Journal Before I Move Out

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by LucidKnight, Aug 15, 2016.

  1. LucidKnight

    LucidKnight New Member

    Hey hopefully this will be my journal and it will allow me to be more serious about my recovery.

    I have been looking at nofap/porn-free for about two years now and the longest I have went was 30 days which was ruined by the 'hangover the next morning' session.
    I am 19 and will be moving out in September to a student area with my bro and a few other guys and there is meant to be a lot of party's and girls etc. I haven't drank since the start of may to help with my progress and I don't plan on drinking when I am there because of them hangover sessions, however, I do plan on going out a lot more. I got facebook back yesterday as well as tinder (deleted both since christmas and have been living like a hermit since) so I want to start socialising more now. I hope that it doesn't set off any triggers because as soon as I opened facebook yesterday, I seen like 3 or 4 girls posting bekini pics from being on holiday. That may have set me off today so if I can't get back on track then I will stop using them again.

    The main reason why I think I 'relapsed' (calling it a relapse because it was three times and not just the once... feeling the pains) today was because I was on my bros pc. I turned off my pc and unplugged it at the start of may so I havent really been in that isolated space and that just triggered me. I have bought a laptop and I am waiting for it to arrive but I plan on using it in the new house when I am in the sitting room or sitting with someone else etc. After my 'relapse' I decided to 'punish' myself by going for a run and doing the weights lol.

    Through out this journal I want to keep wee updates where I can write down tips to myself and maybe get some support back. I plan on writing under subtitles I suppose (seen in a different journal) under 'Mood', 'Social', 'Urges', 'Training', and 'General' (maybe not in that order).
  2. LucidKnight

    LucidKnight New Member

    I guess this counts as day 0.

    I am off work today so its been a boring day. I went out for a run this morning and when I got home, I decided to do an extra 1K. I got a month of World of Warcraft last week so decided to go on the old characters to see what the craic was. I haven't done anything productive today apart from fitness stuff.

    I haven't socialised today with anyone in person. The main socialising I do is in work which is in a large supermarket. I will be working from tomorrow til Sunday so I won't be sitting in the house alone everyday.

    Everything today seemed to be fine. Since I went off for a run this morning, I was in a great mood. However, since I relapsed, I have felt ashamed. I am annoyed at myself for doing it, especially three times. Just looking forward to get to bed and let the day be over and start over tomorrow with day 1.

    I went for a run today along the beach. It is only about a mile and a half in total but I am trying to do a "Running Streak" meaning I run at least a mile everyday. When I got back, i was almost getting some urges so I went around the block which comes to 1Km. Later after my 'relapse', I went for a run along the beach again. Since it was basically straight after the third time, I could feel my legs almost numb and had barely any energy.
    I decided to do Stronglifts 5x5 as I haven't done weights in a while. I have all that I need for SL 5x5 (Barbell + weights + cage thingie) so as a warm up, I went for another run. Instead of the accessory exercises after the weights, I went for a run around the block.
    By the way during these runs, there is a lot of walking. I am noticably getting better each day but I am nor was I a runner.

    Since the 'relapse', the urges have been quite strong. The voice in my head keeps saying 'Just go on 4chan, its only pics and short vids', 'Just search it on reddit, you have already wanked 3 times today, a fourth won't make a difference'.
    It is annoying me so much that its almost making me give in. To try and get rid of them, I am just going to get a cold shower and then maybe read or was some Arrow. Sitting at this computer is not helping me what so ever. Its loads of different factors, like the heat in the room, the warm/dirty/sweaty feeling in my hand from the mouse thats similar to after wanking. Turning off the pc will deffo help me.

    Tomorrow I will hopefully check in. I will probably end up doing it from my phone so I dont know how it will look or turn out, but here is to day 0 guys :D
  3. LucidKnight

    LucidKnight New Member

    Hey guys day 1 here.

    Today wasn't too bad. Was working today though it was only 6-10. I didn't do much other than that to be honest. I'm sitting here with my bro and a couple guys and we just had dominos watching South park. I'm filling this in because I'm heading to bed due to working tomorrow 10-6. Dominos used to be a trigger to me because I'd eat it after smoking weed and then masturbating when I had then 'too full' feeling. I didn't go for the meal for 4 and only got a medium so I'm alright haha

    There wasn't many urges today tbh though there were some moments where I near went into some fantasising which wouldn't have been good. The first time I was on a jog and then along the beach I seen a girl in a bikini top. I didn't have my contacts in so it wasn't too bad being blind but the thoughts were still there. There were a couple others in work when there were a couple of girls wearing really short shorts which were quite revealing. I kind of just tried to look away and stop the thoughts

    Today I went for a run along the beach keeping up with the running streak. I think it's only like day 4/5 anyway but I remember before how it felt great doing it. I did some squats and deadlifting after the run but since I was sore from yesterday then I was not able to do too much.

    The mood today was alright. At work I felt a bit quiet but once I gathered my bearings I was grand. I had a smile on my face most of the time.

    The only socialising I did really was in work today. It was alright cause the person I was with I am getting closer with. She's cool but she has a boyfriend. I think that's why we're getting closer cause I don't have to worry about liking her in that way or anything sexually. I hope that makes sense.

    It's much shorter this time because it's on the phone and I'm still in the room with the others watching tv. But had to get this in before midnight :p
  4. szogun030

    szogun030 Member

    great job, fight for better future :))
  5. LucidKnight

    LucidKnight New Member

    I fuuuuuuuucked up... I went on my bros PC and relapsed. It was only the one time. This is an obvious sign that the pc is still a major trigger. I didn't even get much done(Like play any games before hand). I will still go through my subtitles and begin again.
    This means I am back to day 0 :-\

    Today was actually a good day. I fasted for 19 hours (to make up for that pizza last night) which just meant no breakfast before work and during my breaks, just get plenty of water. I did however wake up with the pizza hangover even though I only got a medium (trigger??) which could have set me off today. In work it was great to be honest, I felt on top of my game regardless of the pizza hangover.

    Ill get this one out of the way. I did nothing that regards fitness. The only 'fitness' i got was being on my feet all day in work. I do believe this could be part of what triggered me. Since I stayed up a wee bit later last night and had to be in work for 10, I didnt have time to go for my run in the morning (which meant no anchor for the day). I will however, get back on track tomorrow and do extra. I will try to get to the boxing gym in the morning when no one is there and do some training as I am working tomorrow night.

    Like I said, I felt on top of my game. I was smiling the whole day (8 hour shift dealing with customers that are generally annoyed at the self service machines and take it out on me? no sweat ;D ). I was able to talk to girls that I was attracted too and they even talked back which kept me happy. It is only now that I have relapsed that it has bothered me. I am not going to let that keep me down because like I said before, I want to be able to socialise more so I will be heading down to the bar for a pub quizz (I wont be drinking) with my bro and a couple guys.

    Like I said before, I was able to talk to girls that I was attracted too. I would just generally try and start a conversation with some a lot of the customers although I know the words weren't coming out of my mouth as smoothly as they were before on my longest streak, or that the words weren't popping into my head as quickly as on my longest streak, however, I was still able to do it. This is a good sign and since I never documented it before, I never actually realised the progress I've made. Like I also said, I will be heading down to the pub quizz so my socialising isn't over for now.

    As I have already stated, I relapsed today. This meant that I had urges (obviously). However, I still give in to the urges. The urges only really came when I went on the computer. Before I went on the computer, I had no thoughts of PMO but as soon as I got here, it just overtook me. When I get my laptop, I will only use it when I am in the main room or in my bros room while he is on his PC.

    Just because I relapsed today, doesn't mean shit. I will just carry on and keep making progress even if it is only slight progress.
  6. LucidKnight

    LucidKnight New Member

    A wee update on last night. I guess i can say that things didnt go as planned and depending on what you think is more important for recovery. In general the fitness is more important to me. When I am exercising, I am generally more happy regardless of superpowers etc. Last night I didn't go out to the pub quizz. I was dressed and ready for 10pm. My dad was meant to come pick me up at 10 so when I phonef him, he hadn't even left. He was actually down at the quizz with his girlfriend (he doesn't drink incqse anyone thinking about drink/driving). A voice in my head said just leave it, probably better off without going down. now that I think about it, I probably would have ended up getting a triple burger and a large chip if I had off went down.

    Here is where things get interrsting. Now that I had decided to stay in, I didn't know what to do. I knew if I went on the PC then I might just say 'fuck it' and PMO and because I was still wide awake (had a cold shower when getting ready), I wasn't too convinced to go to bed. This is when I remembered about not doing any training. I thought I could run the beach route (well along the road beside it so I could stay in the lights) and then do the weights so I got changed and went for the run.

    I did not run the normal mile and a half. When I got to the turning point, there were people there. They didnt look threatening but the fact they were there... i just kept running. I also realised how nice the run was. Usually Id be wearing a big hoodie if I went for a run and the sun could be beaming down but this time was different. I just wore a thin Tshirt so I was able to feel the nightly breeze. I was running a lot more than I normally would and it felt great. I decided to keep going. I ran to the pier that I would run to for a warmup for the boxing. By the time I had gotten here, it was at least 6km. I was over the moon with this and just didn't want to stop. I ran to these sets of steps that I've ran up for boxing and decided to do some laps on these. I think I did 4 laps but my legs were numb at this point. I still had to make my way home so I took the shorter route which could have easily knocked off 1km. This was the most I've ever ran (still includes lots of walking but no where near the amount I would have imagined).

    I texted my dad a picture of the steps saying to come down for a couple laps and he replied 'good lad be the Man U can be' which was quite motivating for me so I started throwing loads of punches at the top of the steps. When I got home I was exhausted but an urge popped into my head and I was like 'shitttt oneeee you gotta do another lap around the block'. This time when I got back I just lay there on the ground while my cat was trying to get comfy on me but before I could sleep I needed to hydrate and get a shower.

    Last night I really enjoyed and I hope there's more like that. I'll be joining a 24/7 gym when I move out with the guys so that should be grand.

    Ps szogun030 thanks for the encouragement!
  7. LucidKnight

    LucidKnight New Member

    (Yesterday I didn't get to make a post. The chaser effect has made its impact. Both last night and this morning... I will make a post about yesterday anyway

    Everything seemed to have been fine. I was working a short shift last night (6-10). After that run the other night, I slept like a baby. I had this dream where I was having sex with a girl from work. It was weird but usually if I were to dream about doing something with a girl, I would have PIED in the dream however, this time was different. I think it may have been from the run and having no worries after it. Work was grand as well.

    As I have stated before, most of the socialising I do is at work. I was able to go up to a few customers (attractive girls my age) and start a short conversation with them. I actually ended up going to a bar with my bro and a couple guys. I was only drinking water but I still seemed to chat away. It used to feel when I went out, while drinking, that I would spend a lot of time trying to drink so I would have the confidence to talk away, even to the guys I knew. We went to get food after and I started talking to these two girls in the place. The one I was interested looked so much like 'my first love' (didn't even go out with the first love pfft) so I was really interested in her. When I got home I had to look her up on fb because I couldn't sleep thinking about her but turns out she has a boyfriend so dropped them thoughts straight away haha

    I went for a run yesterday before work. I ran half the amount I did the other night although I was exhausted from it. I started getting light headed and dehydrated and had to call my dad to pick me up lol. It still felt really good.

    Throughout the day, I didn't really have any urges to PMO. It was results day so there were a lot of girls going out and I really wanted to go out so throughout the day I was just thinking of real girls. I was getting way to excited though which I don't know if that was a bad thing or not. When I got home, I was stuffed because I went and got a big burger. I reckon this is what lead me to relapse last night. I really need to stop eating fast food or even just getting as much. The place I will be moving too is close to like a strip with a lot of food places so that could be dangerous. I have been fat before and I do not want to have that experience again.

    My mood was generally alright. Like I said, I was way to excited about the girls all being out but because of that I was generally happy the whole time. The energy kept me going.

    Due to a relapse this morning, both yesterday and today count as day 0 (more on that in the next post I guess hopefully after work)
  8. LucidKnight

    LucidKnight New Member

    Today wasn't too bad. Straight after I made the last post about yesterday, I relapsed. I had just got the new laptop and I started to look up 4k images for a new background and before I knew it I was looking at 4k nsfw pics. This was before work so I felt its effects throughout work.

    Throughout work, I started to get better. I was getting less brain fog throughout the shift. I didn't really do too much. I went into work this morning and got extra shifts. This week coming, I was only rota'd for 5 hours, whereas now I am in for 25. Trying to get as many hours as I can before I move out. I hurt my back doing the weights. It is quite annoying because just the slightest movements hurts. Its a good thing I stopped as soon as I thought something was wrong because at the time, it didn't seem like much of a problem.

    Today wasn't really the best nor the worst. I kind of just zombied through apart from when the brain fog started to lift. That's when things started to get better. My customer crush came in (she's a customer I just tend to go talk too, she is very attractive and usually receptive when I approach her) but the words weren't flowing due to the brain fog so that kind of disappointed me.

    As I said before I hurt my back. before I did the weights, I went for a run. each time I run I am definitely making progress. This was even after relapsing so I can only imagine what it would be like after even a couple of weeks.

    I relapsed twice today. First this morning then later on in the day. They weren't even major urges. They were like them times where you just go for it. You don't think too much about it and it happens. I need to be more conscious to get through it.
  9. LucidKnight

    LucidKnight New Member

    The last couple of days weren't the best tbh. I am not sure why but I have relapsed each day once/twice. In work I was still able to talk away to random girls but I think the fact that I work there allows me to do it easier because they just see an employee wanting a chat rather than a complete randomer. Even still this is still good practice. I have been doing the yoga the last couple of days and obviously just two days is not going to make a difference, however, I do feel a lot better knowing that I am doing it. My back is also still quite sore from when I hurt my back doing the weights and simple stretches is helping.

    I am still running each day which is reassuring because I think doing the running each day will also give similar effects of the 'superpowers'. I want more though so both effects joined together will be amazing lol.

    One thing that pops into my head when I am PMO'ing/edging is 'How do I expect to get girls like this in real life if I am doing this' (fyi I have mainly been having urges to look at nsfw teens around my age. Even just girls dressed for a night out etc etc). I was having urges there but before I could look at any images, I decided to go on to this and make an update. I have a festival to go to next week so I don't want to be going with a foggy mind.

    Tomorrow will be day 1 and I will try to do updates like before.
  10. LucidKnight

    LucidKnight New Member







  11. LucidKnight

    LucidKnight New Member

    So walked into the kitchen after making that last post and the first thing my sister says to me is 'Why do you look so shit'.............. just reinforcing me being more strict to the rules. Because of the pizza I am going to fast today . Kind of let it be like a detox. I will wait til tomorrow morning to eat which means as soon as I get back from work I need to go straight to bed.
  12. LucidKnight

    LucidKnight New Member

    So its been 7 days since my last post. I have probably lost count in the number of times I relapsed. The last 24 hours there was probably at least 5. I am also feeling quite sick atm so the fuzzy head is even worse because it is also splitting in pain. I have went out 3 times in the last week and although I haven't drank, I have been eating abnormal amounts of shitty food after. All that setting rules probably had a counter effect especially since I did it straight after relapsing so I forgot about it. So the big things that happened was that a girl added me on fb. She said that we were talking while I was working and that she thought I was cool and we ended up going on a date. I didn't get that spark but it was still nice. I realised that when I got fb back, I ended up making a lot more bad decisions. Before hand I was able to go a week at least without PMO and maybe the odd relapse. But now I've been going out eating a tonne off shitty food and PMO multiple times a day. I would not say this is directly because of fb but I would attribute it to the later nights of staring at my phone before I go to sleep instead off staying away from artificial lights and getting early nights. Yesterday a guy messaged the guy I was working with asking for my name so that his wife's friend could creep me on fb so I don't know how I feel about that. I was flattered at the time but also a bit worried as well.

    So I went that that big concert last week. It was good. I 'pulled' (snogged) 3 different girls, 2 at the concert and 1 at the club after. It give me a major confidence boost at the time but with the shitload of fast food after the club, I ended up relapsing that night and the next morning a few times. I am not going to go out for a bit tbh. I want to concentrate on lucid dreams again so I need to be able to get proper sleep each night and start recalling my dreams.
  13. jk7

    jk7 not doing PMO is actually simple,but recovery from

    another fine warrior and just same age like me haha :D
    Here's a Pro tip for you
    -Every second you fighting this addiction is a victory
    -if you can control the urges let say,when the urge you to go to "that mode" .Crush every cue or trigger for making you urge like hot chick in facebook etc. if you do this IS ALSO A VICTORY FOR YOU.
    -good mindset like "if is unreal or pixel NO DEAL" . it means that you won't waste your time with unreal or pixel girl
    Anyways,Fighting this addiction require lots of hardwork and dedication. Of course a good comrade is also good to have :)
    Stay Strong!
  14. LucidKnight

    LucidKnight New Member

    Thanks jk7 every second is a victory! Some more than others obviously lol

    Even though yesterday I was feeling awful from whatever bug I caught, I still went to work. While at work I properly physically felt sick to the point where I barely felt that I could stand or walk about. Even though I felt this bad, it still went okay. A customer actually went up to the customer service and left a compliment for me saying I was such a lovely guy and had brilliant customer service lol. Today was good at work as well. I was able to keep happy throughout the shift. I was talking to the woman I was on with about how I used to smoke weed and drink from when I was 13 and that doing stupid shit like that made me miss out on my adolescence due to not remembering any off it (my words not hers) and she said that she would never have thought I went through any of that because of how happy and optimistic I was. This made me wander what people think of me on first impressions.

    I do feel really optimistic now. Without fb I can see myself getting early nights again and proper sleep patterns. Tomorrow morning I will try to write down my dream and start a dream journal. I might record some of the dreams here so it'll show people how the more you record your dreams, the more you will remember no matter how little you start off remembering.
  15. Loner_Wolf

    Loner_Wolf Guest

    hey i have pmo addiction do you any tips? dude because i haven't watch porno but think sexual though

    over girls
  16. LucidKnight

    LucidKnight New Member

    yeah Loner_Wolf. I know this all may seem hypercritical due to the rest of the posts but its easy to know something and not put it into practice if that makes sense. During my best streaks it always seemed quite easy tbh. This was always when I was putting things into practice for a week or two before hand and then the habits eventually kicked in. Alcohol is a massive trigger. I don't know what age you are but anyone who goes out drinking can admit how easy it is to go home drunk and have that 'Fuck it' attitude and go straight to PMO. The next morning is even harder because you're hungover and just don't give a shit lol.
    Cold showers at least twice a day. Whether this is after a warm shower to wash or straight into the cold shower it doesn't matter. If you can get to the point where your penis is tiny all day and flatlined, and you know this is a natural reaction then learn to love that feeling. The no libido is an awesome feeling because you get to do so much. I started yoga everyday during my month streak while doing the weights and boxing training and never felt tired. It was only ruined by the fact I went out drinking and when I was really hungover I give in.
    You will probably see a lot of people talk about the importance of training. It really is important because if you are able to train each day to the point you are exhausted at night time, you won't be thinking about girls. The longer you hold off from PMO then the better you will recover as well. You will also gain so many perks from training all the time and a new found confidence. A lot of the benefits are very similar to holding off from PMO.
    I reckon the whole no social media idea is great because staring at your phone for ages can only lead to one thing. I got it back as stated in previous posts and it just got really bad for me. I may as well have started smoking weed all day everyday again and being numbed to the feelings. I also cut back on games something shocking. I did get WoW back but I don't think Ill be buying a second month. Staring at the computer screen all day can only lead to one thing.
    I read this thing one time where if you start to fantasise or visualise something, image a big red circle with a line through it over the image and say firmly NO. This did work for me and the longer I did, the better I got at it.
    Try to concentrate on other goals tbh but know that no PMO etc will boost you to them goals. Like taking protein shakes. You need the protein to build muscle but you won't build any without doing the actual exercises.
  17. LucidKnight

    LucidKnight New Member

    So I get the keys to the house on Monday. I won't be starting college until the following Monday so I don't know exactly when I will be moving in but I think I might stay there this Monday. I am trying to get as many hours as possible at work before college starts. I do reckon it will be a lot easier up there to stay away from PMO as I will have more freedom to do things like meet people during the day etc. I wont have to worry about when the next train is or when I have to be home for dinner etc. I will be able to do things on my on schedule to my own liking. I don't think I will fall into the party trap that easily even though there will be a lot of temptations. I am hoping to join a rugby team to keep me on track but I don't know how to start if that makes sense. Its easy to say to myself 'When I move up I will do this and that' but the closer it comes to the time the more overwhelming it seems. I don't know if any of that makes sense, I just wanted to get it off my chest.
  18. LucidKnight

    LucidKnight New Member

    I remembered about another major factor I felt contributed to any success I had. Staying properly hydrated. Srinking water all the time helped so much stay away from urges not only for PMO but for fast food etc.

    I actually got a girls number today at work. When I finished, I was looking for food to buy. This girl came in that I've tried talking too a couple of times and she was looking for food too. We started talking for a bit and then when she was leaving I said if shes ever about near where I'm getting the house to give me a text but then remembered she didn't have my number. She said she might have me on fb (appearntly we knew eachother before from the train station where all the schools used to meet in a way lol) but I said I didn't have fb so she came back to take my number. It was funny after because after she left the guys I was working with all started cheering and laughing it was funny lol.

    I am thinking of asking her to go to the cinema tomorrow to see that sausage party movie because it looks brilliant and why not hahaha.

    Tbh without fb, I have also noticed a huge difference. I don't have that brain fog I was getting in the morning from staring at my phone. My toliet breaks are a lot shorter ;). I already care less about people and whatever wee network they have with their friends.

    I am going to try to record my dream again tomorrow morning. I recorded a bit this morning and it was really weird. A rough breakdown was that there were pegions in a rabit cage out the back off my house and they started attacking my sister. I told my sister to be assertive and show them whos boss to make them back down. Then I went over to them and they turned into two guys. (I know a lot off people can't throw punches in their dreams but when I've been training for a bit then I can throw the best punches ever in my dreams its amazing) I was able to fight them both off even though I was in a really disadvantage position.
  19. LucidKnight

    LucidKnight New Member

    So last night one of my dreams was a sex dream. In the dream I was not able to get a full hard on which I think is a sign but it still felt good. It had nothing to do with any videos I've ever watched because I was telling the girl to go slow and feeling every second of it. The dream didn't last to long so I didn't finish or anything in the dream but still a first.
  20. LucidKnight

    LucidKnight New Member

    I actually typed a lot out earlier on my phone but it deletes :(

    I got the keys to the house yesterday and stayed up at the house. I'm on day 3 so I'm feeling the chaser effect but that wasn't what bothered me the most yesterday. The guy that stayed in the house with me smokes weed and because off the whole stigma of the 'first night', I was nearly going to smoke it. I had actually decided that 'fuck it, I'll smoke and drink tonight' before the train but changed my mind by the time I had gotten off the train.

    There's this guy who comes into work and basically harasses all off the women. He's an old man and he never goes too far. All he really does is 'so when Am I picking you up for dinner tonight' and simple things like that. He has got to the station at the same time I did and thought 'fs hope he doesn't see me'. I know that's harsh but that's the reality of it. I usually play along with what he says too me and joke about with him anyway but I suppose I just wanted to listen to music. When I got on the train he was going by and seen me and sat across from me so we could talk.

    I obviously took out my earphones because I'm not going to say fuck off to the dude and started to talk away with him. The thing is when we were talking, I started to notice a lot of similarities from him and a guy that's in work that has something wrong with him. The more I noticed this, the more realised his actions etc.

    I also realised that if I were to go back to when I was drinking and smoking every chance I got, I would have been way too high to speak to him. It may not be that big off a deal having a conversation with him because I was going to my new house with a guy I've known for years and would be one off my good friends, but too him, I was probably the last person he was going to speak too for the day. He was going to go home and be alone. So the difference I could have made of being someone he recognised and wanted to talk to and me accepting his conversation or me rejecting it could have had a huge impact on him.

    This really kept my mind clear for the night (except for the large take away pizza) and I was able to sit with my friend and his bro while them too toked and we all played Fifa. It's given me a new found confidence because I was worried about falling into my old ways of smoking weed again and drinking a lot.

    Here's to a brighter future :D

    Ps can I just add I've had 5 cold showers in the last two days haha I'm not even using the hot water. The weather has been so warm and clamy it's almost disgusting especially since I'm not used too it and it's making me all sweaty. Anytime I've been to the toilet though I've noticed my penis feels a lot more fuller than it's ever done. I don't know if this is due to the weather but I'm putting it down to the cold showers and the blood flow. The morning wood I had (first one in a while) was very nice ;)
    There's been no internet in the house yet so I was able to just get straight in the shower when I woke up.

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