Experience, Introspection & Growth

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by brandnewself, Jan 2, 2016.

  1. brandnewself

    brandnewself Member

    Happy new year everyone.
    I don't want to make this post "a new year resolution" since things don't change abruptly just because of that. It comes naturally. Yet I still want to have a new post just to feel more "fresh". I got almost 30 days in December but eventually I failed. I've been trying all kinds of methods and now I know what the traps I usually set for myself are.

    1. Naively believing that I'm recovered once I reach 20+ days.
    2. Assume my mind will always remain clear and calm regardless of my physical and psychological condition.
    3. Too many goals without an executable plan causes confusion, and makes me even more aimless sometimes.

    The reason behind all these is my insecurity. Seeing a lot of young people pursuing their dreams makes me feel really bad about myself, I can't stand with the fact that I don't know how to deal with my life. So I felt really stressed and wish I could overcome porn addiction and get my ass on the track the next day. Totally wrong mindset. Were it so easy, it wouldn't have been called an addiction in the first place.
    Some people know their dreams too well and are willing to sacrifice anything to realize it. Plus they don't have an addiction. I'm jealous but I can't let it restrain my mind, I just happen to not be one of them and I gotta figure it out by myself with patience.

    This post from zenhabits gave me some hints.

    I've been learning Hebrew inconsistently for almost one year now and I want to be fully committed to it this time. I already made a plan on paper and I'll be updating my progress here and other social media daily to be accountable.
  2. QuoththeRaven

    QuoththeRaven This is the e̶n̶d̶ middle of the beginning.

    As someone who, like you and most young rebooters, has essentially the same problems, I'd give one piece of advice - mindfulness meditation and exercise hugely improve your self-image over time when done consistently. My self-pity, insecurity, and jealousy issues are nowhere near what they used to be half a year ago.

    Happy 2016 to you too. Good luck with the Hebrew (don't sell yourself short, many young people don't have the dedication or vision to even try becoming multilingual their own). And don't mind me if you've heard this all before.
  3. brandnewself

    brandnewself Member

    Thanks man! Your advice is really helpful! I work out regularly in the gym and have been seeing positive results, it indeed helps me with my confidence. Meditation is the next habit on my list, but for now I'll focus on Hebrew. I'm determined to cultivate habits slowly this time. I'll see how it goes.
    Happy New Year and good luck with your reboot and whatever goals you're pursuing!
  4. brandnewself

    brandnewself Member

    It was a long day for me. I got up early and took a bus to Jerusalem to attend a meeting about a program I just got in. Met many cool people there and I feel really excited now to work with these people. It's gonna be a great experience.
    I just came back 2 hours ago and I started working on my Hebrew. I wrote a short journal on lang-8 and read a passage on my textbook. I'll be reviewing some words on Anki before going to bed.
  5. brandnewself

    brandnewself Member

    Okay, I didn't spend enough time on Hebrew because I had an exam and have a presentation to prepare for Wednesday. But I did manage to spend some time on collecting the mistakes in the journal I wrote yesterday from native speakers. I also learned some useful expressions. Tomorrow I'm going to have another trip to Jerusalem so I'll be learning Hebrew on the way then.
  6. brandnewself

    brandnewself Member

    A few more days have passed. I was in another city for a program I'm a part of so I didn't write my journal here. I managed to study Hebrew for 2 days out of 4.
    Right now I feel a bit horny. It's likely related to the beer I drank 2 hours ago. It's been a busy day and I feel great since I didn't waste any time. I also made some good food for myself which is satisfying ;D.
  7. brandnewself

    brandnewself Member

    Hebrew today: memorized vocab; Read a passage; Collected mistakes from past for later review;
    I was productive today. Did several homework, edited a video, worked out. I'm going to read something now before going to bed. I feel reading hungry now.
  8. brandnewself

    brandnewself Member

    Okay I relapsed yesterday, twice. I felt bad and I didn't study Hebrew. Thankfully I picked it up today. I worked out, studied, learned Hebrew and now I feel much better.
  9. brandnewself

    brandnewself Member

    I relapsed again yesterday.
    I studied Hebrew though.
    Today I memorized some words and chatted with some friends in Hebrew on whatsapp.
    I think I need to take meditation as a new approach to deal with my lust. I actually didn't feel too horny, yet I still relapsed. It felt like I couldn't find a reason to say no to such a pleasure, all rational thinking is just gone when porn pops out in my head.
  10. tylerr

    tylerr Guest

    Hey bud, wish you the best with your journey!
    Let me know if you want to pratice Hebrew :)
  11. brandnewself

    brandnewself Member

    Tylerr: Hey man, thanks for your support! Wish you all the best too.

    These days I've been calm generally speaking. I really try to adopt that "porn is not an option" mindset and it actually works. Porn pops out of my mind sometimes but I could manage to ignore it and redirect my attention somewhere else. Yet I'm unable to focus on the things I do, I felt unsettled. It's weird to have this calmness and unrest at the same time. These days I've been getting up late and that's something I don't like so I'm going to change it. Looks like I need to plan for the next day before going to bed so that I will have motivation to get up early to get things done.
    I've been watching videos by Elliot Hulse on Youtube and enjoyed it. He really knows something about how to deal with our thoughts. I like his "be a stronger version of yourself" and his mindfulness approach to solve our problems.
  12. Evolution88

    Evolution88 New Member

    I was wondering if you could help me out with this meditation thing.I tried doing it for a week. I just have no idea how I am supposed to keep my mind clear and not think about porn.
  13. brandnewself

    brandnewself Member

    Hey man I'm also in the learning process, but I'd recommend to start short, 5 min for example. Don't force yourself not to think, just let it be. Think meditation as something relaxing instead of a task, over time you'll get better.
  14. brandnewself

    brandnewself Member

    I had some mood swing today. Going over lectures ppt for review, I suddenly felt very stressed and decided to go to gym. After that I felt better and went back home to eat. Then when I was supposed to study again I felt bad again, less degree though.
    Usually I don't have mood swing like this in exam period since I'm confident, so I don't know where this comes from. Recently I started having feeling about a girl but I'm not sure how she feels about me, maybe that's what it is? Or it's just some trick hormone does to lure me back to porn. Well, if it's the latter, it's not gonna get me.
    I totally accept these bad feelings because it's natural. I know how to ignore them and not let them get the upper hand. A clearer picture of myself has been formed in my mind, that I'm going to dominate my path and be the strongest version of myself ultimately.
  15. brandnewself

    brandnewself Member

    I was hungry and wanted to ask the girl I like to go to dinner with me. It's supposed to be a casual thing, we're all at school and we're acquainted with each other. But holy shit was I nervous to do so. I had to take a shower and walk in my room for like 3 min to make up my mind. Finally I did call her and she said she just ate. I was a bit disappointed but at least I had the "courage" to call her. Generally speaking, I'm okay around people and others think I'm a social person. But when it comes to girls that I'm interested in, man, I always get super nervous. And I have to behave kinda cold to cover my nervousness or else it will be written all over my face. I believe this condition will get better if I'm abstinent from porn long enough. However, I was like this even before my encounter with porn. That was middle school though, I think I can handle my emotion better now.
    Anyway, I'll try to pursue this girl whatever the outcome could be. I'm doing this not for her but for myself. I can deal with the consequence if she rejects me, but I definitely can't be my old self forever.
    Just read an interesting article about "afraid to ask her out". Take some notes here so that I can review later.
    1. Low self-esteem men tend to use indirect flirting(leaning towards someone) than direct flirting(expressing the interest spending time with the other person).
    2. We interpret the same behaviors of us and the other person differently. Very often we think our intentions are obvious while in fact they are not.
    3. When we're afraid of rejection, we ignore the possibility that the other person is also afraid of rejection.
  16. brandnewself

    brandnewself Member

    I'm quite satisfied with my life management these days. Sometimes I have mood swings, sometimes it's hard for me to calm down, but I understand that all of this is pretty normal and I just need to accept it and pull it through. I've been going to gym regularly and I'm really doing good. There is noticeable increase on my strength, and I'm mentally prepared every time I work out, which means I'm confident that I could handle the new weight and I'll make progress.
    Study-wise, it's exam period now and I have exams every 2 or 3 days. I can't say that I put all my effort in it because I'm not much motivated to do so. Grades doesn't matter as much now. Focusing too much on the grade makes life so much less fun.
    Emotionally, the girl I like pops up in my head quite often and I'm a bit worried about if there is a possibility between us. I'm just not confident enough, especially when it comes to a girl that I really care about. Fear also plays a big part here, but I could say that fear is also caused by in-confidence. If I'm confident with my capability to handle rejection and emotional trauma I'll be "fearless".
    Anyway I'm going to work on that, by pursuing her regardless of what I feel.

    I discovered Recovery Nation today and I think I'll start taking lessons there and take some notes in order to provide myself with enough motivation to deal with this addiction.
  17. brandnewself

    brandnewself Member

    Just read the passage about stages in recovery.
    I'm not sure which stage I'm in, because some of my thoughts are in the later stages and some are still immature as described in the passage. At least I know that I have to actively put more effort in it and develop some certain techniques to tackle this problem.
  18. Tseldo

    Tseldo Well-Known Member Staff Member


    That is great. This workshop really helps me too. I actually just finished it yesterday (except the advanced lessons) and it gives me much confidence about rebooting.

    I think that with your knowledge about healthy habits (meditation, sports, sleep, study), you can benefit greatly from this workshop, too. It's a wonderful structure for self-paced improvements.

    Take care!
  19. brandnewself

    brandnewself Member

    Hey Tseldo, actually I realized I came cross this site one year ago and I totally forgot about it until yesterday I saw you mentioned it in your post. You're doing a great job by the way, it's really impressive that you've been consistently learning stuff, digesting them in a reflective way.

    All the best, man!
  20. brandnewself

    brandnewself Member

    Lesson 1
    Laying the Foundation for Permanent Change

    Time, effort and commitment.

    1. External motivation is NOT enough.
    It might give me sufficient intensity to abstain from addiction, but insufficient for me to have permanent transition from addiction to a healthy lifestyle.
    2. Motivation from the consequences of my addiction.
    Stronger than the 1st one, but doomed for failure in long-term recovery. The intense emotional boost to recovery wanes as time goes by.
    3. Motivation stemming from no longer wanting to live such a lifestyle.
    The recovery is a very private, personal act. No one can take responsibility for your thoughts, actions and desires. No one can point out to you the internal games that you are playing with yourself in order to maintain some connection to your addictive past.
    The only way of developing the critical skills for recovery is with a commitment to do so.
    Because I WANT to, not because I have to.
    *The root of addiction is not found in the behavior itself; rather, it attaches to the core of my identity.

    Passive VS Active Recovery
    Recovery must be actively pursued, following a prescribed passive program will cause a conflict between one’s values and their behaviors.
    Active recovery means:
    Making the choice to eliminate addictive patterns from your life forever.
    In other words, I’m ready to take responsibility for where my life is headed.
    Recovery is top priority initially but priorities change throughout the course of my life.

    Lesson 1 Exercises:
    A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
    1) actively committing yourself to change
    2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
    3) allowing yourself time to change.
    Consider where you feel you are in relation to each of these recovery keys? Briefly share your thoughts in your Recovery Thread.

    1) Looking back at all the failures I had, they were inevitable as I see them now. I never truly actively committed myself to change, subconsciously I always thought that a change will fall upon me and all I needed to do was waiting. Ironically, I seemed to know this problem all the way but never truly admitted this.
    2) guilt/shame, I’m not sure how much role they played in my previous attempts to recover, but I could understand that guilt/shame means failure of self-acceptance. And self-acceptance is the first step to recovery, because we can’t recover without accepting the fact that we are “sick”.
    3) The three years of failures is not a bad thing. It tells me how hard it is so that I could set my mind right, it also provides me with opportunities to make different mistakes which are foundation to success.
    B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life. Don't stop at three or four obvious ones, really examine your life and what is important to you. Phrase these in the positive. For example: "I don't want to keep deceiving my wife" would serve you better if written like "I want to be honest and transparent with my wife". Positive statements have much more power in our mindset than negative ones. List these in your recovery thread.
    1. I want to gain my masculinity.
    2. I want to be confident.
    3. I want to have others’ respect.
    4. I want to prove myself.
    5. I want to be honest with myself and everyone around me.
    6. I want to have higher self-esteem.
    7. I want to feel comfortable around girls I like.
    8. I want to feel proud of myself.
    9. I want to have control over myself.
    10. I want to strike others as a reliable person.
    11. I want to achieve something without addiction pulling me back.
    12. I want to live a healthy lifestyle where I’m content and happy.

    There is a third exercise about looking at my picture as an innocent child and try to connect with him. It is for this child that I'm reclaiming my life. So I started to going through my memories and there I was, 2-year-old, extending my arm high up with my favorite toy truck in my hand. The smile on his face was so bright, so innocent that I want to hug him tight was he standing in front of me now. I want to tell him: keep smiling, don't worry about your future ever, everything is gonna be great. I'll guarantee that. Here I am, for you.

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