Journal: Positive Steps

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Kick, Feb 17, 2015.

  1. 1234dyl

    1234dyl Active Member

    Nice, sounds like you're doing the right things and you're in a good place.. go easy on the games and pot though lol
    Kick likes this.
  2. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    @Dylan1234 Yeah mate, it's ups and downs, but I feel like I'm slowly climbing back to a place I want to be at.

    Been a busy few days, working a lot, seeing friends. Hit shoulders today at the gym feelsgoodman

    Been ramping up meditation slowly, it's enjoyable, but part of me would rather just go to bed or play video games. I will say that it is one of the best things I do though, it's a respite from anxiety and my troubles. Sometimes I stare those worries in the face when I meditate and that is the best way to go about taking them down, or at least it's a way of becoming comfortable enough with them so that they don't debilitate me as much. I'm lost in thought most of the day, creating a background hum of anxiety and it's a snowballing effect. Like, I feel like I'm walking on ice a lot of the time, afraid of ridiculous scenarios where I might lose my job, or I'll get judged or something. It's time like these I wish I never got into drugs or addicted to video games or was mean-spirited, then I'd be free without this backlog of shit weighing me down, I guess I'm paranoid that I'll get found out somehow and then people will look at me differently. Back to the walking on ice analogy - this happens all the time, I'll say something stupid or interpret something in a severely negative manner, have an interaction with a person that doesn't go well and it plants the seed of anxiety that lasts all fucking day. Anyway, let it go, ce la vie. That's the trouble here - I'm overthinking everything.

    In other news more relevant to this forum, I've been getting occasional pangs of lust, really varying MW, 1 week no MO and about 6 months no P... I wish I had the social skills to hook a girl but I keep on doubting myself grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
    1234dyl likes this.
  3. 1234dyl

    1234dyl Active Member

    Pretty sure if you keep up with nofap you’ll get that keen for action that you’ll just go for it. Props to you on six months no porn though that’s crazy good
  4. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    @Dylan1234 Yeah true that. I'm starting to feel close to tipping point and just going for it. I just need a few flattering photos of myself and then I'll get back on tinder ;)

    MO'd last night, I'm starting to feel keen on MO again, before it was something that I could take or leave, but I think my libido is ramping up slowly. This probably has a lot to do with going to the gym lots and seeing cute girls and especially staying off weed. I just shouldn't overdo it.
  5. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Work, gym, really starting to get more and more joy out the gym. It's a good place to leave work and any worries behind me.

    Still haven't MO'd since Friday. Might set myself a challenge and not MO for the rest of the year.

    In other news, playing way too many video games, but I feel like that addiction is going to break and roll back soon.

    Feeling libidinous for sure by the way, girls at the gym are starting to really pop up on my radar and I just want to gawp at them lol. I need to get back on tinder
  6. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Worked today and am now on holidays until the 2nd of January. Phew. Feeling tired as hell and am keen for bedtime.

    Had leg day at the gym, but I hadn't eaten enough before hand so it was kind of a half-hearted session.

    Had a feeling of a libido before feeeels good man, definitely going to get tinder happening again

    MW has been sluggish, but I haven't been of a good sleeping pattern lately

  7. 1234dyl

    1234dyl Active Member

    That’s awesome I’m free until January too. Enjoy your holidays man!! But remember The devil makes work for idle hands
    Kick likes this.
  8. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Yeah mate I MO'd today ._. the devil in me strikes again. There goes the end of year resolution lol. Will try last the next 9 days.

    Was very tempted to get some pot today, I'm home alone tonight and it felt kind of right, but I realised that's just another old pattern of jumping on any plausible opportunity to smoke. So, not caving in to that temptation today.

    Listened to some music before and holy crap it made me feel a lot better, a lot more motivated, I just spend like 2 hours playing and writing guitar on a new program and it felt amazing to finally do something productive and just challenging enough that I could feel myself getting more skilled as I went. It reminds me of being in a flow state and I guess I was, I recall watching a video where the speaker said that we get into flow states when we are presented with a challenge that is at or above our skill level in the relevant activity and that is precisely what just happened feels good man, I feel excited
  9. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Went to a friend's party on Saturday and despite being tempted to smoke pot at least half a dozen times by friends, I didn't smoke up. Feels good man. Got a little bit drunk, played some guitar, it was a lot of fun. The next day I was hit with anxiety and mild anhedonia though, which is persisting. Just feeling pretty lazy and keen to have a nap.

    I think I need to spend less time on the computer, which reminds me of something I heard on a podcast last night, something to the tune of "It's easier to act first then the mind will follow, rather than think first and get the body to follow."
    Taking action before I can make an excuse in other words..

    I think I'm just about rid of my PIED. The quality of my erections has been steadily increasing, I'm getting more and more pangs of libido to the point where I really want to feel a girl again. But after all this time, I'll make a point of saying that I have really convinced myself that I can't get it up and that thought, that belief, is one I am letting go of. If I get out of my head and 'with it' I'll have no problem with getting hard.

    Anyway, new year is almost here and I'm going to take some action, set my sails up so the wind takes me some place nice.

    >No more video games
    >Get laid
    >Youtube only for learning
  10. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Pretty relaxed day, went for a swim, it's cooled down a little here so I ate a bunch of food to bulk.

    Am thinking about playing video games now........ Hmm maybe I'll read a book instead.

    Getting back into meditation and it feels like what I've been missing. Just a way to really tune into the present without the narration.

    Anyway, going to play D&D tomorrow with some friends, maybe go for another swim.
  11. jkl

    jkl Member

    I just recently got tinder and set up the account. Not sure how it works entirely. So if you swipe right does the person get a notification and vice versa? Can you only message people who also liked you? How often do you get to meet with the people on tinder? Do the options where you have to pay prove to be better than the free version or is it just a waste of money?
  12. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Hey jkl saw that your post has been answered on your journal so I won't give you my two cents.

    I MO'd Thursday morning (27/12/17) regretfully. It was weird, I didn't feel anything even after I O'd. An O without pleasure almost. Anyway, been playing lots of DnD with friends and have been watching it on Youtube a lot too.

    Been hitting the gym and my sleeping pattern is shot to shit at the moment, will try and make amends for that tonight and go to bed before midnight.\

    Have been meditating some but that's about the size of it. If I don't post tomorrow, happy new year folks
  13. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    MO'd yesterday, had a mild feeling of anxiety at work which cleared up around lunchtime. I wonder if the two are linked.

    Meditating more, feels good man
  14. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Libido coming back strong it's kind of like I'm containing a beast in a cage that likes looking at women

    I think that my abstinence from P and especially from pot is behind this rise in lust
  15. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Been waking up with MW, about 7-8/10 firmness, very consistently. Dreaming again. It's been 5 weeks since I last smoked pot.

    MO'd yesterday while reading a book that had some erotica in it

    Feeling fried after playing D&D for like 5-6 hours

    Just gonna chill and go to bed early tonight

    Sleeping pattern is crucial, same with meditation -- getting more consistent with both of these things
  16. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    So, day 2 no MO. MW and dreams this morning. Mildly anxious at work, and for a lot of the day.. thinking coffee is the cause of this.
    I need better addictions, right now, I'm spending most of my spare time listening to and watching a few people play D&D. It's not even that good, it's just something to do, something that feels good with virtually no effort.
    Turn on, plug in, tune out.
    It's about time I stay and fight, my life won't change if I don't. There's a good book to read, songs to write, music to hear.
    However, the thought pattern always arises - if I do nothing but the mission, surely I'll get burned out? Surely I'll retreat back into the recesses of my mind and stay in the womb? I want to be brave.. the same mistakes are grating.
    I need to see through the pattern and smash it to pieces.
  17. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Been listening to a few talks by Joseph Goldstein about meditations and the mind, getting back on the road and working. Keen for bed tonight and for meditation too. Becoming more self-aware all the time. Not in a self-conscious sense, but just in a way of observing and seeing deeply rooted thought patterns and attitudes.

    This year I'd like to pay off a little debt I have, get my car serviced and running well and go on a short holiday overseas, maybe a month if I can get away with it, I'd also like to write some music. On top of all this, I've got Uni to attend to and still go to the gym... Hmm, I wonder if I can, every week do the following:
    1. Work about 4 days
    2. Hit the gym 3-4 times per week
    3. Study
    4. Write and play and listen to music
    5. Play D&D, maybe once a week
    Keeping it simple and settling on a few activities seems wise
  18. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Still MO free, feeling really flat, I'm getting kind of depressed where I feel like I have nothing at all to talk to people about. Like I'm being judged as not cool, not funny or like I'm a fake. I think the truth is that I'm generating these judgements. Like I don't believe what I have to say is worthwhile, it's crippling my self-expression when I talk to people -- and yet there are times when I can be charming as hell, witty, funny etc....

    I've got a deep rooted belief that all social interaction is some game, that people are always trying to one-up one another in some way, trying to get the last word and ultimately only caring about their own well being. Heck, maybe that's my problem too. I think I'm more sad that I don't know how to play this game or that I see it for what it is and would rather be the sad boy who sits out and doesn't participate.

    It feels like I've done too much damage over the years with PMO and drug abuse and that all my thoughts are this fucking whirlpool I can't seem to step out of for longer than a day or two. I do all the right things, eat well, meditate, work and I'm not mean spirited to other people, or at least I don't think I am. I'm just so unsure of myself and I think I know things but it doesn't help at all it seems. Like the only person I can talk to about what I've written today is a fucking psychologist and a word file on the internet.

    I feel like I make everyone around me feel awkward as they mirror what I feel

    Anyway, I'm going to keep up with the meditation and gtfo of my head
  19. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Feeling much better today, had some decent interactions with people and I was keenly aware of self-judgement as it arose after social interactions.. usually I'll doubt myself and criticise my words and actions after I've been with someone, but being aware of them and having the power to let go of them is liberating.

    Went to the gym -- I notice that I become very self-conscious there -- and bought some music gear afterward. I felt terribly guilty for buying a guitar pedal off a guy for some two-thirds the usual price and it really spun me out, the guy said $100 before he checked the internet, I went away, checked the internet and the reviews and as it turns out a lot of people buy them for $150-175, I immediately called the guy back to buy it once I found this out...

    Anyway. Before the guilt, I was feeling light, wholly present and receptive to experience, but when I started feeling that way it took a good hour for it to fully dissipate. Writing about it now is kind of like picking at fresh wound.

    In regards to MO - I think I always get some MW, but I've lost consistency with my sleeping pattern and I think that lack of consistency is causing my MW quality to wane somewhat. My libido hasn't been that high since last time I MO'd - perhaps that erotic fiction wiped me out. No matter. Having a girl would be a great.
  20. 1234dyl

    1234dyl Active Member

    What guitar pedal you bought dude?? It’s great that you even care about ripping the guy off, most wouldn’t

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