Musicman Journal 2.0

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Musicman 2.0, Nov 13, 2016.

  1. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

  2. Musicman 2.0

    Musicman 2.0 This is not a sprint, but rather a marathon...

    Sup G.

    This has been a very up and down week. Mostly positive however I noticed that my focus had started becoming very reactionary. Although things were going well with my new ladyfriend, I noticed our conversations starting to kind of become blah. I lost focus on what I was going into the relationship for, and things started just drifting sideways... When I become fearful in other areas of my life I have a tendency to start going through the motions in my personal relationships, I'm there but mentally I'm not really present. Instead of really focusing in on what I want and who I am I have a tendency to become a people pleaser and not really have an opinion on things... One thing that has really helped me is reading of listening to 10 min of personal development each day. I was able to catch myself this morning and realize I was going into zombie mode and my old fears had started to run on autopilot. Another thing that has really helped me is, instead of beating myself up when I realize I am making a mistake or going down the wrong path, is the affirmation that "At any moment I can choose to instantly connect to who I really am...". This has really helped me to let go of whatever unhealthy path I was on and immediately start on the healthy path once again... I sometimes feel as when I make bad decisions, like relapsing with PMO, that everything is ruined, so I may as well just continue down the destructive path... Being able to let these kinds of thoughts go and get back to healthy decisions is paramount for me...

    I have always had a challenge with leadership, and part of being a man is learning how to be a leader. Whether its leading a family, on the job or in an intimate relationship. I have to be conscious of where I am going and what I want at all times or I will just end up somewhere, and months later I'll look up like how the hell did I get here??? So today its all about recalibrating, refocusing on who I am and what I am really about. My purpose I feel in life is to simply be an extension of Gods love to the best of my ability. I let so many things get in the way of that at times, but I always feel better when I reconnect. I have learned through the years that love shows up in so many forms, sometimes its tough love, saying no, being strong, showing compassion, getting up after failing, forgiving myself or others, staying away from toxic people, whatever I need to do to build myself up or build others up in a healthy way... And the intention behind the action is always for mine or the other person's highest good. Thats who I am and thats what I am about. Its not about manipulation, control, fear, worry, anxiety... When I'm feeling those emotions for long periods I know it's time for a course change...

    In regards to PMO, I have had some soreness in my nuts. Probably some blue balls going on...lol. I find myself getting easily aroused even just on phone conversations with my ladyfriend. No sex yet in this relationship, but I'm taking things slow so we'll see what happens.

    Recalibrating and refocusing this morning. Learning and growing one day at a time... Wishing all a great day.

    Much love to all,

    One day at a time...
     
  3. Musicman 2.0

    Musicman 2.0 This is not a sprint, but rather a marathon...

    Something is starting to click inside me. I touched on this in my previous journal but good feelings are the result of good decision over a period of time. I'm more and more understanding the importance of staying with good solid decisions daily until the results start to be consistent. I havent been perfect but I've done pretty well over this past month at really staying focused on my priorities and staying away from PMO related activities. I'm seeing how my emotional energy fluctuates around those decisions, but if I make enough solid decisions I live a much more stable life. Having a major challenge with anxiety, its important that I make solid decisions that dont further exacerbate my natural predisposition for severe anxiety. Today started on a really bad note emotionally, but I was able to just stay with my daily disciplines until things broke and I was able to relax and get into a nice rhythm. Feeling much better now and much more centered. For me 90% of my this battle is in the mind.

    I was really inspired by Jams last epic post I read the other day... So blessed again to be a part of this community.

    Much love to all...

    One day at a time...
     
  4. Musicman 2.0

    Musicman 2.0 This is not a sprint, but rather a marathon...

    First let me say Merry Christmas to all my brothers here. Its been a blessing to be on this journey with you through the ups and downs. I have learned a lot since beginning my reboot process in February. As I get further away from PMO and learning more about myself I'm seeing that I dont need other people to sign off on my life experiences for them to be validated anymore. It feels good to be able to make decisions concerning my life, state my purpose, and to not be affected when there is no one there to celebrate what I'm doing or to be there to support me. I feel as if I am truly beginning to be a strong independent man. My mindset moving forward is "I'd love for you to celebrate me and come with me on my journey, but I dont need your approval if you dont want to...and thats ok". I feel much more grounded in my beliefs and yet I'm still open to learn and grow from others. I'm learning how to share my beliefs with confidence and not feel threatened by others when they disagree. I am also so grateful for the relationship I am in now. Its been a little over a month now since we've been dating and it is progressing well. The intimacy with her feels very organic and I am showing up as my authentic self. Just going to continue taking it one day at a time and not get into any rush to force it to be anything. Again I give much credit to the book "How to Be a 3% Man" for teaching me how to show up more in my masculine and not ruin attraction once the dating process starts...

    It is truly amazing how one's life can open up once PMO is not consuming ones time... Abstaining from PMO didnt directly change my life, but it did provide the space and time needed for me to create the life I wanted... I went to the park yesterday and brought some food. I just sat there eating, listening to some beautiful smooth jazz and taking nature in. Breathing deeply the oxygen rich air supplied by all the green trees. I was just present, enjoying life and it felt amazing. I remember when I was addicted to PMO I could not have moments like this. My mind would be constantly running from thought to thought, and I'd be always scheming for when I could get more PMO in.

    Another positive thing about where I am right now is that I don't feel consumed by a desperate need to have sex with Ms. Healthy. I feel so much more comfortable in my skin and the intimate moments we share kissing and being close feel very real and solid. In the past my mind would be all over the place and I wouldn't be present in the moment... We spent a few hours the other day just kissing and making out and it was awesome. Although I do get really horny still, I want the sex with her to be natural, not rushed or forced. In the past I think part of my PIED stemmed from me not honoring my own body. I was never in touch with what I really wanted or needed. I was just playing out some script of how I thought a man should show up sexually in a relationship and since my mind was full of PMO related thoughts and images, my instincts as a man were all F'd up... Anxiety would fill my mind about trying to be a perfect lover or these sexual experiences I wanted to have but reality always left me short of perfection and I'd get frustrated and embarrassed or whatever... Through meditation, reading, and getting clear about who I am and what I really want right now, I just feel overall much more secure within myself. Letting reality and the present moment just be enough... Focusing on staying present and learning how to just flow with the present moment is really helping me stay in reality and not get caught up into irrational thinking. PMO, I know was one of the main things that fed into my irrational thinking and behavior. Its such a cheap easy and fake way to get my emotional and sexual need met and it always leaves me wanting more of something fake. When we do have sex my focus is to just let it flow naturally. Not to judge my or her performance, but just to show up as our authentic selves and just be in the moment. All this is new to me so I'm learning as I'm going. Very grateful for these moments... As always my old friend anxiety is lurking in the background telling me that I will mess it all up... And thats ok... I know that I must grow and learn in spite of my old mindset trying to pull me back... So I press forward anyways, learning and growing...

    Much love to all...

    One day at a time...
     
  5. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Merry Christmas, M! And congrats on hitting 40 days!
    I was thrilled to read your post. Having dealt with anxiety around women I like for my whole life, I'm really inspired by your story, which I completely relate to. And that book sounds great.
    You're on the right path. Doing the right things. Take comfort in knowing that, no matter what the future brings.
    I'm really proud of you.
     
  6. Fry2

    Fry2 Active Member

    What an inspiring post. Thank you!
     
  7. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    Merry C, M.
     
  8. MarstonS

    MarstonS Walking the longest walk...

    "I'd love for you to celebrate me and come with me on my journey, but I dont need your approval if you dont want to...and thats ok"

    What an excellent mindset! Keep that one close to your heart!
     
  9. Musicman 2.0

    Musicman 2.0 This is not a sprint, but rather a marathon...

    Thanks G.

    MarstonS, I most definately will!

    Hello brothers. Awesome weekend!! Ms Healthy and I made love over the weekend and it was spontaneous. I had a little moment of being unsure as I started losing my erection when I stopped to put a condom on, but after resuming activities and re-engaging, my erection returned and I finished with no problems. I was a little in my head and thinking, but I was able to just let go and enjoy the moment. We just laid there holding each other for about 20 min after I came. Was the most emotionally connected moment I've had in a very long time. I have had sex a few times post divorce but it was so emotionally disconnected I didn't want that anymore... Its been a few days since then and emotionally I've been back and forth. I think honestly I'm a little afraid about that connection, a little worried inside that I may not perform as well next time and a little worried if this is what I really want... I started to have some irrational thoughts like "It wasnt even that good" Which definately wasnt the case. I really enjoyed it... During the last few days I have felt like I want to just be left alone and be solitary, and other times I want to be close to her again. Had a strong desire to look at PMO yesterday to comfort myself as I was feeling a little nervous and anxious about where things will go from here. But I recognize that is just PMO trying to trick me back into its arms... All of what is transpiring is way outside of my comfort zone. Video games and porn allows the user to control ever second of the interaction. You can quit or start whenever you want. Dealing with real people in the real world has so many more elements attached. They get attitudes, they get sick, they get periods, all kinds of things happen with real people, positive and negative. The main difference is that a real person can love (or hate) back and since I'm looking to add love into my life this is the risk I will continue to take...

    Another thing I realized that I do which is totally unrealistic, is that I expect myself to always be in the mood or to be ready to have sex at any moment. Thinking this way makes me fearful, nervous and irritable... When I feel like this instead of communicating how I'm feeling I just shut down and disappear and I want to be left alone. I am extremely vulnerable to PMO during these times because I feel shame during these times. I'm not sure where I picked this habit up in my life but I just feel like a guy should always want sex and should always be ready to get it on at any moment. Most likely I got it from watching porn... I am now learning how to honor myself with that also. If I dont feel like having sex I dont have to and I dont have to feel any shame concerning that....

    One more thing I'm learning to overcome is the desire to make permanent decisions off of temporary emotions. I start feeling pressured in relationships, and I start feeling like I'm going to lose myself or lose my independence so I just shut down completely and cut off whoever it is in my life. Part of what I'm working on during meditation and in my relationships is remaining open during difficult times. Not closing myself off and withdrawing internally. Stay open, stay in the game, dont give up, dont quit when things get uncomfortable. Keep communicating and grow through the situation instead of withdrawing and hiding from the situation...

    Its moments like these where I have to grab my nuts and remind myself that I am the I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.

    Like I have stated countless times before I'm continuing my work with uncertainty, and having a clear purpose to serve as an anchor when my energy is all over the place. Whenever I stay true to my highest beliefs, regardless of how I feel, I alway feel better in the end. Those temporary emotions always pass and when I come back to my senses and I always feel glad when I make decisions congruent with my true self... I was watching some of my favorite sports talk shows today and I thought to myself..."No one is safe from being bashed publically no matter how nice the person is". For so much of my life I have tried so hard to live in such a way as to not offend anyone. I grew up with this hypersensitivity to peoples feelings and emotions and I have always tried extremely hard to be non-offensive... I'm getting much better at letting that go...

    Moving forward I know that shes not perfect and neither am I but I do really feel she is a genuine person and genuinely cares for me. Not sure if this will end in us being in a long term relationship or not, but I am going to continue giving and receiving love... and I'll continue learning as I go..

    Much love to all...

    One day at a time...
     
  10. BeyondReady

    BeyondReady Member

    Awesome post Musicman! I have always seen so much of myself in your posts to they always help me. Keep up the great work!!!
     
  11. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    Onward and upwards Captain!
     
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Your growth and courage continue to inspire. Proud of you, bro, for keeping it real.
     
  13. Musicman 2.0

    Musicman 2.0 This is not a sprint, but rather a marathon...

    Much thanks fellas.

    Wishing everyone a blessed and prosperous 2017 my brothers!!

    Much love...

    One day at a time
     
  14. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    MM,

    MusicMan growth in action. Your thoughts move me. The gentleness in which you approach yourself and your new relationship are like nectar to my soul.

    Wishing you the best 2017!
     
  15. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

  16. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    M

    I've learned that it makes no sense to argue with anyone about anything in this recovery walk.

    Because inevitably, the argue-ers all want to quit within a short time anyway. It's wasted effort.

    That's good to know.
     
  17. Musicman 2.0

    Musicman 2.0 This is not a sprint, but rather a marathon...

    Sup G.

    Bobjes thank you for your words Sir!

    I spent some time this morning going over my journal(s) for the past few years and revising my goals for 2017. I have grown in a lot of areas and I'm grateful for that. The main area I still need serious healing in is dealing with anxiety and insecurity. So I will continue the rejection training, reading and other things I've been doing to continue progressing in that area...Not running from situations that cause anxiety in my life, sitting with them, remaining present and breathing into the areas of my body that are the most tense and afraid, until they pass has really helped...This past month I've done a much better job of letting PMO related thoughts pass through also and not allowing my mind to see them as an option to self soothe...

    I am grateful to be in the midst of a nice beginning streak again and also in a loving supportive relationship. I've never had both going at the same time so this is all uncharted territory for me. One of my main reboot goals for this year is to recondition my mind and body sexually. I am hopeful the combination of being in a supportive relationship combined with the reboot can further help bring healing in this area.

    Much love to all...

    One day at a time...
     
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2017
  18. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    A great place to be!
     
  19. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    I can totally relate! I think we're probably both getting better at sitting with these uncomfortable feelings. Well done!
     
  20. Musicman 2.0

    Musicman 2.0 This is not a sprint, but rather a marathon...

    Thanks Billy B!!

    Good afternoon brothers. Last night was rough sleeping. I had been eating really poorly over the holiday break. Last night I just felt poorly because of the unhealthy meal I ate at dinner. I also was getting hit with a barrage of anxious thoughts. I was finally able to return to sleep and slept decent after that. I took today off work so I decided to let today be a fresh start back on my healthy eating lifestyle. I went out and purchased the food necessary to make my normal healthy meals that allow me to feel at my best. Just after a few meals today I am already feeling much better. Also being in this new relationship I'm learning how to flow with the different life events that come up. Having children who dont live with me can be a challenge at times. I still have disagreements with thier mom at times and I have really had to work on my communication skills and we have really grown in our ability to respect each other's personal lives and opinions when it comes to co-parenting our children. I feel very blessed for the progress we have made in that area.

    I'm finally at a place in this current streak where I do not desire PMO. I felt a little dead sexually these past few days but when I'm with my girl or on the phone with her I am easily aroused... Still not getting rock hard erections, but I'll take what I can get now until I get further removed from PMO...

    Concerning my new relationship I'm seeing how different situations create anxiety within me. Like I often discuss anxiety remains to be my biggest daily challenge. Feeling out of control usually results in extreme anxiety within me. I start to feel trapped like a rat in an experiment and I just start freaking out. Catastrophizing everything...In the past I have made some terrible decisions in this state... One thing I use now, that really helps me deal with those types of anxious feelings is reminding myself that at any moment I have the power to do whats best for myself regardless of what happens. I gather my thoughts, decide what's best for me and then I act. I have learned enough to where I feel that the decisions I have been making lately concerning my overall life and this relationship have been mostly positive and I feel that we have really good chemistry.

    I have a few goals sexually that I would like to accomplish someday soon... I discussed this in my last journal. My biggest goal is to have completely effortless connected love making. Secondly I want to be able to communicate my desires sexually and teach my partner how to please me sexually without feeling insecure about it in any way... I was readings Savilles post about wanting that "epic BJ" one day. I too have that wish. I have had several decent ones but never one that came close to even making me come. This relationship is going to be interesting going forward. I want to be able to communicate that to her and for us to explore different areas and to actually learn how to enjoy some of those sexual experiences...

    Moving forward in faith, hope and love always...

    Much love to all...

    One day at a time...
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2017

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