Farewell happy place

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Living, Jan 31, 2018.

  1. Living

    Living Active Member

    Thanx! I installed Leechblock so I can block all internet on firefox when I want to be productive.

    Thanx for your words:) Yeah, it is ridiculous and yet, at that moment we think it's the best thing to do in the world. It's funny how that works. It is defenitly something that I should get a grip on though. I fully agree on the effort part. That has been a major part of my succeses in the past. As you can see in my previous post: effort is what I need right now too:)
     
  2. typicalme

    typicalme Member

    Hey, sorry to hear about the relapse, but if it helps you get closer to the "porn is not an option" mindset then you're still making progress!
     
  3. Mendoza

    Mendoza Well-Known Member

    Of course none of us should be watching anything sexual because our brains are already cued to it from years of watching and masturbating to pixels. So we reboot to un-wire from sex with a computer screen, THEN re-wire with a real-life partner, or so the theory goes. You can un-wire and re-wire simultaneously but I believe it's a tad harder to accomplish. You can check a member's journal, 40new30, who has so many insights about this.

    As far as 'Why do you watch those pics anyway'? That's part of the work you must do with yourself. What calls you to those pics? Is it anger, desire for stimulation, wanting to alleviate stress? Could it be different reasons every time you relapse? Investigate and accumulate those 'excuses' and reasons on a journal (or here). If you climb up to the root cause, you'll find that watching sexual imagery is simply one way (the easiest way) to fulfill your desire for whatever emotion. Not the only way. But as I said before, our brains are cued for immediate stimulation to porn because that's what we learned to cope in the most efficient way (with the unfortunate collateral effect of creating an addiction). Your job now is to identify which activities, hobbies, projects, sports, music, etc can you use to achieve the same 'high' (of alleviating stress, dealing with frustration, wanting stimulation) that you would normally get with P.
     
    Living likes this.
  4. Living

    Living Active Member

    Yeah, ofcourse it's a pity, but then again: with years of stowing away anything negative with porn I didn't really expect things would go flawless. Although right now I think that I should have easily seen this coming (some of you actually warned me, which I happily ignored) I didn't really pay attention to it. Ah well, sometimes it's necessary to fall flat on your face to get where you want. It was a nice lesson.
     
  5. Living

    Living Active Member

    Thanks for your reply! About the rewiring after the reboot: I don't think I have a lot of choice there:) I'm in a relationship and sex is part of that. Plus I have done it before and it didn't really hinder me. In fact I think it actually helped me to some extent. What might make a difference is that I don't have PIED, I 'just' flee to porn when I don't feel as happy as I would like to be. It's the way I cope with negative emotions. The question I posed behind the * was not really intended that way either. It was more like a sarcastic comment at myself meant like "if 4 days ago I decided to not let porn keep me from the things I want to get done, then why would I justify looking at sexual images for a couple of days?" I do appreciate the time you took for your elaborate answer though. Those are indeed important things to find out for everybody struggling with this.
     
  6. Living

    Living Active Member

    Day 1. Ofcourse I feel rather stupid about the past week, but then again: I'm actually happy that I realized that I did my reboot in a very non-productive way within 5 days. The rest of yesterday was fine. I felt motivated, did not really have an urge to watch porn (had a slight urge this morning) and actually was very productive (which is most important to me). I'm hoping to keep this up. I don't really have a goal in terms of days, but when it comes to getting out of my habit I think 2 weeks would make a huge difference.
     
  7. typicalme

    typicalme Member

    Way to get back on track. One important thing that you've done is not to let a single slip turn into an outright binge — the "as long as I'm resetting my counter I might as well go crazy now" mindset — so good job on that. Sounds like you can definitely manage two weeks (at least!).
     
    Living likes this.
  8. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    That it does. For me, that's when the days stop crawling by and start flowing. Urges become easier to deal with as they get banished into a dark corner of the mind; I think it gets easier to recognize urges since they aren't there 24/7 anymore.
     
    Living likes this.
  9. Tea-man

    Tea-man Member

    It's funny but I tend to get urges with an absolute vengeance every 2 weeks. It was strange, if I had crazy fantasies I would guess that meant I was 2 weeks in, or 4.. and was usually fairly close. But yes, stay on track, and resist the idea that small streaks don't matter as much as long streaks. I think a smaller goal like 14 days is great because if you're aiming for 90 it's easy to quit after 5; but if you're going for 14 it's nearly halfway
     
    Living likes this.
  10. Living

    Living Active Member

    Thanx guys! And @Eternity : I fully agree. In the past getting past 7 to 9 days made you huge difference to me. I'm not that familiar with addiction literature anymore, but I do remember there was some research done that actually showed a shift in cravings after 10 days or so. I really haven't got the clue what the research was about, but I believe it was often brought up here, so some of you might know what I mean. But besides that I really want to get to two weeks because I think that's a big step towards breaking a habit and training willpower. I also agree with @Tea-man that taking smaller goals might be a lot more motivating. I'm not really aiming for 90 days anyway, I just want to get the grip back on my life whether that takes 10 days or a 1000:) In my previous reboot after a while I always found it relatively easy to reach 3o days or so. I want to get back to that stage again. For now that's the main goal: breaking the habit and training willpower. After that we can see about giving up porn completely:)

    Day 2: yesterday went well. No porn, no serious urges. Sitting down and writing my thesis without having my happy place to run to was kinda stressfull though. It might take some time to really learn to deal with that. Ah well, every journey starts with a single step:) Today I do have increased urges. It's not like I really want to give in to them, but they are there and they rather annoy me.
     
  11. Living

    Living Active Member

    I guess that in part is the benefit of living with a partner. There is simply no way I could just go all out like that:)
     
  12. Living

    Living Active Member

    Day 3: when I mentioned anticipating on watching porn last week, this was defenitly one of the days I had in mind. My GF is away for the entire day, so running to my little world of hot looking sluts seemed like a wonderful plan. It would totally mess up some other plans, but who cares? Luckily I care:) One of things I've learned from my previous reboot is that it's these days when the battles are fought. These are the days that really matter and make a difference. And guess what? I woke up horny as fuck. Although I have decided that I'm going to take care of my problems, part of me still thinks it's the best plan ever come up with to masturbate to some good old porn for hours and hours today. Luckily however, a larger part of me thinks that's a rather retarded plan. So today I'm gonna fight...and win!

    Yesterday went fine by the way. Had to work most of the day after all, so I had little time to distract myself. I noticed some urges, but right now I take those for granted.
     
  13. Living

    Living Active Member

    Have to say that today is a tough day. I defenitly have urges. Part of me doesn't really understand why I should not give in to those. I think most of doesn't really understand actually. It's like one time and I should be able to control that, right? Just maybe an hour in my happy place. Only thing I can hang on to is the believe that if I don't give in in the end I will benefit from it and the knowledge that it will enable to sleep better tonight. Tough it is though.
     
  14. Living

    Living Active Member

    Day 4: so in a way yesterday was tough, but in another it wasn't. I defenitly had urges to escape to porn most of the time but I knew that I could just sit it out. Afterall, there wasn't really a reason to give in accept escaping. Now escaping might sound like I have hard times, that reality is really a pain in the ass. Funny thing is: it's not actually. I have my problems, but my everyday life is far from bad. I life in an awesome house with a big garden, have a girlfriend I love being with and even though my job isn't steady, I seem to be able to get around quite easily. But still I have this idea that I need to escape to my happy place every time I feel bad/down in a way that has become totally ridiculous. Escaping every now and then isn't bad (forgive me for I read fiction), but the things I escape from hardly make any sense any more. It's like I softly bump my toe and I feel the need to remove the 'pain' with porn. I need to learn to accept again that feeling bad is part of life and that it's good to experience those sensations too. If I escape to porn every time I feel slightly uncomfortable I won't get any further in life. Being aware of all this makes is actually relatively easy to stay away from porn. Of course I know I can stand these uncomfortable feelings, I can probably even deal with some serious pain. This makes me motivated and determined. I might fall flat on my face every now and then but I'm really determined that I can get the grip on my life back.

    Today was rather easy so far. No urges and no opportunity to watch porn.
     
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  15. Living

    Living Active Member

    Day 5: yesterday went well: no time, no urge. The same seems to hold for today and probably tomorrow too. So things are going smooth right now:)
     
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  16. typicalme

    typicalme Member

    Hey Living, just catching up on your journal for the last few days and really impressed with your resolve. I definitely agree that we need to learn to tolerate uncomfortable and painful feelings—that's part of being an actual adult, and it's also the only way we're going to be able to see if/how we need to make changes in our lives. Keep up the good work!
     
    Living likes this.
  17. Living

    Living Active Member

    Thanks! I guess it helps that I have been through this before and that I'm pretty aware of what the problem is.

    Day 6: same as yesterday. Doing fine:)
     
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  18. Living

    Living Active Member

    Day 7: today is a bit of a challenge. In the last 7 days only 2 days were days where I actually had the chance to PMO and although I did get through those days, it will take a lot more of these days to really break the habit of fleeing to porn. Today is defenitly one of the those days. I'm on my desktop working on my thesis and a few weeks ago that for sure would have been one of those days where I would run towards porn pretty much as soon as I started the computer. As I can't really avoid this situation right now, I try to work on changing things so it's not the exact situation anymore (as in altering the cue). I have mentioned creating a different morning routine and opening up the curtains before (that's really a very simple statement to say "I'm not going to PMO today"). But there have been other things too. I also use a 'tomato clock' which helps me to stay focussed. Still: I woke up with urges and have more sexual thoughts than the last few days. I guess this takes a bit of time. Would be nice to be better able to handle this though:)
     
  19. typicalme

    typicalme Member

    It does take a bit of time! But it sounds like you're handling it well. I like the "tomato clock" idea, especially if you're getting up and away from the computer after the focused work periods. I also find that it's useful to give yourself some sort of (non-porn) rewards for getting stuff done, even if it's just a walk around the block or a fancy coffee or whatever. Keep up the good work!
     
  20. Living

    Living Active Member

    Thanks @typicalme! One of my problems is that I have the tendency to not cut myself some slack...ever. What happens is that I'm way too hard on myself. One of the results of that is that because it's impossible to keep up at a certain point I give up. There have even been times when I wasn't even motivated to start because I knew I could never keep up to my demands. Both of those instances have become a very good reason to give in to my favorite waste of time: porn. So the tomato clock is defenitly something that I need to learn to work with. And I do spend the off-minutes away from my computer as much as possible: I read a couple of pages in my book, make some tea, watch the birds in our garden* or take a walk in the park during the longer breaks. I find it hard not to pause, but I really need to get that into my system.

    Day 8: pornwise yesterday went fine. I found it managable to stick to my tasks and actually got some important work done. I did have a setback in another field though. Was rather pissed off about that yesterday, but instead of trying to push that away with porn I ate Ben and Jerry's and some really fine chocolate with my girlfriend on the bench while we were watching some episodes of a funny drama show. Not indulging, but sometimes that's just what you need:) It did affect a sleep a bit though. When I woke around 5 it was on my mind and pretty hard to let go, so I was awake quite a while. Today I would really like to solve that issue, but due to circumstances I have to wait at least a week before I can do anything about it. Instead of being pissed off, I'm actually rather motivated and determined though. So that's a really good thing. In fact: it is probably good this happened right now because due to my reboot I feel really really motivated in general. It might have had a different on me two weeks ago.

    *There is this female black bird in our garden that terrorizes all the other birds. Everyday I scatter a couple of hands of bird food and some apples on the ground and she actually spends way more time and energy in chasing away the other birds than in foraging. To me et seems like a very ineffective way to get through the winter. She even attacks these big wood pigeons by flying at them like a bird of prey. It's both fascinating and funny:)
     

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