Drop the kid, start living

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Fiddler, Sep 1, 2012.

  1. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    This is such truism. I could be with more attractive girls. One of the more counter productive ways of thinking. I could have ______ (insert anything here). I could have gone the extra mile and got MSc instead of BSc. I could have already bought a house. I could already have had sex with a 10/10. I could already have visited Fiji. I could be already married. You could be _______ (insert anything in the line).

    When in doubt follow your gut. Do you feel like she is right for you? What does your intuition say? Do you feel like you are at the wrong place with this girl or at a right place?

    About ready. Nobody is truly ready for anything. I am sure even athletes that spent 4 years preparing for the Olympics are thinking....man I wish I had more time to prepare.

    Trust your gut.
  2. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    When I think about her, in the most objectively way I can, I think of 2 things: that she is not as attractive as I would like and that she is so sweet and caring that I absolutely need a girl with her personality in my life right now. Not forever perhaps, but now for sure.

    So, from here come my doubts. On the bright side, she was slimmer just 3-4 years ago and truly attractive to me back then. I saw her pictures. She is also aware of not being her best and wants to improve (she is going to join a gym this month). She asked me right yesterday evening if I found her attractive and I tried to be as honest as possible.

    Basically most of my doubts are PE-related (her attractiveness fall into this category too) and all the "I could...". The latter I must fix, the former I'm not sure I can or even should.
  3. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    My previous girlfriend also wasn't in the best shape ever. I don't mind women with some extra curves (I like it actually), but she wanted to get in better shape and I tried to coach her a while. It worked, but the effort had to come from me. The second I let her more in control of her own workout schedule she stopped. And yes, she also was in better shape in the past... but that's pretty much true for everyone except for those who are actually doing something about it.

    Don't expect to "change" her for her looks. Especially in a relationship people often tend to get complacent and put minimal to no effort in their physical health and/or looks.
  4. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    I don't want to expect her to improve but I do expect something better than this sorry life I'm living.

    Yesterday I had another mental meltdown. We were supposed to go bowling with friends, me and my girl, but she felt tired during the afternoon and wanted to stay alone. I also wasn't keen on going bowling, we had a discussion about sex earlier and she feels very uncomfortable doing anything sexual, to the point of being scared of it. I explained her that I don't need to have full sex right now but being a bit sexual with each other, even just once a week, would be enough for me. Otherwise, I feel tired and grumpy if I have physical contact with her without being sexual. She understood my point but couldn't reassure me that my request will be accepted in the near future. That made me break down later in the evening. I spent my saturday night sleeping, crying and feeling sorry, in general. I even came close to suicide, I opened the balcony and stood on it for a few minutes, contemplating how easy it would be to just jump (I live on the 5th floor) and end it all in a few seconds. What scares me is that I don't see an end to my suffering, it's just a bad experience after another in my life. Nor I consider life important, if it's not enjoyable at times. Mine never was and is not.

    I strongly believe that this suicidal moment and in general my depression are not due to PMO but to general failure with women. Which I am clueless on how to fix it. Perhaps one day I'll really jump. I mean, why not?
  5. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Hey Fiddler,

    I would disagree that you're failing with women. You're fumbling along as best as any guy can, meeting his fair share of crazies. If anything it's a shame you don't have any close guy friends you can have a beer with, commiserate, and laugh it off with. Maybe you could focus on that for a while, or on yourself, and give dating a break?

    You might also benefit from lowering your expectations, which isn't the same as lowering your standards. It's just unrealistic to expect every girl you date to be physically perfect, fun, and a perfect match for you sexually. Those girls are called keepers and they are rare. Even then they might still be crazy. Take the time to watch this informative video:

    With this girl, it seems like you were on the right track getting her topless on the bed, and the logical next step would have been to get her off using your hands (whether that day or at a later date). She's told you that she's literally scared of sex, so this means that you need to gradually expand her comfort zone, and be gentle, too. Instead you've started bargaining with her and told her that you need something that she's scared of, dismissing her fear instead of accepting it and helping her to overcome it, which could be a really fun process. You just need to make her feel relaxed. Of course, this assumes you want to put the effort in with this girl. If you don't, then just move on.

    If I remember rightly, you often end up bargaining with the women in your life about your expectations and how they could better meet your needs. Maybe other guys can chime in and say that they do this but to me it seems alien (I'm not a relationship expert by any means but I've never done this). Perhaps focus on choosing the women you date better so that you date ones who naturally meet you in the middle, instead of trying to bargain your way out of mismatches.

    I'm having a hard time being sympathetic because in my eyes you're kinda living the dream: in a foreign country, building a life, meeting new people, having crazy women send you nudes with pasta dishes. Put things in perspective again :)

    Anyway that's my 2p as always, feel free to tell me I'm full of shit :)

    And don't fucking jump off the balcony.
    Londoner and Fry2 like this.
  6. AB100

    AB100 New Member

    Try to help others brother. Life is not at all about sex. Get an escort if all you want is relief. There are ton of people who are homeless, help them educate them. Have some higher purpose to life. Do you think CEOs do with all that money, they can hire the most expensive movie stars for sex. Yet most don't do that. They stay monogamous with their average looking wife because they have higher purpose for life.

    A 35-year-old virgin here.
  7. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    I gotta disagree on this. Life is meaningless. We give it meaning to feel better about ourselves but in truth we are a bunch of animals with an oversized intelligence and the evolutionary mistake that is consciousness. That's about it.

    Anyway, I've made progresses with my girl. She decided a few days ago that she wanted to spend the night at my place on Saturday. She suggested we could have a bath together and that she wanted to buy sexy lingerie for the occasion. I'm not so inexperienced to not get what that meant. I felt somewhat proud that a 23 years old virgin would choose me to do it.
    Well, we did it. Sort of as she felt a lot of pain, the hymens didn't break even after she tried with her own hands in the bathroom. I felt sorry that she had to endure such pain (we went on for many minutes...). Part of me would have wanted to stop altogether and let her relax before continue but I was too horny to stop. The egoistical side of me took over, I guess. She helped me to finish, also in the morning, and told me she will go to the gynicologist to break it surgically as she can't stand that amount of pain. Yet she thanked me for the pleasure and was happy that I could reach the orgasm myself.
  8. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    Sex makes me feel bad. Period. I've now had more than one orgasm with real sex in the last couple of weeks and each time I feel extremely tired, grumpy, slightly depressed and without any motivation. I even feel as I dislike the person I've just had sex with afterwards. I blamed all these feelings to P for years but they're still here. I have to admit that perhaps it is the orgasm that messes up with my brain, chemically, and that I should stop.

    Also I'm having all sorts of issues with my girl at the moment and I thought I would like to write about them now but I'm feeling too depressed to do so. I'll just sob in solitude for a while instead.
  9. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    Another thing that I've been blaming to P is the lack of enthusiasm to socialize and horrible social skills in general. Well, after years of rebooting, I haven't gained anything in term of social skills. I still prefer to avoid people, I still find it extremely awkward to chat with them and even say "hi" to friends. I have no desire to socialize more, to party, to have a chat with a stranger and anything that could enlarge my social circle. Most of the days I still prefer to be left alone and do things on my own, without including anybody. Even my girl. I don't find it any easier to deal with people nor I feel any sympathy in general towards them. I am constantly thinking how much better would be the world if there were like half the people who live now. Some sort of huge cull.

    Actually when I was living at home I wanted to learn to socialize, I wanted to be closer to people. Now I would be totally fine to live a long life without friends, just with the occasional girl to have sex with.
  10. cjm

    cjm Active Member

    You've got an unconventional way of looking at things. Have you considered therapy? I'm not being funny but have you ever been tested for autism? Some of what you describe sounds like that. You do have a good job, a girlfriend and your having sex. That's not bad going really. Perhaps try and have a more positive outlook?
    Fry2 likes this.
  11. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    I went under therapy multiple times in my life. Huge waste of money and time. What for, actually? To make me think like everybody else? No thanks, I'd rather keep being myself instead of being one of the mindless millions out there.

    I could be autistic. But nobody that knows me would think I am. Often I'm considered funny and interesting. People invite me often to join them, to the point that I have to select which event I want to join. I can't be that bad.

    But the point of it all, is that I don't really enjoy anything. I feel bad after sex, I feel bored after having spent a couple of hours with my girlfriend, I hate everybody that I meet at the gym, I don't want to go shopping because people are annoying and I don't invite friends to go out simply because I don't like getting drunk or watching stupid movies or listening to bad music or anything else that most people do when out with friends.
    I have plenty of other girls that look at me at work. I could start a conversation with any of them any day. I never did and won't, probably. I'm bored. I couldn't give a fuck about any of them. I'm truly fed up with life.
  12. cjm

    cjm Active Member

    I'm not saying your bad at all, just that the attitude you have towards others is definitely unusual :) but you seem very unhappy so if I were you I'd definitely be looking to get some kind of help, somebody that could understand where I was coming from. where do you see yourself in 5 years? Are you depressed? Sounds like it to me

    Take a look at this https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2017
  13. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    There's nothing wrong with not liking the same things as the "mindless millions", but then it's a recipe for unhappiness to keep trying to do the same things they do.
    Fry2 likes this.
  14. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    Wait a sec guys. Are you saying that there's a single way to be happy, to be in accord with society and until I follow this specific way, I'll always be unhappy?
    Because it sounds like that.

    Either way, I got a job in a huge company, chance for career, quite a group of friends that are even fighting (figuratively) to host me and have my chances with women. So it's not that living with my attitude doesn't give me results. Of course I'd like to have more and I know that I can, which is part of what is making me unhappy.

    Point is, even after years of rebooting I still hate people and haven't gained any desire to meet with people nor better social skills. Rebooting isn't working at all in this regard. I'm not advocating stopping. Absolutely. If it works for you, keep going. It doesn't work for me, and I don't know why. Perhaps it is my attitude, my internal beliefs that prevent me to be more sociable. Could very well be. But do I need to go under therapy, to "fix" myself, in order to be more likeable and enjoying social interactions? Because I couldn't give a damn about being liked by anybody. I thought it was due to PMO that I couldn't enjoy being around people but what if this is instead my nature, the "real" me? Would I need to be "fixed"?

    I simply want to not hate every moment that I need to spend with others. Because in the long run it makes life unbearable. I won't ever be the super-social playboy. Fine. But can I at least enjoy part of socializing? At least, most of the time? Do I need to completely change my attitude to do it? Wasn't rebooting enough?
  15. cjm

    cjm Active Member

    No you got me all wrong. Trying to be helpful. Just do wha you got to do. If you don't need help, if you can do it on your own that's good. Therapy isn't about "fixing" anything imo just about understanding yourself better. Anyway good luck
  16. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Actually, I was saying that you need to find your niche if the mainstream doesn't make you happy. Try something other than Tinder and the same bars everyone goes to. Go to places that play the music you want to hear... Do activities you don't find mind-numbingly boring... Who knows, you might even meet a woman who doesn't bore you after a couple of hours.

    There's something to be said for being happy with what you have. Wanting more makes people unhappy, and then if you can have more, why don't you?

    Rebooting is just the beginning, Fiddler, and let me tell you something: you're rebooted. If all it took to live a happy, fulfilling life was to not be addicted to internet porn then there would be a lot more people living in bliss. Quitting porn got you out of the house for the first time in years, a string of girlfriends, a new country, a job... What more do you want from it? To improve other things in your life you have to put in the effort. A wonderful life doesn't fall from the sky just cos you stopped wanking all day, but stopping wanking all day gives you the time and mental space to work towards a wonderful life.

    Anyway, being a misanthropic asshole with a job and a girlfriend is infinitely better than being a guy scared to leave his mother's house and wanking all day. So well done ;)
    cjm likes this.
  17. AB100

    AB100 New Member

    You don't have to like anybody but it seems you don't have empathy for others. Suppose all humans thought exactly as you then there would be no orphanages, no charity, no social justice. If all one needs to be happy is to eat, sleep have sex then what is the point of inventing light bulbs and internet.
    Looks like you are depressed which makes you want to be anti-social. Now you don't like being anti-social at a deeper level that is obvious. However, you seem to justify as it is just who you are. It's possible it's not your true state and you have wrong beliefs or are just depressed.
    Londoner likes this.
  18. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    I started this journey of rebooting to improve my overall wellbeing, especially social skills. Which doesn't mean that I expected to be magically an extrovert one day but that I wouldn't be burdened by fears, dislikes, depression and such while learning to be more sociable. I found this to be not true, thus I'm deluded.

    It doesn't matter to me what I got. It does matter to me what I can get. As an example, yesterday I met with a few friends to discuss a project of ours. This guy, funny but averagely looking, came with his girlfriend, some russian girl. Believe me, she was among the top 20 most beautiful girls I've ever seen in my life. And we all saw plenty of girls through porn, of course. I have the same job as him (so it's not a matter of work status or money), I'm better looking, taller, more muscle and much more technical knowledges (I'm going to be the IT guy in this project, he'll be some sort of PR guy). He is above me only in confidence and being funnier.
    I can be like him. I can "score" as high as him. I thought rebooting would allow me to learn to be confident, to be funnier, to enjoy people's company etc. I was wrong. I feel I'm living still way below my potential, and it is making me miserable.
  19. cjm

    cjm Active Member

    Well he's funny, he obviously has a good personality. That's What you need to work on :) get help, be productive and proactive about it, recognise good advice when it's given to you and listien. Self development is never ending and as hello Penis... says giving up porn is only the beginning.
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2017
  20. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    It's quite hard to be funny with people when you hate them. And I didn't when I hadn't still rebooted. Point is, rebooting didn't make it easier to develop in a more sociable way, as expected. Quite the contrary.

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