Journal of a 33 year old man

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by cjm, Feb 24, 2016.

  1. cjm

    cjm Active Member

    Shit just found out the man had a young child. So sad
     
  2. Fry2

    Fry2 Active Member

    It's nice to see you developing from the quite superficial PUA stage to the real deal :)
     
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  3. Fry2

    Fry2 Active Member

    That's really sad :/
     
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  4. cjm

    cjm Active Member

    day 108/6

    after my positive entry yesterday, I couldn't shake off my bad mood all day feeling low/bleak/depleted/tired/depressed/angry

    had a big fire which helped a bit as gave me something to do and a bit of a challenge

    was pretty quiet and withdrawn most of the day

    im trying hard to be strong and independent.

    today i was unhappy with the F situation, and basically felt like im waiting for her to decide if she wants to see me again.

    very tired, i havent slept before about 2 am for weeks now

    at the end of the day i came home and had a good chat with my housemate and a nice chicken kebab, feeling a bit better now

    tomorow is a new day and i have a lot to do before work in the evening

    on the plus side in the last 5 days i had 2 x 5k + runs, 2 x 16 mile cycles and one good weights session. tommorow is weights again. I had no time for extra "activities" at work today. im too tired to do anything productive this evening but will buy some cloathes online and do bathmate excercies
     
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2017
  5. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Well, you did put her in that position. But on the other hand, was there another option?

    Sorry to hear about the bad mood. Got anything to distract you from thinking about F too much?
     
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  6. cjm

    cjm Active Member

    day 110/7

    p free and m free for a week, feel like ive got a handle on this no M now. Well today i hot rock bottom, but sometimes thats a good thing. There have been quite a few intense things going on the last couple of weeks and today i just cracked. Cried in the morning and just felt very very sad. Didnt let that distract me from getting stuff done round the flat, loads to do after electrician was working the other day. Reapired plasterbaord holes (about 6) with wooden battons. and first layer of filler

    productive day but didnt have time for piano or gym. Thats 2 days no piano which is no good, no good at all but i guess you have to prioritise, so tomorrow must proctise. Cant wait tell its finished. Working in the eve hosting, met a cool guy and we just went around chatting to all the girls in the bar, including 2 absolute stunners. Nothing has ever come from these sort of approaching "games" for me but its great practise. You can talk to anyone you want to really

    @Thebeg yeah its what she asked for, time and space. She said she needs to figure out if its just that she needs someone right now, or if its really me she wants - but a lot of the things she said could just be "womanspeak" for i like you but dont want to be with you. All i could have done differently is just said no, i cant deal with that lets terminate this for good right now. Chances or her wanting to meet up with me again are low

    ive never dated someone for so long and not slept with them, if its going to happen it normally happens by the second date for me. Sex didn't happen, for whatever reason, even with cialis. The thing is that even without sex, as i got to know her, i just really really liked her personality and affection, even without any sex - and got on together so well. Ive never felt like i got one with a girls so well. From what she said it was the same with her (if she was being truthful) Its disappointing because it started so well with her being so keen and that tailed off. Im ok with it now think ive made peace with it now, shes made her decision to back off and end stuff and there is nothing i can do but move on. Its just a bit sad when something with so much potential doesn't work out. Cant quite explain how i feel about it, cant put it into words. I believe she is a genuinely good and lovely person. hopefully i have learnt some lessons

    looking at escort websites today, may visit one in the coming weeks but i feel commited to no M, and for me P has gone for good (i hope)

    got my phillps bodygroomer today, it shaves stomache hair very well. using a razor has given me irritation. Im looking pretty good without a shirt on to be honest.
     
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2017
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  7. Londoner

    Londoner Active Member

    Sorry to hear about your mood, but crying can often help. Good that your work gives you an easy route to meeting new girls all the time though.
     
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  8. cjm

    cjm Active Member

    Day 111/0

    So much for having the no m sorted. I guess it's cheaper than a prostitute though:) I m'd 3 times in the end, just beating away the anxiety. Feel like I absolutely have the no p down which is great but I'd like to limit m to once a month at most rather than once a week (or several times in a day once a week) as today

    It's really difficult not to. I just get horny sometimes too.

    Well I couldn't have asked for a lot more from myself in terms of productivity the last 2 days. I was out of bed by 10 today and did more repairs and tidying the flat.

    Then I did some production. Scrapped the last idea and started a new one. This time referencing a professional track from the start. This means through I ended up copying some ideas- but thats quite normal with artistic stuff and especially with this sort of music it's better that it measures up well, rather than being something completley original. Then I did piano practise and went to work. At 10.30 pm I got in the gym at work and had a good hard work out. Lots of aggression.

    So I have no women in my life, but this means I also don't have any worries at the moment. Maybe that's a good thing for now. Perhaps next time if I start to get worried again, which is never a good sign, I'll try backing off and letting them come to me

    Akzo mediated today. I've been meditating on and off for over 10 Years but have always struggled with making it a daily routine, much more than other disciplines such as piano or eating well or excercise

    Onwards and upwards. I don't know how to m less. I can try harder but trying and doing are too seperate things
     
  9. Fry2

    Fry2 Active Member

    There's probably nothing wrong with an occasional healthy m, I'd say. I wouldn't worry too much about that, just stay away from the P - and keep on improving your life. Really great to read about all the constructive stuff you're doing.
     
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  10. cjm

    cjm Active Member

    day 112/1

    resisted the urge to m

    did some stuff around the flat and did some production work. got disheartened and had to give up. Music is a tough mistress. Im falling a long way short of the mark at the moment.

    well my life is certainly a lot more stable without F in it, but its also definitely lacking something and seems a little dull. Women, huh? :(
     
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2017
  11. Fry2

    Fry2 Active Member

    You miss the female energy mate. Of course we need women (female energy) in our lifes! The way of the superior man doesn't say: "live without a woman" but says master living with YOUR woman (or live like a monk, if that is what to prefer) :)

    It's absolutely OK to want a woman and to work to get one. It just shouldn't be your over the top priority. Also the relationship shouldn't be your highest priority: First comes your mission, then your relationship (and your kids, if you have kids), then everything else. But both aspects are absolutely fundamental, so we shouldn't fool ourselves into the notion we could be happy longterm without female energy in our lifes.
     
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  12. cjm

    cjm Active Member

    Word, homie :)
     
  13. clean

    clean Active Member

    I will say I dont agree with this 'relax and let her decide' way od doing things. If she wants to go out you will go out? If she texts you will text back? If she wants to fuck you will fuck her? This is a two fold problem as I see it. First it is a huge turn off. Women need to feel protected and this signals you are not having your own agenda and power so that equals you being too weak to protect. Also it makes you give your power away as you sit and wait and receive. That is not a male trait. I think she would find it very sexy and attractive if you had the guts to say what you want and stick with it. You decide when and if you text, go out and fuck and she should be the one adjusting to what you want not the other way around. If she doesnt like it then it is goodbye. Plenty of fish in the sea mate. This is not being a jerk but being a leader that says 'Im headed this way'. Id rather have a firefighter who just makes a desicion instead of asking me while my house is on fire 'hey mate if you want ill put the fire out for ypu but if you dont wanna ill let it burn'. This male energy determination is so attractive both for females and any male friends. Females would like to marry such a guy and males to have him as a friend.
     
  14. cjm

    cjm Active Member

    day 115/4

    great few days, although ive been a bit under the wheather so missed gym yesterday, meaning that i missed my weekly target by one gym session, again. As i suffered from chronic fatigue syndrome for a number of years I have to take it easy sometimes and listien to my body, to prevent a relapse, although naturally i just want to power through, i know that its not good for me in the long run

    so just after i wrote my last entry i got a text from F saying she missed me and could we go for a drink. I ended up going round for dinner last night and stayed over, had sex. It was brilliant. I'd been having some spontaneous erections earlier in the day just by thinking of her, so was feeling more confident - but took some cialis just in case. Even used a condom.

    I think i got the idea of that she was a bit out of shape from her really, but we had the lights on yesterday and she is genuinely sexy and beautiful and i love her body. I really enjoyed myself. Not much better in this world than being inside a gorgeous women and her saying "fuck me". She smelt great and felt great. wow

    I think that just goes to show the power of letting someone you like go, and giving them the space to come to you.

    Also i went speed dating the other night with my mate, and got 2 yes matches, with both the girls i liked on the night. One was extremely sexy, i just felt drawn to her, and i was not expecting it so very nice
    surprise

    Also i was chatting to the receptionist at the gym and she is coming speed dating with me tonight as i am working, shes a great girl and we might have a drink after

    So F is an amazing girl, shes pretty much my ideal physically and personality wise . I hope it works out - but in the meantime im keeping my options open, because i will act better if i do that and hopefully not get so anxious and invested in the outcome like before. I need to give her the space to come to me :)
     
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2017
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  15. cjm

    cjm Active Member

    ok mister expert :) I think it probably depends on the girl, but one thing i know from my experience - a lot of these modern "independent" type women with busy social lives and lots of social commitments dont like being put under too much pressure. If you want to see them too much or make them feel like you "need them" it can get too much for them. IMO better to let them come to you in this case. Thats one thing i agree with CCW. Its not about not being masculine - i agree thats important and its important to lead in some ways, it just about letting them do some of the chasing and letting them know that you can live without them

    I suppose on the whole i subscribe to the "women are like cats" mentality, so can be gently encouraged and coerced, but not forced. I have tried being more forceful and perhaps, domineering - but thats never really worked for me personally (except in bed of course!)

    I guess what it comes down to is what works, although what works for me may be different to what works for you @clean. I would define what works for what gives the best results with the least amount of stress/anxiety that will affect other areas of my life :)

    also your firefighter reference sounds a bit ridiculous. What are you hoping to illustrate with that point? I assume you know that thats my profession from reading my journal?
     
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2017
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  16. clean

    clean Active Member

    No need to get upset mate. But its cool as it is raw male energy ;) Try this with that girl in a nice mannered way its much better than letting her decide if she wants to fuck you or not.

    And no Im not an expert otherwise I would not be on this website. Nice raw connection of males here cheers mate
     
  17. Fry2

    Fry2 Active Member

    This sound just amazing... Congratulations! :)
     
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  18. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Hey cjm, congrats on the sex man! I think you went past that point a bit too quickly in your post :) I mean, the ED problem was your reason to come here, right? And you spent only one sentence on the fact that your sex was great, comon give us some more stories :) So there was no ED problem whatsoever, no more anxiety that you used to have with her? Any alcohol used to prevent the anxiety? Also, do you think you could do with less/no cialis next time? What vibe was F giving off afterwards, do you think she'll be in contact again soon?

    Also great job on moving onward with the speeddate. I think it puts you in a great position to lead an awesome life and let women have their taste of you until one rolls along that wants the whole cjm-cake, all the time ;)
     
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  19. cjm

    cjm Active Member

    @Thebeg thanks dude. There were no ED issues, i felt comfortable and connected, i think getting over my "shyness" and having the lights on was really helpful as i could see whats was going on, and it was more stimulating, and it allowed me to see how sexy she is. Also having solid Erections earlier in the day helped. Also knowing that there is nothing physically wrong with the little man, after the test results came back normal, really helped too

    the sex was really good, lasted about half an hour and i would have kept on going but she kept saying she wanted me to cum. She nearly did, and was shaking quite a lot in a way girls sometimes do just before they climax, but not quite. I think she is one of the girls that doesn't cum easily, but it often takes a while to figure out how to make a specific girl climax in my experience, although some do first time. I think she is quite conditioned to her vibrator after not having sex for around 2 years, but that fact in itself makes me feel a bit special as it would be very easy for her to get sex if she wanted it!

    Ive been walking around in a daze today, and haven't got anything done. the girl from the gym says she wants to go for a drink after speed dating lol :)

    there was lots of kissing and staring into each others eyes during, lots of cuddling after. She asked me if i was busy on sat, but im working - so she mentioned a couple of days next week. I said she should let me know when she is free to get together again

    Id happily slap the "girlfriend" label on things and introduce her to my parents etc, but i know from the last chat that we had that i need to go slow with that sort of stuff, so ill just keep my options open and try not to get too hung up on her for now. I really want to avoid being in that anxious place that i was a week or two ago. I feel good about things now and i hope that they can stay that way. So strictly no M for me now

    re Cialis i need to lower the dosage as i had quite a bad headache after, but defintiley not ready to give it up completely
     
  20. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Awesome news dude, really happy for you!
     
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