Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by rabbit., Nov 18, 2014.

  1. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Day 1 (no MO)

    I am sick today. I think I am coming down with the flu. But I am still hoping it's just a minor thing and I can be over it on Monday.

    So yeah, I didn't do much today, just watched some sports on TV. I tried to do my daily hypnosis, but I couldn't really concentrate / get into it. Also, my foot has been really crappy lately, hurting all the time. A few years ago it was really bad, so much that I couldn't walk properly for a few months, so I hope "it" hasn't resurfaced again. That said, I've not been diligent with my work outs and diet lately, I've put on a bit of weight again and haven't done my rehab / prehab workouts, so this is at least partly my fault.

    Anyways, I am trying to stay positive, throughout this little bad stretch, but also in general. There are so many things that are good about my life, and there are so many things I still want to do and experience -- that's something that I always have to work on keeping on my mind.
  2. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Day 2 (no MO)

    Again, just a short post as I am trying to cut down on my Internet use, which has been really hard. I've read a lot about this in the past, like in the beginning of May there is the "screen free week" where lots of families and schools in the US or elsewhere take part in a week without any screen time. They have all these lists of activities that you can do instead and most of it seems really boring to me or feels very forced. For instance, board games: my family would never do that, even though we have a few, but we just won't voluntarily do that. And the thing with those activities is that 1) they only work in the summer because most of them are outdoor activities and, more importantly 2) they are short-term activities that don't really achieve anything in the long run. Like cleaning your room, painting a picture, and whatever.

    So for me, I need to find things that I can do without a computer that have some sort of progression and outcome in the long run. I've been trying to get into playing the piano again, which I used to do as a child, but it's been quite difficult to even play regularly every day. So yeah, this is something I'm thinking about at the moment, some activities that I could do, basically some offline hobby that is not totally pointless and has some tangible result and can be done every day for years to come. And obviously, this is part of a much bigger problem of mine: I still don't have many goals to look forward to and to work on every day. I do some things nowadays, but it's not enough, still too much free time, still too little drive and ambition.

    Thankfully, I recovered well over night and I wasn't really sick anymore today, just a bit. I hope I'll be completely fine tomorrow.
  3. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Day 3 (no MO)

    This is usually the time where I start to feel really emotional and irritable, and such was the case today, though I did handle it quite well I think.

    I was very good with my computer use today, was only online for 2 hours and was very productive during that time. Took a little trip with my mom today and it was really nice. I want to do this more often, just take small trips (a 1 or 2 hour drive) and go sightseeing and stuff. This will be good for my mood and be like a small vacation, that's all I need I think as I am not THAT busy in general yet.

    My best friend is coming to visit me this week, so I am excited for that, lots of things planned.

    On the work front, things are moving very fast, maybe too fast for me. This school nearby is looking for tutors in the afternoon, and someone has recommended me, but I don't know if I am ready for that. 6 months ago I started with two students who were children of my family's friends. It was more like a hobby, something to pass time and get me out of a funk and putting my mind to something useful again. Now I have 7 students, three potential new ones, and also possibly that school gig, and then there is this big official tutoring school/business where I know a friend of a friend, and they are also looking for tutors. I have to say I felt a lot of anxiety today when my friend told me that she knows someone at the school and they're looking for a tutor. A lot of self-doubt, feelings of insecurity and not being inadequate and not being ready and everything. I still feel like I am kinda playing a con with everybody, and I am frauding big time only waiting to be found out or something. Really weird shit in my head and I need to get this sorted (not just in this case but in general).

    That said, things are looking up and I am in a good mood, excited for this week and the coming months (summer especially).
  4. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Day 1 (no MO)...unfortunately

    The emotions were too much yesterday, and I was pretty horny, so I MO'd. Ok, back to square 1, it's okay.

    I was quite productive today.

    I'm trying to stay positive. A few days ago I watched this show about a famous comedian who got a stroke at 45 and had to re-learn everything and is stilled kinda messed up but trying to stay in the fight and staying positive. Very inspiring, really. I have so much that I take for granted, and so few real problems. But we forget...So onto new horizons!
  5. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Day 1 (no MO)

    I'm spinning my wheels in regards to no MO again, it seems. No idea what to do. That said, things are improving in all other areas of my life, which is great.

    Not much else. I have lots of travel plans for the next few years, I am excited and motivated to earn the necessary money.
  6. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Day 2 (no MO), also one week without porn

    A good day today. Went to see a big car factory with my friend, was pretty cool. Good mood all day. I am excited for things to move forward. Lots of ideas and plans for the future. I just need to get better at putting my plans into action more quickly instead of pondering them over and over again.
  7. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Day 3 (no MO).

    I haven't been able to go past Day 3 very often this year, so I want to do it this time.

    I feel really good. Had a great trip with my friend today, visited a few sights and met this really interesting spiritual guy/shaman/meditation teacher (I don't even know how to label him). It was quite interesting, as I am usually totally against esoteric bullshit, but he wasn't that far out there and seemed very balanced. He said I could come and visit him anytime and he would give me an introduction to tai chi and qi gong, which is something I've been meaning to try out for ages (it was even suggested to me on here). It's on Fridays too, where I usually have no lessons, so I should definitely do this. Like I said in my first post a while ago after my return to this forum: My thoughts and actions (or inactions) led to my terrible state last March and the years before that, so I need to change them. So I am trying to really say yes to new things and new experiences.
  8. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Day 1.

    Had two relapses yesterday. Terrible, but that's how it is. I felt really lonely and didn't know what else to do than do what I've done so many times over the last decade.

    Today I had some difficulties to get going in the morning, but then it got better. Gave two lessons, which was good. I also might get a job in a tutoring school where a friend of my family knows the owner. Lots of anxiety in regards to this though. I constantly ask myself whether I am good enough already, whether my skills (both technical and teaching-wise) are enough already or whether I need more time to prepare, study, get better. It's really hard for me to gauge how good I am at this job thus far. I do get great results for my students, but as usual, it is easy to take credit for those things when a lot of other factors, one simply being chance, play a role as well.

    So a lot of mental shit I have to work through at the moment, which is kind of annoying me because I am very aware of what is going on: I get opportunities left and right now, as if the universe is telling me to really go down this path and try it, but I am scared and I am waiting for some kind of guarantee, certainty that this is the right choice. But that will probably never come, so yeah....time to be bold I guess.

    I mean, I have to think of all the benefits. It would be amazing for me to be able to simply say that I work for a tutoring school, like I would finally have a real job that I don't have to be ashamed of or feel insecure about. I would also have a lot more money and for the first time in like...ever I could save up: first I would put money in my emergency fund that went all the way down to zero 1.5 years ago because I simply stopped working due to my head being a mess, so I would want to have like 6-9 months of all expenses saved up for emergencies.

    Then I would start saving for stuff that I really want. In terms of material things, I want to buy a really good computer screen that is good for my eyes (something like $600+). I also want to buy a new tablet (maybe $400). In terms of experiences, I definitely want to start hiring a piano teacher because I find it very difficult to teach this myself, so ideally they would come to my house 1-2 a week ($25-50 or so). And then I want to save up for all my traveling plans: a few trips around my country, 2 trips to England/Scotland/Ireland, and eventually a few of my dream vacations, one of which is to travel in this sort of luxury train, either through South Africa or Australia, which is quite expensive; and secondly, a really nice cruise on a smaller, more "exclusive" ship (the ones I saw in an ad were like $10.000 for two weeks!). So yeah, still a lot of lessons to give until I can pay for that :D, but I am starting to develop desires and dreams of things and experiences I want to have, so that's some motivation for me right there on top of more general motivations like living a more normal life with a regular job and everything.
  9. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    No posts for a few days = relapse. Obviously. The last few weeks I've definitely lost my mojo or my "chi". I don't feel grounded at all at the moment. I am restless, irritated, tired, lethargic, I am not motivated to go to my tutoring lessons, I haven't worked out at all for 10+ days, etc etc. Just feel like nothing is going my way right now. I know this is kinda bullshit, but the thing is that I am still waiting for my breakthrough, something that will put me onto "normal" immediately. Right now I really feel no desire, no ambition, not looking forward to anything. Maybe it's the weather or my depression is coming back? I hope not. But one thing I've learned over the years: if I don't write in my journal, things will get even worse. So here I am again.
  10. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    So a couple of weeks have passed, again. I'm struggling at the moment. As I mentioned in my last few posts back in April, I have kinda lost my positive energy. Right now it's getting worse as well because for the first time in like a year or so, I am on my own for a week. That was my normal life back then, but now I can really see how detrimental it is to not talk to anyone all day and be by myself 24 hours with very, very little social contact. Thankfully my family will come back on the weekend, but yeah, this week has definitely worsened my "flunk" -- I dont even know how to properly label it, might be some kind of depression relapse again.

    These days, I just feel completely overwhelmed by everything. It's annoying me so much. I know exactly what I have to do. I can play out the steps in my head, I know what needs to be done, so I can finally have a normal, regular life. What's frustrating me is that I sometimes feel like I am pretty much alone with this kind of general problem. Like, let's take dating/girls as just one example. Even a few years ago I wrote in this journal how I just need to put myself out there because the "skills" are there. But this past year has even intensified that impression because I can literally talk to anyone and I did this stand-up routine on my mom's birthday in front of 60 people and it was nothing to me. I go on trips regularly, plan everything out, I always make people laugh etc etc. So I honestly think all I would need to do would be to be more often in social settings. Pretty simple (maybe not easy), but it is so difficult for me to do anything about it.

    Same with my career, my fitness, my whole way of thinking. I now know exactly what I did wrong, what led me to my precarious situation, to my breakdown, to my decade-long depression, isolation, everything; what's more, I now know at least 90% of where I have to go and what I have to do in order to prevent such a downward spiral to ever occur again, and to live a somewhat normal, decent life for myself, be somewhat content etc etc. But whenever I think of not just IN GENERAL what I have to do, but actually picture myself doing it, really making it concrete in my head, I am overwhelmed. I am so scared. It's like this huge mountain that I have to overcome it feels like. It's not necessary complicated, like I've laid out parts of the "solution" before on here and I could write an essay...or not, I could boil it down to 5-6 things I need to do and change, but every step is so difficult for me. Now, I can definitely see that some things get easier the more often I do them, but still, there are so many things completely new and foreign to me that I would have to do and experience and change about my past self, it's really frightening.

    And obviously, we all know what happens when fear takes over.

    So yeah, I am really glad I wont be alone starting tomorrow night because I think if I spent a longer time in this situation, all that I managed to overcome in the past year, would come back full force and I would be really suicidcal again. So for now, let's just stick it out and hope for brighter days ahead.

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