I Need A Community To Help...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Guy_Stewart, Nov 2, 2012.

  1. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Active Member

    8&8

    Weekend over and it wasn't (of course) without its bumps...and mild frostbite. Alone with me and Dad, we left the wedding and a mile later had a flat. Pulled into the parking lot of a public park and proceeded to change the tire while the temperature continued to slide from -5 F to -8F (-21 C to -22). Two hours and lots of cursing and pain later -- and Dad offering to help then slipping and falling (he was already bending over, so he just sort of sank to the ground), it was change...and the spare was so low on air, I didn't know if I'd make it to the home and then home. I did, which was good. Tire's still low, but at least this AM it's above zero...

    Anyway, I got up this AM with plenty of time to PMO, and I want to start peeking, but I came here instead to let you know that I'm STILL here. Not a record yet, but after such a long time, I'm feeling comfortable with myself and my place in the world. I DID get shoutingly angry at Dad because he kept getting out of the car to "help", but that can't be helped. He drives me crazy more often than not. Mostly, I think because I see my own future in him and that's hard to come to grips with...

    Anyway, wife and I are going to get a AAA membership for ourselves this Christmas. That should help ONE problem!

    Later, my friends.

    Thanks for hanging with me. And hanging on to me.
     
    Zippy likes this.
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I have the biggest smile on my face reading about your triumph over your trials, Guy. I was there with you, in the cold, with your dad slipping on the ground as he tried to "help." You are doing so well, my friend.
     
  3. newleaf63

    newleaf63 Member

    glad to hear your update Guy. all my best thoughts
     
  4. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Active Member

    9&9

    I woke up today muddled.

    I am sore all over after the changing episode and last night took dad to the dentist -- the LAST thing I wanted to do. Also, when we got back to the apartment, dad wanted to rotate the mattress because, "I think the cat peed on the bed". I helped him turn it, but knew it was DAD who'd done it. He's having incontinence issues and typically refuses to wear the Depends or shields we got for him. His place isn't a nursing home, so no one helps him get dressed, but I'm sure that day's coming and I'm not sure what to do about it.

    As with all things avoidance, my reptilian brain want's to PMO to "make it all better". So today, I quote the venerable Barber of Saville: "...typical of a boy who has no confidence in the face of a man. Without P in my life, and now that I understand how that little boy has made shit of so much of my life..." I DO need to grow up inside of me. Outside, I'm an almost sixty-year-old man with an "invisible" porn problem. Inside...sheesh...I'm still a kid who loses his temper when Dad keeps trying to do things he used to do. I'm afraid of growing any older than I am. I'm ashamed I don't "love" my parents. I'm tired, too.

    But as someone pointed out once, after I PMOd, "There, that fixed everything, didn't it?"

    So, PMO is not the solution (WHAT????) Staying sober is the solution.

    Later!
     
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Taking care of parents, in-laws, sucks; plain and simple. But, P sucks worse. You are tough, you are resilient, you have grit, you are strong.

    Proud of where you are going, Guy.
     
  6. a short guy

    a short guy Active Member

    Awesome to hear you're not listening to the addict. Life is rough enough already. AAA's a great gift.
     
  7. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Active Member

    10&10

    Hey ATG(fasg)!!! Good to see you! Congrats on 100 days! DANG! I'm proud of you!

    So...today's rough again. Mostly feelings of ineffectiveness. We (the team I work with) try to coach kids along; yet they continue to choose failure over effort...

    Hmmm...I just realized that I'm INTIMATELY acquainted with that condition -- choosing failure over effort...

    Dang. Maybe my students trigger me because I SEE MY RESPONSE TO PMO in them. It reinforces my feeling that "everybody's doing it" and makes it "OK". The "it' in their lives is homework, school, etc. The "it" in my life is porn and masturbating to orgasm.

    But they have the same root: loss of motivation, plain laziness, fear, disconnection, distraction, helplessness...

    So...I'm constantly with kids who are choosing failure over effort and so my deepest mind thinks it's OK. It listens to THEM INSTEAD OF LISTENING TO WHAT I SAY TO THEM!

    Sheesh.

    Get a grip, Guy! (NOT on the dick! Get a grip on the emotions! HEAR WHAT YOU SAY TO THEM!)

    "Look to the future. Don't give up. I'm here for you. I can help. Come and see me if you need to talk. MAKE A PLAN! Hey, I see your grade is up in..."

    Thank you, my men. Writing brings clarity. And some of you may be muttering, "Oh great, he thinks he's got it figured out. Next comes the 0&0 post..."

    I don't think so this time...but I am not a genie. Just a man who realized that...YOU ALL are here for me. I can talk to you. I DO need to look to the future. I have a plan. "Awesome..."; "You are tough..."; "There, now PMOing fixed everything, right?" (Oddly, gentle sarcasm works for me...)
     
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I think you're assessment is right. People who don't wish to get better bring negative energy, which can be very hard to deal with. This is why you being healthy is not only good for you, but for them. Good news is infectious. I'm finding your energy infectious right now.
     
  9. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Active Member

    11&11

    Peeked yesterday -- which started accidental then started to slide into more...then I ran out of time and it stopped.

    Realized that at this moment, I'm primed to slide. Why? Not sure, but as someone said a while ago, IT DOESN'T MATTER!

    What matters at this moment is the "No." I came so close to PMOing this morning and realized that none of the tricks I'd thought up; none of the plans was going to be effective today.

    All I had left was, "No."

    No drama; no explanation; no trying to figure out WHY or what was going on in my head. Just, "Don't go to a porn site. Don't put your hands down your pants. No."

    So, this morning (sorry about the negativity, Saville, but in this case, I'm pretty sure you'd be with me! o_O)

    Today will be a Normandy kind of day rather than a Hiroshima kind of day. I will be slogging through the shit -- but I WILL to be slogging through the shit.

    Later, Men of mine...
     
  10. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Active Member

    15&15

    What can I say? I'm here -- I just realized that instead of keeping up on this thread, I went to other people's threads and commented...and now it looks like I "should" be reporting that "I'm back after a bender".

    But I'm not..."after a bender" that is.

    Yes, I have peeked a couple of times in the past few days, but I didn't rub it; I didn't PMO. And so I am here again. Just listened to my favorite Christmas song with just the tree lights on. For ME, this is the moment of peace: after the Christmas rush when the good is still fresh in memory and now all is quiet.

    I hope all of you had a blessed Christmas season -- note I didn't say "happy" or "merry" or "good". Blessings and joy are deeper than the temporary bump of happiness. I can weep for joy. I can be blessed in tragedy or grief. This season, I am deeply joyful. Not giddy. Not wild with laughter (though we did that yesterday despite this being the first Christmas without Mom and several of the cousins with other families or at work...)

    At any rate. I'm still in. Still...I won't say "strong", but I am holding steady and growing as I work to beat my addiction.

    Later, all.

    I love many of you!
     
  11. Nofapado

    Nofapado Active Member

    Commenting on other's journal is a positive sign.
     
  12. Zippy

    Zippy Member

    Keep slogging, and remember, curiosity killed the cat!
     
  13. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Active Member

  14. Nofapado

    Nofapado Active Member

    Oops.
     
  15. Zippy

    Zippy Member

    Luckily, cats have nine lives.
     
  16. a short guy

    a short guy Active Member

    You'll be back to day 15 and beyond in no time Guy! Yeah, Zippy, thank God us curious cats have 9 lives! And speaking of cats, it's time for a true story of a friend and her cat, with the moral being never give up.... even when all seems hopeless.

    When my friend (we'll call her Jane) was young she lived on a farm and had a black tomcat (we'll call him Whiskers) who loved her very much, slept with her, played with her, caught mice for her, did everything with her. Jane fed and took care of Whiskers. They had a wonderful life together, until....

    Unfortunately Whiskers liked to pee on things, often her father's things, and unfortunately Jane's father didn't appreciate it. One day while Jane was at school, her father gave Whiskers to his brother, who was on his way to the dump, with orders to "Get rid of it!" Well, uncle (we'll call him Bob) gave Whiskers a ride in the truck to the dump, a good 20 miles away. Bob unloaded his trash, lit it, then pulled out his gun and shot poor Whiskers in the head and threw his body into the fire. Then Bob got back in his truck and left.

    When Jane came home from school and couldn't find Whiskers, Dad played dumb; Mom played dumb - "Maybe he ran away or got eatin' by a coyote". Jane was devastated, very sad.

    One month later Whiskers shows up, walks right into the house and back into Jane's life. He wasn't pretty, a bit mangled, and his hair didn't grow in too well where the scar on his head was and where the fire had burned his body, but he was Whiskers.

    Whiskers and Jane continued joyfully where they had left off. Mom eventually told Jane the truth. Dad never mentioned it. Jane says he seemed superstitiously fearful after that, and stayed well away from Whiskers.
     
    Zippy likes this.
  17. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Active Member

  18. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    From the bottom, the only direction is up.
     
  19. Zippy

    Zippy Member

  20. i don't mean to sound flip here at all but have you thought about simply destroying the computer? moving it to a very public space? something severe like that? i'm not in a place where that's necessary for me right now but, damn, i've sure been there. extreme measures and all. there is a way forward, Guy....get creative as you need to. your desire for change is so evident and sincere...so it's not a question of will...it's a question of stacking the deck in your favor for success. 2017 can and will be yours man!
     
    newleaf63 likes this.

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