Inner thoughts and contemplations of a growing man

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by TheYoungOne, Aug 21, 2016.

  1. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    Day 0
    Hello to anyone and everyone who has come to read my posts. I love to dig deep into myself and express it in writing so usually the posts might get long. I had a general idea of how I was going to write my first post but my brain got foggy (sadly just recently PMO'ed) and lost my train of thought. For today, I'll just randomly express related thoughts. When this brain fog fades as time passes, I'll write how I got to where I am and where I'm headed.

    I'm going to use this as a very truthful journal.

    Oh man even the current thoughts are flying away as quickly as they come up.

    For years I believed that I didn't have any problem with porn even though the usage frequency was high. Whenever I heard phrases such as "porn will disrupt your mental image about sex" I used to think yeah yeah blah blah not me whatever. And when I used to read NoFap stories or claims, I was just like maybe it's placebo effect or whatever and I was just content with my fapping lifestyle. What's crazy is that I even tried to look for evidence that fapping every other day is good for you or that not fapping is bad to your health.
    Then I underwent a part lifestyle change. Before the change, I was home almost 24/7 due to homeschooling and ate so much junk foods and kept gaining and gaining weight. Then I hit my all time high at a check up and was shocked by the numbers. So I decided I had to do something about because it was getting out of control. So eversince that day I've been working out regularly and eating "relatively" clean and gained lots of strength and muscle and lost lots of fat.
    However my views about porn and masterbation were still remained the same.
    Then suddenly one day (I can't exactly remember when it started) but I had trouble speaking to other people. Even to my own family!! Whenever I'd try to speak, my breath would be super shallow and it's like something was blocking my vocal cords and my voice would come out extremely forced, barely audible and relatively high pitched. Whenever I had something to say, it got up to the neck before this would happen again and I would either not say it at all or try to say it and fail. It stressed me so much I tried looking online everywhere but could not find any solution. I thought another solution was to go to a voice coach to help me with this problem but I was ashamed to go to my parents with this problem. So the frustration of not being able to say what I want freely and the stress from the symptom kept building as time went by. I thought that maybe my workouts were influencing it in some way. Whatever the reason was I just wanted to be rid of it and be free to live my life without inhibition.
    One day I refound RSDtyler on youtube and learned lots of great stuff about inner game and meditation. So few weeks ago I started meditating consecutively. Even though I do not see any benefits from it right now, the tension in my throat when trying to speak has decreased from when it started and it just comes up now and again depending on what kind of situation I'm in. But during the meditation, I can definitely feel an immediate calming effect.
    Not sure how all this is relevant but eventually I found one article of yourbrainonporn.com and got hooked onto all the science and the research behind it. So I read through some of these posts and success stories and decided to have one of my own where I could share my own struggles and victories.
    I will record all the insights that I learn through this journey and thoughts so that the changes in thoughts over time is visible clearly.

    Oh yeah by the way I'm really into self development and improving oneself so always trying to learn more philosophy wise and physical wise.

    I realized that this is not just abstinence but also another lifestyle change for me, so there's going to be many aspects about my life that's not related to PMO written here.

    It's just getting too long and crazy now. Will have to come back tomorrow for clearer mind, and with this lifestyle change I hope I can become a real man other than a crybaby boy.
     
  2. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    Day 1

    Background: a little bit more about myself. I'm an 18 year old South Korean who lived in America when I was young and fell in love with the culture, so I'm studying to go to an American university. I went into a "special highschool" in Korea for people who wants to be more "international" and study abroad, but turned out that that was all a lie. So I said fuck it and dropped out to study by myself to go to university. Even though I'm not Christian (I have no particular religion that I believe in) the homeschooling curriculum is for Christians, so that was quite some challenge getting used to everything being related to Christianinty vs evolution theory. Now I'm in my second year doing homeschooling and I've adjusted quite a bit, but still need some work on not procrastinating too much and getting things done on time. But thanks to homeschooling I've gained lots of benefits. I've adobted a healthy lifestyle of lifting weights and eating right, can learn about whatever I want in my own time, did a few part-time Jobs involving translating that gave me different outlook on life, and the self-development that I went through and still go through is extraordinary and something that I never would have thought possible if I was still at that school. However, there is one critical bad stuff that resulted from homeschooling. I rarely socailize with other people except for my family. I know all of the problems that occur with not socializing will be solved (or at least some of it will be solved I hope) when I go to university but for now that seems like a life time away, so I gotta do something about that as soon as I'm finished with my main studies (which is quite soon! :) )
    I think that's sufficient for now. If there's anything more that's relevant to a particular situation I will write about it then.

    [WARNING : there might be some potential triggers below. I'm sorry but I was being descriptive and everything just came out. the main idea is that I started M'ing extremely young and the first time with artificial triggers is when I went to America] If you'd prefer to skip then skip to the next paragraph titled "Today:"

    Looking back to the very first memory of masterbation, I think I innately knew about stimulating my wood to feel good, because I remember me being EXTREMELY young and trying to teach my younger brother about it under the blanket hahahaha What a thing to be doing right? to such innocent young bro.. Anyway back then it was all about fantasies and stimulating only the tip. Nothing came out because I was like 1st grader or perhaps even younger. I don't really know for sure. What I do know is that sometimes it would get too red and hurt so much that I had to get it looked by my doctor parents. So embarrassing :/ Sometimes I would get caught doing it in some dark corner and get scolded. I think artificial video stimulation started when I went to America. The first memory of me M'ing to a video was just a YouTube video lol. It wasn't even porn. Just a video of a woman with huge tits which I normally wouldn't be able to witness in South Korea lol. Then when I came back to Korea, my brother actually introduced me to porn xD At the time I was just so horrified. I was like this is way past sexual and it's just like torture of something. After that I don't know when it started again, but one day I was just PMO'ing every now and then. For the past few years I have had instances where I was like let's see how long I can go without watching porn and in my memory, it has never ever passed a solid month. Now I'm serious about this thing and it isn't just out of curiousity but for a lifestyle change, so hopefully I'm never ever going to see that again (intentionally).

    Today: I woke up groggily and with negative attitude to even insignificant stuffs that were coming out as words from people's mouths. My focus was scattered and vision you could say was blurred and just overall tired. While seating down in the morning to try and study and get some things done, there were some uncomfortable feelings in my balls (?) area. Can't really be sure if it's exactly there but I'm sure it was somewhere around there. I tried to read my chemistry textbook but kept nodding off, so I went and took a nap for 20 minutes. However, it wasn't deep sleep or whatever. It was like surface sleeping. I knew I was lying down and closing my eyes but every now and then consciousness came and went and the 20 minutes were up. I felt even more tired. Felt like setting the timer for a bit more longer and "sleeping" more. However, a message that I got just that time from mom reminded me in my subconscious that life was passing me by whether I like it or not and I could go along with it or get left behind. It was a message about possible future TOEFL test dates and SAT test dates. I know some people would be like so what, but for me something clicked anyway. Then I realized that the feelings I was feeling was probably due to the PMO that I did yesterday, and that I gotta pick myself up and if I do, I will get back on track sooner than I thought possible. So I took a cold shower and got started with my daily rituals of things to get done. Then I remembered about the book The Slight Edge that this fórum recommend I read so I read a few pages of it and it instantly clicked with me. I love self-development so I listened to lots of stuff on YouTube by Jim Rohn and other "secrets to a successful life" videos. Some I've seen so much that I knew it by heart but didn't apply it consistently into my life for some reason. Then, I read the book and it was like it was summary of all the things I've been listening to and looking at all the success that people reported from using that philosophy gave me even more motivation for me to follow through for a long time this time. From what I've read so far, most of the things that I knew in some form or another, but the main thing that I think was holding me back was that practically nobody around me was "successful life" using this philosophy and they were all (maybe some are but not to my knowledge) living a mediocre life. Deep down inside me I didn't want to be successful and be left all alone. Was success really worth it if it meant losing the people who you know now? When they look at you like you're some new creature that can't fit with them, will it be worth it to achieve success? The adults are pretty receptive the idea of success and say you're so great for trying to achieve it while I feel as though my peers, who like instant gratification (playing games, spending most of their time on Facebook, and watching K-pop and other reality TV shows), feel like I'm different and I just want to be accepted as one of them and have fun with them also. Basically I had and somewhat still have a success barrier inside me because I don't want to be isolated. However, the thing that I need to know is that even if someone says that 5%of the population succeeds while 95% lives a mediocre life, that is still 350,000,000 people in the world who are successful if you suppose that the world population as 7 billion (it is 7.4 billion as of March 2016 so that means even more people who are successful). That's plenty of people to have a new meaningful social circle and live a fulfilling life at the same time. But finding them will be the problem. But I think that as you become more successful you will attract more successful people so that won't be a problem. The REAL PROBLEM is trying to ingrain this thought into my belief system. I'm going to explore this thought more further as days pass because I think this is the number one thing inhibiting me from releasing my fullest potential.

    I feel as though these are just getting too long and whether if it's okay for me to go like this. Oh well if I'm not allowed to do it I can just go delete it and continue with it in a personal journal right? Fuck I think I have a problem with seeking for others' approval other than being like fuck whatever they think. Maybe it'll get addressed as I go on through this journey. Anyway I think there might have been tiny urges today but I'm bombarding my mind with success videos and book material for it to have effect on me today. There's so many aspects in my life that I want to improve and one of them is regularly keeping a journal, so instead of the "Day #" meaning "how many days without watching porn", I'm going to make it mean how many consecutive days it's been since I started the journal. That way it'll have positive meaning. Assuming that I don't relapse. If that happens I'll just reset the clock again. But for now I think there's far chance from that happening. Let's see how it goes.
     
  3. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    Day 2

    Today's morning started out so-so. Last night I slept late watching YouTube videos about Tony Robbins and Jim Rohn. Maybe even the good thing seen in the wrong time might actually be not effective at all. Anyway because I wasn't able to sleep much, it was hard to get up. It might have been the tiredness making me not think too much about what my parents were thinking, but during breakfast I told them an incident that happened to my dog a few days ago with ease. Usually even when I try to tell my parents about something, my voice comes out forced and I keep watching them for their reaction. Maybe it was a tiny insight into the solution for my voice problem, but I'm going to keep observing to see what works more.

    After breakfast, I got to my recently made morning routine. Washing, Duolingo Spanish, Anki vocab learning, listening to coffee break spanish, Reading few pages (1 chapter) of The Slight Edge, meditating, and practicing more Spanish with a Spanish movie. There was some housechores to do inbetween, so when I was finished with the routine, the time was around 10:30 am or something. Then I started with my homeschooling. Deep inside myself, there was a nagging feeling that the morning routine just took too long and that the time has gone by too much to do decent amount of homeschooling. But I kept at it anyway, knowing that even though it might seem like that right now, if I just keep at it consistently, it won't matter that I started at 10:30. Thankfully, I studied "somewhat" diligently until 2:30 and found that I was worrying for nothing. Then I went to the gym at around 3:00 pm.

    At the gym there was a girl on the treadmill that got my attention. She had one of those huge shirts on, so that it looks somewhat like a minidress, and she probably wore really short pants so it was as though she wasn't wearing any pants. I dind't get aroused or anything. I was just curious to look at what her front side looked like. I mean what kind of response is that! I guess this is the result of habitually watching porn over a long period of time... My eyes kept going to her but I could barely recognize it as attraction or something like. Curiosity is the closest I think I can describe it as. Just felt numb looking at her. MY FUTURE SELF MUST READ THIS AGAIN WHEN DOUBTING ABOUT WHY I'M TRYING TO QUIT PORN. Even though you (I) think that porn has not disrupted your reality, and that you're fine, just look at what the observation of that woman revealed! It has already ingrained itself into your(my) brain without you (me) knowing it! That's why you need to quit porn okay?? It's not worth it! Have real human interaction instead! I know that you(me) don't like to go out because there are barely anyone your age around you but who the fuck cares!!!! Humans and humans whatever age they're in!! You must force yourself to go out again because you are numb to the enjoyment of human interaction! As you stay cooped up alone at home you're more likely to relapse so get out!!
    Okay now back to today. After having mixed feelings about watching that girl, I put that frustation energy into my workouts. Maybe I go too hard or something. After most workouts, I'm just physically and mentally drained 70% for that day. I do push, pull, leg Split.
    I notice that after workouts, when I'm extremely mentally and physically drained, I have trouble speaking to someone who's right infront of me. It sounds like I'm swallowing the breath back while trying to talk at the same time. A Little sound comes out but barely audible and shaky and somewhat rough.

    On Tuesday nights, I go to learn Korean traditional instrument called gayaguem. There are like around 5-7 people including myself most of the nights. Excluding myself, all the other people are female of all ages. From Little kids to old looking moms lol. I even have trouble speaking to the Little girls... whenever I say something it just gets muffled over by the gayaguem sounds while other people voices are able to be Heard without much trying. And it's just painful to see the look on her face when she's like trying to understand what I said because she probably couldn't hear it well. All I feel in the interactions with those females are just cautiousness. Even when I smile, it's just my face muscles moving and nothing moving in my heart. That's just messed up. But I have faith that with not watching porn for enough days, it'll all turn out for the better. I just gotta be patient and not relapse before that happens.

    Anyway, I had to do some more homeschooling stuff after I came back from gayaguem learning, but I'm just physically exhausted from the workout that I think it would be more productive to do more tomorrow and sleep early today. There are lots more that's on my mind but for now I'll leave it at that.
     
  4. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    Day 3

    Slept a bit late yesterday trying to make the post here. But it was earlier than the day before. That's what's important. Consistently making progress even if the progress is even unnoticeably small. So it was still hard to get up out of bed today.Even though I didn't mean to, I might have given off a pissed off vibe towards my family. Oh well, now that I know I can try to stop it next time.

    I changed the morning routine into the night routine because the main focus of my life right now was homeschooling not learning Spanish. And it worked out perfectly today. Even though I wanted to take some breaks in the middle, I knew that it was because I didn't want to do the work and not because I needed to take a break for my mind to rest. So I just kept on going till I finished today's tasks and homeworks.

    *Porn is an attempt at escaping the reality momentarily. However, I have found that I have another (not that beneficial) method of attempting to escape reality. It is through binge watching American TV shows. Thinking back, I can now see hours and hours spent on binge watching Pysch and feeling numb afterwards about life because it wasn't as exciting as the show or funny as the show. Now that I do recognize that as an escape, I will try to control myself on how many I watch a day or better yet I should just cut it out completely for the duration of the reboot. Yeah that seems good.

    Workout wise, today I had a good back workout. At first, my shoulders were sore as heck probably from yesterday, but with proper warm ups, I got it back down to managable. After that I hardly noticed the soreness. Progressed a little bit of everything since the last back workout :D Today there was another girl at the gym that caught my eye. She peaked my interest because from far away (lol) she looked a bit like one of my ideal type. But unlike yesterday, I could quickly get her out of my mind to focus on my workouts. What I've noticed at the gym that I go to is that there are plenty of people that look much buffer than me. However they don't have the definition. And on top of that 50% of them rarely do any compound exercises and if they do, 50% of them do them without proper form and with not much weights than what they look like they could handle (according to their looks). So looks aren't always what they seem.

    After that read a bit more of The Slight Edge . I realize now that it is important for me to read this everyday because this reinforces strongly the right thoughts that I have in the back of my mind and answers some questions that I have regarding success, and this in turn gives me more faith.

    *Oh yeah the thing that I noticed today is that there are just so many "triggers" on YouTube and American TV show watching sites. My mind tries to at least satisfy itself by keep looking at these, but I snap back out within seconds saying fuck and close whatever it is or make it go away. There's some struggle inside while I'm making it go away. I think there won't be not much problem in staying away from porn, but I think the real struggle is going to be staying away from those "triggers." There's a feeling like oh-man~ I could have seen more, and a bit of disappointment from having closed it. But after it becomes frequent, I'm guessing it'll just happen naturally without any disturbance inside me.

    Social wise normally I'm rarely the first person to call my friends or text them unless I have something I need. But I knew that I needed to get better socially, so I decided to put the Slight Edge to use here. I decided to just put one message to one of my friends asking how they were. Tomorrow I'm going to send one message to another friend asking how they are and encouraging them. Anyway that one message lead to a phone call with that friend for 44 minutes!!!! Wow did that feel good!!! She leaving for America in a few days for RISD, so she called me today! What a coincident! If I hadn't texted her, I wouldn't have been able to have that long talk with her. Good job man. Anyway during the talk I was pacing all around my room and my body temperature rose quite a bit and started sweating a bit. Sometimes my breath became shallow but other times it was relatively okay-ish. Felt my voice was slightly high. I think this is because of anxiety. But to good thing was that conversation flowed relatively flawlessly except for one time when there was one pause. That's good improvement. I asked a lot of good questions to her. But I felt that sometimes it was like I couldn't control how loud or small I was. It went randomly sometimes. Anyway after that conversation I was psyched for human interaction even though it was just over the phone.

    Now all I need to do is end today's post, meditate, and sleep. I feel like today was a really good day ;D
     
  5. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    Day 4

    Today was a relatively good day. Everything was push back a little bit because there was a bit more homework than yesterday but overall I made it. Still keeping consistent and having Slight Edge on my side. The daily structure I have set up seems to work good for now. There is no time for distractions. If I do get distracted and start on a wrong path for a little bit, I won't be able to complete one or more than one of my daily good habits. So today I had a feeling about wishing there was more time. There are just so many good stuff that we can be doing at any moment but there is only a limited amount of time. Maybe at the end of the week, I'll try to see if I can get some areas of my life more time efficient. Oh crap! I forgot about sending a message to a friend. I'll just do it after I finish since it won't take long.

    During dinner, that nervousness during speaking and trying to look for too much approval came up again. My voice was high shaky and not that much audible.

    Had a good leg day at gym today. After it ended, had a short but effective ab workouts on bar. Applying the slight edge to my workouts also.

    Like I mentioned above, there was practically no time for any urges to sneak in.

    Other than those facts, I don't think there is nothing special that's coming to my mind. Trying to write this post quickly, write a message to my friend, then sleep. Till tomorrow.
     
  6. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    Day 5

    Yesterday night I successfully sent a quick letter to one of my friends. After that I tried to sleep, but it felt like eternity was passing before I actually got to sleep.

    Today morning I got a reply from the friend I sent the letter to. She appreciated it so much and let me know that she did. (The reason I'm doing these is that all my friends are far away from where I live right now.) After looking at that I kept smilling spontaneously every now and then.
    Started the morning study a bit ealier than usual because I got up slightly earlier. It seemed as though the day was gonna be great. I don't know when it started, but ever so slightly I becoming a bit more tired. I just tried to keep on pushing through like I've been doing like the past few days, but the feeling was still present with me. Then I realized that this must be one of my "funk" moments in life. And that I've got to embrace it. I want to do that, but for now I can't seem to grasp what that's trying to mean to actually apply and see the effects. According to Jim Rohn, life is like the seasons and one of the keys to living a good life is that I've got to learn to hand the winters. So I went ahead and listened to some music that I like that makes me dance. Yeah it worked -- for a bit. Then I went ahead and read the message from the morning to get my smile back again. It came and went. Now that I'm talking about Jim Rohn and Winter, the ant philosphy comes to mind. the Anth philosophy: 1. Ants never quit. 2. Ants think winter all summer. 3. Ants think summer all winter (think opportunity in the winter) Today was like a mini-winter for me. Maybe tomorrow will be like today. I don't know. No one knows. But what I do know is that the good days are INDEED going to come. So I must not lose hope. These times are what makes the good times more valuable and enjoyable. So emotional wise I'm just so-so today, but I did get everything done that was necessary so I'm proud of myself for making it.

    P.S. I've been studying diligently for the past few days, and I've noticed that I've progressed a lot today. I'm nearing the end of my chemistry studies. Since it's nearing I should finish with a blast not slow down because I'm almost done. Even though it's tempting not to, push through it and that one push will mean all the difference. Have faith and execute! good luck man~
     
  7. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    Day 6

    Today I had a bit of a sleep in.
    Maybe yesterday, because I was frustrated with not being able to understand the concepts in chemistry well, that deepened my personal mini "winter." Anyway, other than just wishing that this concept was easier for me to understand, I wished I was better. Another Jim Rohn philosophy: Don't wish things were easier, wish you were better. So I stayed on the topic and reread until the concepts started to make sense and solved homework questions, tried to figure out why I got it wrong, try it on another problem, if that wasn't the reason why I got it right, figure out another possible reason and repeat. It was extremely time consuming. But what can I do. It's either this or get a bad grade. When I was pretty sure I finally got the concept down, I took the test and voilà! 100% !! When I saw that number I felt satisfaction for having gone through the rigorous task. And it felt like that nothing's impossible. With dedication, perseverance, and time almost anything is possible.
    But part of me felt conflicted since it took so long. I wouldn't be able to do as much as other days. But after some contemplation I came to the conclusion that if that time was spent for your most prioritized objective then at least it would be okay. Sometimes you won't be able to do everything that you want to because we all have 24hours in a day 7 days a week. You just gotta make sure that the most important ones get done.

    Other tidbits during the day: at the gym today, a man and woman got into an argument about something and it got pretty heated. Don't know what they were really talking about but I bet it was just some worthless thing that got on someone's nerve that day for a particular reason.

    I think i noticed that my brain automatically tries to make me feel sorry for myself for having to do homeschooling and be away from my friends (and not much human interaction) BUT the thing I MUST realize that it is a choice that I made. Not a choice that was made by someone else. And it is also my choice that right now I'm focusing more towards studying than human interaction and social circle building. I CAN do that and I WILL do it once the right time comes, but right now I've prioritized the studying because it's almost finished. DO NOT BE VICTIMIZED!!! You have the control on yourself. I believe because I was not mentally strong enough to pull myself out of this victimization, I felt sorry for myself and in order to try to hide from the reality at least temporarily, watched porn. But now that I see what's happening, I can take actions to stop it from happening. Always know that you are in control of your own life man!!! You are the captain of your own ship, author of your own book, etc. You can take the necessary actions ANYTIME for change.

    Feels like I want some intimate human contact. Maybe it's just an illusion of seeing an attractive woman but it just feels that way right now.

    P.S. loud places aren't the best place for my voice. It's harder to hear and my voice pitch becomes even higher. I wish my voice could BOOM rather than peep. I'll see what I can do.

    Even though came back home late from dinner with grandma, did daily duolingo, coffee break spanish, spanish movie repeating, reading 10 pages of The Slight Edge, and Anki vocab study. Now time for the meditation! :) Then sleep.
     
  8. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    Day 7

    Had a close call today. While trying to find an article written in spanish to practice my reading, I came across a picture of a topless woman. Surprised, I quickly averted my gaze and closed the tab. After that picture, all sorts of thoughts started to come into my mind. For example, one of them was that before, if I unexpectedly encountered q pitcture like that or worse, I would PMO later that day. And there were many thoughts like maybe I could watch one today. It's been a week. But freakin it just became too much for me to bare so I went to my room and meditated. That calmed me down a bit and made me able to look at the situation in a better perspective. I DID NOT even get a boner from the picture. NOT EVEN a slight movement. But my brain was thinking "arousal" because it was a habit so deeply ingrained in me that it knew that sooner or later I was going to PMO. And also I was like "am I so weak that I'm going to let some bunch of pixels destroy me?" So I successfully didn't PMO today yay. But truth be told, while I'm writing this, my brain is going back to my past experiences of porn clips and tempting me. Probably when tomorrow comes and I've got lot on my plate to occpy myself it'll go away, but until then I should sleep early and let tomorrow come quicker so I can get started with studying.

    I'm proud of you man for not giving in to the first temptation of your journey. May your encounters with the rest of temptations be the same (successfully defeated)
     
  9. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    Hey Zacharie,

    Congratulations for managing your STRONGEST urge in days!! Now you'll have grown stronger than before :) And thanks, I really appreciate it! ;)

    Day 8

    Even though I didn't PMO yesterday, today was somewhat like last week Monday according to my post. Maybe it has something to do with not being able to sleep much the past few days. Added with the fact the I went super crazy with my back workout yesterday, it's no wonder my body felt tired today :p But the good thing was that I handled it better than last week, even though it didn't seem like much. Because I couldn't seem to keep focusing on studying Chemistry, I switched the activity from studying Chemistry to reading 10 pages of The Slight Edge than back to Chemistry. After that I still couldn't seem to focus well, so I went ahead and meditated for 11 minutes and came back a little bit better. I lacked focus once again after a few more minutes, so I went ahead and took a nap for 20 minutes. This time I had on the eye mask so that I would sleep better ;D and indeed I slept waaaay better. It felt like an hour. However, in the dream, there were some disturbing images that popped up a few times that made me almost have a wet dream. I can't recall what it exactly was, but I definitely recall the sensation. For a few moment I was like what the fuck? But then I thought, 'it must mean I'm getting better.'

    Other than that it felt like I had lack of willpower compared to other days today. I think the fact that every decision (even the insignificant ones) affect everything else really come into play here. Looking back, yesterday night I slacked off and let loose completely when my brother had to use my computer for a bit because he was trying to fix his computer. I watched an hour long episode of a Korean TV show. Some might say that's not that bad. Yeah, in some respects that alone might not be that bad. But because of that, I slept later than usual, spent hours this morning looking around yourbrainonporn.com (when it could have only been a few minutes), watched a 45-minute length American TV show (suits), and thus lost even more self-control.
    Thank goodness that I wrote this post and realized what was happening before letting things get even more out of control. The 'Slight Edge' working against you is really subtle yet so powerful that it's a bit sobering.
    But before I could take a look back and discover the real cause for my lack of willpower for the day, I didn't realize this and I thought, 'why is today like this? why couldn't it get better than yesterday? why me? I didn't even PMO...' and carried that negative victim mentality throughout the day. Boy, was today a hard day to go through. Nonetheless, I learned much more today than other days when things were going good 8) and found a quote that resonated with me today from yourbrainonporn.com. Here it is:

    "Pain comes from within, it is not what happens to us externally that hurts us but our lack of accepting or expecting perfection from our lives & the people in it. We must learn to accept the imperfections, take responsibility & show self compassion in order to be happy." -ARS

    It's truly a liberating feeling knowing that you can take responsibility to change your life compared to the victim mentality I had a few hours ago when I gave that same power to external forces outside of me. So I will take the necessary step to make my tomorrow better than today (not wish for it to get better automatically). I will sleep earlier now :) Must be asleep before at least 10:30 MAX!.

    One step at a time.

    P.S. There's relatively fewer moments of my voice "choking up" or "shakiness." I used to do that ESPECIALLY when I talked on the phone, but today, just when I thought my voice was going to "choke up" on the phone, my voice came out okay! (taking on the phone with mom)
    P.P.S. However, after working out and really tired, my dad suddenly asked me somewhat negatively (according to how I felt) "why are you studying SO hard without any rest?" Then, without even looking back at him because I was somewhat annoyed, I said, "I'm almost done with studying!" in a high-pitched, panicky voice of mine and went back to studying. Well, at least I tried to study but I couldn't. I was pissed for a bit because it felt like he didn't want me to succeed. Looking back, I should realize that he's on the majority's side and just go on my path without much care about what he has to say because it's not going to do much for me other than effect my performance. It's going to be hard, but I gotta keep reminding myself! Stay Strong!!
     
  10. jk7

    jk7 not doing PMO is actually simple,but recovery from

    any kind of Recovery is pretty tough and hard as hell but the good news you have support to help you fight this addiction.
    keep making Journal and Stay Strong!
     
  11. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    Hey jk7!

    Thank you! I don't know about other people, but personally, I feel really great when someone comments here to share their experience or to encourage me. It really makes my day and pushes me further through the difficult journey ahead.

    Day 9

    Yesterday night I tried to sleep early as I said, but it felt like eternity before I actually fell asleep. This morning I had no morning wood. But other than that, I started the morning out with lots of energy. In my family morning situations, I'm noticing my voice problems are fading away gradually day by day. But I think it's far from completely near curing as I will explain later in the post. After reviewing quickly how I spent my last week, I decided I will not try to make the same mistakes and get to work. So I studied diligently in the morning and did some house chores. While eating lunch I listened to Jim Rohn's "Five major pieces to the life puzzle." It's amazing to think that what's been recorded in 1980s or early 1990s still have so much value up to this day. Even when he explains about the situations then, it's 98% the same as the situations that occur these days.

    Oh yeah, after lunch I took a Chemistry chapter test. Even though I thought I prepared enough and did what I could, I got a lower grade than I expected. Maybe it was because of the fact that I'm slacking off mentally because I'm nearing the end of the subject. I'm not sure.

    Anyway, because of learning to play the gayaguem on Tuesdays, it's gotten so late when there's still things I haven't done or things I need to finish (such as this post). But I'm getting sleepy so I'll have to continue this tomorrow morning.
     
  12. koolman

    koolman Member

    Good luck man

    I always feel lazy and lack motivation in doing things and being productive so it's good that's not happening to you that fact that your studying and doing useful things is good.
    I hope you continue relapse free hopefully.
     
  13. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    Hey koolman!

    Thanks man! Although my purposes drive me forward most of the time, but there are still moments when the laziness starts to creep into me too. It's just a constant struggle between doing what you're supposed to do vs doing what you feel like. These days it's slightly tilting toward the doing what you feel like side, so I've lost a bit of momentum on studying compared to last week. I could have, and should have finished chemistry by Monday, but now I'm dragging in out until tomorrow or possible (if I don't manage to complete it tomorrow) until Friday. It's a bit demotivating, but if I course correct every now and then, I know I will make it eventually, so can't complain much. We're all going to fall out of our paths every once in a while. But the important thing is to keep trying and learn from past mistakes.

    Day 9 (continued) - Day 10

    Yesterday (Day 9), I felt sudden urge to watch P again. I think it had to do with the fact that my self confidence was down a bit. It was down, because I wanted to be good at gayageum playing and singing at the same time but I'm NOT good at singing. If you add onto the fact that my weird, shaky, shallow voice acted up again because I felt nervous singing in front of my teacher other women around; it's no wonder I felt like a total disaster. Thankfully I was out in the street when the urge came, so I couldn't do anything to act on it. That moment I learned a valuable lesson in my journey to quitting P. Personally, I'm going to have the highest chance of relapsing when my self confidence is low or if I'm not in my "comfort zone" socially. Most of the feeling could be avoided if I just allowed myself to be imperfect. I mean who can be great at anything from the start right? But knowing it and implementing are two different things. I know it perfectly well, but when those moments come, my knowledge disappears and my habits kick in. So if that moment comes again, I should STAY AWAY FROM ANY ELECTRONIC DEVICES AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE for the day, and meditate for as however long it takes me to get me to stop feeling bad about myself.

    Today (Day 10), I think there's not much to tell. In the morning, forced myself to keep on studying as usual. Workout wise, I'm continually progressing every time, which is great. Social wise, I have gotten loose on it unintentionally. These days it feels as though I'm trying to give "meaning" to and find "lessons" from every little moment in my daily life. Sometimes I just feel energetically drained at nights, so I can't reflect well on the day. I should make little notes during the day summarizing key points about what I did and if there were lessons, what I learned from it. That should make writing these a bit easier and less time consuming.

    P.S. Oh yeah almost forgot, in the morning today, before I got up from bed, my wood tip felt like it was being stretched so much that it hurt. Not sure what caused it but I hope it was nothing serious. It went away pretty quickly after I got up.
     
  14. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    Day 11

    Fucking pissed as hell right now. Spent probably hours writing today's post, but it all got deleted because the site logged me out. It's gotten too late for me to start over. Realized these few days that my mood goes down along with the sun. Did not relapse.
     
  15. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    Day 12

    Hey Zacharie,

    You're definitely right. I think my willpower has been depleted during the day so much that it's affecting my emotions and view of the events that go around me. I'll read the books you recommended to try to manage my will power better. Thank you for the outsider observer perspective and the book recommendations! :D Hope your journey's going well without much trouble.

    Began my morning today with a 45 minute meditation! I dozed off sometimes, but I brought my awareness back every time I caught myself dozing off. I think I bit more than I can chew. I'll just increase 1 or 2 minute every week. This week will be for 12 minutes.

    Finished chemistry finally today (like I thought I would on Wednesday lol).

    Making lunch is quite a cumbersome task to do. Especially when you don't have much to work with. (Maybe this took a lot of my willpower away for today).

    After lunch, I didn't have much focus or ambition while reading The Slight Edge today. Also while listening to Spanish podcast, there was around 60% focus. When mom called today because my brother and I needed to choose the mode of transportation for getting to the Against the Current Tour in Seoul, I was somewhat irritated; when in fact, I should have been really happy, because my bro and I get to go their by plane (which is my favorite mode of transportation).

    In the gym, I felt extremely rigid and weak upon walking in. I tried to stretch it out, but it stayed during the whole workout. I think it's time for me to have a deload week. I used around 70~80% of normal weight, but it still felt hard and sometimes I felt like puking. For the deload week, I'll do bodyweight exercises three times a week. After I finished my workout, I had this though pop up into my head: wreaking your own health just to get to your goal a little bit faster is not worth it if you can reach the goal without wreaking your health even if it means taking a bit more time.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Just when I think I'm growing up and taking more responsibility, I notice I'm still not far from where I started because sometimes I have intense victim mentality without me being able to catch it. I was blaming my family's influence on me for ME feeling bad. Nobody can make me feel bad without me giving them permission to. So take the beginner's mentality and decided I'm going to take charge of my own life!

    And these days I noticed I have added useful habits recklessly and prioritized them to get them done (thus depleting my will-power at a tremendous rate, thank you again Zacharie for pointing it out. Might have took me weeks or maybe months to figure out what's wrong by myself.) I'm trying to create a worthwhile and healthy lifestyle that I can live in, so I should try to figure out a balance between the things I need to get done and my limited amount of will power.

    One of my big goal or aims socially: I want to be able to speak or act freely and comfortably in front of large amount of people

    I began using the check list method today for the things I have to get done.
     
  16. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    Day 13

    These days thanks to reading before falling asleep and using eye masks, I sleep deeply for around 8 hours before waking up from a vivid dream. I sleep at around 10:30 and wake up around 6:30. It has been quite scary sometimes because the dreams feel just too real. But after I wake up early than most, I feel refreshed, energetic, and ready to start the day.

    Started the morning with a great 12 minute meditation. It was a lot better than yesterday's. And thanks to Zacharie's recommendation, I looked up Kelly McGonigal, and learned some useful tips. And I also learned that she's a Stanford professor (or something to that respect) (which is great because that's the place I want to go to lol).

    And I'm almost done with The Slight Edge. If I read tomorrow or until the day after that, I'll definitely be done through with the book (the first time). At the back of that book, there's plenty of other book suggestions and some that Jim Rohn have suggested, so there's no problem with shortage of choosing good books to read.

    Now that I got chemistry finished, I only have US History left to study. There's a lot of reading to do in this subject. And I used to not like reading. I would lack focus. Now I just try to think of reading the textbook as one of my reading habits that I'm trying to create; that has helped a bit with my focus, concentration, and engagement on the subject. Since I haven't touched this subject for a long time, I'm going to review how the teacher use to give tests and how I should study first.

    Compared to yesterday, I had a bunch more focus during my Spanish learning habits.

    There was a dangerous moment that almost lead to relapse. During the afternoon, my parents went out to go watch a movie and my brother went out to go meet a friend. So I was left all alone at home. I don't know what about today that made it different, but my mind just kept considering P. I was like NOOO!! P is not an option. But that is the 95% of my mind. Somewhere in the dark corner of my mind, the 5% is trying to see light and grow it's size once again. I thought rather than watch P, I'd rather watch a favorite Korean TV show that I wasn't seeing. And that was good, because it got my mind off of P until my parents returned. Maybe it was because today was a rest day workout wise, and I had that part of the day empty. Oh yeah, when I had the urge, I came to this site to look at others' progresses and that helped a bit too.

    Like I said last night, I want to be able to be socially at ease (adroit), so I found a good resource site that I can refer to to improve my social skills. It's called www.succeedsocially.com. And I'm also going to look up many books around this topic.

    P.S. Just a few minutes ago, I had this sudden urge, and I was suddenly on autopilot. However, thankfully, instead of going to P, my hand clicked on a documentary about your brain on P at www.yourbrainonporn.com. I mean if it was for educational purposes and to strengthen my prefrontal cortex, it might have been worth it to watch the video. However, I recognized that I MAINLY clicked on the video because the description said it may contain triggers. Thankfully, I snapped back to reality and shut the video down surprised by the sudden take over of my subconscious mind. Ahhh, but fuck it's still on my mind. I should try a trick that I saw that site. Instead of resisting it, embrace it and imagine yourself going to the full extent. I'm trying to imagine that I go crazy because I'm horny as hell hahahaha.
     
  17. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    Day 14

    I can't believe it's already been two weeks since the last PMO ;D

    Yesterday night, I was really worried about my mind giving up and watching that P documentary. However, I got it to watch Kelly Mcgonigal's videos instead of what to do about urges. In there she explained about surfing the urge(?) or something like that. It was basically the same as the Ultimate Meditation Technique for Handling Urges written by TheUnderdog -> http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=29582.msg475957#msg475957. You mindfully watch the reactions that the urge has on your body without any judgement. Then, you breathe and understand that you do not have to act on the urges. The urges are going to come to you whether you're in Day 2 or Day 90, but what's also true is that they're going to go away, too. So after watching the video, I had another meditation session, just to relax myself before sleeping and put into action what I just learned. Then, I read a book about Elon Musk until 10:30 and slept.

    These days, I'm having dreams frequently related more or less to sex in one way or another. The feelings are intense, but I have not wet myself during the process yet. But something to note about the dream is that in it, the erections happen instantaneously, I prematurely ejaculate, and only a little bit comes out. Maybe it's because I'm a virgin lol.
    Anyway, after waking up, I do not have any urges to masturbate. Instead of feeling restricted for not being able to watch P or any pixels that will "arouse" me, I have instead changed my outlook to focus on enjoying the wet dreams when it happens hahaha ;D I'm not sure if that's bad, but it's going to happen whether I want it to or not and it somewhat "feels" good, so why not look forward to those instead of P. Just a thought. I mean being too attached to those could have consequences that might lead back to P. You just gotta find the right balance. Be "present" (I know you can't be present because you're sleeping, but just trying to mean get the most during the experience) during the wet dream and then let it go when you wake up.

    I really started with US History today. Thankfully I'm getting good grades and I can focus really well. But the problem is that it takes me way more time than it did with chemistry to learn the same amount of information. Studying it consistently won't be a problem, but the real problem is that I will have to give up some Spanish learning habit, so that I can do similar amounts that I did with chemistry so that I can finish US History by the end of the month. Or maybe I should wake up an hour or two earlier so that I can do the Spanish learning habits. I should try it out.

    Since I can't afford to waste any time, I think time will pass by more easily this month. However, there was a slight moment of danger when I was left alone at home again. I think being left alone at home and P has integrated itself together in my brain over the years that some temptations come. However, when I think of how much things I need to do, I just disregard it and go to work. And a cool thing I read on another post on this site: transferring all the sexual energy you build up with not masturbating and using that on other activities to fuel your productivity. Maybe that's why I am able to do things I have procrastinated for so long before I started this journey on no PMO. That idea's going to help me get over the hard times more easily knowing that there are other ways than MO to release all the sexual energy.

    Now I gotta get back to studying US History again. Feels like there's so few hours in a day.
     
  18. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    Day 0 (September 5)

    Had a relapse today and the day before.
    For some heck of a reason I decided to watch that documentary about the brain on porn. And it SURELY had a bunch of trigger... The warning was definitely there for a reason. I was holding in my urges while watching, but my heart started beating fast and my dick got hard and eventually I gave in. But after just like a few seconds into P, I PMOed. So that was it for that day. After that, I felt like resting at my bed because my head was hurting from way before I PMOed, but I thought even though I messed up a bit, it's not what happens that matters, it's what you do about it that matters! So I went back to the desk and finished what I had left to do for the day. It was hard at first but once I got in the groove, stopping was harder.

    I guess there were a few factors leading up to my eventual relapse. First of all, change in daily habits. I was used to studying chemistry everday and adjusted all the other schedule according to it. But now that I'm studying US history and that I'm uncertain about how long it's going to take for me to finish a day's worth, so I become uncertain about whether I'm able to accomplish those daily good habits. Second, my unwillingness to set up P blockers on my phone. I thought I would be able to handle myself well, but I have underestimated tue power of the urge.

    Now that I have relapsed, I feel as though my "power" that I felt with other people has disappeared. Going to make that "power" my drug instead of P.
     
  19. koolman

    koolman Member

    Ya don't underestimate man trust me. I know from many experiences. Just these last weeks I couldn't get passed at least two days for the entire month of August my highest streak of no PMO was 4 days. The rest were mostly 2's.

    That was because I just got a laptop and refused to filter it properly because of that I lost my old average streak of about 1-2 weeks. Which because of my underestimation and stubbornness dropped to 1-2 days as an average.
    NOW LOOK just 4 days ago when I finally said enough is enough I filtered it properly which was the post you saw. Now I'm already 4 days clean once I fall asleep I will be day 5. See the major improvement. Don't feel bad about filtering I heard a very smart rebooter say
    it's like you have a broken bone(PMO addiction) you need a cast(web filter) and some crutches(web filter also)if you want to not fall(hhmm relapse) when trying to walk
    (use the Internet). That anoligy helped me see the importance of filtering. When the leg is healed from the broken bone. You can remove the cast and crutches and walk normally again but that takes time and patience. So make the necessary sacrifices so you can succeed.

    BTW 2 weeks without a web filter is INSANE nice work your a lot better at this than I am. Also try your best to avoid triggers try to avoid looking at the documentaries and even pictures of attractive woman. Me I avoid looking at pretty girls on the street just because that could trigger me. So you know yourself avoid places on the net where you know you might encounter triggering material me I don't trust myself so I just Block the very website that could trigger so. You do what you know Is best.

    Wish you well Koolman
     
  20. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    Day 2

    On September 6, I went to see Against the Current live in Seoul! It was my first time ever going to a concert, so I was really excited. The thing that I didn't know about concerts was the amount of sweat you drop during the concert lol. I don't think I have ever sweated that much except during my workouts. Anyway other than that I had an awesome time singing along (actually more like screaming along ;D) and jumping with the crowd. Even though there were times when I went too far with my voice and it felt like my vocal chords were getting scratched, I felt so free and able to express myself which I haven't been able to do in such a long time. I wish I had some sort of a place that I could go to to scream my ass off and let everything go for free. I think it really helps with my voice problem.

    On September 7, I got on an early flight from Seoul and came back to my home. And I found a new book to read in place of The Slight Edge. It is called Happiness Advantage. So far loving how it's going. Even from the beginning it's very relatable. I went into a special high school where it's very selective. Up till middle school, I was usually on the top with some effort on my part. However, because many top students were gathered into that high school, I was not at the top anymore and no matter how hard I tried, I could not seem to get sufficient grades. So my self esteem took a gigantic hit that year. And because of difficulties with schoolwork and some roommate problems, I had a depression for 3~4 months. Around 80% of other students there also experienced depression during that same time. What I'm trying to say is that it's comforting to know that it's not just that school phenomenon but a worldwide phenomenon that occurs everywhere and that there's a cure for it.

    (September 8th) Really motivated these days to study hard. I start really early in the morning right after eating breakfast. And I keep on going until I get to end of that day's worth. Really feels good.

    Not much urges these days. I'm not sure if it's because I'm studying hard but days seem to go by really slowly. Maybe it's because it's not been long since I relapsed. I don't know. But it feels better than letting days go by on autopilot and wondering where all that time went.

    I noticed I had considerably less social anxiety when just going out to eat with my family today and my voice worked relatively fine around even strangers woohoo! :D

    P.S.
    Hey koolman,

    That analogy is spot on! I've actually sprained my ankle and had a cast on for few weeks before, so now I really understand the necessity of the filter. I guess I'll have it until I have gone like a year or two without PMO (hahaha such a big goal ;D).

    Another thing that hit the nail on the head is about triggers. My mind tries to twist some devious excuse for me to look at it. The problem before was that I listened to that part of my mind to see what it had to say. Now whenever even a picture of an attractive women come up or any possible thing that could be trigger for me, I'm just going to say FUCK OFF! I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY! IT IS NOT AN OPTION!

    Thanks for your advice!
     

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