Just turned 36 male, virgin, zero sexual experience, pmo addiction. Help needed.

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by timjohnston, Jan 30, 2014.

  1. timjohnston

    timjohnston New Member

    Hello everybody.

    My name is Tim. I look like a normal, healthy, average, kind, friendly, intelligent guy. I don't have an extraordinarily great job, but I earn some money as a sysadmin at a small IT company and I support my parents and my younger sister. I still live with them. My problem is quite unusual. I just turned 36 and I am still virgin. To be more exact: I have no sexual experience at all. I haven't even kissed a girl. I dated some girls over the years, but I have never been confident enough to initiate anything more than hugs and holding each other's hands. And these relationships ended quickly. I am afraid of rejection, I am freaked out by STDs and getting a girl pregnant. (I know, it sounds funny from a virgin... but that's my second thought when sex pops up in my mind.)

    To complete my story: I have been m'ing to p*rn since I was 13. Usually I do it 1-2 times a day and there are days (one or two days a month) when I do it 8-12 times. It depends on the amount of p*rn I watch. I have been aware of the fact that it's an addiction for a few years now and I tried to quit many, many times. Even though I could completely avoid watching p*rn for a month in last december and successfully reduced the number of m/o to 1-2 times a week, I still consider myself an addict. Now I am back on the track again... :-/

    My question is very complex... how could I rebalance my brain while I have no "normal state of mind" to return to? Moreover I think the problem that I am a 36 years old male virgin is almost as big as that I am a pmo addict. How could I get some experience while I am so afraid of asking out girls? Moreover women have reasonable expectations from 36 years old guys... like being independent, living alone, being over at least one marriage, having a solid sexual experience. Honestly, I thought of visiting prostitues to get over this huge obstacle with virginity... I even called some to ask about rates, locations, etc... but I felt disgusted about it. I don't want to catch STDs... I don't want to support prostitution... I don't want to use another human being as a tool...
    What would you do if you were in my situation? Any help, tips or personal stories are appreciated. Thank you.
  2. Mart71

    Mart71 Guest

    just reading your post, I see you have a job, you care about family and you are not an asshole. Your chances to find a girlfriend should be about 100% (that is not a joke). A woman that is attracted by these qualities will not be bothered too much, if you are sexually inexperienced.

    Your solution to PMO is to try and stop cold turkey. You can find everything you need to know about it here and on Yourbrainonporn. Read it, it is your new holy book for the next year. Getting rid of porn will give you some mental strength and you will have a much cleaner conscience, once you get a girlfriend.

    I don't know in which part of the world you are living and what your cultural background is. This is regarding the fact, that you are living with your family (parents and siblings). I have no idea, if a gf would be able to feel comfortable in a situation like this. Do you have plans, to move out from there? Have your own place?

    Now about the girlfriend. Anybody can find someone. You need to get the mindset out of your head, that no girl can love someone like you. It is simply not true. But you need to stop being afraid of rejection as much as possible, because with that mindset, you are setting yourself up for failure.

    There are many ways to meet someone today and from what I read, you are not interested in short flings, but you want something real and hopefully lasting. I think the first thing I would try is to use one of these online partnership sites. Just make a rather honest profile and see, where it takes you. There are many other ways to get into contact with girls, maybe you know some for your local area yourself. Just e.g. think dance lessons for singles or volunteering, there is lots of stuff you can so, though you need to get out of the house. You don't have to go to a bar to pick up girls. But at some point, you will need the balls to ask for a real date of course.

    Well, those are my thoughts. Continue the reboot, but make plans about how to get that future gf as well.

    Good Luck!
  3. Meatloaf

    Meatloaf New Member

    Well I will try not to contribute too much here as web in general is a problem for me.

    1. Everything said above
    2. People are not as perfect or without issues as you might think. There are more virgins than you realize and more peole who would totally have the capacity to understand your inexperinece. At 35ish you just have to accept that they might have issues of their own. Not a big deal.
    3. Other self development goals - athletic ones are good and don't hurt in the gf hunt - are good for filling the void and making yourself feel better.
    4. The prostitution is not gonna give you much. Nothing to do with being close to a person you actually are atracted to and care about. Its closer to porn than real deal even if the body temperature is there.
    5. I would try to gather bit more time on the reboot and more confidense before putting yourself on the spot with a girl. And also know that bedroom confidece issues and failures happen sometimes to anyone. Even in perfect setting the mind can mess one up and the only solution is to relax accept yourself and go from there. I had some horribly bad performances with my partner in the start but it didn't make her run away and now things are mostly good.

    Once ready for trying the dating, online works good but it too can be quite a mess and have the same 15 tabs opne in your browser effect. When you do get there set rules for yourself on how often you check it etc. Take decent well lit, non creepy pics. Have your sister take them. Write a sincere but positive description of yourself and you will be fine. Try to see the persons in real life asap. Be prepared that its going to take several dates to meet someone who wants to know ypu more/ you want to know her more. Also my advice only engage in dates with one person at a time - even casual dating is quite draining and stressful.
  4. AlphaFlail

    AlphaFlail Guest

    I understand all the anxieties you are having about entering the dating world, having sex, etc, although I myself am not a virgin. (But it's been a while...) My advice is to not worry about any of those things right now. Focus on getting healthy - that will be enough of a challenge. Once you are healthy, you will see those things differently, I promise. I'm not recovered, not by any means, but I've already seen a lot of my pessimism and anxiety about the future disappear.

    As far as having no normal state of mind to return to, just because you aren't returning to a normal state, doesn't mean you don't have one. You have a normal human set of DNA. Your genes will express themselves normally if given a chance.

    Just some thoughts. I could be way off.
  5. Facundo

    Facundo Member

    Just adding to what everybody already said, you need to learn to accept and love yourself the way you are. The first step is obviuosly admiting that you have a problem, that by itself is a big step towards recovery. Part of this recovery process is stop with porn and masturbation, you need to stop making excuses for yourself and quit. Keep your mind busy with other activities like exercise, yoga, or meditation, and you will succeed. Also, you might, just might, need professional help. Many therapist are experts in these issues, and they will help you deal with these issues. Be positive and good luck :)
  6. shattered

    shattered Member

    You might be surprised that there are girls out there that like the idea of who you are. I remember meeting a girl who was hot and experienced. I told her I had ED problems and I was still a virgin. She actually started chasing me after that. She became obsessed with helping me out. Girls like that are out there.
  7. timjohnston

    timjohnston New Member

    Thank you, guys.
  8. new_1

    new_1 Guest

    I think it's quite courageous to face one's shortcomings, no matter when.
    You sound like an alright guy to me. And even if girls fall in love with assholes quite quickly, most of them learn to appreciate guys like you after they have been let down by someone who didn't treat them right.
    If you have friends, try to talk to them. If you don't have any or are too shy to break the silence on your topic, you might want to get some professional advice on how to overcome your insecurity.
    Quitting porn will leave you with more confidence than you might expect - and it's no shame to be a virgin, even at the age of 36. Also, don't resort to prostitute as an emergency exit. I doubt that an experience like that would make you happy - actually, it'd most likely make you more insecure instead.
    All the best!
  9. Reboot79

    Reboot79 New Member

    Hey timjohnston,

    We are in the same boat. Close to 35 and still a complete virgin. Also started pmo'ing at the age of 13 or 14 and I have absolutely no clue about how to experience is "normal" relationship and sex life. I am also a completely normal guy. No one would think that I am still a virgin. But well, bad luck and by now increased fears of intimicy I guess.

    I wish you luck and a lot of discipline!
  10. TheBorb

    TheBorb Bullshit detector

    Due to learning to PMO at a very young age (and access to a UK newspaper called 'The Sunday Sport'), I pretty much wanked my life away in solitude, never had the nous to pull, was hopeless, finally lost my cherry at 32 after two embarrassing failed attempts (first try limp noodle is SO devastating) but somehow on the third attempt, something went right, managed it twice, she came twice and she had Zoloft anorgasmia (!),sometimes you have a right moment, even with ED, you just have to persist, learn, then know your limitations whilst you recover. Never really had many more of those moments, maybe a couple more, was PMOing too much, interest levels overstimmed.
  11. timjohnston

    timjohnston New Member

    Reboot79, are you "openly" virgin? Do you have friends or family members who know about your situation?
  12. Reboot79

    Reboot79 New Member

    Well, semi-open. My family knows it, my close friends might guess it. But I never talked about it with them.
  13. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Reality is sex is just putting your dick inside a hole and humping away. Technically its not difficult. Obviously years of being a virgin takes its toll and creates anxiety. But whatever age it doesn't matter, you might lose it to a 25 year old or a 45 year old woman. People of all ages are having sex so you haven't gone beyond a point of no return and you have plenty of years to have great sex.

    Your in a good position as you have not been married or have children and thats rare for someone mid thirties. You support your family, this is not something to be embarrassed about its a good quality.

    I was a virgin at 23 and went the prostitution route and found it to not be really worth it. Sex isn't something without the connection to someone you like.

    I still havent navigated the world of dating or getting laid but last year with good periods off porn I kissed more girls on a 6 months period then my whole life, had sex a few times with a girl I met online etc and that was with me not approaching any girls. If you go out and just be around girls things will happen naturally.

    First though, you need to free yourself from porn addiction and just de stress about the whole situation, take your time, think about what you want. Everyone was a virgin at one point and age isn't a determining factor in someone remaining one. It comes down to self esteem, confidence and a true desire to be with a girl (which porn replaces).

    Good luck
  14. beatsmode31

    beatsmode31 Member

    I wouldn't take the prostitute route as well if I were you, it can be a trap eventually. Take your time, and make the changes you want to make to transform your life.
    I agree also on the fact that being a virgin is not a downer for girls. Actually I heard for many of them it can be quite the opposite. A girl who takes your virginity knows you'll always remember her. She will always be special to you for that, and I think they know it.

    As gameover said stay away from porn to start, that's a very good first step. Then things will follow naturally, it might takes time but just be patient and keep improving what needs to be improved. You'll find your way.

    Good luck to you
  15. Priapus

    Priapus New Member

    Everyone else has said it all already, so I will keep it short...

    1) You sound like an awesome catch for a woman looking for long-term relationships. I know women who would give their right-arm to meet someone like you.
    2) Don't go to a prostitute. There's no connection and it will be more akin to porn than proper sex.
    3) A lot of women like an inexperienced man - they are are willing to learn how to please her. So don't hold back on that info. Confessing to it also shows you are willing to expose vulnerability (see point 1).

    Good luck man. The only thing holding you back is porn. Get rid of that shit and the world is your oyster.
  16. shattered

    shattered Member

    Years ago, I might have had a different opinion, but I can frankly say that prostitutes are for losers. We're all here to be winners. Think about it, who do you respect more, the guy in the shadows paying for sex, or the guy getting it for free? Also, the anxiety about worrying about disease and things will make for experiences that aren't really that fun.
  17. Reboot79

    Reboot79 New Member

    Personally I would never go the prostitute way as well. That has no moral background, I am just no the guy for such a thing. I am looking for a great relationship and the feeling of trust and love. It is not that I could not have had sex in my life. There were opportunities, but those were girls I was never interested in. I might be no Brad Pitt, but "bad luck" also plays a vital role.

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