Journal to the Centre of the Self

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by TheScriabin, Jan 4, 2014.

  1. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    I’ve had a really good day, despite relapsing last night. I still feel good as the CBT has definitely been helping keep my mind away from negative self-appraisals. My last week reminds me of the classic scene in Superman III where he fights his darker self and eventually wins. I didn’t defeat the PMO, but I did defeat the other me who always beats the crap out of me when things go tits up.
     
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  2. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Feeling more determined recently, but I hate the feeling, ok, now I’ve found my determination again wtf do I do with it?!!

    I’ve been more open and friendly with work colleagues but my negative thoughts still do their best to attack me afterwards. Now I’ve moved from quiet and polite to more chatty and open, the post-review is ‘I talk such superficial shit all the time and these feelings are exactly why I tend to remain quiet.’ I present a gloss which contrasts with the intensity of the pain inside, and it’s why I then tend to switch into the ‘moody child’ in order to communicate that I have feelings, but it’s not an adult way to do so, it’s not pro-active and people don’t like it.

    I can still see how childlike my learned behaviors are, and I’m unconsciously wanting parenting or something. I feel really lost and alone knowing this is not the way to be an adult, but struggling to do it differently, without just resorting to Mr Nice Guy. My parents were both very needy, and now I’m on my own, I don’t know how to relate with people who don’t need me in some way.

    Any advice for keeping it real?
     
  3. Living

    Living Active Member

    It's a bit of a paradox, isn't it:) I myself am not very good at small talk and am not comfortable with it either, but I do like to socialize with people. For years I have been diving into the depths of conversations and the majority of people is just not into that. I used to think that small talk is simply something I'm not good at and that was a reason for me to sometimes limit social interaction. These days I believe that if I want to socialize this is actually something I can learn. I still find it hard to do, but by doing so I do get better at it and it actually becomes more natural.
     
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  4. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    That’s a very interesting way of looking at it Living, thanks.

    One of the anxiety strategies in my CBT work is actually to practice small talk more, just by taking it easy and not expecting every conversation to be life changing and deep. What we need to modify depends what our particular issue is I guess. My tendency to want deeper conversations often lead me to form friendships with people who were too intense and clingy, and I realised I missed just having a laugh and being myself. I think it’s safe to say whatever our strategy in the past has been, we have to slowly learn to do the opposite.
     
  5. Living

    Living Active Member

    I understand what you say here. Although I also like deeper conversations I can't say that the people I have deep conversations with are the ones I find most sympathatic. It makes you wonder what that says about us, huh?;) It also makes you wonder whether we not actually like that small talk more, but stick to the deeper conservations because that's our comfort zone. So yeah, I totally agree that practicing small talk can be beneficial and after a while might lead to more laughs. And if the goal is to have a good time, is small talk really that superficial?
     
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  6. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Your last line exactly! Having a good time is deep! It’s the best dynamic of life because it is the healthiest. People connect very deeply often with those they can have a good time with because they are able to be themselves. They need it, and we need it :)
     
  7. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Major depressions over the weekend but I think I learned a few things. Even had a belt around my neck at one point, completely blowing everything out of preportion. I was able, fortunately, to give myself a harsh talking to (better than a gentle talking to during these moments, I find) that I wasn’t a victim of depression, but I’m just acting like a total dick (to myself). Depression is often my excuse to not address my problems. I also tend to console myself in a ‘motherly’ way, and I was trying to imagine what a strong father would do for his son who was going off the rails and fucking his life up. He might hug him and love him, sure, but he might also, when needed, give him a stern talking to and tell him to get his act together. That is also love. I lacked this in my own up bringing and need to learn these skills and dialogues with myself.

    My mum has been away and I think I’ve felt the loss. It kicked up some very childlike emotions of being abandoned, also the rawness of my last relationship ending has added to these feelings. It is difficult to get perspective when the pain is so great, but on reflection I fully understand what is going on. I am willing to embrace this and open up to the possibility that a new relationship will come along when I am ready, and understanding where this primeval pain and helplessness (I’m 38! But there you go, these feelings are routed in childhood) comes from is immensely helpful. The book ‘No More Mr Nice Guy’ is also helping me understand these feelings too. After all, I’m only a man, as soon as another pretty face enters my life I won’t worry about the past!!
     
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2018 at 7:10 AM
  8. staythecourse

    staythecourse Active Member


    You're in a tough spot. It will pass. Its usually temporary. Is your breakup recent? The belt is a pretty extreme action. What actions are you taking to get better? Look for areas of your life to improve and then take action. Isolation is usually my most comfortable spot, and also most painful spot.
     
  9. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Thanks mate.

    I’ve been feeling like I’ve burnt all my bridges, hence the dispair feelings, which are usually worst Sunday night because the anticipatory anxiety for the week ahead builds up and I easily feel overwhelmed. I’ve been very conscientious and motivated about doing my CBT, haven’t missed a day for about 3 months, but the loneliness kills me and feels especially raw on the weekends. Feels like I’m treading water and not really getting anywhere. But I also think I’m experiencing some of the trauma of facing the social situations that my CBT is helping me to do. It’s not supposed to be easy, and it’s hard to feel like I am making progress, even though perhaps I am more than I realise.

    The breakup was over a month ago, but we remained friends which I think is a bad idea as it makes me frustrated that I can’t get sex. I think it would make it easier, and fairer on both if we went our separate ways altogether. I have no right to want sex from a girl I’m not dating anymore, but those feelings are there because I’ve struggled to move on.

    To be honest staythecourse, making a constructive plan and the lifestyle changes that are so essential for recovery are exceptionally difficult for me - not that this makes me special, I know it’s difficult for everybody - but a lot of what I have tried I either don’t stick with or social anxiety gets the better of me and I give up. I have to let go my biggest solution of all, which is the fantasy that if I just keep doing what I’ve always done things will somehow improve.

    But what I have identified is:

    1. I need more male-bonding activities. To feel ok with other men, and resolve some of the wounds from being bullied and rejected at school and being viewed as the ‘little guy who hangs around.’ My brothers also contribute to this feeling. They are both bigger, they didn’t bully or reject me, but they use me as the family listener. I don’t feel they are really there for me in a supportive brother capacity.
    2. I need to obsess over women far less. Stop seeking their approval all the time.
    3. I need to do more physical fitness. My jogging routine stopped due to finding it boring. Investigating gymnastics classes for adults.
    4. I need to find a way to manage work better, so it doesn’t always provide me with an excuse not to do other activities.
    5. I need to try to love and accept myself unconditionally, even though I would also like to be fitter/stronger/more confident/pmo free etc.
     
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2018 at 10:35 AM

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