I have been trying to quit for 4 years , really need to kick this addiction

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by hopeforchange, Jul 22, 2016.

  1. hopeforchange

    hopeforchange Member

    Last night I had some cravings for porn but instead of relapsing I went to bed. I dreamed about me on the verge of relapsing. In my dream I as peaking but then I was able to stop before cumming and turn off my PC. It's just a dream ofcourse. I also had a sex dream and it didn't involve festival girl or C. Today I had some urges as well and I know that in the back of my head I'm already thinking about relapsing. I don't know how to stop this. But at least my willpower is holding up for now.
  2. hopeforchange

    hopeforchange Member

    Last night I dreamed I was relapsing. Last time I dreamed I could stop. This time I couldn't. So that is bad. But I hope my willpower will be enough when I'm awake. I'm not MO 'ing at the moment so that maybe I'll be able to cum next time I have sex. So that's probably one of the reason I have more cravings. My brain is still wired to crave porn instead of real sex. I hope that if I keep having sex (be it with viagra) this will change.
  3. Dylan1234

    Dylan1234 Member

    Dude I feel exactly the same.. I feel like relapse is inevitable but I know that it's not. I feel a relapse is coming. But if we can just make it through here and now it gets easier. I guess nofap is like a crap job, you don't want to do it but when you've finished a days work you know you're at least doing something productive and you're building up for your future. It's rewarding. But it's also hard and requires dedication, work and detachment from your emotions to an extent. And it's certainly not about immediate gratification (staying home instead and watching Netflix or something lol) .

    I know PMO is very very appealing and even the slightest thought of watching a naked sexy woman makes me want to relapse so bad. But it's a pleasure that personally leaves me empty; spiritually physically and emotionally. And I feel regretful and ashamed for giving in. We owe it to ourselves and any girl we meet in the future to become The best version of ourselves. So let's get it!

    Anyway that's my rambling on it. Don't relapse man.
  4. hopeforchange

    hopeforchange Member

    Yes I have same point of view. Today's generation is used to instant gratification because of the technology we have. Binging tv series, porn but even just the dopamine rush you get from texting with people from the safety of your home. You don't have to go out and learn how to make a real connection wth people, learning skills etc "the building to your future" you talk about. This requires effort, building skills can take 10 years or more and it's that stuff that gives you long term happiness. It's rewarding, you feel yourself getting better and you can see how far you've come. This is completely different from the instant gratification that doesn't last.

    I hope you are right and abstaining get's easier over time. But I think just like any other addicts you'll take this with you the rest of your life. Always having to be aware a relapse can happen and if you do relapse, pick yourself up again instead of reverting back to your old habits. But yes I guess the difficult days get further and further between.

    Thanks for the support, I really do appreciate it! Good luck to you as well.
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2017
  5. hopeforchange

    hopeforchange Member

    I had a good weekend. For the first time I actually felt something having sex! In the beginning it was kind of the same like always. I thought I wasn't going to cum. I almost gave up but then it still happend. Then the next morning it felt good and I could cum easily. Then a few hours later I could cum again! Such an improvement. It must have something to do with no MO'ing the past month. Now I feel kind of drained. I probably wasn't ready for 3 orgasms but it isn't by far as bad as when I relapse.

    I think in the beginning you should MO. Because it's just too difficult without to abstain from porn. Then afterwards reduce MO. Stopping it completely if you have a partner, and you can manage it without. That's what's working for me at least. I feel like I wasted the first few years after I found ybop by wanting to go 3 months without MO but couldn't and then relapsing to porn instead. The other difference is that now I just go for girls eventhough I have ED. And therefore have someone to rewire with

    I was also talking to another girl in a club. I wanted to kiss her. It was definitely possible but her friends we're leaving before I made a move. I should figure out what I want from festivalgirl because it's not fair to her if I would see other girls as well. She definitely wants more although we actually haven't talked about it.
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2017
  6. hopeforchange

    hopeforchange Member

    I needed a place to crash and I was close to festivalgirl so I asked if I could sleep over. Because it was quite spontanous I didn't have any Viagra. So I had sex without. My erection quality was pretty weak but having cummed 3 times last weekend has a lot to do with it I imagine. I didn't have decent morning erections neither all week. O'ing puts me in a flatline like I've heard it does with other people on this forum as well. I could get a good enogh boner for penetration but it went soft inside, I went down on her, got more of a boner because I think it's hot having a pussy in my face haha and her moaning (fake or not I don't know but at least it turns me on). Then I went in again. I could cum easily if I wanted to. I was going soft again so I decided to cum. I went soft immediately after. I could feel it. I might be developing some kind of PE. To test it I rubbed my dick for a second and if I continued I would have orgasmed with a flaccid penis. This is the complete opposite of the delayed ejaculation I had until last weekend. This journey is a rollercoaster alright...

    I canceled a date with her this weekend because I don't feel ready, big flatline. I hate I have to do this and have to lie about why.

    I have an appointment with a urologist soon But I have no idea what I should tell him because it's all so inconsistent. ED, DE, PE. sex without viagra , sex with 2 viagras doesn't work. All opposites. My explanation will be all over the place. He'll think I'm batshit crazy haha. But at least I will be able to rule out a physical cause.

    I'm not quite happy with my sexual health but because of this journal I can look back and know that a year ago I would never have thought to have come this far. It's been a good year
  7. hopeforchange

    hopeforchange Member

    On friday I relapsed. and then the same evening I relapsed again. I was on the point of just MO'ing instead to kill the urge, but then somehow I convinced myself I really wanted to see porn, that it would be great... and the first moment are I'm shaking and horny in a way I don't have with a real girl. And then after a while it doesn't become that exciting as before and after I cum it just sucks and I'm like why the fuck did I do this, I've done it so many times before, I know how I will feel afterwards.

    luckily I only kept it to 2 O's with porn that night and got back on track afterwards. But still I just have to make it a habit to MO whenever I feel urges, afterwards I'm good again.

    The reason I didn't binge for a longer time is definitely the fact that I will have to perform this weekend...

    The plan was to try without viagra this time but now I think maybe it's not a good idea.

    The week before my relapse I went to a doctor , told him about my ED problems, and got myself checked physically and I'm perfectly ok. what I expected but I wanted to be sure. He said it has to be psychologically. I didn't tell him about my porn addiction. He gave me a number of a sexuologist. If I would make an appointment I will ofcourse tell her about it. I just didn't see the need to tell the doctor. I will try this again on my own first though because for the last year I have been having streaks of 2 months or more so I'm definitely doing better as before.

    I also noticed I have no idea how to be in a relationship... what activities do you do with a girlfriend???? some help here would be appreciated! Now we always just eat something together and then have sex. She is an active girl with a lot of hobbies. I'm just trying to improve myself on my own, I'm not that social, I know what to talk about on the first few dates, just getting to know eachother that's easy but afterwards I don't know what to talk about. Tell her about my week I guess but it's quite dull because I work most of the time so there is not that much happening. Maybe it's just not the right girl and it is supposed to be really easy. I think my relapse has something to do with it though, I was just starting to enjoy sex damnit
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2017
  8. Dylan1234

    Dylan1234 Member

    DUDE i've felt this so many times

    Ummm yeah eating is a big thing for me with my girlfriend.. it's cool to go to different restaurants and try new food. We go on spa breaks where we stay over somewhere, go cinemas, see landmarks, go walking somewhere, see live music.. you've gotta find a girl that at least shares a few interests as you though lol.
  9. hopeforchange

    hopeforchange Member

    @Dylan1234 Thanks for the advice. I met with my girl last week. I had a good time like always, I don't know what I was stressing about. I'm going to give it a try with this girl for real now. I'm not really in love but I do really like her.
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2017
    jerryson likes this.
  10. hopeforchange

    hopeforchange Member

    I relapsed again after 2 weeks, not doing as good as I though. I already noticed a big difference in erection quality when having sex with my girl after the first relapse. Now it will be even worse. I don't know what to tell her. I'm not going to tell her about my porn addiction I think. But I don't know what to tell her, she thought it happend at first because I was nervous. That can't be the excuse now. and I'm seeing her in a week. Fuck. It would be easier to break up with her but I do want to give it a shot with her and I wouldn't have an explanation for her which would hurt her even more.
  11. hopeforchange

    hopeforchange Member

    Fuck relapsed again on 11/14. Which makes like this least the 4 relapse this month. So I officialy ruined the progress I made. I took me a year to het here. I was almost cured. And have a loving partner. What am I going to tell her? She has already noticed the difference last time we had sex. After more than 5 years it seems like I'll never be cured. My self esteem is so low right now.
  12. Dylan1234

    Dylan1234 Member

    Come on man. Get yourself some boosters and have some hope. I recommend warrior bulbine Natalantis (natural test booster), Maca powder and pine bark extract. Or one of the three at least. Everyone messes up, it’s what you do now and will do in the future that counts.

    Relapsing again solves nothing and makes everything worse, even if it feels like relief cos you’re down
  13. hopeforchange

    hopeforchange Member

    Thanks for the support man! I relapsed again yesterday. But now I will get my shit together, I managed to do it before, and I'll do it again.

Share This Page