Did Porn Make Me Gay?

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by Robot555, Jan 14, 2013.

  1. Robot555

    Robot555 New Member

    Ever since I can remember, I have always been straight. I never had any homosexual thoughts as a kid. I was a normal boy who had crushes on girls, etc. I discovered pornography around age 12. I only PMO'd to lesbian and straight porn the first few years of my pornography addiction. Then, at around the age of 16, I had exhausted all of the genres of straight porn, and I sought a new dopamine kick. I viewed gay and transexual porn. At first, it disgusted me...but gradually I sort of got used to it. My brain become desensitized to it. The feeling of disgust I felt at first faded away, and I watched it more and more frequently...I knew I wasn't gay, I just liked watching gay porn. It gave me a kick, and I didn't think much of it...Then I went to college at age 18, and everything changed. The new environment caused something to snap in my brain. I went into HOCD mode. I would constantly check myself and went into a spiral of ever-increasing delusion. Mind you, I didn't know about Your Brain on Porn or the No Fap community or HOCD or anything at this time. I just thought I was turning bi-sexual. I was lonely, emotionally unstable, and on top of that I was experimenting with drugs for the first time since I was in a very liberal college environment. I slipped into greater and greater obsession until finally I decided to perform the ultimate check: I sexually experimented with another dude. I found some random guy on craigslist and gave him oral sex. I didn't immediately feel regret after doing it. There was like a refractory period where I didn't really have any thoughts or emotions. I didn't know what to make of it. I didn't know if I liked it or not...so I did it one more time as a re-test about a month later. Now that I look back on it, I was acting without thinking, completely ignorant of the ramifications of my actions. It was like a period of emotional shock where I acted outside of myself. I can't even believe it was me, looking back on it all. I should note that the whole time I was never attracted to the guy attached to the penis. I just got a high from the taboo nature of what I was doing. It was like a perverse dopamine kick.


    Then as time passed, I slipped into a depression. The memories haunted me. I realized that I had acted against my true self. It has been over a year since I did those things, and I only recently found YBOP and NoFap and HOCD info. I am now putting the pieces together and trying to heal my brain, but as you can imagine it is much more difficult in my case since I not only got addicted to perverse fetishes..I also acted on them. I have to live with actual memories of the events. I have to accept that I did those things. I have to convince myself that I am not gay despite having done definably gay acts. It's so hard. I have to convince myself I didn't do irreparable damage to my brain. What's worse is that I have also the symptoms of pornography addiction. I suffer from psychological ED and performance anxiety. The last three attempts I had at sexual intercourse with girls failed because I was too anxious to get an erection. My spirit was willing, but my body would not cooperate. Needless to say, it killed my self esteem, made me feel even more emasculated, and threw me in an even deeper spiral of HOCD.

    The good news is that this is a monumental time in my life. Now that I have read all the information and put the pieces of the puzzle together, I have an idea of WHY I did the things I did, and I have a PLAN for the future. In other words, I am no longer lost. I have something to give me hope, at least: No Fap. I hope if I can go 4 or 5 months straight without PMO of any kind, I can rewire my brain and the HOCD and ED will fade, and I will be able to find a girl and make love to her like my spirit is burning for. I believe if I can get that one glorious erection and have sex, it will be the ultimate therapy for me.

    Do you think I can overcome my HOCD and ED despite having sexually experimented with my porn-induced fetishes?
     
  2. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    You will just have to try it.
     
  3. Shrug

    Shrug Guest

    As the guy above said you'll just have to wait and see. This weekend I came the closest I've ever been to hooking up with a guy on Craigslist and if I hadn't have made the post here at that moment it would've been an emailing setting up the encounter. Like you I am not interested in anything sensual or romantic it's just that my mind has been drawn towards those kind of taboo acts. Even the thought now gets me excited. But trying those things is not a sin all I will try to do is give this reboot a try and see how I am after some time which will hopefully include some form of a normal relationship.

    So, I wouldn't worry about it, but just attempt the reboot/rewiring first.
     
  4. Tahru1990

    Tahru1990 New Member

    I really think that over years porn can rewire your brains sexual tastes. this does not mean you are truley gay. Think back the when you first started masturbating, what thoughts did you have? if of girls and you liked girls for years then i doubt your truley gay. I think they way you feel romantically and emotionally is also important. if you have those feelings for girls and always have but never guys then again i doubt you are gay. The good news is i have been through a similar thing. I always liked girls since age age 11, watched years of straight porn (7 years) everyday while masturbating, I got into gay porn but always found i wouldnt want to cum over it and felt really off put by it after. it was similar for me in that at first i found it not for me but over time i got more and more turned on by it. I knew in my head i wasnt gay and never had been but its very distressing. I relly cut down my porn over the past 6 weeks but have only gone for a proper reboot in the past week and already those urges and feelings are fading and things are starting to make sense to me again. i hope this give you some re assurance.
     
  5. Oilers92

    Oilers92 Guest

    Time will only tell, but in your case, I think your straight based off of the info you have provided.
    I was/am in a similar HOCD predicament. I met up with a guy on CL, ever since that day I feel a lot of regret.
     
  6. Robot555

    Robot555 New Member

    bump...i keep relapsing at night :(
     
  7. coypu

    coypu New Member

    You seem to be stressed about these two incidents. It's unnecessary because no one cares if you're gay or not. You don't have to live up to any image. It's your life. Also, you don't need to label yourself as homo/bi/heterosexual. You did what felt right at the moment. It wasn't as good as expected but that's alright.

    Today sucking cock is not a preferable choice for you and that's fine too. There's nothing wrong with sucking or not sucking cock.

    If some day you wanted to try an orange ice cream for whatever reason and found it disgusting afterwards you just wouldn't do it in the future and don't think about it anymore, right? And then again if you changed your mind you could put it in your mouth.

    I encourage you to look at these events from a different perspective. Molesting schoolgirls on subway is a fetish, eating poo from a toilet is a fetish, masturbating publicly is a fetish, but oral sex is something many people do. At least when you're 100 years old you could say something like: I jumped out of a plane with a parachute, I climbed on a pyramid, I sucked cock, I ate chocolate chicken, I visited Antarctica - some of them I liked and some don't but at least I tried them.
     
  8. Anon_Fapper

    Anon_Fapper New Member

    You've had oral sex with another guy and masturbated repeatedly to gay porn. Maybe you shouldn't be worried about fighting this "HOCD" so much and just see where it takes you.
     
  9. jimmyx0331

    jimmyx0331 New Member

    Dude, you'll be fine. You haven't done something so horrific that you can't recover from. Perhaps the negative stigma society has placed on homosexuality is what is plaguing you more than anything. So you experimented with guys, SO WHAT!? It happens and it is not as uncommon and/or unusual as you'd believe. Just get a handle on your PMO, get through the reboot and go from there. Whether gay or straight, having your brain back will ease a lot of your apprehension about your sexual preference. You will certainly be able to reboot and rewire and enjoy a healthy emotional and sex life again. I have confidence, and you should also. Fight the good fight my friend. You're worth it!
     
  10. AlexP11

    AlexP11 New Member

    I had ED back when i was still watching porn, i was also watching gay and tranny porn(more tranny porn though) and bisexual porn. But now i do not have any problems with ED and i have an excellent relationship with my girlfriend. About HOCD, i read some reboot accounts that rebooting actually helped so definitely go for it and don't worry, you haven't done any permanent damage to your brain...
     
  11. JT86

    JT86 New Member

    This is basically like reading a story that I havent written yet. I have damn near the same story man. Very tough.
     
  12. Iamahumanbeing

    Iamahumanbeing New Member

    Sorry you had to go through that. We were all thrown into this great social experiment of free internet porn and its done awful things to us all.

    One thing that sticks out of your post is the words "your true self." You are not gay. You have a long road back to being sexually normal, but you will recover.
     
  13. Imfree

    Imfree Member

    While this is not a politically correct opinion, I wonder if going gay might result on a subconscious level from realizing how agonizingly difficult it is to secure the affection of a woman (and to do so with your self-respect intact) and choosing an option where physical contact and validation is much more likely to be obtained.
     
    NewTerritories likes this.
  14. carlos24

    carlos24 New Member

    Robot555 I had almost tears reading your story cause mine has been exactly the same and I believe thousands of us. I was this regular kid having random erections just watching girls in school. Ihad never interest in guys and found male genitalia disgusting and dirty.I didnt even know how an homosexual act was until 16. I started masturbating to porn at 11 years old and ever since. I have never crossed to consume gay porn or trans cause I dont like it.Ive tried an dit just repulse me. But I started consuming more and more BJ porn in my early 20s I started to experience ED episodes with girls and that intensified my porn addiction. I also started to be fascinated by the straight to the point sex you see on porn and I hated to go throught he phone calling money spending out talking and time it takes to have sex with girls.I was also terrified to embarrass myself again. I started recieving oral from complete strangers lookin the other way cause seeing a man felt disgusting. I kept consuming porn but I stopped the recieving oral sex cause I didnt enjoy it at all.
    It was like that through all my 20s my porn addiction and isolation intensified,I avoided women for ffear of not be able to perform and a light depression started to set in.one day when I was 30 I started to feel the curiosity of perform oral myself.
    Like you I never had like men as a whole and I still dont like them or consume gay porn.But the taboo curiosity and fascination led me to try the first time. Like you the first time I did not like or disliked it.I just thought to myself,ok I dont need to do this cause I dont even like it and I risk my reputation if someone fins out in a omofobic society like this...A month later I tried a second one just like you did,I was bored and the trigger was this time it was a bigger size so it spiked up my curiosity.That was the beggining of my downfall.My addiction to give BJ every now and then usually 3 or 4 times a year.I fell deeper in my ED. I felt less of a man as being impotent and "maybe" gay.Keeping that secret killed/kills me. With me its all about the anticipation of meeting and doing it,very few minutes on it I just feel bored and wonder why I do it if I dont actually enjoy it. But the truth is I was raised with a very strict mother,my father wasnt around since I was 12 and I was always suposed to pe perfect and responsable.This was like a get away and be able to be a "bad boy" doing something "wrong" for a change out of my family umbrella. Needless to say what now I discover to be HOCD started.Ever since I was a child I liked to take care of my looks toomuch.And my voice is soft.But I never had any doubt about my sexuality. Now I connect those things and wonder if Im gay in denial. I remember looking at guys penis in the locker room,with the natural curiosity of any kid cause you naturally compare and its something that is hiden all the time naturally it catches your attention.But now I wonder if I was gay from the begining.I know thats not the case I dont like men. So now Im in a point where Im 34 its been 3 years I dont interact with a woman I have full blown ED.I masturbate to porn were girls humilliate you for being sissy.The fact that Im a very atractive man makes things worse,the fact that Im 35 with no kids and I feel the rpessure of people thinking if Im gay.I think they notice in my body language that IM not 100% straight. So yes porn has ruined my life.I know Im not gay cause I dont like men and I love women. i got this Ed that prevents me from act as an heterosexual man and this oral addiction that makes me hate myself and how I ended.Im also a very honest person and I hate myself for lying to my entourage. Keeping this secret gives me a lot of stress and surely affects my EQ. Morning wood moes and goes but most part of the time I dont have it. so no you ar enot alone,no you are not gay, and yes Porn as f%&$ up our sexuality. as I write this Im trying my best to not jump into a chat to do something I really dont want to do but somehow need.Im learned to find pleasure in my self loathing and I dont know how to end this circle of ED Bj addiction porn addiction and women fear.I feel like in a sissification process that Im not able to stop..and it all started with porn induced ED
     
  15. carlos24

    carlos24 New Member

    you hit the nail,when I first experience my Ed due to porn everything got complicated with women expectations and stereotypes,the time and money needed to secure that affection thats what led to my first homosexual encounter.I didnt want to go throu the whole phone calling cinema date and conversation and I had the fear of embarrassing myself not achieving an erection.Those episodes were so traumatic and humilliating as a man that I considered other options I probably would had never thought as an option if I had a fully functional penis
     
  16. PMO has almost led me to do things I'd regret in regards to male contact, but I love coypu's response above. At the end of the day it would have been a consensual act between two adults (no matter how thrill seeking), not something to feel irreparably damaged over.
     
  17. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    Homosexual behaviour and feelings probably have multiple possible causes. The politically correct view is: it develops pretty much exactly how heterosexual feelings develop, naturally, for a small percentage of people. This is what many gay guys report as their experience. They just knew, one some level, from a young age.

    On the other hand, there's an idea that childhood sexual abuse can lead to it. This view is not popular in polite circles. But there's evidence: proportionally more gay/bi men report being childhood molestation victims than straight men.

    I think Imfree's suggestion has merit. Young heterosexual men with high sex drive have a lot of challenges, some more than others. Some of us have insecurity issues, anxiety, probably connected to our porn habits. Girls our age tend to prefer older dudes. We're flooded with sexual images in media, from near-pornographic ads and music videos, to hardcore hyperstimulation, adding to our frustration. If we watch 'straight' porn, we're already involving other men in our virtual sex lives.

    It's easier to have casual sex with men. It's unsurprising that some of us physically experiment with men. And maybe some give up on women altogether.

    (I think the right move is to give up on casual sex. The PUA goal of becoming a master seducer is appealing, certainly! But a huge waste of energy for most guys. A guy with a girlfriend gets more sex anyway. And you still need to learn game, no getting around that.)
     
  18. carlos24

    carlos24 New Member

    You are right about those theories of becoming gay instead of been born gay are not well accepted and are generally thought as homophobic. The same way any psicologist that treats or gives therapy to help those men wanting to return to their heterosexual self or simply wanting to stop being gay for moral or religion reasons or whatever reason they may have. Lot of countries are approving laws as we speak condemning those medical practices with prison.They dont want homosexuality to be considered a mental illness and therefor no treatment or theraphy should be applied.The same with transexuality.
    Years ago there were forums in the internet were men shared their experiences and helped support each other on their quest to become heterosexual,many of them victims of childabuse.To some of them it meant recovering their life,their families and selfsteem. But those groups were banned by the giant google.
    I remember reading an article years ago called"All porn is Gay". Im sure you can find it if you google it.
    If you think about it men have never been exposed to male genitalia more than today,and I mean in our whole history. We are so used to see another man penis.Centuries ago men were able to see male genitalia while having a bath or in a medical setting,changing clothes only ocasionally not in daily basis and not in a erect state.
    Remember pornography in it early days was limited to portraits of nude women or women taking baths.Male genitalia was rarely seen.
    If you think about it we have been watching penises since our eaarly teens.Its no wonder the idea of touching one or doing something else does not seem as gross as it once felt. We are so familiar with it and the limits between fiction movies and reality are slimmer everyday with the HD that looks almost like real life,and the 3D technology that is coming.
    People replicate whaat they see in music videos,thei r clothes body language and behavior.The same happens with pornography.
    I also think that a big factor in the rise of bisexuality and heterosexuals trying homosexual acts is the rise of oral sex since the 90s. There are very little morphologic difference between a man's mouth and a womans. Once the tabu of oral sex was gone thanks to porn men quickly realized they could get the same pleasure coming from a man and definately more easy to obtain. And since homosexuality is not condemned socially anymore the scenario is just perfect for any young heterosexual man to cross over.
    I started visiting chat rooms in the early 2000s.since then in any Gay chat room the amount of users with name implying heterosexual or bi has increased exponentially.A gay chat room with 30 Het users gives you something to think about.
    There is a documental in youtube called the truth of LGTB
    Another thing to highlight is...while heterosexual men consume porn the cold truth is they re not only interested in the girls or they would look to solo or lesbian porn. yes we can argue that while watching porn you see yourself in the male actor and wish it was you. but again what is that fascination for big penis porn?Virtually everybody chooses a video of a Big porn actor over a video of a small actor.So I think in reality porn has made us all a bit gay and asfinated with the male penis. some act upon it and some not but the fascination is there.
    Theres a documentary in youtube called "The LGTB agenda" if anybody is interested. Im not homophobic, I have gay friends and I have ocasional homosexual relations.I dont want this post to be thought as a anti-gay post. I think homosexual people deserve respect and human rights just like any other human being,they ar enot less and they are not more than anybody. The problem comes when you were a free human being with your sexual preferences and a political stablishment and entertianment porn industry induces encourages you to practice homosexual acts. everybody can have their opinion but I think men should have the right to try any theraphy if their wish is return to a heterosexual life.It should be respected.And homosexuality being promoted in schools is also questionable. but of all Porn is the main enemy towards heterosexuality and Im sure by the end of this century heterosexuals will be a minotiry less than 30%.at least in the western world.
    The truth is women wont be able to compete with the quick fix that is a drama free casual encounter between men. Women hold on tight to the power of sexuality either making money out of it prostituting themselves or make men do anything for it,its their main asset and they rarely give it away for free but bisexuality will take that power off them.Cause a casual encounter with a man does not require money,a dinner,commitment,exclusivity or time waisted

     
    NewTerritories likes this.
  19. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    Good and interesting points, Carlos.

    Gay conversion therapies are banned by our enlightened governments on the supposition that they are ineffective, and their futile application is psychologically harmful. Some people are ashamed about their sexual feelings, which are probably impossible to eliminate. Repeating attempts at doomed-to-fail therapy would be frustrating, expensive, and potentially lead to worse outcomes.

    But behavioral change is certainly possible. Sexual behavior is chosen and voluntary, and habits can be learned and unlearned. If a 'bisexual' guy wants to be 'monosexual' in his behavior, that's his own choice. Why shouldn't he be able to get some support, if a professional is willing to help him? (Because of gay activist political pressure, of course.)

    I don't know if there's any real need for therapy. If a guy has the will to change, he can find support online, can't he? He will need to handle his issues largely alone. Same as us here with porn. In many cases it comes down to: when I'm alone and horny, will I seek quick and easy gratification? Or will I defer that and do something productive instead, moving myself closer toward the possibility of establishing and maintaining a healthy sexual relationship later?

    Now, is this an appropriate place to drop this hot link of dangerous information? I'm doing it anyway, consequences be damned. The linked mannerbund article comes highly recommended too.

    http://www.socialmatter.net/2017/10...nti-sodomy-and-the-epistemology-of-tradition/

    All who have ears, let them hear.
     
  20. carlos24

    carlos24 New Member

    Its interesting man but whenever discussing homosexuality as soon as religion comes to the topic the conversation looses the focus cause there a lot of prejudice towards the church actions in the past and pain...but the truth is religions and in concrete the Bible holds guidelines for men to live a healthy happy life in comunity.it doesnt matter if you believe there is a God or Heaven.These are moral principals that come from ancient times.And before ignoring them people should read them closely. There is a reason why homosexuality is not accepted in the Bible.You just need to look at the rates of stds in the gay& bisexual comunity to find the answer.Hospitals will tell you that for every 100 cases of HIV homosexuals are the bigest percentage
    But governments are promoting that lifestyle as well as promiscuity and contraception methods like abortion and condoms.In the coming years we will see a rise in std's and lower born children.I dont know if the goal is world population control buy enouraging divorce abortion homosexuality etc but I think is not fair enourage kids at schools to have homosexual sex without a warning on the risks
     

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