How can i accept my ugliness ?

Discussion in 'Social Advice' started by Hadoken, Aug 4, 2016.

  1. Hadoken

    Hadoken Member

    Today i realised that all my problems, porn addiction included, come from one source: my appareance.

    I reached a point where my choices does not reflect my dreams and desirs, but what i can do to be accepted. And i tried everything, really, but i always face major obstacles, i swear it's not a loser excuse.

    I started to workout, and then discovered that i have a gynecomastia, a fast metabolism, AND a scoliosis, so everytime i pick up some weight my scoliosis become worse, my back hurts, and EVEN if i train anyway, my muslces aren't symetric.
    I started to wear good looking clothes, they're suppose to attract attention, but when you are ugly, it's useless.
    I grow up a beard, put glasses, made a nice haircut... meh still ugly.

    Result : I don't go outside, always with my shitty old laptop, which of course increase the porn addiction.

    And it's kinda funny how i tried to be optimist no matter what, i always said to myself "it's going to be better after just keep up", but today i just want to accept it, i want to stop focusing so much energy on things i dont want to do and won't change anything anyway.
    And you know what ? Sometimes i do, i stop worrying about my looks, and focus on someting else, but everytime i go outside, and experience : people avoiding you, or when a girl thinks she is doing me a favor just because she is talking to me etc... this rage of wanting to change come back and i, again, start waisting energy and money on things that i know won't change anything.

    I'm not living anymore, i'm giving up my religion slowly, and everyday i,unconsciously, do things that escape me from reality, like sleeping all day, videosgames, and of course, porn.

    Sorry for the bad english.
     
  2. Londoner

    Londoner Active Member

    I'm sorry I don't have any advice to offer, but I can certainly empathise. Have you been diagnosed with depression?
     
  3. Hadoken

    Hadoken Member

    Of course.
     
  4. Londoner

    Londoner Active Member

    What treatment are you receiving? I'm hopefully going to start therapy soon and what you've written above would probably be a good starting point for an expert.

    This is definitely your imagination though. Your thoughts are running away from you because you have no way of seeing the other point of view.
     
  5. bucketter

    bucketter Guest

    go look up a rapper called ugly god. in fact i'll link you the music video
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzpZov-VFLk

    this dude is still getting women, this dude is out here in a music video licking the boobs of off women that are clearly way better looking than him.

    dude good looks only get you so far. i'm fortunate enough that I've been blessed with good looks. going from what people tell me, I'm told i'm aleast around a 7.5 in looks wise, and I'm currently modelling and my job is the only place where looks really matter. I used to be real shy growing up and I remember girls would always say I looked good but after the first conversation wouldn't talk to me again, why? because I was shy and boring and no women wants that no matter how good looking you are. I've got women friends that would vouch for that over and over again.
    if you want to hear more guys say the exact same thing just search it on reddit there's a thread i'll link to you
    https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/2ghsb8/physically_attractive_guys_does_reddit_exaggerate/

    good looks only make the first step easier, after that we have to work just as hard as you to get a girl

    having good looks only makes the first step easier
     
  6. Clips4Souls

    Clips4Souls Member

    I find it hard to believe your "ugly" considering you were made. you must look like your parents, and they found love and/or hooked-up, and had you, right? you need pride in your lineage. you need morals virtues and strengths. no one is downright ugly as beauty is relative to the beholder. (the person judging another's beauty) so there is always a pool of women that will find whatever you look like, attractive, quirky, cute, interesting... the fact is, it doesn't matter WTF you look like, because once you're with a girl that cares about you & has fallen in love with you, your physical traits BECOME attractive to that girl.

    You really need to work on ego control. It sounds like your identifying with thought much too much when it comes to judgement, self-image, self-worth, etc. I recommend you look up the teachings of eastern religions when it comes to the ego. Perhaps buddhism. I don't mean you need to BE buddhist, but I think you would benefit from learning a bit about your ego. I can recommend the book "The Power of Now" but it is a bit esoteric in it's delivery, albeit a great book on ego control.

    good luck kiddo. u aint ugly, trust.
     
  7. himmelstoss

    himmelstoss Member

    My cousin had scoliosis. He's a kickboxing instructor now
     
  8. Amaris

    Amaris Member

    Do the best you can with what you have.

    Be calmly confident. Dress well. Work on yourself.

    Don't put Women on a pedestal. Most of them are brutally average without fakeup (aka makeup)

    Best of luck brother :)
     
  9. NovoElevation

    NovoElevation Member

    Just going to the gym alone, is not going to fix your back problems. If you have bad motor/movement paterns, like using too much your back muscles instead of a good proportion between your back and glutes, you will even enhance your pain. Like on militar press, you can be using too much your low back muscles, no doubt you will have even more pain.

    Google Bret Contretas and low back pain. But short solution, stretch your hip flexors and strenghen your glutes. When doing hip thrusts, do it slowly and concentrate your power on the glutes and avoid using your back, this is important.
     
  10. clint08911

    clint08911 New Member

    I think your being pretty hard on yourself, I have never seen you, so I don't know what you look like, but there are some people who aren't as attractive as others, but remember that is just one small part of your life. I think this may be one of those things where you accept what you can't change and focus on what you can. I would focus on bettering myself in ways that I can control, expand your education, grow in your career as a job, learn a musical instrument, travel and explore the world. The founder of alibaba one of the richest companies of the world is nicknamed E.T. Cause he looks so much like him. Looks are just a sma part of life and you shouldn't get so caught up in it. Also don't compare yourself to other people, if you wear nice clothes don't focus on why you don't look as good as someone else, but focus on the fact that you look better than if you were wearing crappy clothes. As far as girls go, remember that society is a lot worse on girls who aren't hot, don't focus on getting the hottest girl you can which is propably not interesting in any way and sucks in bed, but focus on girls who offer more, as you date some of the other girls your confidence will grow as well. Good luck
     
  11. ChrisHaven

    ChrisHaven Member

    I'm just going to be straight up with you since this is a public forum.

    All excuses.

    Workout:
    Gynecomastia can be fixed with surgery. If you cant afford it, dropping your body fat will help you look better. Diet.
    Scoliosis: Wear a brace. Yes, you'll face challenges, but there are plenty of guys with great physiques- even bodybuilders with scoliosis.
    Fast Metabolisim: So what? I have a fast metabolism too. This means you can pretty much get away with eating food most people can't. You'll just need to eat more than other.
    Muscle symmetry: Again- so what? Its your genetics- if you really want to build your muscles, wear a brace, do corrective exercises and build the best body you can. Your physical appearance is what it is- make the best of it.
    Face aesthetics: Who told you that you're ugly? The mirror? I guarantee you that it mostly in your head. Easiest way to look better for men is to reduce their bodyfat- this will bring your bone structure. Unless you have some weird twisted skull, your cheekbones, jawline, etc will show improving how you look dramatically.
    Find out what type of glasses suit the shape of your face.
    Find out if you look better with a beard, a goatee or clean shaven.
    Wear fitted clothes- not nice clothes- but clothes that fit. Don't look for validation or attention from others.

    You also have low self esteem- based on your comments about how people perceive you outside.
    Make working on yourself a project- give yourself three months:
    -Gym
    -No PMO
    -Learn a new skill that will build your confidence.
    Read "Getting over your But" by sean stephenson.

    Dude is like 3 feet tall, in a wheelchair, fragile bones and still goes on dates.
    Sounds like you got hit with all these "issues" and they have set you back. Its temporary, brother. Take stock of what you have, see the positive in each and make the best of it.
     
    slonek24 likes this.
  12. Wabi-sabi

    Wabi-sabi Imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete

    The reason why men have an easier life than women is that we're not judged on our looks.

    Who cares if you've got a face like a bag of spanners?

    Other than you, that is. And, really, it's only your porn addict brain which has built this up to be an excuse for staying home and fapping. I'd like to get clean but there's no point because I don't look good, and you can't change that. It's a lie.

    You must have heard people talking about someone who isn't photogenic. What that means is they are a plain person - the camera don't lie - that everyone thinks looks good because of their attitude.

    It's not about looks, it's about confidence and charisma. Both of these are learned skills. Confidence is the art of not giving a shit, and charisma is just the process of making other people feel good about themselves.

    I'm a seriously skinny guy and thought I was physically repulsive - but that was just my excuse for not trying. I've found that improving my posture, forcing myself to make eye-contact and spending a lot of effort to learn social skills has turned things around.

    I'm still skinny. I've started gaining muscle, but not so much people would notice. . . but enough that I feel better about myself.

    When I'm confident and smiling, people like talking to me. When I'm down and staring at the floor I might as well be invisible.
     
  13. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Consuming porn distorts our perceptions, values and social presence. Quitting porn can help us in many ways that we're unaware of when we start out.

    Before rebooting I was always looking at guys' crotches in public because porn features men with big dicks and I was obsessed with being the alpha male. I don't look at guys' crotches anymore (thank god)- and my ego is not invested in "who is the alpha" interactions any more. I used to check out attractive women in public all the time but I have trained myself not to and now I don't (it still takes some presence of mind/willpower sometimes). After about 12 months clean I also stopped looking at myself in the mirror- I don't know why- it just wasn't important or interesting to me anymore.

    These ideas you have of yourself and others will start to change when you get rid of porn.

    The other thing that getting rid of porn and fantasy does is it brings you into the present moment. There is some talk about superpowers and "kavorka" (Seinfeld) that you get after a long time clean. I have experienced some of that, but there's little doubt there's a difference in the energy or presence of a guy who is fapping on a daily basis and a guy who is in control of himself and able to look people in the eye, without shame. Being in the present moment also means you pick up subtle cues from women you miss when you're "checked out" (in the porn haze).

    Women do look at appearances, but they also tend to look beyond them. Some recent research showed women value kindness above any other attribute in potential partners. If you're below average in the looks department (like me) there are still ways to impress and attract women. Getting rid of porn would be a major step forward. If you want to attract someone who looks beyond skin-deep, you need to be on the wavelength of those people who do.
     
  14. pieterarons15

    pieterarons15 Member

    If you believe you are ugly and can't get girls that is the reality... But if you believe you are worth getting hot chicks you wil get them.

    its self fulfilling prophecy
     
    Londoner likes this.
  15. coyote

    coyote Active Member

    Man, how old are you? You are EXACLTY like me!
     
  16. Livetolive

    Livetolive New Member

    coyote likes this.
  17. JohnSpace

    JohnSpace New Member

  18. HerrOin

    HerrOin Member

    I don't mean to be an asshole here, but I got to tell you what i feel. Looking good is not that important. Easy for me to say perhaps who is good looking and has a good looking girlfriend, but it is still true. If you are a woman it is much more important because men are more visual in their attraction.

    If you are bad looking, do the best you can with what you have. Uglier people than you have gotten laid. I know people that look more of a Oger that dived their heads into a pizza, and yet somehow still they got laid. The trick is to have a compensating factor. You can develop an exceptional talent like a nobel-prize winning brain neuro-surgeon or an world know artist, professional athlete. Otherwise you could become the president of an affluent country or just be a regular dollar-billionere. If you achieve any of these you can be ugly as hell and still get women that look like Natalie Portman.

    However if that fails you can just stay some what employable, hygienic, physically fit and have some sort of goals and aim in life that you actively work for. Once you have that together with some social skills women will be attracted, because you are on the way to something and women find that hot. Your girlfriend wont look like Rosie Whiteley Huntington, but once the lights are out you wont see what she looks like anyways.

    So pull your act together and get shit done.
     
    Londoner and pieterarons15 like this.
  19. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    from my experience as someone who was handsome , then ugly , then average - it's better to have 0 sex with women and 0 relationship, than only have it several times per life.
     
  20. Antonio94

    Antonio94 New Member

    I think I can relate your problem a little bit. To some extent I can say porn and gaming reflect your true wish and desire. Let's imagine when you're disappointed in real life, in this case is about your appearance. It doesn't mean appearance alone, it relates to your love relationship, friendship, making new friends, and even sexual relationship. When we feel tired of real life, it doesn't mean all of these desire for relation is gone, it persists and it will drive us to follow other alternatives. And really, really sad that gaming and porn are perfect for that. In gaming and porn, we can imagine, and this is dangerous, Imagination. In gaming, we can live in a different world, a world which we can be hero, we can be handsome, we can be lady-killer. In porn, we can imagine having sex with girls we want to do it. And that's wild, I mean it felt so good, so fantastic. And look at the reality, it's bad, and why we want to live in that sad world anyway?
    I used to be in the similar situation. It's hard to describe how things worked out for me, but I guess I have to give thanks to my high-school and college friends. I've met many people with various troubles and pains in their life. I and my friends shared our stories and we understand each other. And gradually, I can't explain it in words, but gradually our life, real-world life, started to become more balanced and better. The bad side of us are still there, like porno addict, looking bad, appearance shame, etc... but it's like we accept that. We accept all of those bad things, it doesn't mean we will just let them be, we want to change them and we know that we can change since there are comrades who can help us and we're alone in this.
    I don't know how to give you any advice, but I think I can understand your issue. And so the best thing I can do is wish you luck and I believe someday you will meet good friends who will help you, just like me. Good luck!
     

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