough of it, the brain kind of starves and easily begin to seek alternative ways which are numbing.. You know what I mean. Try to take little nap if possible. For me, like 10-30 minutes work best. Longer naps tend to affect badly to nights sleep.

    Keep going on, learning and discovering along the way! Lets take this as a challenge, a way to learn and grow. Im trudging right behind you! :)
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  13. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Thanks Titan! This sure often feels like trudging...but as long as we're moving in the right direction it's fine.

    10 days.

    Easy day. Urges seem to have gone on holiday. Didn't have any yesterday. Maybe I have entered a flatline.
     
  14. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    One day at a time!

    I know it's a cliche but it also happens to be a very useful mindset for those of us challenged by addiction. We keep on trudging and it's always much less overwhelming to think about getting through just... until bed time. Thats a managable bite and one after t'other, they'll get us there in the end.

    Peace to you, Bro.
     
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Things sound super positive for you, Oneway. Stay the course! :)
     
  16. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    11 days.

    Discussed the details of the coming separation with my wife yesterday. Detailed stuff like who gets what and so on. We seemed to find agreement on most of the things and all was good for a while, but this morning received a text message from her where she opened things up again that I thought were already settled. This is so frustrating. My stress levels were peaking after receiving the message and exhanging a few more in not so friendly manner. I would just like to get over with it and continue my life.

    Feeling the emptiness inside which would be so conveniently filled with pmo. But I guess I won't go there today. I'll just trudge along and hope tomorrow will be better.
     
  17. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    I know those thoughts way too well myself.. when something akin like that happens, it feels like nothing really matters and how convenient it would be just to escape.
    But...

    This is actually good, because just at the days like these the real battle will be fought. Now you can show yourself that you can survive. Now its time to put your determination to the test and if you manage through these difficult feelings, you emerge more empowered and happy with yourself. I know this to be true, because you gave me this same advice not long ago and it really helped me back then.
    Remember, there are better days ahead and you are worthy no matter what!
     
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  18. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Thank you so much Titan!

    What you wrote is spot on. It gave me extra boost and motivation I needed.
     
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I understand exactly what you mean. One thing I've gotten better at, though, is going with the flow this past year. Shits going to happen, but I can still do my life while it's going on. It's not always fun, but the hours we wish would fly to conclusion are also hours of life slipping past.

    You're doing great, Oneway. I can see the fighter rising up in you.
     
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  20. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    Oneway, I just started reading your journal this morning and must say that I'm moved by your sincerity and desire to "clean up your life," rid yourself of this affliction. I'm rooting for you brother. From what I can tell, you're growing, learning, gaining insights. I almost divorced my wife 5-6 years ago and it was a very difficult time. I had met someone else. I later fessed up, little by little. While far from perfect, our relationship is now better than it ever has. In your case, it seems like the divorce is a done deal. Maybe it's for the better. Wishing you strength and wisdom to live each day PMO free.
     

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