Farewell happy place

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Living, Jan 31, 2018.

  1. Living

    Living Active Member

    Since my last slip urges have been managable. While there have been times when I had a really hard time not giving into porn again after PMO, right now that's not really worrying me. What is troublesome however is how I feel about giving into porn. A month back I felt a lot better than I did in a very long time. I was proud about the steps I made, confident about how things were going and content with myself in general. About three weeks ago started going a bit downhill. I had the injury I mentioned, the demotivating assignment, work hours that affected my sleep and meditation in a negative way and some more stuff. So it's fair to say that I already felt worse before I slipped. But the thing is when I did slip I felt so bad about myself for doing so, I became even more insecure, agitated, stressed. It affected my work, my thesis, my relationship and my social life in a negative way. Hence: last week and the start of the weekend sucked pretty bad.

    On a rational level I can handle a slip pretty well: I understand that it's just a slip and that all I need to do is get back up and move on. However, on a more emotional level, I still find slips pretty hard to deal with. And this is something that I really should be working on. I don't think a slip needs to affect me the way it does. Slips will happen and there is no reason that as a result of those my feelings of selfworth should plummet. The progress I made does not suddenly dissappear into oblivion and in the long run I'm still moving on in the right direction. Right now I don't really have a clue how to handle that other than doing things that are easier said than done. One of the things that might help me is sticking to my meditations even when I have less time for those. They affect me in a very positive way and keep me more balanced, so especially when things get a bit more tough they are an important tool to keep moving on.
     
  2. gavney

    gavney Member

    The important thing is that you're making progress. It might be 2 steps forward, 1 step back, and that's fine, as long as you continue on that trend. If you get to a stage where you're happy having a 7 day no PMO streak, then relapsing, then starting again, relapsing after another 7 days for months on end etc... THAT is a problem and it could be a sign of setting the bar too low for yourself.

    I understand though that other aspects of your life can make things difficult and relapsing becomes more attractive. But you have to find a way to deal with those problems that doesn't involve PMO

    Relapses are fine but the ultimate goal should be no relapses at all (and I'm speaking to myself as much as anyone here!)
     
    Living likes this.
  3. Living

    Living Active Member

    I fully agree and I think this is or should be the essence of every reboot. However that's easier said than done. Especially under circumstances that I don't deal with on a regular basis I notice that I still find it hard not to fall back into behaviour that I have been ingraining for decades. And besides that: PMO is effective in ways other ways of dealing with my problems are a lot less effective. It's effective in the same way heroin is effective (short-term and definitly unhealthy), but it's effective nonetheless. Perhaps it might seem by saying things like that I am justifying my slips, but to make things clear: I don't want to 'deal' with my problems by using porn anymore and therefore nothing can justify a slip. I accept that occasional slips are likely to be part of the process, but that does not mean that I allow myself to give in to slips. So as for your last line: we are totally on the same page:)
     
  4. Living

    Living Active Member

    The last one and a half week have not been going as well as like. I haven't had another slip, but I have definitly been slacking. Watched some images, watched some porn, did not go all the way, but that doesn't really matter: unwanted behaviour is unwanted behaviour. So I've decided to start counting days again to get back into my course from before the slip and get some momentum going for 30 days or so. Rules are clear: no porn, no looking for images with the idea of getting a buzz and no MO. So today is day 1. Here we go:)
     
  5. gavney

    gavney Member

    I was doing similarly last week. No PMO, but I was still occasionally watching porn out of boredom and to give myself a bit of excitement. I haven't watched any in 5 days and have to say ive felt better as a result. It's torture looking at porn really. It's like working in a candy shop when you're trying to lose weight!
     
    Living likes this.
  6. Living

    Living Active Member

    Day 2: yesterday went fine. Ofcourse Captain Hindsight wonders why I didn't do this one and a half week ago:) Well, it's a lesson for a next time.

    @gavney: It's like working in a candy when you're trying to lose weight and stuffing yourself with sugar-free candy saying to yourself that you are doing perfectly fine because you don't indulge in loads of sugar:) Sometimes we need to rephrase to ourselves just why we are doing this.
     
  7. gavney

    gavney Member

    Yes, even better analogy, I like it!
     
  8. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    I totally agree too. PMO used to be our shelter. The very moment we get some bad news and we feel bad, we seek refuge in P. Same as alcoholic guys. Drinking to "feel better", or to "forget". But after our PMO sessions the landing is tough. Shame, decrease of self-confidence etc... We all experienced those feelings. One should manage his problems like a man. This is life. We had, we have and we'll for sure have problems. Rushing to PMO will only increase our bad feelings toward ourselves.
    A few years ago, while my father was still alive, but at the hospital (he died then from his cancer, two years ago), I went by train to assist him. The night after, in a hotel near the hospital, I felt very bad because of his health state. A few minutes after, I started a PMO session.... I wasn't aware then that I was an addict etc etc.. You can imagine the terrible feelings I felt. I told myself: your father is dying and you watch P and masturbate!! Which kind of monster are you?! Are you heartless?
    Then I discovered my addiction, this forum etc, and all made sense now.
    We're here all together to succeed and live better lives without this poison
    Keep going on.
     
  9. Living

    Living Active Member

    @Outsider. : I have been in similar situations and I can understand your thoughts at that point. I think the really bad thing about it is that we don't allow ourselves to deal with these important situations. Feeling sad, angry etc have a function. We might not always want to experience it, but nonetheless it's something we need.

    Day 5: the weekend went well. Friday I handed in the first draft of my thesis, which was kind of a big deal to me and a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuge step. I know I'm not there yet, but right now I can at least see the finish line. It makes me feel a lot better about myself:)
     
    cjm likes this.
  10. Living

    Living Active Member

    Day 8: things have been going fine. It's really curious how things can change around in just a few days. Ofcourse it's due to both cause and effect, but I think that the clear step with clear rules I made last week has definitly made impact on how I progress and how I currently feel in general. Sometimes it's necesary to splash some ice cold water in face and get remind yourself of what you are really trying to achieve here. I do notice some urges, but overall I'm pretty much back to the point before things went downhill halfway may.
     

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