Journal to the Centre of the Self

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by TheScriabin, Jan 4, 2014.

  1. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Thank you Living.

    I really appreciate your feedback :)

    To be honest, I have a similar feeling about groups, that they are only a part of the journey, and it is important to not always rely on them and at some stage when we feel ready we need to move on.

    However, in my own case, at least during this period of my life, I consider getting support from the groups of people experiencing similar problems to myself an essential part of moving forward. I don’t see the groups as an alternative to reality, but as the next best thing, an opportunity to experiment in a supportive environment what I can then feel better able to take on in the outside world. After all, depression is a reality too, albeit one that is frequently hidden and out of view.

    I have this philosophy that we need 2 types of relationship to mature: somebody who is in a better position than us, and somebody who is in a worse position than us. It is valuable to realise, no matter how down and out we feel, there is somebody who will benefit from our guidance and presence in their lives, yet it is also essential that we have somebody who is wiser than we are who we can learn from and emulate. The former is about supporting the needs of others as a 'parent', the latter is about our own need to be parented. Acknowledging and understanding archetypes is, for me, very helpful. I learned a lot about this from the book 'King, Warrior, Magician, Lover'.

    On a separate note, I made 9 days. That was the SLOWEST 9 days of my life but I think it is because my life has been richer and fuller than it has been in a long time.
    Last edited: May 12, 2018
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  2. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Not really missing p at the moment, this is good.

    I lost my temper a bit at work today, and felt very ashamed. It’s weird, I spent many years in unsuccessful therapies trying to unblock myself, but I could never really emote (apart from express anger towards myself), and the consequences are these explosions at work. I feel really upset with myself as it runs counter to the person I like to present.

    I remember advising Londoner a couple of weeks back that a little ‘explosion’ is probably a good thing, but I don’t feel good having done it myself. Nobody was hurt, I didn’t explode at anybody, but I still made a bit of a scene and feel it was unprofessional.
  3. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Emotions can run rampant with no PMO, but I feel we can improve on them over time. I work with my therapist on properly expressing myself. He says I either "submit" and say nothing or lash out. We need to stand up and be assertive,but with compassion. Find that middle ground. Good learnig experience...forgive yourself and move forward.
  4. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    I’ve been in a massive mood recently. But I don’t give a shit. I’m sick and tired of my frickin family.

    The insanity is that it’s totally normal for families to argue and get pissed off with each other, yet my family is so bleedin nice. Yet I spent years screaming at myself and beating myself up in my room, and they don’t like that because it ‘upsets everybody else.’ I suggested having a family talk, inviting my dad to be present, and I could see my mother quaking in her boots. She said, ‘What’s the point? What will it achieve?’ The subtext is of course, ‘I’m afraid and I don’t want to.’ Her voice was weak as she spoke these words. It was so clear her desire is to avoid pain rather than confront it. Nobody wants to discuss anything, the family law is simple: protect the mother at all costs, even if it means nobody can express their own feelings and everybody gets sick and medicated with whatever their drug of choice is.

    I was expressing myself in a positive way around the table last night, I haven’t done that for ages. Finally talking and jokingly again. I could just sense my elder brother seething in jealousy from the other side, brooding, not celebrating me, not sharing, just waiting for his cue to interrupt and take control. Nobody ever develops or picks up on what I say. We are a family of paper tigers. Cardboard-cutouts with smiley faces. I’m done with this shit. I was always blamed for being cruel to him, but my elder brother has always resented me and hated me, he just cannot be honest about it.

    I’ve grown a little tired of these anxiety support groups I’ve been going to. Mostly because I hate mindfullness and all the crap that people keep telling me to do, and nobody goes any deeper. They seem to associate talking about feelings with being negative and looking backwards. But there is nothing negative about the fucking truth! We are all the living embodiment of the histories we have lived, from womb to tomb, and in my view a lot of this mental manipulation just represses feelings, though I’m not surprised it’s popular with anxious types and those who don’t like confrontation and fear their own anger and aggression etc. Life is all about pain, loss, grief, anger, passion, desire, rage. Mindfulness just doesn’t make any sense to me.

    The world seemed to have more courage in the 60s and 70s where things like Janov’s primal therapy were being pioneered and there was a lot more experimentation. These deeper experiences have all but been replaced by mind-based therapies: I am a neurotic, so I better think myself better so I’m nicer to be around. Sadly, the intellectuals, the reasonables, the rationals, the over-thinkers and the critics, too repressed to go any deeper, cureently have the upper hand in the psychiatry wars. Tragically many great, great therapeutic approaches and practices were suspected and feared to be cults and were abandoned because of people’s fear of losing control of their minds. The crazy thing is, when the mind is sick, why the hell do we want to hold onto it and fight to keep that sickness?

    The worldwide malaise in all its forms.

    Anyway, I feel quite good for having got this mental clutter out. I still wonder what I’m really afraid of.

    Over 2 weeks and feeling quite easy-going about this. No great urges, have allowed myself the odd quick release, no fantasy or a least somebody I know in real life, keeping mind away from crazy porn scenarios. This has made all the difference in assisting my progress. Just feels more real.
    Last edited: May 19, 2018 at 6:19 AM
  5. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Do you live at home? I have come from severe family issues, and they really don't want to confront it all, but the freedom of being on my own is huge. I work through things with my therapist, but I could never imagine living at home again.
  6. Living

    Living Active Member

    Mindfulness is all about becoming aware of what you are feeling or thinking (whether that's negative or positive) and is therefore a key to learning to deal with that. And therapies where you do take that step further, like ACT (which is ingrained with mindfulness), are never about repressing your feelings either. Perhaps it's about giving room for those feelings in a healthier way than you normally would, but repression? No way. In fact, I have been repressing my feelings for most of my life (that's what my family is good at;)) and during ACT I was taught to not only become aware of those feelings (which I was not, because I repressed anything as soon as it came up), but also to be more outspoken about the way that I feel in situations where I would particularly repress my feeling. Even if that would lead to confrontation.

    The things you describe have very little to do with mindfulness. Perhaps it's because of what certain people make of mindfulness. Sometimes very good ideas get picked up by people that do not understand them and turn them into something abominable:) Often because the very good idea is not to their liking or does not go with their perspective. To some people the part of meditation in mindfulness and the beneficial effects that come with that sounds very nice, but the part of actually making room for your feelings might be way out of their comfort zone. But you don't learn to deal with your problems by just sitting down in a lotus position. Awareness is the start, not the finish.
  7. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Hey thanks Living.

    Just feeling confused about everything! But it’s good we all have different feelings about things.

    Been feeling quite frustrated and angry, but I want to take this as a green light to start being more active and resolving some things and not letting my life slip away. So I’m trying to turn the anger into an energy and not just let the thoughts come and go as they please. They are bothering me for a reason.

    I have my eye on a nice Korean girl at work. She seemed very friendly and responsive when I spoke to her. She said she didn’t really like pubs, but that’s ok, not my favourite thing either, so maybe we can go for a tea or something. She’s really cute.
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