Girlfriend of someone who struggles with Porn Induced ED?

Discussion in 'Women' started by worriedgirlfriend, Mar 22, 2017.

  1. worriedgirlfriend

    worriedgirlfriend New Member

    Hi, so i'm going to try and make this as short as possible. My boyfriend has PIED. I'm not really sure how to start this but i think the most important thing to address is i don't really understand it although I am really trying. (Please read until the end, will make more sense, obvs!)

    I've been with him for about 4 years, we have a good relationship all in all. He has only recently told me about this PIED (About a year ago) he has which although i was annoyed he took so long to tell me, i did understand. In the back of my mind throughout the relationship i did always wonder as to why it was difficult for him to get an erection. Some days it was fine, other days not so good. I felt/feel like i have to go the "extra mile" for it to happen, for a long time i thought it was me. Even now, a year later and although i know what's wrong with him it still really hurts when it "doesn't work". I feel most women would feel the same to be honest.

    The porn he is into is Femdom/Humiliation porn. When i said earlier about having to go the "extra mile" for him to be erect. It would be something such as sitting on his face etc, it would be something that he watched on porn, which i knew turned him on, which to be honest is annoying sometimes, it would be nice for him just to get horny normally if you get me?

    I always wondered (before i knew) why he never felt fully erect, or why he was masturbating so much. There was one time i stayed at his, he dropped me back home the next morning, i was literally gone for an hour, he came back to get me and during that time he masturbated, I just remember thinking "this isn't fucking normal?". It really did affect our sex life, when i wanted sex he wouldn't because he already had an orgasm, he never understood at the time what was wrong which was so frustrating also.

    During the past year of me knowing he has told me that he wants to "reboot" himself and obviously i agreed that was a good idea and that i would stand by him through everything. The first time he tried he lasted a week and PMOd. Then tried again and the same thing happened. This went on for quite a while, i'd say a good couple months of that circle. He then started to lie about it. So he would do it, but he would delete his history, say he hasn't when he had and i felt like we were honestly getting no where, I was trying and he just wasn't. he couldn't even be honest, atleast if he was honest i could trust him, talk to him, just try and help in any way. No matter how many times i said not to lie, he never listened. We gave up for a while and just went back to having sex. Then broke up for about a month or so. Got back together and this time it was his idea to reboot and he has been doing this for two months give or take. He said he hasn't been watching porn at all, i have looked at his history, and that's how i would find out before and to be fair there is nothing but i still don't believe him to be honest. I said to him "If you're honest we can get through it, if you're not, then there isn't anything i can do. So just tell me and we can work it out and move on." along those lines anyway. So i do feel as though he understands it's better to not lie. Is there a way i can tell if he's been PMOing, there doesn't seem to be any improvement apart from maybe some sensitivity has come back?

    This time we are having sex during the reboot is that bad? But not much progress, he is still struggling. he was amazing for a while then suddenly got bad again. I think that is why i thought he relapsed again.

    Has anyone had sex while on a reboot? Still no porn.

    Any other questions, please ask

    many thanks
     
  2. Mendoza

    Mendoza Well-Known Member

    Hi there,

    And welcome to the board! There are very few women (if any) at the moment on the forum, so I commend you for the courage you summoned to post here.;)

    I personally have not had sex while rebooting, but there are plenty others here who have (are). I'll let them weigh in on how that's impacted their PIED symptoms.

    I wish I had a ready-made solution for you, but to be honest, there are way too many factors that can contribute to dysfunction that it would be impossible to pinpoint the one that addresses your boyfriend's problem. Chances are, if he's honest about his recovery, he's probably already a member here. If you're not sure, you could casually hint that you 'discovered' an online community of PIED fellows (lol!)... and direct him here. But one thing you absolutely must give up is the idea of controlling his actions. You cannot police him, as that is none of your business. You can't ensure whether or not he's been on this XXX site or that... because the motivation to stop must come from within. But where you can act is on your decision to stay or leave the relationship. And that will depend on how the dynamics of the relationship unfold. The inner voice will inform you... and when it does, listen to it.
     
  3. Naruto558

    Naruto558 Member

    Does your bf have this fetish from childhood? If he does its because of childhood trauma. Hug and hold him close, let him know you love him as much as you can.
     
  4. Naruto558

    Naruto558 Member

    However if it's not there from childhood then it's just a matter of escalation into more hardcore porn. IN This case just have him go through 90 days
     
  5. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Hi WG.

    And welcome. I have not had sex or orgasmed during my reboot but have heard certainly some fellas say that orgasm can set them back (regardless of whether they have had PIED, specifically). Its also said that healthy, connected sex is crucial in the later stages of recovery. Everyone is different, though, and unfortunately we're all just fumbling our way through as best we can.

    Listen: I second what Mendoza said about his behavior being beyond your control: he really does need to be doing this for himself (even as part of his motivation would hopefully be to improve the relationship you guys have).

    If he is serious, I would (if I could) encourage him to check out YourBrainOnPorn.com and to seek some support around it, either at an online forum like this one, or elsewhere. It's a powerfully insidiuos addiction and if he's trying to do it alone, I'm not surprised he's struggling (there's fellas on here, seemingly commited to the process, who relapse many times before they get a good clean-streak going and they have the collective wisdom and undying support of the rest of us to draw from!).

    For you, I recommend Reboot Nation. Its similar to here but with a great community of women who understand from personal experience what you're going through. From what I've read, they are well versed in the nature of the addiction and are immensely supportive of each other. It's worth reading the blokes stories, too, as, if he decides to get serious, it will give you an idea of what your fella is up against.

    Much love to you.

    And good best of luck.

    Peace.
     
  6. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Hi WG- i am in a long term relationship and rebooting.

    There is another explanation for the sex suddenly getting bad again, aside from him relapsing to porn- his libido could be flatlining. It is very common for guys to feel amazing for the first 2-3 weeks of the reboot, but then go cold- they just don't feel like having sex. Many guys freak out at this point and "test" to make sure everything works which can often lead to relapse. Depending on the severity of the addiction (and any number of individual factors) the flatline can last anywhere from 30 to 250 days. I think the best thing you can do for him if/when he is in this state is cuddle, be close to him, touch him without any expectation of sexual response. If he wants sex then being with you and "rewiring" to the real thing may accelerate his healing, but often the addict's brain needs a period of abstinence or downtime before it begins to be properly aroused by real women again. This is normal and actually a beautiful thing.

    I don't want to freak you out but my libido for my wife only really returned after 400 days clean. We had sex intermittently during the reboot (once every 5-6 weeks) but after 400 days we were having it every week. It was the best sex of my life, better than PMO to be blunt. I second everything Billy said about him joining a forum (reboot nation, here, nofap) and getting support. There's a lot of wisdom out there and there's no need for him to discover it all for himself. Some good journals to start with here are jebu and Wabi-sabi.

    Also, relapsing is often a necessary part of the reboot. It might look like weakness from the outside, but each relapse can teach us something. I relapsed after 420 days clean- and it taught me that a) the addiction is for life, and b) the importance of making broader changes to our lives and thought processes.

    It sounds like your man is trying to do the right thing. Good on him. He'll find support here.

    Good luck to you both,

    ANM
     
    Billy B. likes this.

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