Just Another Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Catharsis, May 29, 2017.

  1. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 185
    8:15 AM

    (4/10)

    Studying is a trigger.
    I've noticed this consistently.
    I think it's from when I was a teenager, and I built the habit of watching porn after/during studying.

    A lot of the relapses have come when I was studying. When I felt "frustrated".
    Just something to keep in mind now.
     
  2. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 186
    9:49 AM

    (1/5)

    So I relapsed twice last night.
    Had a moment earlier where I was thinking about seeing a provider and PMO'd instead.
    2nd time was at a party, and someone asked me if I had a girlfriend.
    I said no.
    It bothered me a lot. I don't know why.
    Came home and PMO'd.


    Productive otherwise. Trained.
    So yeah. That's my story.

    Let's aim for smaller goals.
    I need to hit 5.
    I can do 5 days.
     
  3. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 187
    7:39 AM

    (2/5)

    My brain thinks porn is an option now.
    I had cravings to watch porn for the first time in a long time last night.
    Came on because I couldn't sleep. Managed to overcome the urges.

    Part of it was the hassle (self-imposed).
    Part of it was willpower and discipline.
    Part of it was noticing that I was just lying there getting urges and getting up and doing something else.

    I am weak.
    I was created weak.
    But we can fight. We can fight our natures.
    Don't accept the weakness. I control what I think.

    Get after it.
     
  4. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Relapsed.
    PMO.
    Was tired.
    Had a productive(ish) day.
    Trained. Ran.
    Came home and relapsed.

    Feel like porn is becoming an option again.
    I need to start to have strategies in place when the urge comes.
    Don't get frustrated.

    Think it through.
    What do I need to do when the urge hits?

    PAUSE.
    BREATH.
    OBSERVE.
    REMIND.
    DISTRACT.

    Doesn't form a nice acronym, but what can you do...

    I need to practice this until it becomes second nature.
    My failure to deal with the urges is what's holding me back.
    My urges are what stop me from working.
     
  5. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 188
    6:05 AM

    (1/5)

    Cmon.
    Five days.
    I can do this.

    Found a nice acronym:
    Stop
    Take a breath
    Observe (out loud + sensation)
    Proceed (with distraction)
     
  6. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 189
    7:58 AM

    (1/5)
    Relapsed.
    Woke up late...so got shit to do.
    Get after it...
     
  7. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 190
    10:13 AM

    (2/5)

    Got up late today (7:15ish).
    Had to run to make training, and was still late.
    Good training though.

    Have a session in the evening later today.
    Went out with friends last night.
    Spent £11.
    Was decent, but I feel like I should have just bought a book or something instead.

    Haven't been approaching or anything lately...although I do have a session later today.
    I need to start journaling a little more systematically. At the moment I just write down what I'm feeling.
    What I'm thinking about...and if I find myself writing the same thing a lot, then that's a pattern.
    Something to be aware of.

    Been reading Principles by Ray Daalio.
    Just the idea of writing down your principles is huge I think.
    It's such a good idea.

    Some urges, especially this morning.
    We'll see how we get on...
     
  8. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 191
    8:58 AM

    (3/5)

    So I peeked at an escort site last night.
    Booked a session, then cancelled it.
    Fuck that shit.
     
  9. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Called and booked another session and went.
    There was a big discount (45% off...).
    That's what tempted me.
    I wouldn't have gone otherwise.

    I don't know.
    Was good, but never as good as you expect.

    I just need to not look, and won't go.
    I'm going to get a friend to lock my phone for me.
     
  10. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 192
    7:47 AM

    (1/9)

    Another day.
    Another start.
    3 O's yesterday—2 in session and 1 pmo.

    So I need to start adding certain habits to my life.

    Journaling is the biggest one I think.
    I need to journal twice a day morning and evening (10 minutes each).

    My journaling needs to be more structured.
    Just some basic things I should include...although I should still be journaling however I can.

    I'm thinking:
    Morning:
    • Thoughts
    • Book notes
    • Plan day ahead + mention any struggles
    • Affirm commitment to sobriety
    Evening
    • What did I do today?
    • What could I have done better?
    • How do I feel?

    Today won't be too busy.
    I've got most of the evening off, although I do need to work.
    So yeah. Get after it.
     
  11. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 193
    7:00 AM

    (2/9)

    So I've got a race today.
    Hopefully that will go well.

    When I get back, I'll have to work/study because I haven't been working too much throughout the week.
    I've got two pieces of work I need to finish.

    I'm feeling good actually.
    No urges, no crazy thoughts.
    I had my friend put a passcode on my phone so I can't remove the app.
    We'll see how that goes.

    What's done is done.
    Move forwards.

    I don't think I would be the way I am now without porn.
    I wouldn't have been desensitised to it the way I am now.
    I wouldn't have the shamelessness that I have now.

    All those quotes about the ability to control yourself...
    Sounds like bullshit when you first hear it, but it's true.
    If you want to do anything worthwhile, you have to ignore the monkey brain.
    Ignore the pain. Ignore the temptations.
    Push through.
    Just for today.
     
  12. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 194
    8:45 AM

    (3/9)

    Woke up late.
    Again.
    Fuck me.

    I need to write out all my implementation intentions.
    Went for a race yesterday. Really good experience.

    I'm falling behind on my university stuff.
    I know what I have to do...I'm just not doing it.

    I've got two pieces of work to finish. One due tomorrow and the other due on Tuesday.
    I'm not even close to being done.

    I've been exercising a lot, yes, but I'm letting my work fall to the wayside.
    I've been thinking about my priorities.
    They should go something like this:
    1. Killing this addiction
    2. Work
    3. Fitness
    4. Social
    Maybe I should bump social up a bit, but this is how it should be.
    In fact the way I'm currently prioritising things looks something like:
    1. Fitness
    2. Addiction
    3. Social
    4. Work
    Not ideal.

    Finished The Fight by Norman Mailer.
    Didn't really like it. Glad I didn't buy the book (I checked it out of the library).

    I need to buy more books really.
    Need to read more.

    I'm going to be busy today.
    I need to get shit done.

    Don't think I'll train today.
    Might go to sports social, depending on how much work I've gotten done.

    Anyway.
    I'm going to be sober today.
     
  13. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 195
    9:21 AM

    (4/9)

    Feeling good about myself...despite not really have a reason to.
    I've got a coursework due, which I would be 100% unable to do without copying.

    I've got a lab report due, which I should have done ages ago.
    I didn't really think I had trouble with procrastinating...but apparently I do.

    Hmm.
    Again.
    Today is the day.
    Today is the fucking day.
    Small steps and all that...
     
  14. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 196
    5:31 PM

    (5/9)

    So I woke up late today and had to run—hence the late post.

    I'm doing ok.
    Had to disable my night-time block to get some work done.
    Did have some urges, but minimised it by not working in my room.
    Left at some point (playing with fire), but didn't succumb.
    Need to be more careful next time.

    I've been using Leechblock's delaying page on a lot of things.
    That thing is money.
    Some of the best changes I've made in a long time.

    Another thing I've discovered with the K9 temporary password—if you delete the email you can't get a password for the next 24 hours.
    A good way to get rid of the urge if you're really feeling it.

    I'm going out tonight.
    Need to be careful about coming home frustrated/etc.
     
  15. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 197
    5:14 PM

    (6/9)

    Minor urges.
    Came home late (~3:30 am) and woke up late (~9:18ish).
    Had to run (again) and hence didn't have time for morning journal.

    I've been reading Emotional Intelligence.
    Really good book. A lot of things that I'm coming to realise.
    It's doesn't matter how smart you are if you can't control yourself.

    The first step to controlling your emotions is being aware of the emotions.
    Awareness is the first step.

    I was listening to the sheepdog project by Tim Kennedy (self defense):
    Again it goes:
    1. Awareness
    2. Assessment
    3. Action
    4. Analysis
    It's a similar thing with emotions.
    If you can't see something coming, you just get blindsided—whether in the physical or mental realm.
     
  16. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 199
    4:39 PM

    (8/9)

    So I missed a day yesterday.
    I was just super busy all day.
    Had about 3 hours of sleep last night, stayed up till 4 working...

    When I came upstairs at about 4 am I had the temptation to PMO.
    But honestly, I was just super tired.

    Maybe that's the secret.
    Work so hard that you're too tired to PMO.
     
  17. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 200
    10:29 AM

    (9/9)

    So it's school holidays now.
    Doing good. Feeling good.

    Trained yesterday, then came home and crashed out.

    I think porn raises our sex drive much higher than it should be.
    I'm finding myself not thinking about sex.
    I think about it sometimes (of course), but it's not a constant thing anymore.
    I don't fantasize about it 24/7.

    That's normal right?

    Haven't been reading too much—mainly Emotional Intelligence.
     

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