Day 0 Hello to anyone and everyone who has come to read my posts. I love to dig deep into myself and express it in writing so usually the posts might get long. I had a general idea of how I was going to write my first post but my brain got foggy (sadly just recently PMO'ed) and lost my train of thought. For today, I'll just randomly express related thoughts. When this brain fog fades as time passes, I'll write how I got to where I am and where I'm headed. I'm going to use this as a very truthful journal. Oh man even the current thoughts are flying away as quickly as they come up. For years I believed that I didn't have any problem with porn even though the usage frequency was high. Whenever I heard phrases such as "porn will disrupt your mental image about sex" I used to think yeah yeah blah blah not me whatever. And when I used to read NoFap stories or claims, I was just like maybe it's placebo effect or whatever and I was just content with my fapping lifestyle. What's crazy is that I even tried to look for evidence that fapping every other day is good for you or that not fapping is bad to your health. Then I underwent a part lifestyle change. Before the change, I was home almost 24/7 due to homeschooling and ate so much junk foods and kept gaining and gaining weight. Then I hit my all time high at a check up and was shocked by the numbers. So I decided I had to do something about because it was getting out of control. So eversince that day I've been working out regularly and eating "relatively" clean and gained lots of strength and muscle and lost lots of fat. However my views about porn and masterbation were still remained the same. Then suddenly one day (I can't exactly remember when it started) but I had trouble speaking to other people. Even to my own family!! Whenever I'd try to speak, my breath would be super shallow and it's like something was blocking my vocal cords and my voice would come out extremely forced, barely audible and relatively high pitched. Whenever I had something to say, it got up to the neck before this would happen again and I would either not say it at all or try to say it and fail. It stressed me so much I tried looking online everywhere but could not find any solution. I thought another solution was to go to a voice coach to help me with this problem but I was ashamed to go to my parents with this problem. So the frustration of not being able to say what I want freely and the stress from the symptom kept building as time went by. I thought that maybe my workouts were influencing it in some way. Whatever the reason was I just wanted to be rid of it and be free to live my life without inhibition. One day I refound RSDtyler on youtube and learned lots of great stuff about inner game and meditation. So few weeks ago I started meditating consecutively. Even though I do not see any benefits from it right now, the tension in my throat when trying to speak has decreased from when it started and it just comes up now and again depending on what kind of situation I'm in. But during the meditation, I can definitely feel an immediate calming effect. Not sure how all this is relevant but eventually I found one article of yourbrainonporn.com and got hooked onto all the science and the research behind it. So I read through some of these posts and success stories and decided to have one of my own where I could share my own struggles and victories. I will record all the insights that I learn through this journey and thoughts so that the changes in thoughts over time is visible clearly. Oh yeah by the way I'm really into self development and improving oneself so always trying to learn more philosophy wise and physical wise. I realized that this is not just abstinence but also another lifestyle change for me, so there's going to be many aspects about my life that's not related to PMO written here. It's just getting too long and crazy now. Will have to come back tomorrow for clearer mind, and with this lifestyle change I hope I can become a real man other than a crybaby boy.