Is there a way out of this mess?

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by asha.med, Jul 31, 2012.

  1. asha.med

    asha.med It's all about the bricks

    Is there a way out of this mess?

    Hello everyone. I'm 31 and I think I have let PMO brainwash me and fuck up my life real good. I've reached a point where I can't think clearly and I'm causing damage to other people as well. I'm hoping NoFAP will help me clear up the mess.

    This is my journal. It starts at the very beginning and it has a lot of detail. It's so detailed because I think all this information is relevant and it will help me solve some of my life's problems. I also want to get it out of my chest. I know it will show the world what a weak fucking dick I am but I'm hoping it will help me fix things and reduce the damage I've done to myself and others.



    AGE 11-17: FIRST DISCOVERIES

    I vividly remember my first orgasm. I had no idea what I was doing but I felt like rubbing my dick. After a lot of rubbing, I started shaking uncontrollably while waves of pleasure were radiating all over my body. What the fuck was that!? No fluid came out but that was the most intense feeling I ever had. I kept doing this with no other "helping aids" for some time. Then I discovered my older brother's VHS stash and then I gradually moved from painfully slow loading photos and 1MB videos to broadband full 1080p videos. Up to the age of 17 I think I was masturbating on average about once a day.



    AGE 17-23: ME, HER, MY PALM, AND OTHERS

    I wasn't an ugly looking kid and I've had several relationships. My first serious one started at 17 and it lasted for 6 years, the last 3 of which were long distance. We were having sex regularly but I'd also masturbate at the same time and I remember that it wasn't an issue back then. It did feel like two completely separate things though. It was a different release. And I had to have both.

    Five years in (already 2 years in long distance), I got drunk and I had a stupid and meaningless one-night stand. I felt extremely bad so I called and told her. Surprisingly, she forgave me after a couple of days and we moved on like nothing happened. A few months later I found out that she was cheating on me for more than a year! I guess long distance does that. I've learned some lessons from that (but not all).



    AGE 23-26: THE DARK AGES

    After the awful break up and disappointment, I avoided making new relationships. I tried a few times but I would feel asphyxiated and I would end the relationship after a couple of weeks. I was fully depressed for the first year. Porn kept me good company though and I'd also smoke pot which made the orgasm more intense for me. Every night was a ritual I was looking forward to: smoke pot, jerk off, sleep.

    Pot is a trigger which, up to this day, I haven't been able to escape from. It always leads to PMO. I've quit smoking though and I never buy pot for myself anymore because when I have pot, I'll smoke it and I'll jerk off before bed. Now the only issue is when I can't say no when a joint is passed to me. I'll smoke it and try to stay high enough so I can go back home and jerk off.



    AGE 26: HOOKED

    At 26, a friend introduced me to hookers. I was still single and I'd never paid for sex before but it seemed like a good idea at the time because I was in no mood to start a new relationship.

    At first I liked it because I could be intimate with a woman and it'd been a while since I did. But it wasn't what I expected. It was fake. And cold. And I couldn't perform. Not even with hookers. Anytime a hooker would give me the fake "Porn Star" experience I'd go soft and leave. The same happened with hookers of the completely opposite "I hate it but I have to do this for money" style.

    Yet, when I watched women behaving like that on porn I'd get turned on. But when I'd actually experience it in reality, I'd feel like crap. (Note: I mean turned on by hard core porn stars, not by women being unwillingly fucked - that really turns me off both on the screen and in reality).

    There was some kind of an exception though. And this is at the core of my brainwashed, conditioned by porn brain. After a while I discovered some hookers that were willing to accept cumshots in the mouth. Most of them while wearing condoms and some others without! And this is my main porn fetish. I've had almost 95% of my orgasms up to this day while watching cumshots in the mouth or on the face (especially that). I'm obsessed about this. And it turns me on in seconds.

    Suddenly, the hookers opened up a whole new can of worms. I was able to actually do something the porn guys did and I didn't care about whether the hooker was cold, warm or whatever. As long as she was going to take it in the mouth or the face at the end, I was on autopilot and super excited. BUT, it never felt as good as I thought. It felt like shit. Like I was tricked. I was doing exactly what I was obsessed about but it was shit!

    I don't know. But in a way, I'm glad I felt like that with hookers. It made me feel that somewhere inside there was "goodness" and "kindness" and less "evil". I know it was porn that was driving me there, because I wanted to do what the guys in porn movies did. But I didn't enjoy it. It felt like shit.

    And then...



    AGE 27-31: OUT OF CONTROL

    I met a girl. Not as beautiful as my first girlfriend but way more active, intelligent and a much, much better person. And a new relationship began. Long distance again. Because that was the only way. If it wasn't long distance, it'd be another relationship that would asphyxiate me and I'd end it a couple of weeks later. I'm not sure how to explain it but I didn't want to be in a relationship. I knew it was healthy though and I wanted to want to be in one. So I thought this long distance thing might work.

    And it did. Four years have passed and we're still together. We'd see each other for a few days every 30-40 days and while I'd be glad to see her at first, after a few days I'd want her to leave so I could go back to my private life. And that's what happened.

    However, my luxury of a private life, which was what kept this relationship together, was also feeding my obsession. And obviously the porn watching, masturbating and even the hooker-going didn't stop completely.

    For the past 4 years, every time I jerked off and every time I went to a hooker I felt ten times worse than I did before. And that's normal because it's really awful to my girlfriend. She has no idea. I tried to stop it but I can't. I did minimize it a lot though, especially the hooker going (from 20 times in 2009 to 3 times in 2012).

    I know I am awful and I should have broken up with her a long time ago. Maybe I shouldn't have even started this relationship at all. But I am weak and I am scared and she's the only positive and real part of my life. She's what pulls me back to reality. And I keep cheating on her. What a fucking dick!

    I guess the hookers make it a lot more serious but to me that's the same thing as watching porn and masturbating. Because I feel the same emptiness and sadness when I'm done. It's not like an affair. That's what I consider real cheating and I have no need to do something like that. Still I'm a dick though.



    NOFAP & SUPPORT

    Two months ago I discovered the YBOP site and I immediately identified with a lot of the content. My situation is a lot more serious (I wish my problem was just porn watching), but I felt this system may be able to help. And I decided to do something.

    This cheating has to stop. One way or another. The problem is that I have no idea if I can handle a full-time relationship (with no private life) but at the same time, I'm scared of having a private life because I know where it leads.

    So I decided to close the long-distance gap. We moved in together. I have no idea where this will lead but I'm going to make sure it's a better place for both of us.

    If it works out, and I manage to stop fapping, going to hookers and watching porn, I'm hoping to be able to start thinking more clearly. I know I'll be taking advantage of her in the meantime and I know I don't deserve her. But I'm too scared to be on my own now. I need to start thinking clearly again and get some strength to do what's right.

    A part of me hopes that we may be able to stay together. However, I don't ever see myself revealing all this mess to her. So there's an even bigger part of me telling me I won't be able to forgive myself and stay with her knowing what I did.

    So, this is the power of the money shot. The power of my obsession. Some could say that there's a simple solution to my problem, which is to find a girlfriend that likes facials. But I know this wouldn't work. I don't think there is a woman in the world that enjoys facials. Not unless there's a camera involved, she gets paid for it and she's been told to pretend she enjoys it. It's demeaning. I wouldn't do it to my girlfriend even if she asked me to and I know she never would. But even if she did, it would not be the same. In my mind, a girlfriend is a healthy thing. A facial is dirty and demeaning. And when I'm watching porn, that's what I want to do. Unload to some fucking whore's face! And the second right after I cum, I hate myself. That's not me. And you know what, I've done it in real life as well. I have unloaded. And it feels 1000 times worse. So yes, I don't think bringing my obsessions into my relationship would be the healthy thing to do. The obsessions have to disappear so I can have a healthy life and relationship.

    ===================================

    So, 20 days ago, I started NoFap and moved in with my girlfriend to try and get rid of this obsession all together.

    DAY 1 - 10 (July 12-21 2012)
    I moved in with her. Her period just started so no sex. I'm not so concerned about the O in PMO. I'm more concerned about PM and the H I'd add at the end for hookers in my case. We also had a lot of preparation work for the house and my computer wasn't even setup to watch anything. The first 10 days went by just like that. No cravings of any kind whatsoever.

    DAY 11 (July 22)
    We had sex today. After 10 days of no PMO. It was the best sex I've had in years! Slow and the orgasm was one of the most intense I've had in a long time.

    DAY 12, 13 (July 23)
    No PMO. No real urges.

    DAY 14 (July 25)
    Had sex again. After 2 days of no PMO.

    DAY 15, 16 (July 26, 27)
    Again no PMO, not much difficulty. I guess because I reset the O.

    DAY 17 (July 28)
    Had sex again. Same, after 2 days of no PMO. It was great.

    DAY 18 (July 29)
    Nofap, no porn, no sex. No real cravings. I guess I'm ok because I had sex last night. Since it was me who initiated sex the last 3 times, I'm going to stop doing that and see how long I can go on without orgasm. I have no intent to initiate until she does.

    DAY 19 (July 30)
    Ok, today was not so good. I had a boner in the morning that led me to this forum again to read some posts and calm down. I decided to make my own journal. I wrote most of this post and then took down the porn blocker to setup an anonymous email account and an account for this forum. I slipped though. I looked at a hookers website and a little bit of porn. I got out of it just in time though. I didn't jerk off and I went straight for a cold shower. But I fantasized. Shit.

    DAY 20 (July 31)
    That's today. I finished writing my journal intro. It's still midday and I have the rest of the day ahead of me but my morning boner has gone. I'm not sure what to do about the sex with my girlfriend situation though. I know that without it, I'll get more urges and I'll increase the probability to relapse. However, it might be a better, more intense experience and I might recover quicker. Not sure. If I do have sex with her it'll sure be easier and my urges won't be that strong, I think. I don't know. My counter is only real for fapping. I haven't masturbated at all for the last 20 days. I did have healthy sex and I did watch a little bit of porn (about 15 minutes). It's been 3 days since I had sex and I intent to keep it like that for as long as I can but I'm not sure this is the right strategy for my case. I know it will be very difficult and there's a lot at stake.


    BLOCKING PORN

    Oh, another important bit of information. My girlfriend leaves for work in the morning and comes back in the evening. And I work from home. Alone. On my computer. Unfortunately, my work IS the internet and i'm good with it. And if I want to access something (like porn), I will. You can't block me that easily. But, I did find an effective porn blocking system. I use OpenDNS's family DNS servers directly on the router. It's free. And it works well at the moment because it takes a while to disable it. You have change the DNS servers back to normal and then restart the router, flush the DNS etc. So far, the urges go away just by thinking about all the necessary steps to get access to porn. If I relapse though I'll go a step further and change the router's password and just give it to my girlfriend. Or throw it away. Then the steps will require a hardware reset and I really don't want to do this.
     
  2. Forgive Me

    Forgive Me tmrw belongs to people who prepare for it today!

    Its a tough journey and there will be highs and lows but at the end it will all be worth it. Stay strong, remember why you are doing this, never lose hope, stay committed, if at first you fail try and try again, keep fighting, never give up, conquer your demons.

    This is the journey to becoming a man.

    I wish you all the best.
     
  3. RedPill

    RedPill Back to Reality...

    First of all, there are members here who have problems with prostitutes, so I wouldn't say you are some incurable case. Read the journals of TheUnderdog and LiveInTheNow.

    Secondly, you've reached 20 days on your first attempt with only a few minor speed bumps, so I would say that you have a great chance of beating this addiction fairly quickly if you hold your resolve.

    Thirdly, you need to do something about the 'working home alone on a computer all day' situation. TRUST ME.
    If you can work on a laptop, go to a public library, or local uni, or even an internet cafe and work from there. Or if you have any friends with free office/studio space, go there. Just say to them that the walls were closing in on you at home and you needed a change of scenery. Being at home alone all day is the worst situation a recovering PMO addict can put himself in. If you absolutely cannot work anywhere else, then take regular walks outside throughout the day, even to the local shop and back. Sitting in front of a computer waiting for the boredom to set in and the porn to come knocking is a certainty if you leave it long enough. So have a think about how you can change your working environment immediately for the better, at least until a time when your addict brain can be effectively succumbed by a higher logical override. You might want to try out a spot of meditation (mindfulness) too. It helps with cravings.

    Good luck on here and in life. And to answer your question blankly - yes there is a way out of this mess. :D

    Welcome.
     
  4. RedPill

    RedPill Back to Reality...

    My Top 5 activities that aid recovery:

    • Physical Exercise
    • Healthy Diet
    • Meditation
    • Socialising/being outdoors
    • Being fully engaged in a healthily stimulating activity (working, playing instrument, writing, painting, memory exercises, etc.)

    I would add bonding with a partner as a strong 6th, but I'm single ::)
     
  5. balram1992

    balram1992 New Member

    The fact that you realise that you are doing something wrong itself is a big step in the right direction and remember success builds success. So every time you reach a milestone in your journey record it, share it with us, that way you can bask in the glory of success and we get motivated at the same time. I wish you all the best
     
  6. asha.med

    asha.med It's all about the bricks

    Hi again and thanks for the responses.

    When I logged in and saw there are four replies to my post I had a strong and sudden fear/stress/shame feeling. I was prepared to read some hate posts. I thought the replies would attack me saying I am a horrible person for what I did. I have read a few of the journals but I didn't come across any hookers/cheating experiences so I thought I'd be attacked for that. But I wasn't. And I thank you so much for this. It still doesn't justify what I've done and I still feel bad about it but this forum feels like a much more supportive environment than I expected. And I feel I might be able to get out of this.

    One more chance in life: thank you for your reply.

    RedPill: you are right about the working from home issue. I'll try to address this in some way. I can't work as effectively on my laptop so I'll try something else like walking and getting out more. In terms of exercise, I haven't been doing much. And unfortunately, I've also started gaining weight, which I don't like at all. I'm planning to start swimming daily but it's not possible to do that yet so in the meantime I'll try to just get out and walk more.

    I also intend to use this forum as an alternative when I have cravings. Previously I'd just read stuff on YBOP but I think being actively involved and reading and commenting on others' journals is a much better approach.

    balram1992: you are also right and thanks for the advice. I'm going to start setting milestones and sharing them with you.

    So, thank you all for your replies. You've made feel much better and motivated to win this thing.

    I know my life is a bit of a mess right now and there are a thousand things I'd like to change. Stopping PM feels like the most important right now because I think it's been also feeding a lot of other issues.

    So, new strategy for the next week: 1 - 7 August
    • Avoid watching porn. When you get the urge, come to this forum and read/reply to other posts
    • Try to get out at least once a day and walk for about 20'
     
  7. asha.med

    asha.med It's all about the bricks

    DAY 20 (yesterday)

    The day was going pretty well. Even though I was working on the computer all day, I managed to stay away from porn thanks to my OpenDNS router settings. Also, this forum helped a lot, since anytime I'd get bored (which previously was a trigger) I'd come here and read some journals so I can contribute later on.

    In the evening, my girlfriend came back home. We had dinner, watched a little TV and went to bed. As I promised myself in the morning, I was going to avoid sex for as long as I could by not initiating it. So I was ready to simply go to sleep. But she had other plans...

    Long story short, we had sex. It was 2 days since our last time but it was very interesting and very different than usual.

    First, it was in the dark. I've never, ever managed to cum while doing it in the dark. I need to be able to see to maintain my erection. And lately POV seeing wasn't enough so I'd bring a mirror next to the bed to have a side view which turned me on a lot more. (The rooms in brothels have those and when watching porn I prefer the side view. Especially for the money shots).

    Second, she came twice! And I felt it! Holy shit! She's only done that like once before. We're having unprotected sex so when she goes off I can feel her contractions. They are not so strong but last night I felt them a lot more. Maybe I'm more sensitive or maybe she had a stronger orgasm. I don't know. Maybe both. My orgasms are really intense and I'm shaking up and down quite a lot. I didn't always do that but over the years I've started to let myself go a lot more. I can still have an orgasm while being perfectly still but I prefer to let go and let my body move uncontrollably. I've told her about that so maybe she's trying it too. I don't know. I know I'd love it if she had more intense orgasms.

    Third, my orgasm was fucking awesome! Not as intense as the one I had after 10 days of PMO but still pretty close. It felt great. I know I reset my O counter again but I'm not so worried about that. I think that's healthy because it's also part of what my life would be when (and if) I fully recover (I still have low expectations because it's very early).

    I think having a girlfriend is a huge help. The most important action for my recovery seems to be that I moved in with her. She knows about my need for a private life (but not that I need it to masturbate or go to hookers) and I was clear when I moved in. I told her I might not be able to do it. I might feel asphyxiated and we might break up and she understands this.

    However, the best thing of all is that I'm developing stronger feelings and I am getting more attracted to my girlfriend. The past four years felt like I was in my relationship for social reasons. Just so I can be in a relationship. Just so I can tell I have a girlfriend. All this time she was competing with hundrends of pornstars and dozens of hookers. And she's been losing. But I was also losing as well. For the first time now she finally has a chance. I haven't masturbated or watched porn (except for 15 minutes on Day 19) for 20 days now. And I believe the power of a healthy relationship is slowly starting to show.

    I'm beginning to see the real difference between an orgasm induced from porn or hookers and an orgasm from a healthy relationship. Keep in mind my relationship is very far from healthy but for the last 20 days it's the healthiest it's ever been. The main difference is the way you feel after you cum. With hookers and porn I feel like shit! I feel tricked. I feel like a fool and a victim. With my girlfriend, I feel awesome! That difference is the only reason I need to move on with No PM. Because I know that my relationship will get healthier and my feelings even better!


    So, after 20 days, it seems that my chances to win this thing (with her help) are really good. I'm still carrying a lot of guilt though for all the cheating with hookers and I don't know if I'll be able to live with it. For now though my focus is to keep away from PM and have an O whenever she feels like it.

    The strategy for this week (1 - 7 August) remains the same:
    • Avoid watching porn. When you get the urge, come to this forum and read/reply to other posts
    • Try to get out at least once a day and walk for about 20'
    • Don't initiate sex with girlfriend. If she does.. enjoy some healthy sex!
     
  8. asha.med

    asha.med It's all about the bricks

    DAY 23 (Morning) - P:0 // M:22 // O:2

    Okay, I knew this was too good and too easy to be true. Having a girlfriend really does help but it was foolish to believe my obsessions will disappear so easily. I think my dark side has been just warming up.

    I haven't had sex with my girlfriend since day 20 and I'm actively avoiding it now by working until late when she's tired and almost asleep. Just making sure she won't be in the mood for nothing.

    I haven't masturbated for 22 days but the last couple of days I've had serious urges to watch porn. As planned, I managed to avoid it by reading for hours on this forum. Somehow though, I ended up browsing another forum. For hookers. It's not porn but it's worse for me. Shit.

    Since day 20 I've been feeling better about myself and my relationship and I felt like moving steadily towards where I want to be: A life with no desire for porn, hookers and uncontrollable behavior. A life where I'm enjoying a real and healthy relationship.

    So far, moving in with my girlfriend, visiting this forum, blocking sites with OpenDNS and above all my guilt (for cheating on her with hookers) have kept my thoughts and actions pure. Being now in the same town and house with her makes watching porn and visiting hookers very difficult and extremely risky. I'm starting to worry though because it looks like my obsession is starting to pierce through this armor and it's much more powerful than I thought.

    It might have been about an hour I was browsing on the hookers forum yesterday. Looking and reading reviews for hookers that accept facials. My goddamn obsession. So that was pretty damaging I think. It took me a long way back and it'll sure take a while to gain forward momentum again.

    I know the armor strengthens every time I am with her but it doesn't always work. It seems that when I feed my obsession for 1 minute, it's enough to destroy the "healing" effects of 60 minutes of girlfriend time.

    I don't know. I'm starting to panic a bit because I think I'm not going to make it. And if I slip again, that's it. I'm leaving her because she doesn't deserve that and I can't handle any more guilt. Then I'll be all by myself. With my obsession on the wheel. Great...

    I'll try to calm down and take it one day at a time. Increase armor strengthening activities and avoid the rest. To help me with that, I'll use week habits instead of the weekly strategy I used before. I like habits more because they are more permanent. I'd like to develop those and keep them for the rest of my life.

    Habits to keep working on this week (1 - 7 August):

    H1: Avoid watching porn and hooker websites. Get a counter app for your phone and record every time you get the urge. When you get the urge do 3 pushups or squats! (I'd put 10 but I guess I won't be able to handle it).

    H2: Only visit this forum for 30' every day and report on your habits. If you want to post more and that's not enough time to finish your post, save it and post it the day after.

    H3: Get out at least once a day and walk for about 10' (I did 20' two days ago but was bored to do it yesterday)

    H4: Don't initiate sex with girlfriend. Work late till she's tired. If she really wants to... enjoy some healthy sex!

    H5: Don't try to work on more than 5 habits at a time. Don't care about being perfect and developing habits for everything else in your life. Start with these and when you're done (after a 30 day streak) you can take on more.
     
  9. asha.med

    asha.med It's all about the bricks

    DAY 24 (Morning) - P:1 // M:23 // O:3

    So, one day at a time, not dwelling too much on the consequences, and focusing on developing only 5 habits feels a lot more manageable. I do all sorts of other things during the day for which I'm trying not to care that much about. My automatic reaction for almost everything I do is to figure out the most optimal way to do it and always do it that way. It's very tiring to live like this. I think that's sort of the definition of perfectionism.

    Not PMOing somehow brings all sorts of other issues up. I can't let myself be overwhelmed though. It looks like the most difficult thing to do is to stick to a specific strategy to fight this thing. It has multiple faces and attacks you from multiple angles. It's really easy to keep fighting different monsters as they come up but I don't think that gets you anywhere. You have to stick to a specific plan to see some progress. But it's very tempting to try and solve all these problems at once!

    So, habits review.

    H1 (1/1) : I haven't watched any porn or visited hooker sites. I was tempted a couple of times but I did a little exercise instead as planned (2x3 pushups). I guess I can increase the number of pushups but maybe in a couple of days. I don't want to start changing things right away.

    H2 (0/1) : I spent a lot more than 30' on this forum yesterday but today I feel I can achieve this easily.

    H3 (0/1) : I did get out of the house and went to see some friends but I didn't walk. Not even for 10'. I have to work harder on this.

    H4 (1/1) : That went well. We went to sleep very tired with no mood for sex.

    H5 (1/1): Trying not to focus on improving other things has been the most difficult so far. I'm managing though. I think this will be the most rewarding one.

    Okay, my time's up. I want to go do other things now. I'll try to stick to these habits for rest of the day as well.
     
  10. asha.med

    asha.med It's all about the bricks

    DAY 24 REVIEW - P:2 // M:24 // O:4

    Being 100% honest in this forum has helped me tremendously. The thought of watching porn and hooker websites has crosses my mind a few times but only for an instant. I quickly switch to thinking about other stuff to avoid relapsing and posting here about it and also to avoid exercise (which is my punishment for thinking about browsing porn and hooker sites).

    Habits review:

    H1 (2/2): Didn't watch porn or browsed hooker sites. Trying not to worry about the future and how more difficult this may get. I don't care. I care about today.

    H2 (1/2): Spent only 30' on this forum. No problem doing that.

    H3 (0/2): That's not going very well. I didn't get any exercise at all. Being so hot outside (almost 40C) doesn't help but I guess I can still take a 10' walk. I'll try to go out for a walk right after my 30' session on this forum. It might be easier to just stick it next to a better-developed habit.

    H4 (2/2): I went out with my gf to see some friends and came back really late again. So no sex again.

    H5 (2/2): That's the most difficult one so far. All day long a lot more issues are coming up and I'm really itching to start working on them. But I know this is what usually gets me nowhere. I know that I just end up dividing my effort in 200 goals and never reaching any of them. I can't let it go though. I need to write all these upcoming issues down hoping I'll be able to work on them someday.

    So here are todays new issues that I'm trying to ignore because they prevent me from developing my first 5 habits:

    A. Improve your writing skills. Your writing sucks and everyone in this forum writes better than you. It doesn't matter that english is not your mother tongue. This is true for many people but they still speak and write much better than you do. You need to get better at it.

    B. Increase your general knowledge. Everyone seems to have deeper knowledge about lifestyle, politics, geography and a lot of other subjects than you do. You are only good with computer stuff but most people don't care about that. What they know is more important. You need to increase your knowledge a lot more so you don't come across as stupid.

    I'm sure more issues will come up soon to keep my constant dissatisfaction going. I see the ridiculousness of them know that I write them down and my will to work on them is slightly minimized but it's still there. Deep down I still really want to devote time to improve these things. Become better and perfect.

    Thankfully, H2 prevents me from spending more time on this post so I'll wrap it up here and go for a 10' walk.
     
  11. Sergio

    Sergio New Member

    Interesting journal, Ash! I'm sure your honesty and openness will help you beat your demons.
    Good luck, pal!
     
  12. asha.med

    asha.med It's all about the bricks

    Thank you Sergio. I hope it works too.

    DAY 25 REVIEW - P:3 // M:25 // O:0

    Ok, very quick review today because I've also posted in another journal and my time is running out.

    I'm changing the counting method to just show the number of consecutive days for each habit.

    H1 (3): Not even a thought about porn or hooker sites yesterday. Nothing.

    H2 (2): Again, only 30' on this forum.

    H3 (1): Hell yeah! I managed to get out for a 20' walk right after posting here. I'll do the same in a second. I'll keep the target time to 10' though. I won't mind if I do more but I'll be happy with 10'.

    H4 (3): Went to bed fairly early today and my gf was in the mood. It's been 4 days and okay, I couldn't resist. We had sex and it was great. In the dark again, and with zero fantasizing about porn, facials or whatever. My boy is really sensitive now and that's enough to keep my mind from other stuff. I did not initiate so I'm keeping the counter running.

    H5 (4): Tried really hard not to work on new habits. I'm creating a new 'perfectionism' area below though to let some of the pressure out. I can't just ignore these urges.

    Perfectionism:
    I was planning to gather all the upcoming issues here so I can work with them in the future. There's no point though. I did an online test yesterday and it turns out I'm a total perfectionist! Thank you PMO for uncovering all sorts of new demons. Anyway, I'm starting to see the pattern of my daily upcoming issues. Every time someone does anything better than I do, I feel inadequate. I know it's completely irrational but I feel that way. Improving all areas of my life is not the goal here. It's accepting that I can't be perfect, that others will know more and be more skilled, that they will judge me and I should not care about what they think. At the moment, I really do care a lot about what others think of me. And I let my interpretation of their thoughts shape my behavior and it really sucks.

    Okay, enough with that. Let's not make it a habit. I know my journal is starting to be less and less related to PMO and I'm sorry if my long posts are boring you but I feel I'm making progress. I feel I'm onto something. My issues may not be PMO related but PMO was really preventing me from working on them. And now they are starting to come out.

    Way over 30' on this forum today so I'll have to reset that counter tomorrow, crap. Anyway, I'm going out for a walk.
     
  13. asha.med

    asha.med It's all about the bricks

    Ok, working on perfectionism is actually taking on another habit which violates my H5 so I'll stop doing that.

    I'll also try to keep my post very brief.

    2012-08-06 Habits Review - P:4 // M:26 // O:1

    H1: No porn/hooker sites (4 days)
    H2: Only 30' on this forum (0 days)
    H3: Walk at least 10' (2 days)
    H4: Don't initiate sex with gf (4 days)
    H5: Analyze issues and plan future habits for 30' max (1 day)

    I've changed the last habit because it was vague. Completely ignoring my other issues doesn't work so I'll use the fifth habit to just think about and analyze them for a bit every day.
     
  14. asha.med

    asha.med It's all about the bricks

    2012-08-07 Habits Review - P:0 // M:27 // O:2

    H1: No porn/hooker sites (0 days - relapse!)
    H2: Only 30' on this forum (1 days)
    H3: Walk at least 10' (3 days)
    H4: Don't initiate sex with gf (5 days)
    H5: Analyze issues and plan future habits for 30' max (2 days)

    H1 Relapse: Ok shit. I spent 2 hours browsing call-girl sites. Looking for and reading reviews of girls that will take a facial (my obsession) and being super horny. I didn't jerk off but there was a huge fight in my mind between the part that wants to facialize a call-girl and the part that wants to accept that this will never happen again. Huge fight! That's definitely a step back but I don't want to dwell on it too much. It's a relapse. It happens. P and H1 counters are reset, here we go. The reason it happened is work stress. I spent hours trying to design a single page and I couldn't do it. I got stuck. Had a 2 hour P break, I managed to snap out of it, take a cold shower, go for a walk and get back to work. I finally managed to produce something I'm happy with. Note to self: next time skip the call-girl forums and go straight for a cold shower and a walk!

    H5 Analysis: I wanted to research what kinds of habits I need to develop to fight perfectionism. The forum browsing and stressful work day didn't let me do that though. I'll do it tomorrow.
     
  15. RedPill

    RedPill Back to Reality...

    Brother, you are preaching to the choir. Having a creative job and dealing with addiction/depression is incredibly draining. This is why I crave a 9-5pm mindless career with zero subjectivity or emotional ties. I find it nigh on impossible to produce good work when I am in a PMO haze, or irritable from a buildup of PMO abstinence. I simply can't generate the passion or patience required to come up with anything close to professional quality work.

    I second what you say about getting out and going for a walk, or even better, a jog. I'm about to take on some more freelance work (against my better judgement) but I am now exercising on a daily basis. I hope this will help me relax and ease into the work. I hope you have similar results from it. Just keep exercising every day until it is a habit.

    This is my other problem when it comes to finishing off work to a deadline. Here is a new perspective that helped me detach from the obsessiveness of creative work. If it is a web design, just remember that there are millions of websites out there, and the fate of the world doesn't rest in the balance of your CSS styles or grid layout. Nobody will include a certain website's visuals in a countdown of the greatest artistic achievements in the history of humanity. You are being paid to produce marketing visuals to help somebody sell some stuff. That is it. Content is king on the web, so the layout just needs to be clean and unobtrusive. I know there are different markets and target audiences to aim for, and design can get pretty obsessive, even typography in itself can drive the perfectionist designer to distraction. But just remember that you are working for a paying client, so you should only put in as much time and effort as they are funding you for. Work it up to an acceptable standard, based on what was agreed upon beforehand, and then submit it. I'm sure you know all this, I'm not trying to educate you on how to do your own job, but it helps to be reminded of the cold, hard business component of our line of work sometimes. Otherwise, we treat each project like our Mona Lisa, and slave over it for little sleep and less thanks. I need to work on this too ;)
     
  16. risefromtheashes

    risefromtheashes New Member

    Hey asha, just wanted to check in. My and your backgrounds are pretty different. Having said that, when I read your posts I felt like we have so much in common. We both have a better man inside we are trying to let free. So I had a powerful sense of compassion and sympathy for you as I read. I am proud of you for the work you are doing and the things you are trying to improve in your life.

    Everybody on this board is here because they have made some mistakes that they want to change. You are not alone in this. One thing I think is crucial to change is building new mental pathways. As I am sure you have read, a mental pathway is a subconscious chain reaction that occurs within our brains. A good example of this is a cocaine addict who sees some drug paraphernalia. His brain starts racing because it thinks it's going to get the drug rush. For me, it might be sitting on my computer all day...after a while my brain says I have done this before and this is usually where I get porn. If you haven't, read up on Pavlov's dog. So new mental pathways are critical. I lift weights, do cardio, eat healthier, wake up early and go to bed early, do yard work and few other things to try and build my own mental pathways. You talk a lot about improving your relationship with your GF, well maybe one way to build a new mental pathway that leads to a healthier relationship is to do something nice for her everyday. When she comes home from work she has a nice surprise. For example (and it is just an example), learn to cook a few good meals (I also enjoy cooking so if you want some easy suggestions I can surely provide some insights). It might help if she knew you weren't doing it to get sex, but if she knew that it will probably turn her on even more. Anyway, just a thought for you.

    Best of luck man. Hang in there, you are doing great things!
     
  17. asha.med

    asha.med It's all about the bricks

    Sometimes I'm wondering if any other manual job would be better. Like a farmer or something. Anything more active than sitting on my desk all day. I don't know... There are days which feel more manageable and I'm starting to think it comes down to balance and not biting a lot more than you can chew. Perfectionism could ruin any job.

    That's what's difficult for me too. I find that if you can have a healthy O it gets easier though. 90 days of no O is not realistic for me. I think it'll make my life harder at the moment so I focus first on no porn. That alone has freed up a lot of time which I make much better use of right now.


    I've started walking based on your suggestion (a few posts back). I'm taking it slow though because my lifestyle is *really* sedentary. I'll do 10-20' walks first, then jogs. I'll get there. No rush.


    So true. I treat almost all my projects as if I were paid millions. A good friend once told me that I need to be able to distinguish between the musts, shoulds and coulds. Spot on! I'm still struggling with that. It's like when I work on a project it becomes the most important thing in the world and I completely forget about all the other projects that also need a fair chunk of my time. Prioritization is so difficult. I'm trying to time-box my work but it's very difficult when I try to squeeze in all the little improvements that constantly pop up in my mind.




    Thanks Rise, that means a lot to me.


    You are correct. I'm trying my best to replace my twisted mental pathways with new healthier ones. I feel that my need for porn is already fading. I've had a couple of relapses but they were not as intense as before I started no PM. It's as if the "little good white angel's" voice now is much louder and I can't ignore him as easily as I used to. The little devil's still there on the other side but he's not dominating anymore and he's starting to worry a little bit. Little fucker...

    Already doing that :) Almost on a daily basis. I'm working from home and she's wasted when she gets back in the evening so I cook during weekdays which is also a pleasant break away from the computer and sitting. It feels good and it does help our relationship.
     
  18. asha.med

    asha.med It's all about the bricks

    2012-08-08 Habits Review - P:1 // M:28 // O:3

    H1: No porn/hooker sites (1 day)
    H2: Only 30' on this forum (2 days)
    H3: Walk at least 10' (4 days)
    H4: Don't initiate sex with gf (6 days)
    H5: Analyze issues and plan future habits for 30' max (3 days)


    H5 Analysis: I didn't do much on that today either. I've been wrapping up some work projects because I'm off for some holiday time on Friday. Perfectionism is definitely an issue I have to work on. It seems it has penetrated every aspect of my life (work, social life, etc) and it's ruining all of them. I'm going to research and analyze it and make a plan of habits I could develop in order to fight this thing.

    ---

    Okay, I'm out for about a couple of weeks. I'll keep tracking my habits and post a full report when I get back. I'm not sure if I'll be able to post from where I'm going. I really want to unplug as much as possible during my holiday.

    I'll leave you guys with this TED talk which helped me a lot. Watch it, it's really worth it.

    http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

    (2 beers and a banana nut muffin .. aka porn)
     
  19. risefromtheashes

    risefromtheashes New Member

    Thanks for the video! That was awesome. Really made me think. Which poses the question...do I go around telling every girl I go out with how addicted to porn I am and how I am fighting to recover? That would definitely make me vulnerable...
     
  20. asha.med

    asha.med It's all about the bricks

    Ok, so I'm back from holiday and I have some good and some horrible news.

    2012-08-19 Habits Review - P:9 // M:39 // O:0

    H1: No porn/hooker sites (9 days)
    H2: Only 30' on this forum (10 days)
    H3: Walk at least 10' (8 days)
    H4: Don't initiate sex with gf (17 days)
    H5: Analyze issues and plan future habits for 30' max (14 days)

    First off, for 10 days, there was no P or M. Having no internet connection really helped with that. I also had great healthy sex with my gf a couple of times during the holiday. H1 and H2 were automatically sorted due to no internet. For H3 I'd swim every day at least 20' and it was great. As for H4, it's getting really easy now. I just wait until she's in the mood and looking forward to her periods. Finally, I really didn't think of any other issues during my holiday so the H5 counter automatically increased a lot.

    BUT!

    There seems to be an unstoppable force inside me that pushes me to fuck things up every time my life is improving. I don't know how else to describe it. Every time I'm doing well, every time I manage to eat healthy for a long period or stop fapping or exercise... every fucking time I fuck up in the end. The longer the healthy period the harder the crash.

    So yep, I relapsed. On the 20th, the day I returned from my holiday, I went to a hooker, and PMOed twice after that.

    The thought of never posting again here crossed my mind. I've had a fairly flawless reboot until now (at least as far as PM and sex with hookers were concerned) and I also posted that if I slip again with hookers I might leave my gf. Honestly, right now, I don't know what to do.

    I don't think leaving the forum would help me and I promised that I'll be 100% honest here. So, I decided to write this post. But I don't know what to do with my gf. For the 39 days of no PM, my relationship and my life improved a lot! I'm leaning more towards staying with her and keep trying to improve our relationship. Those 39 days made me believe I can get out of this mess and fully recover. I'm just hoping to keep my relapses to a minimum and keep my girlfriend and morals at the same time. Fucking a hooker and having a girlfriend is plain wrong and immoral and I really can't keep doing this. I am really confused about this and I would love some feedback (negative, positive whatever) if anyone is reading. I know that if leave her I'd increase my chances of serious relapse a million percent. At the same time I feel bad staying with her ("using her") to get out of this mess. I do think I'll make it but I'm not sure if my morals will get twisted on the way out.

    I'm aware of the triggers for my relapse. Right after the holiday I had to go back to my hometown alone to sort out some business/financial issues. My gf went back to our place in a different town. First of all, my whole hometown and my house there is a trigger because that's where I've been constantly fapping for the past few years. On top of that, my business just took a serious hit financially and I'm really stressed about that. I've even started thinking about changing jobs and/or moving to another country. So yes, my stupid asshole addict part which I was slowly but steadily shrinking every day for the past 39 days found a chance to break lose and wreak havoc. Fuck a hooker and PMO twice in less than 10 hours! That fucking little shit!

    So now, I'm staying another week at my hometown to try and save my business. I have some very important decisions to make while being in a very toxic environment but I can't avoid it. I'll try to deal with the business issues and I'll do my best to avoid PMOing or anything else. I'm not promising anything or being really strict about it as it is less effective (at least for me). I've had the same experience with smoking. Each time I forced myself to quit cold turkey it never worked. But when I said "I'll try not to smoke but even if I do it's ok" it did work. And that was 2.5 years ago. Never smoked since (okay, except pot a few times).

    So, for the next few days, while in my hometown, instead of feeling sorry about myself and PMO even more, I want to calmly deal with the business issues and find a solution. I'm still very confused about what to do with my gf but I'm going to think about it first and deal with it next week.
     

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