Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by rabbit., Nov 18, 2014.

  1. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Day 1 (no MO)

    I am sick today. I think I am coming down with the flu. But I am still hoping it's just a minor thing and I can be over it on Monday.

    So yeah, I didn't do much today, just watched some sports on TV. I tried to do my daily hypnosis, but I couldn't really concentrate / get into it. Also, my foot has been really crappy lately, hurting all the time. A few years ago it was really bad, so much that I couldn't walk properly for a few months, so I hope "it" hasn't resurfaced again. That said, I've not been diligent with my work outs and diet lately, I've put on a bit of weight again and haven't done my rehab / prehab workouts, so this is at least partly my fault.

    Anyways, I am trying to stay positive, throughout this little bad stretch, but also in general. There are so many things that are good about my life, and there are so many things I still want to do and experience -- that's something that I always have to work on keeping on my mind.
     
  2. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Day 2 (no MO)

    Again, just a short post as I am trying to cut down on my Internet use, which has been really hard. I've read a lot about this in the past, like in the beginning of May there is the "screen free week" where lots of families and schools in the US or elsewhere take part in a week without any screen time. They have all these lists of activities that you can do instead and most of it seems really boring to me or feels very forced. For instance, board games: my family would never do that, even though we have a few, but we just won't voluntarily do that. And the thing with those activities is that 1) they only work in the summer because most of them are outdoor activities and, more importantly 2) they are short-term activities that don't really achieve anything in the long run. Like cleaning your room, painting a picture, and whatever.

    So for me, I need to find things that I can do without a computer that have some sort of progression and outcome in the long run. I've been trying to get into playing the piano again, which I used to do as a child, but it's been quite difficult to even play regularly every day. So yeah, this is something I'm thinking about at the moment, some activities that I could do, basically some offline hobby that is not totally pointless and has some tangible result and can be done every day for years to come. And obviously, this is part of a much bigger problem of mine: I still don't have many goals to look forward to and to work on every day. I do some things nowadays, but it's not enough, still too much free time, still too little drive and ambition.

    Thankfully, I recovered well over night and I wasn't really sick anymore today, just a bit. I hope I'll be completely fine tomorrow.
     
  3. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Day 3 (no MO)

    This is usually the time where I start to feel really emotional and irritable, and such was the case today, though I did handle it quite well I think.

    I was very good with my computer use today, was only online for 2 hours and was very productive during that time. Took a little trip with my mom today and it was really nice. I want to do this more often, just take small trips (a 1 or 2 hour drive) and go sightseeing and stuff. This will be good for my mood and be like a small vacation, that's all I need I think as I am not THAT busy in general yet.

    My best friend is coming to visit me this week, so I am excited for that, lots of things planned.

    On the work front, things are moving very fast, maybe too fast for me. This school nearby is looking for tutors in the afternoon, and someone has recommended me, but I don't know if I am ready for that. 6 months ago I started with two students who were children of my family's friends. It was more like a hobby, something to pass time and get me out of a funk and putting my mind to something useful again. Now I have 7 students, three potential new ones, and also possibly that school gig, and then there is this big official tutoring school/business where I know a friend of a friend, and they are also looking for tutors. I have to say I felt a lot of anxiety today when my friend told me that she knows someone at the school and they're looking for a tutor. A lot of self-doubt, feelings of insecurity and not being inadequate and not being ready and everything. I still feel like I am kinda playing a con with everybody, and I am frauding big time only waiting to be found out or something. Really weird shit in my head and I need to get this sorted (not just in this case but in general).

    That said, things are looking up and I am in a good mood, excited for this week and the coming months (summer especially).
     
  4. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Day 1 (no MO)...unfortunately

    The emotions were too much yesterday, and I was pretty horny, so I MO'd. Ok, back to square 1, it's okay.

    I was quite productive today.

    I'm trying to stay positive. A few days ago I watched this show about a famous comedian who got a stroke at 45 and had to re-learn everything and is stilled kinda messed up but trying to stay in the fight and staying positive. Very inspiring, really. I have so much that I take for granted, and so few real problems. But we forget...So onto new horizons!
     
  5. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Day 1 (no MO)

    I'm spinning my wheels in regards to no MO again, it seems. No idea what to do. That said, things are improving in all other areas of my life, which is great.

    Not much else. I have lots of travel plans for the next few years, I am excited and motivated to earn the necessary money.
     
  6. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Day 2 (no MO), also one week without porn

    A good day today. Went to see a big car factory with my friend, was pretty cool. Good mood all day. I am excited for things to move forward. Lots of ideas and plans for the future. I just need to get better at putting my plans into action more quickly instead of pondering them over and over again.
     
  7. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Day 3 (no MO).

    I haven't been able to go past Day 3 very often this year, so I want to do it this time.

    I feel really good. Had a great trip with my friend today, visited a few sights and met this really interesting spiritual guy/shaman/meditation teacher (I don't even know how to label him). It was quite interesting, as I am usually totally against esoteric bullshit, but he wasn't that far out there and seemed very balanced. He said I could come and visit him anytime and he would give me an introduction to tai chi and qi gong, which is something I've been meaning to try out for ages (it was even suggested to me on here). It's on Fridays too, where I usually have no lessons, so I should definitely do this. Like I said in my first post a while ago after my return to this forum: My thoughts and actions (or inactions) led to my terrible state last March and the years before that, so I need to change them. So I am trying to really say yes to new things and new experiences.
     
  8. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Day 1.

    Had two relapses yesterday. Terrible, but that's how it is. I felt really lonely and didn't know what else to do than do what I've done so many times over the last decade.

    Today I had some difficulties to get going in the morning, but then it got better. Gave two lessons, which was good. I also might get a job in a tutoring school where a friend of my family knows the owner. Lots of anxiety in regards to this though. I constantly ask myself whether I am good enough already, whether my skills (both technical and teaching-wise) are enough already or whether I need more time to prepare, study, get better. It's really hard for me to gauge how good I am at this job thus far. I do get great results for my students, but as usual, it is easy to take credit for those things when a lot of other factors, one simply being chance, play a role as well.

    So a lot of mental shit I have to work through at the moment, which is kind of annoying me because I am very aware of what is going on: I get opportunities left and right now, as if the universe is telling me to really go down this path and try it, but I am scared and I am waiting for some kind of guarantee, certainty that this is the right choice. But that will probably never come, so yeah....time to be bold I guess.

    I mean, I have to think of all the benefits. It would be amazing for me to be able to simply say that I work for a tutoring school, like I would finally have a real job that I don't have to be ashamed of or feel insecure about. I would also have a lot more money and for the first time in like...ever I could save up: first I would put money in my emergency fund that went all the way down to zero 1.5 years ago because I simply stopped working due to my head being a mess, so I would want to have like 6-9 months of all expenses saved up for emergencies.

    Then I would start saving for stuff that I really want. In terms of material things, I want to buy a really good computer screen that is good for my eyes (something like $600+). I also want to buy a new tablet (maybe $400). In terms of experiences, I definitely want to start hiring a piano teacher because I find it very difficult to teach this myself, so ideally they would come to my house 1-2 a week ($25-50 or so). And then I want to save up for all my traveling plans: a few trips around my country, 2 trips to England/Scotland/Ireland, and eventually a few of my dream vacations, one of which is to travel in this sort of luxury train, either through South Africa or Australia, which is quite expensive; and secondly, a really nice cruise on a smaller, more "exclusive" ship (the ones I saw in an ad were like $10.000 for two weeks!). So yeah, still a lot of lessons to give until I can pay for that :D, but I am starting to develop desires and dreams of things and experiences I want to have, so that's some motivation for me right there on top of more general motivations like living a more normal life with a regular job and everything.
     
  9. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    No posts for a few days = relapse. Obviously. The last few weeks I've definitely lost my mojo or my "chi". I don't feel grounded at all at the moment. I am restless, irritated, tired, lethargic, I am not motivated to go to my tutoring lessons, I haven't worked out at all for 10+ days, etc etc. Just feel like nothing is going my way right now. I know this is kinda bullshit, but the thing is that I am still waiting for my breakthrough, something that will put me onto "normal" immediately. Right now I really feel no desire, no ambition, not looking forward to anything. Maybe it's the weather or my depression is coming back? I hope not. But one thing I've learned over the years: if I don't write in my journal, things will get even worse. So here I am again.
     
  10. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    So a couple of weeks have passed, again. I'm struggling at the moment. As I mentioned in my last few posts back in April, I have kinda lost my positive energy. Right now it's getting worse as well because for the first time in like a year or so, I am on my own for a week. That was my normal life back then, but now I can really see how detrimental it is to not talk to anyone all day and be by myself 24 hours with very, very little social contact. Thankfully my family will come back on the weekend, but yeah, this week has definitely worsened my "flunk" -- I dont even know how to properly label it, might be some kind of depression relapse again.

    These days, I just feel completely overwhelmed by everything. It's annoying me so much. I know exactly what I have to do. I can play out the steps in my head, I know what needs to be done, so I can finally have a normal, regular life. What's frustrating me is that I sometimes feel like I am pretty much alone with this kind of general problem. Like, let's take dating/girls as just one example. Even a few years ago I wrote in this journal how I just need to put myself out there because the "skills" are there. But this past year has even intensified that impression because I can literally talk to anyone and I did this stand-up routine on my mom's birthday in front of 60 people and it was nothing to me. I go on trips regularly, plan everything out, I always make people laugh etc etc. So I honestly think all I would need to do would be to be more often in social settings. Pretty simple (maybe not easy), but it is so difficult for me to do anything about it.

    Same with my career, my fitness, my whole way of thinking. I now know exactly what I did wrong, what led me to my precarious situation, to my breakdown, to my decade-long depression, isolation, everything; what's more, I now know at least 90% of where I have to go and what I have to do in order to prevent such a downward spiral to ever occur again, and to live a somewhat normal, decent life for myself, be somewhat content etc etc. But whenever I think of not just IN GENERAL what I have to do, but actually picture myself doing it, really making it concrete in my head, I am overwhelmed. I am so scared. It's like this huge mountain that I have to overcome it feels like. It's not necessary complicated, like I've laid out parts of the "solution" before on here and I could write an essay...or not, I could boil it down to 5-6 things I need to do and change, but every step is so difficult for me. Now, I can definitely see that some things get easier the more often I do them, but still, there are so many things completely new and foreign to me that I would have to do and experience and change about my past self, it's really frightening.

    And obviously, we all know what happens when fear takes over.

    So yeah, I am really glad I wont be alone starting tomorrow night because I think if I spent a longer time in this situation, all that I managed to overcome in the past year, would come back full force and I would be really suicidcal again. So for now, let's just stick it out and hope for brighter days ahead.
     
  11. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    2 months have passed.

    As usual, I return to the forum in a bad state. At least, temporarily. I mean...when trying to see things objectively, my situation is "okay". It is definitely 100x better than it was a year ago, and 10000x better than two years ago. Yet, occasionally it feels extremely uncomfortable to live in reality again. Like right now I am applying to a few private (tutoring) schools and this huge amount of insecurity has risen inside me. It's like a big heavy ball inside me. It feels terrible. All this doubt, this insecurity -- am I playing tricks on everyone again, pretending to be something I am not, how long until I get found out a fraud, etc etc.

    I had a glance at that thread "after quitting porn my life is harder than ever" and I can relate to that a lot. Like, yes, everything is better, I feel less depressed than ever before etc etc. But there are so many challenges, problems to solve, there is so much I have to face (internally mostly), and that never used to be the case when I was still deep in the PMO/depression haze. Obviously I don't want to go back (I've watched porn maybe 5 times the last few months and that was enough to not want to go back). But I miss these times occasionally -- when everything was simpler (though worse), and whenever I felt bad, I could just watch porn and it would go away for a bit. Nowadays I find that I can't seem to escape and fully relax anymore, it's really strange. That should be a good thing, but it doesn't feel that way.

    I believe my problem is still that ultimately there is a huge void inside me. I just don't know what I want, like REALLY. I've certainly found things that are somewhat motivating to me now and some thing I am looking forward to and so on. But none of it is truly enticing and motivating me. It's always a struggle. Like my tutoring job, it is somewhat motivating and it is nice to have something to do and progress in etc, but I always have to motivate myself, every day. It's such a struggle to even put in two hours. I am not even talking about 8 or 10 hours, that's wishful thinking. That's how difficult every step of the way is.

    Most importantly, in the last 2-3 months, I've noticed my depression trying to crawl back into my life and mind. (hence the few relapses, too.) I don't want it to return, but right now things feel uncomfortably similar to how they were in the past: I am trying to motivate myself, trying to find the energy to push through, until it all collapses eventually and the downward spiral begins.

    Again, where is the big picture? The most inner layer of the onion? It's all little unconnected things. I go to meditation classes, I try to not be online as much, I try to get some career, I try to socialize, I go on vacations, I try to be grateful etc etc., but it's all just irrelevant really. It doesn't add up to much of anything, there is no compound effect. Everything is a little better, but nothing is much better. Like I said, my situation now is 10000x better than 2 years ago, but when you start from almost dead, then everything is better. Yet, I am a million miles away from a good life! And that is frustrating and causing despair.

    I will try to write more/more positive stuff tomorrow. Maybe I can start journalling regularly again, failed at this the last few months/years.
     
  12. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Seems to me rabbit that your life is still lacking something or maybe you don't realize how much of a positive impact the activities your taking part in acutally have in your life.

    Have you tired Recovery Nation yet?

    I've been reading it a lot lately and it's really explained to me how our values and actions that are in line with those values have a positive impact on our emotions.

    You should check it out.
     
  13. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    look up dependant personality disorder. i think you fit description to a t
     
  14. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    So yesterday was a bad day with depression and also PMO. I am not in a good state of mind these days, I don't really know why. A few months ago, I seemed to do better. But now I am starting to be suicidal again, kind of out of nowhere it seems. It is incredibly hard to pinpoint the cause and understand what is going on with me. Some kind of general anxiety or depression, which is something I am not really used to, as my depression in the past often had at least some kind of cause or reason or trigger.

    Hi,
    I did the first few chapters from the Recovery Nation workshop a few years ago, but then I stopped. If I remember correctly, it was quite heavy and stressful (emotionally). Does it give you any concrete, practical improvements? I am a bit afraid of just like more introspection and analysis-paralaysis at this point, you know?

    I can't see the similarity at first glance. Why do you think so?
    I think from all the disorders I've come across or was suggested, the highly sensitive personality seemed the most accurate for me.
     
  15. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    It's given me direction for sure Rabbit. And I've only been reading it as a book, not doing the lessons.

    What I like about it, is how it explains essentially how people who are happy and content live their lives and tells you how to be that.

    I think the information could almost be beneficial to anyone out there who has goals they want to achieve but haven't for whatever reason or even for someone who is depressed or chronically lazy.

    Not all of it applies to addiction but rather just properly learning how to manage your life.

    It's only been a week since I started the lessons but I now know that this is the knowledge that I need to live a healthy life emotionally. The stuff in it will stick with me forever.
     
  16. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Yo. Dependant personality disorder people postpone moving outta house, and need family OR good girlfriend OR many buddies to even function in society. Description will mention things like being unable to decide for yourself, asking for second opinion too often, but in my case I just can't stand living alone.
    quote from you:
    "So yesterday was a bad day with depression and also PMO. I am not in a good state of mind these days, I don't really know why. A few months ago, I seemed to do better. But now I am starting to be suicidal again, kind of out of nowhere it seems. It is incredibly hard to pinpoint the cause and understand what is going on with me. "
    BLa bla bla bla bla. Problem with depression, is the day you are depressed, you think you was always depressed in the past and will always be depressed. On the day you are happy, you kinda can't recall bad days or believe yourself you really were sad.

    Like this, girl dumps you, you cry a lot, are suicidal. 3 years from that situation you recall those days and think "nah, it wasnt that bad, I'm just making things up"

    When it comes to depression, I accepted it, learned about it, know that it will inevitably come on some days and them pass on another days. NoFap can sometimes replace depression with rage, which can be good. Also, some days are just downtime, its not depression, just low energy.

    I'm learning jhanas atm. While I never was good at those techniques, allure of druglike joy on demand is something I will eventually make time for.

    Also, you could finally stop thinking about yourself and visit my journal! Haha!

    Also, don't concentrate on MO, don't make stupid counters. You learned enough not to count (haha what a pun) on them. Some days you notice you have 3 days in and you can continue from that. And when I notice some days in instead of resetting counter to show this I just try to release with some broad. No need to mentally masturbate over masturbating
     
  17. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    So....I haven't been able to write in this journal regularly for a long time. I think I want to try again, after 4 months (!) of being absent.

    Let's start with the obvious, sex, porn and no fap.

    Just earlier I went to a prostitute for the first time in 3 years or even a bit longer. It was alright. I had thought about it for a few weeks at least; my main reason was kind of stupid, but I last had any kind of sex almost 2 years ago, and I didnt want it to be two years. Perhaps a bit silly, but it had really become an issue for me mentally. So now that "dry spell" is over, and I am happy about that. I am very sure I dont want to go to one again. It was alright, but it just isn't the kind of lifestyle or experience I want to have. So there is no danger of falling into this hole again and make stupid decisions like in the past, where I had mostly bad experiences with paid sex, yet still kept doing it.

    I actually read something about sex addiction and therapy in a newspaper recently, and it had a pretty insightful line in it: this therapist said the number one thing he goes for is for his patients to try and get into a relationship. I thought that was interesting and is most likely my number one issue as well, for many reasons (elaborated on here many times).

    Porn-wise, I am doing very well. It seems my counter is broken or something, but I haven't watched porn since at least July, I cant even remember. Only thing I saw was some revenge porn pics last week while I was reading up on something. But no big deal. I even have my iPad next to my bed and it hasn't led me to relapse, as it would have years ago. So I am quite sure I am over this issue as well. I am not concernced with porn any longer. I glanced at a thread on bodybuilding.com a few weeks ago about former porn stars who should come back, and initially I was intrigued, but was actually bored on page 2.

    Masturbation -- still an issue as always; I dont think I even made it past day 5 or so in 2017. I still experience the same negative effects of it that I always have. The most important thing that has occured to me is that MAYBE it is too difficult for me to completely abstain at this point. I know others said this to me years ago, but I rejected it and I am still not completely sure about it. But I realize that it is extremely difficult for me. I quickly get into dangerous territory mentally, like after a few days I get really horny and I start to wonder why I dont have a girlfriend when everyone tells me I am handsome/social/funny/blah blah, and it all leads to a terrible state of mind. So I believe the course for me now is to get a girlfriend and then work on not masturbating at all during the relationship, and hopefully when it ends, I will have an easier time to just keep going with not masturbating.

    I will write about the non-sexual parts of my life more in depth next time, which are obviously more important (I have learned this over the last two years...). In short, I am doing quite well. I have a regularly 3 days a week job at a kind of prep school, teaching English, Math and German. This has completely changed my life. I've been there for just three months and have already learned so much. There are conflicts with the owners, other teachers or students on a regular basis -- nothing serious or anything, but just your regular office problems, and having to deal with this kind of shit every week has done so much for me, I have a lot less fear about confrontation, and taking charge has become a lot easier for me. It has led to me planning a whole one week round trip with my friend where I literally had to do everything, book tables in restaurants, do the check in at every new hotel, ask for directions etc etc. Pretty crazy, but it was nothing, and so many girls checked me out and flirted with me, it was absolutely insane. But to dwell on it just leads to frustration, as per above.

    So all in all, doing pretty well. What's in store in the near future? This week my best friend is visiting me, so that is exciting for me. Then at Christmas, for the first time in ... ever, my family is going on vacation, so I am pretty excited about that as well. I've also just got handed down an iPhone 6 plus, which is really cool; not the newest one, but a lot better than my poverty iPhone 4S that I used to have. So I am pretty stoked about that as well.
     
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2017
  18. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Happy new year to anyone reading this.

    I've been on this forum for almost 5 years now! And even though I havent been able to post very frequently, it feels good coming back here once in a while. It's nice to know that I can just pop in and write in my journal with no filter or inhibitions, and people will read or even respond. It's also nice when people from way back return - just a few weeks ago Al posted again and we exchanged a few messages, so that was nice, as he had been on here when I first joined in March 2013 and we had talked quite bit back then. It's really amazing how you can form a connection with people you've never met and don't REALLY know, but just by being honest and not pretending. So, all in all, it's still important to me to be accountable, thus I'll continue to give updates once in a while -- especially since it is quite amazing for me to go back to older entries and like see the progress I've made in the 3 years I've had this second journal of mine.

    So, 2018.

    Last year was pretty much the best year I've had in a long time. A lot of progress in many areas of my life, most importantly my mental health -- I didn't really have many depressive episodes, at most 1-2 for a week. Other than that, I've always been in an okay or better mood. So that's definitely a significant improvement.

    I've also been taking more charge of my life, applied for and got a job at a tutoring school (not great, but a good first step for me), have planned and gone onto an amazing vacation, been A LOT more social and outgoing. To top it off, I went ice-skating for the first time in my life a day before New Year's Eve -- at almost 30, I was quite afraid of that, had lots of doubts and blah blah, but it turned out to be amazing (even though I was very cautious). Quite an experience, though, from a life/mindset point of view. That has shown me, once again, that a lot of my fears and doubts are unfounded, and that I should just try new things and do it.

    So in terms of porn and recovery, I dont like the distinction of "addicted" and "healed" or "recovered" anymore. I dont really consider myself recovered, but I am also not sure what would need to happen for me to consider myself recovered. I just don't really think about it in these terms anymore and I didnt beat myself up about this -- I dont even want to call it that -- "relapse" I had recently. I think a big problem of mine always used to be that I considered myself broken and in need of being healed or changed. And maybe in parts that was true, but now that a lot of inner change has happened and I've experienced a year of emotional and mental stability, I shouldn't think like that anymore -- I am good the way I am, and that doesnt mean I cant still change or improve things if I want to.

    As to recovery, maybe I should phrase it like this: I am starting to think that there is a long phase of "being recovered", in which you can still make a lot of progress and in which a single "relapse" doesn't really affect anything, but is actually a sign of further progress.

    I mean...two nights ago I watched porn for the first time in 6 months or so. It was a short clip, not long.

    I am not sure how to put what I want to say into words -- it was sort of a flashback that I had, thinking back of one porn star from way back. In the last two years, I haven't watched a lot of porn, and I've found almost no interest and excitement in new clips at all. Like zero. The times I did watch new random scenes, it left me unsatisfied, unfulfilled, and empty. So I've mostly felt being drawn back on occasion to porn that I watched in the first few years of this addiction, like 10 years ago. Porn stars that are long out of the business. But the interesting thing to me is that after one or two clips/days, I lose even that interest in them. I am starting to think that even after such long abstinence (I think two 10 months stretches in 5 years) or long periods of a significant reduction in porn usage, there are things happening on a deeper, subsconscious level. Maybe I am trying to read too much into this, but I find it very interesting that I've pretty much only watched these clips from years ago, highlight clips of my youth or something, and that upon having watched them, I dont even care about that anymore. I think that eventually I will run out of "highlight clips" to go back to, porn stars or specific videos that suddenly pop up in my mind from memory, and then all porn will cease to exist for me. Perhaps that is when I can call it true recovery.
     

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