Is there a way out of this mess? Hello everyone. I'm 31 and I think I have let PMO brainwash me and fuck up my life real good. I've reached a point where I can't think clearly and I'm causing damage to other people as well. I'm hoping NoFAP will help me clear up the mess. This is my journal. It starts at the very beginning and it has a lot of detail. It's so detailed because I think all this information is relevant and it will help me solve some of my life's problems. I also want to get it out of my chest. I know it will show the world what a weak fucking dick I am but I'm hoping it will help me fix things and reduce the damage I've done to myself and others. AGE 11-17: FIRST DISCOVERIES I vividly remember my first orgasm. I had no idea what I was doing but I felt like rubbing my dick. After a lot of rubbing, I started shaking uncontrollably while waves of pleasure were radiating all over my body. What the fuck was that!? No fluid came out but that was the most intense feeling I ever had. I kept doing this with no other "helping aids" for some time. Then I discovered my older brother's VHS stash and then I gradually moved from painfully slow loading photos and 1MB videos to broadband full 1080p videos. Up to the age of 17 I think I was masturbating on average about once a day. AGE 17-23: ME, HER, MY PALM, AND OTHERS I wasn't an ugly looking kid and I've had several relationships. My first serious one started at 17 and it lasted for 6 years, the last 3 of which were long distance. We were having sex regularly but I'd also masturbate at the same time and I remember that it wasn't an issue back then. It did feel like two completely separate things though. It was a different release. And I had to have both. Five years in (already 2 years in long distance), I got drunk and I had a stupid and meaningless one-night stand. I felt extremely bad so I called and told her. Surprisingly, she forgave me after a couple of days and we moved on like nothing happened. A few months later I found out that she was cheating on me for more than a year! I guess long distance does that. I've learned some lessons from that (but not all). AGE 23-26: THE DARK AGES After the awful break up and disappointment, I avoided making new relationships. I tried a few times but I would feel asphyxiated and I would end the relationship after a couple of weeks. I was fully depressed for the first year. Porn kept me good company though and I'd also smoke pot which made the orgasm more intense for me. Every night was a ritual I was looking forward to: smoke pot, jerk off, sleep. Pot is a trigger which, up to this day, I haven't been able to escape from. It always leads to PMO. I've quit smoking though and I never buy pot for myself anymore because when I have pot, I'll smoke it and I'll jerk off before bed. Now the only issue is when I can't say no when a joint is passed to me. I'll smoke it and try to stay high enough so I can go back home and jerk off. AGE 26: HOOKED At 26, a friend introduced me to hookers. I was still single and I'd never paid for sex before but it seemed like a good idea at the time because I was in no mood to start a new relationship. At first I liked it because I could be intimate with a woman and it'd been a while since I did. But it wasn't what I expected. It was fake. And cold. And I couldn't perform. Not even with hookers. Anytime a hooker would give me the fake "Porn Star" experience I'd go soft and leave. The same happened with hookers of the completely opposite "I hate it but I have to do this for money" style. Yet, when I watched women behaving like that on porn I'd get turned on. But when I'd actually experience it in reality, I'd feel like crap. (Note: I mean turned on by hard core porn stars, not by women being unwillingly fucked - that really turns me off both on the screen and in reality). There was some kind of an exception though. And this is at the core of my brainwashed, conditioned by porn brain. After a while I discovered some hookers that were willing to accept cumshots in the mouth. Most of them while wearing condoms and some others without! And this is my main porn fetish. I've had almost 95% of my orgasms up to this day while watching cumshots in the mouth or on the face (especially that). I'm obsessed about this. And it turns me on in seconds. Suddenly, the hookers opened up a whole new can of worms. I was able to actually do something the porn guys did and I didn't care about whether the hooker was cold, warm or whatever. As long as she was going to take it in the mouth or the face at the end, I was on autopilot and super excited. BUT, it never felt as good as I thought. It felt like shit. Like I was tricked. I was doing exactly what I was obsessed about but it was shit! I don't know. But in a way, I'm glad I felt like that with hookers. It made me feel that somewhere inside there was "goodness" and "kindness" and less "evil". I know it was porn that was driving me there, because I wanted to do what the guys in porn movies did. But I didn't enjoy it. It felt like shit. And then... AGE 27-31: OUT OF CONTROL I met a girl. Not as beautiful as my first girlfriend but way more active, intelligent and a much, much better person. And a new relationship began. Long distance again. Because that was the only way. If it wasn't long distance, it'd be another relationship that would asphyxiate me and I'd end it a couple of weeks later. I'm not sure how to explain it but I didn't want to be in a relationship. I knew it was healthy though and I wanted to want to be in one. So I thought this long distance thing might work. And it did. Four years have passed and we're still together. We'd see each other for a few days every 30-40 days and while I'd be glad to see her at first, after a few days I'd want her to leave so I could go back to my private life. And that's what happened. However, my luxury of a private life, which was what kept this relationship together, was also feeding my obsession. And obviously the porn watching, masturbating and even the hooker-going didn't stop completely. For the past 4 years, every time I jerked off and every time I went to a hooker I felt ten times worse than I did before. And that's normal because it's really awful to my girlfriend. She has no idea. I tried to stop it but I can't. I did minimize it a lot though, especially the hooker going (from 20 times in 2009 to 3 times in 2012). I know I am awful and I should have broken up with her a long time ago. Maybe I shouldn't have even started this relationship at all. But I am weak and I am scared and she's the only positive and real part of my life. She's what pulls me back to reality. And I keep cheating on her. What a fucking dick! I guess the hookers make it a lot more serious but to me that's the same thing as watching porn and masturbating. Because I feel the same emptiness and sadness when I'm done. It's not like an affair. That's what I consider real cheating and I have no need to do something like that. Still I'm a dick though. NOFAP & SUPPORT Two months ago I discovered the YBOP site and I immediately identified with a lot of the content. My situation is a lot more serious (I wish my problem was just porn watching), but I felt this system may be able to help. And I decided to do something. This cheating has to stop. One way or another. The problem is that I have no idea if I can handle a full-time relationship (with no private life) but at the same time, I'm scared of having a private life because I know where it leads. So I decided to close the long-distance gap. We moved in together. I have no idea where this will lead but I'm going to make sure it's a better place for both of us. If it works out, and I manage to stop fapping, going to hookers and watching porn, I'm hoping to be able to start thinking more clearly. I know I'll be taking advantage of her in the meantime and I know I don't deserve her. But I'm too scared to be on my own now. I need to start thinking clearly again and get some strength to do what's right. A part of me hopes that we may be able to stay together. However, I don't ever see myself revealing all this mess to her. So there's an even bigger part of me telling me I won't be able to forgive myself and stay with her knowing what I did. So, this is the power of the money shot. The power of my obsession. Some could say that there's a simple solution to my problem, which is to find a girlfriend that likes facials. But I know this wouldn't work. I don't think there is a woman in the world that enjoys facials. Not unless there's a camera involved, she gets paid for it and she's been told to pretend she enjoys it. It's demeaning. I wouldn't do it to my girlfriend even if she asked me to and I know she never would. But even if she did, it would not be the same. In my mind, a girlfriend is a healthy thing. A facial is dirty and demeaning. And when I'm watching porn, that's what I want to do. Unload to some fucking whore's face! And the second right after I cum, I hate myself. That's not me. And you know what, I've done it in real life as well. I have unloaded. And it feels 1000 times worse. So yes, I don't think bringing my obsessions into my relationship would be the healthy thing to do. The obsessions have to disappear so I can have a healthy life and relationship. =================================== So, 20 days ago, I started NoFap and moved in with my girlfriend to try and get rid of this obsession all together. DAY 1 - 10 (July 12-21 2012) I moved in with her. Her period just started so no sex. I'm not so concerned about the O in PMO. I'm more concerned about PM and the H I'd add at the end for hookers in my case. We also had a lot of preparation work for the house and my computer wasn't even setup to watch anything. The first 10 days went by just like that. No cravings of any kind whatsoever. DAY 11 (July 22) We had sex today. After 10 days of no PMO. It was the best sex I've had in years! Slow and the orgasm was one of the most intense I've had in a long time. DAY 12, 13 (July 23) No PMO. No real urges. DAY 14 (July 25) Had sex again. After 2 days of no PMO. DAY 15, 16 (July 26, 27) Again no PMO, not much difficulty. I guess because I reset the O. DAY 17 (July 28) Had sex again. Same, after 2 days of no PMO. It was great. DAY 18 (July 29) Nofap, no porn, no sex. No real cravings. I guess I'm ok because I had sex last night. Since it was me who initiated sex the last 3 times, I'm going to stop doing that and see how long I can go on without orgasm. I have no intent to initiate until she does. DAY 19 (July 30) Ok, today was not so good. I had a boner in the morning that led me to this forum again to read some posts and calm down. I decided to make my own journal. I wrote most of this post and then took down the porn blocker to setup an anonymous email account and an account for this forum. I slipped though. I looked at a hookers website and a little bit of porn. I got out of it just in time though. I didn't jerk off and I went straight for a cold shower. But I fantasized. Shit. DAY 20 (July 31) That's today. I finished writing my journal intro. It's still midday and I have the rest of the day ahead of me but my morning boner has gone. I'm not sure what to do about the sex with my girlfriend situation though. I know that without it, I'll get more urges and I'll increase the probability to relapse. However, it might be a better, more intense experience and I might recover quicker. Not sure. If I do have sex with her it'll sure be easier and my urges won't be that strong, I think. I don't know. My counter is only real for fapping. I haven't masturbated at all for the last 20 days. I did have healthy sex and I did watch a little bit of porn (about 15 minutes). It's been 3 days since I had sex and I intent to keep it like that for as long as I can but I'm not sure this is the right strategy for my case. I know it will be very difficult and there's a lot at stake. BLOCKING PORN Oh, another important bit of information. My girlfriend leaves for work in the morning and comes back in the evening. And I work from home. Alone. On my computer. Unfortunately, my work IS the internet and i'm good with it. And if I want to access something (like porn), I will. You can't block me that easily. But, I did find an effective porn blocking system. I use OpenDNS's family DNS servers directly on the router. It's free. And it works well at the moment because it takes a while to disable it. You have change the DNS servers back to normal and then restart the router, flush the DNS etc. So far, the urges go away just by thinking about all the necessary steps to get access to porn. If I relapse though I'll go a step further and change the router's password and just give it to my girlfriend. Or throw it away. Then the steps will require a hardware reset and I really don't want to do this.