Musicman Journal 2.0

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Musicman 2.0, Nov 13, 2016.

  1. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Great stuff! Excellent for me to read about the positive benefits of recovery as I'm in something of slump at the mo'. I think it was 40 who told me he had some major issues with fatigue in the seventies. That may be what's going on for me. It's a journey, up and down, but even in my darkest moments I can usually manage a smile at the fact that I have been clean this long and that I can look fwd to feeling better and better. Good for you, MM! I'm so stoked to see you gettin' to share some good lovin'. Have you read about Karezza?
     
  2. Musicman 2.0

    Musicman 2.0 This is not a sprint, but rather a marathon...

    Billy, yea fatigue can be rough, but I'm glad you are able to manage a smile and see the positive in the struggle. 40 is a wealth of info, I have also learned much from him.

    I have read about Karezza and I'm interested to try that also. I know for me removing that pressure of having to finish could allow for a much more enjoyable free-flowing experience. Right now in a place of learning and exploration...

    One day at a time...
     
  3. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    I went to the beach this eve with a couple friends. That'll cheer anyone up. :)

    Actually, that's not quite true, as I have been at the beach with friends before and still been a miserable bastard!!

    Pretty sick back then, though. I think I manage my depression a lot better these days.

    Soooooo bloody good to be off the PMO!!

    And 49 days for you, Mate!

    Not to be sniffed at.

    One day at time adds up! ;)
     
  4. Musicman 2.0

    Musicman 2.0 This is not a sprint, but rather a marathon...

    Soooo bloody good to be off the PMO indeed Billy!! One day at a time definitely adds up. That is and will always be my motto... Man I love the beach as well. Always puts me in a great mood.

    Well brothers, this is going to be goodbye for a while. I have finally reached my goal for coming here. Last Feb 27th I started my first journal on this site, I went over 6 months pretty much out the gate, after over 20 years of trying to quit and failing. But the combination of the support of the men I met on here as well as continuing to read learn and grow, I slowly developed a system that I feel has allowed me to get to where I am now. I am now in a committed loving intimate and healthy relationship. Its not perfect, but its perfect for me if that makes sense. The thing I love most about this relationship is that I'm not moving any faster or slower than I want to. And sexually I finally had that moment I was looking for. I finally made love without being in my head. My erection was rock hard and I had absolutely no problems from start to finish. So I'm not leaving for good, but just going to live life in this relationship and I'll stop in periodically to see how my bros are doing and also provide updates. I hope my story can inspire someone who may feel like quitting to keep hope alive, stay with it. For most of my life (over 30 years) I have felt helpless that I would never get where I am now. Its amazing how fast things can change if you are prepared when the opportunity presents itself. To all of my brothers on here that were there to uplift me when I was down and who had positive comments along the way I cant say thank you enough for you time and energy along this journey. You know who you are and from the bottom of my heart I truly say much love and I am so grateful for each one of you...

    And you know how I roll...

    One day at a time...
     
  5. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Great news, mate!

    Good best of luck to you, MM.

    And yes, your story is an inspiration.

    Stay gold and please, do drop in and update occasionally.

    Peeeeeeeeeas (and carrots), till next time soooooon.

    Billy B.
     
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    The trajectory of your recovery has been epic. You've written about your struggles eloquently and honestly. Many here have, and will continue to, derive great inspiration and knowledge from your journal. I am just so happy for you MM. It is, indeed, time for you to leave the forum, at least for the most part. The forum has done its job for you and there are many here who carry the torch and can lend a hand where needed. Great message to start the New Year, MM. All the best!
     
    Newman8888 likes this.
  7. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Awesome news Musicman! I wish you all the best and may you will be happy in this new relationship. :)
     
  8. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    That's awesome news!! Swing by at least once and a while to let us know how you're doing.
     
  9. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Hey MM something deep has clicked inside you. It is a pleasure to follow your journey. What I learn from you is that everyone has their own journey it is just a question of sticking to it and the aha moment will come.
    Wishing you lots of love, laughter and confidence and trust to deal with the not so good times.
    Love ya ;)
     
  10. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    Enjoy your new relationship. Hope all is well.

    What a wild ride life is, huh?
     
  11. MM, congrats on the new relationship and the new-found confidence! It's inspiring! Best of luck and continued success...keep us posted on the coming victories :)
     
  12. Musicman 2.0

    Musicman 2.0 This is not a sprint, but rather a marathon...

    Hey brothers, thanks for all the encouraging comments! Just dropping by to let yall know how things are going. I have been more centered and focused over the past few months than I have been in a long time. I'm feeling very authentic and supported in my new relationship. The sex is great and our communication is great. Shes not perfect and neither am I but its the perfect situation for where I am in my life right now and I am very grateful and thankful for that. I'm sticking to my motto of "One day at a time" and just taking things slow as I dont want to rush into anything really serious, but so far its going great. As a man I'm learning how important it is to manage my emotional states and to be a source of stability and structure for my relationship as well as for my kids. I have been tempted to look at porn and I have a few times, but I dont feel so attached to it anymore now that I'm having good sex. I am remaining vigilant however because I know the temptation will always be there to become an addict again...The good thing is, is that she arouses me much more than porn and I have had no ED problems at all with her. Our sex has been connected and very passionate. For me I feel as all my past ED stemmed putting way to much pressure on myself, allowing myself to be put in uncomfortable situations, not communicating my truth openly and honestly, and from also having a lot of conflicting beliefs in my head going on. I feel as if I have ironed out most of the conflicting beliefs in my head concerning my spirituality, purpose for being here on this earth and what I really want out of life. And that has helped tremendously in how I show up on a daily basis...

    Hope all is well with everyone, and I'll keep you all in my prayers.

    Much love to all,

    One day at a time...
     
  13. BeyondReady

    BeyondReady Member

    That is fantastic news Musicman! Great that things are going well for you.
     
  14. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    M
    Thanks for sticking around. It takes a village.
     
  15. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    What's up fella? You still goin' good?
     
  16. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Awesome, brother! Keep away from P.
     
  17. Musicman 2.0

    Musicman 2.0 This is not a sprint, but rather a marathon...

    Hello brothers. It's been a while... Just wanted to drop in and say hello. Well the relationship I told some of you all about prior to my departure really has blossomed into something special. I'm still taking things slow but it has great future potential. As far as the PMO stuff I am happy to report to say that the rebooting prepared me for this relationship. I am in a healthy sexual relationship for the first time in my life. Its amazing. I have no PMO related problems at all anymore. PMO has lost its flair to me and as of now there is no desire for it as the real thing feels so much more superior... But with that being said I'm not allowing it to fool me into thinking that I'm cured for good because i know that its lurking and always waiting to try and take control.

    I consider myself very blessed to have found someone compatible spiritually, mentally and sexually. Just want to send some encouragement out there to anyone who may be struggling to stay with it. It took me over 30 years and trying everything under the sun to get here, and although its not perfect and I have no idea what the future may hold, its much better than where I was. Much love to all and God bless...

    One day at a time...
     
    Libertad and titan_transcendence like this.
  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Huge congrats on your relationship and where you at spiritually. You've been, and still are, a true soldier and leader. Thanks for the wonderful update!
     
  19. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    PMO has totally lost it's flair for me as well...I admit I have peeked a couple of times in the past 6 months, it just looks silly to me, there is absolutely no buzz or pull, my brain recognizes it as fake.

    But you couldn't be more right, we will always have the part of us that is susceptible to sliding back into active addiction...just be aware of that and vigilant and you'll be great.

    Happy to hear about your relationship!
     
  20. Musicman 2.0

    Musicman 2.0 This is not a sprint, but rather a marathon...

    Thanks Saville and 40!

    It's interesting to me how addictions change shapes. Since I have been in this relationship my desire for porn has really pretty much diminished to none however my desire to lose myself in gaming and other time wasters has really intensified. I know that my brain still loves to lose itself in a fantasy world for hours. Now more than ever its important for me to stay connected to my purpose and goals to keep growing and moving forward in my life.

    One thing that I've really had to work on is learning to be sensitive to more loving in my relationships. I came from an upbringing where my love and good heart was used and manipulated very frequently. There was rarely a moment that I felt safe and secure. Now that I'm in a loving relationship I have to really watch myself and refrain from overreacting to things that appear to be manipulation or disrespect. Not even realizing it, I developed a hypersensitivity to these things and a part of me became really defensive and cold to keep myself from getting hurt. Now I realize that in an attempt to keep myself from getting hurt, I become the person doing the hurting when I act like this. I'm learning that one only needs to be defensive around someone who is a real threat. But once you find someone who really loves you, the defenses need to come down or you will do to them what you are trying to keep from happening to you...

    Part of my child's brain wants all of these challenges to just stop at some point. I wanted the PMO reboot to be a cureall for all my problems... There is a part of me that feels like life is so unfair and I want to difficulties to end at some point...but thats where I have to just tell the child in me to man up, and do what needs to be done today... Once I got into this relationship a part of me started expecting things to get easier and when lifes challenges just kept coming I started feeling an inner frustration.... They didn't get easier, they just changed shapes and morphed into new challenges. Now a new challenge for me is being a good partner and error correcting as I move forward in this relationship. Much of this is new territory to me... I'm still dealing with inner insecurities and fears that if are left uncorrected will lead be back down unhealthy paths. Any good thing in life, like a garden, takes daily maintenance and care to keep in good condition. I just have to remind myself that a man just gets up and does what he needs to do, regardless of how he feels... He is a source of stability and he learns to trust his own words by actually doing the things he says he will do... I'm having to really remind myself of this today as I have slipped into a place where many of my decisions are feeling based rather than principle based. The irony is that I feel so much better when I do the responsible thing, and I feel like crap when I do what feels easy...

    I did some meditation and prayer and went over my goals/purpose this weekend and I immediately started feeling better. My intention for this week is to be more loving in my relationships, to relax and smile more in the face of anxiety....in spite of the changing climates at work, in spite of the relational challenges I may face, in spite of lifes uncertainties. I have no power over what happens outside of me, but I can choose how I will show up daily... To stay connected to my Source. Letting go of perfectionism and just showing up as authentic as I can...

    One day at a time...


    Much love to all...
     

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