I Need A Community To Help...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Guy_Stewart, Nov 2, 2012.

  1. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    I am 55. I am married with two kids and two grandkids. My wife and I got married 25 years ago after I went through extensive counseling to be free from a homosexual lifestyle. Up to that point, my sex life was exclusively homosexual. Since then it has been exclusively heterosexual and entirely monogamous. My porn life is a different story. The porn use (as it seems for everyone else) started with puberty and has been exclusively homosexual.

    I have done reboots six times. The first was for over three months, though that was several years ago and I knew NOTHING of the Uncle Bob and Your Brain On Porn websites, which is how I found THIS site. Since discovering that site I have attempted to reboot seven times.

    But I have had NO accountability partner. I refuse to hurt my wife with this (she is an 18 month breast cancer survivor and still continuing to reover). I am desperate. I am beginning a reboot today and for the first time, I am reaching out to a community for support. This is VERY unnatural for me. I generally keep my thoughts to myself. Especially my sexual thoughts. But I have crashed and burned for the last time and I NEED help.

    So here I am. Naked before the men and women who have are successfully rebooting their lives.

    I am a porn addict -- a GAY porn addict -- and I am not in control of my life.

    I look forward to hearing from SOMEONE who will hold me accountable as I set off for 90 days (the longest time between relapses was 27 days, so I KNOW this is possible.

    I will also answer emails if someone here has had a similar experience and can act as an accountability partner from a point of STRENGTH.
    kropo82 likes this.
  2. Confused

    Confused New Member

    Welcome - Many here can provide support.........I think I could help (check my journal)........you have established what you want and need - start with that and build on it.
  3. Dangerous Dave

    Dangerous Dave I don't need a weapon; I am a weapon.

    If you want accountability, you'll get it here at YBR. All you have to do is ask. I will try to do my part. And I can be as tough as Chuck Norris when I need to be.

    Every recovering addict faces the demons in their own way. Everyone has their own set of triggers that they must recognize and avoid. I chose to see my reboot as a violent battle that must be waged every day. I originally thought I would be engaged in a terrible battle for months, if not years. Yet here I sit only 58 days in, and I have slayed every demon up to this point.

    I am a new man. I am larger than life. My mind is clear. My future is bright (and I am only 3 years younger than you). You have to realize that you too will be a new man with an amazing future and outlook once you put a few weeks of PMO-free living in.

    I suppose I am susceptible to a relapse, but the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual improvement I have experienced has been so profound and dramatic that I am literally in absolute fear of relapsing. I just do not want to lose the feeling that I now enjoy each and every day.

    You will feel so amazingly alive when you put a few weeks in. You will be keenly aware of everything around you. Everything will be so vivid, colorful, and alive. Your mind will be blown. Trust me on this.
  4. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    Thank you, gentlemen! I no longer feel alone! I know that sounds weird; in my head I KNOW I'm not alone, but the written contact all of a sudden gives me hope. It makes me feel like there's someone "out there" who cares enough to not only pay attention, but hold me accountable. Someone who will care if I relapse -- and someone to cheer when I don't!

    So thank you. It's only day 2 for me; I've gotten this far before. But I committ myself to reporting honestly and accurately what happens. Porn-induced erectile dysfunction HAS been a problem. I spent most of the past 18 months PMO-ing because my wife has been recovering from a double mastectomy and chemotherapy. We've made love twice in the past four months but it's mostly been because of MY fear (my KNOWLEDGE) that I won't be able to perform. P became my ONLY sexual release over that time, so now I need to stop. I NEED to recover. I've ALWAYS needed to recover, but now I NEED to...

    I know that doesn't make much sense, but knowing that there are people here who will hold me accountable is a deep, deep comfort.

  5. Dangerous Dave

    Dangerous Dave I don't need a weapon; I am a weapon.

    Keep making love to your wife. She's been through quite an ordeal and needs your love. Focus on that and I'm sure your own issues will diminish in severity.
  6. Laurynas

    Laurynas 300 Days+ Experienced.

    If you stay as enthusiastic as you are now - you're wife will be pleasantly surprised in no time;)
  7. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    Four days! While this isn't my record and I feel good, my glass ceiling comes in three weeks when I approach 30 days. That's why that is my first goal.

    I haven't had any weird symptoms or wild cravings in the past four days, though I have occasional flashes of "the wife's out, I get to SURF!" have happened. But I've found something else to do instead and glide past the temptation.

    I will need this community MOST (not that it hasn't been good to be here up to now!) when I start staring down the 30 Day Dragon's Throat. OTOH, I'm going back to work today and being in the presence of horny teenage boys (and girls) in a high school always tweaks my resolve. I will need resonable resolve to keep my mind on my work every day -- though it's not a constant problem. Just when I use the rest room. Anyway, that's another story no one here needs to know unless they ask.

    So keep me in your thoughts and THANK YOU for simply BEING here!
  8. Confused

    Confused New Member

    stay strong, stay focused.............and stay busy - you're doing good!
  9. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    OK -- first day where my resolve is tested. MO'd in the shower this morning. No porn thoughts, it just sort of happened. Not planned; not sensual; just done in a few seconds...so I'm going to keep my days since PMO this one time 'cause that was a fluke. I almost never MO'd in the shower in the past.

    I considered not writing anything. Ignoring it. But what's the sense of having a community if I don't REPORT what happened and then -- if not take a tongue-lashing from someone here -- then at least know that others are going to hold me accountable and that my behavior ISN'T A SECRET ANY MORE?

    So there. Thank you all.

    If this happens again, I will reset the counter.
  10. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    Yep, yep, yep...I got what I deserved -- at least it feels like it. I fall and no one responds. Hmmm...I will continue. Day six -- almost a week since I looked at porn of any sort. While it's not a record, I haven't even "peeked" like I have in the past, so this is good for me.

    This WILL be the last time I start the reboot.

    This WILL be the beginning of a long, long life free of porn and MO.

    "This will be the start of something BIG!"
  11. Dangerous Dave

    Dangerous Dave I don't need a weapon; I am a weapon.

    You already admonished yourself for MO'ing, so why pile on? It's over. Learn from it. You can't do anything about the past. Just remember the feeling of disappointment so you will stay strong the next time you feel tempted.
  12. Confused

    Confused New Member

    Don't be too hard on yourself - learn from it and don't lose sight of your goals.......I think you're doing great!
  13. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    OK -- first stirrings of what I call the PACKAGES PLUS+ stage -- and what you gentlemen would recognize as the VICTORIA'S SECRET stage.

    My reptilian brain is JUST wondering if it would REALLY be a bad thing if I just looked at some pictures of people in their underwear. Cuz, you know (says the reptilian brain) that's not REAL porn. Nobody's NAKED and nobody's really DOIN' anything...right. So a little look see won't REALLY be looking at porn...

    OK -- it's out there, so now I can look at it and tell myself the truth: that's where it always starts. A little dopamine jolt -- just a little one! Nothing major! That little jolt makes the downslope slippery, and (no matter how LONG it takes...a day or a few weeks) then I'm on the tobaggan ride to hard core hell.

    So this is just to SPEAK the words of encouragment to myself and let the reptile know it's being WATCHED!
  14. Dangerous Dave

    Dangerous Dave I don't need a weapon; I am a weapon.

  15. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    Dangerous Dave: Not ONLY did that communicate a message my retilian brain needed to hear -- it made me smile, too! A rare and precious combination!
  16. Confused

    Confused New Member

    Keep always smiling...........that and a good sense of humor is best form of therapy.......I think it's big part of taking control of your life and getting back into the real world.

    You're doing good - keep it up!
  17. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    The strangest thing happened this morning...I was getting ready for work and lokng forward to log in here -- when I suddenly realized that this is going to be FOREVER. No porn forever. It's BEEN part of my life since I was 12 or 13 -- THAT'S a long time. In the past, I've gotten off of porn with a sort of thought that I'd stay off "until". There was never any clear idea of what "until" was, but every time, I slammed back into the PMO habit "when".

    It seems strange to be thinking (even THINKING) that "until"...well, to coin a phrase: "Until the tweflth of never, and that's a long, long time".

    Another thing I realized, too: "will power" or "won't power" has little to do with staying off of porn -- IT'S A BIOLOGICAL RESETTING OF THE BRAIN CHEMISTRY. When my brain is rebalanced, "will power" isn't an issue. Any return to pornography, masturbation and orgasm would be a CHOICE. A choice to screw up my brain again.

    This is all kinda scattered, but the THOUGHTS are new. Brand new. So I'm proccessing as I write. Thanks for staying with me, men. Thank you!
  18. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    Huh. I know what THIS looks like -- that I fell off the wagon.

    But I didn't! I'm in the "dead dick" phase right now, but that's all right as my wife has a horrendous cold and she's in therapy for lymphedema. Did I mention originally that she's an 18 month breast cancer survivor? Diagnosed in March 2011, it was bad enough that she had a double mastectomy and five months of the strongest chemotherapy they could throw at her? That's when my porn-semi-habit became a hardcore addiction. I started to fight it a couple of months ago and now here I am -- and I haven't even done any Victoria's Secret! I'm really pleased because this is the FIRST time I ever tried a support group. Reading the posts, the struggles and about the victories has HELPED IMMENSELY, so many thanks to you whose journals I've read and who have posted on my thread.

    I AM going to make my goal -- and BEYOND. I will set up a new goal as soon as this one is done. 90 days, probably, if not more. We'll see.

    Thanks, men!
  19. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    It's strange, but the last times I did a reboot, it seemed to go FAST. I did track the days, using physical hashmarks in a notebook.

    But THIS time, it seems to be taking forever. Since August (BEFORE I joined the forum) 1:

    4 days to relapse
    20 days to relapse
    17 days to relapse
    15 days to relapse
    6 days to relapse
    18 days to relapse

    For ME, it helps to count. At 12 days, I've beaten my self twice.

    This may not be good for some -- but I've been a science teacher for 32 years. Numbers help me. And knowing people are keeping an eye on me.
  20. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    No responses may mean I've weirded too many people out with my journal? Don't know.

    What I DO know is that yesterday and today have been a struggle -- flashes of porn that excite me before I can even turn my thoughts off.

    I will NOT relapse!

    Do I hear any "amens"?

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