Just Another Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Catharsis, May 29, 2017.

  1. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 346
    Sunday, 10:18 AM
    13/05/2018

    Haven't been around in a while.
    Relapsed this morning. I relapsed on Thursday as well.

    Anyway.
    It's a bit frustrating. You can do things right for 95% of the time, but all it takes is one moment of weakness, and everything comes crashing down.
    I need to start paying more attention to the mental processes.
    Need to document and name all the different things that I do to convince myself to relapse.
    Then I need to figure out how to deal with each.

    Beyond that...not too much else happening.
    Ramadan soon. Fasting is going to be a pain here.
     
    Daa likes this.
  2. Daa

    Daa New Member

    Go ahead man.
     
  3. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 347
    Monday, 7:50 PM
    14/05/2018

    I went to see a hooker.
    Fuck me.
    Spur of the moment.
    I was just about to go home, and then the urge came over me.

    FFS

    I honestly didn't think about it.
    It was like I was in some sort of dream.
    I really don't know anymore.

    @Daa thank you for the kind words man. Always appreciated.
     
    Daa likes this.
  4. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    I don't know.
    I feel like I'm going in circles.
    Again and again.

    One year of this.

    I don't have time.
    None of us do.

    I need to think about this.
    Am I serious about stopping? Because if you're sitting here reading this journal, it doesn't look like I am.

    If I truly want to stop, then what do I need to do differently.
    This has happened over and over again. And there are no signs of it stopping.
    The best predictor of behaviour is past behaviour.

    I'll see y'all tomorrow.
    I need to journal more. I need to write more.
    I need to get it all out.
     
    Daa likes this.
  5. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 348
    Tuesday, 10:20 AM
    15/05/2018

    I'm going to have to read a lot of books after this.
    To try to figure stuff out.
    I've got an exam to study for though, so that should take priority.

    Anyway.
    I'm going to start journaling at night again.
    Pen on paper. Remind myself why I do this, and what I'm doing.

    I don't really read my old journals. But when I feel myself writing the same things over and over again...that's when I know that I'm caught it loop.
    That's when I know when I have to take action.

    My goals that are relevant to the topics here are:

    Long Term Goals
    • Porn free
    • No sex workers/escorts
    • Good stable relationships
    Short Term Goals (Week 15/05/2018)
    • No porn & no PMO
    • No looking at escort sites
    Seems simple enough.

    To fix that I need the following:
    1. Avoid using devices after 9:00 pm
    2. If you have to use devices after 9:00 pm use them in public.
    3. If you aren't using the device—keep it out of sight.
    4. Journal daily (morning and evening).
    Looking is what leads to doing.
    If I look at escort site, I might go and I might not.
    If I never look, it's impossible for me to go.
     
  6. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 350
    Thursday, 11:20 AM
    17/05/2018

    So I nearly relapsed yesterday.
    What saved me was writing down where/when/state/action/time of the urge.
    That's what took me out of it. I would probably have gone otherwise.

    That's something I've been missing when trying to fix the habit loop.
    There's a cue->routine->reward. I haven't been testing new routines.
    When I write down that I'm feeling a cue, I should then test a new routine.
    If I still feel the urge 10-15 minutes later, it means that the routine wasn't a good substitute.
    I need to keep that in mind.

    I finished The Fellowship of the Ring. First book I've finished in ages.
    I've tried to read it before, and I didn't really like it (at ~13 or ~14).
    This time I honestly loved it. Great book.
    I find it so strange that someone could dream and imagine so much.

    Anyway.
    That's all for now.
     
  7. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 351
    Saturday, 2:09 PM
    19/05/2018

    So I relapsed last night.
    I made a really silly mistake on an exam paper and felt really, really bad.
    Had an urge to go visit a hooker.
    Didn't and came home and relapsed in the night.
    Felt better immediately afterwards. Was not in a good state at all.
    Have mostly gotten over it now.

    Anyway.
    What's done is done.

    Doing pretty good otherwise.
    This whole writing down when I get an urge is a really good coping mechanism.
    When I relapsed yesterday I didn't have my notebook on me, which I think was part of the reason that I did relapse.

    I've started noticing some patterns as well.
    One pattern is that I daydream/fantasize when I wake up.
    So I need to avoid lying in bed after waking up for excessive periods of time (a good practice anyway).
    If I do that then I'll avoid that habit pattern, or if I don't avoid it then at least minimise it's impact.
     
  8. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 352
    Sunday, 10:45 AM
    20/05/2018

    Feeling better today.
    Just noting down when I get urges has been very helpful.

    It's also helped me differentiate between thoughts and urges.
    Urges make you move. They make you want to do the action.
    Thoughts are just thoughts, they don't move you to action.

    Maybe I'm not describing it very well, but there's a difference.
    As I start to recognise urges better, I can get better at describing the feeling that precedes them.
    It's sort of an impulse—a fire deep down inside, that makes me want to do it.

    Once I start to get better at recognising it I can start developing coping mechanisms. So far, even just writing things down has helped immensely.
    If I peek I will note it down and report it here. I've only really peeked once in the past week (what happened Friday evening), which is a big improvement.

    I definitely get the urge to peek every morning though. It's like clockwork.
    Strange how that works.

    Another time I get urges to peek is if I see attractive women.
    That might be a "duh" moment but it's true. Especially when I'm out walking and see something, then I get the urge.
    Guess that's a sign that I have problem, no?
     

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