Diary of a dude who used to be in the age 19 section.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by HowToKapow, Jul 21, 2016.

  1. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice


    Before i started doing shadowwork I did mostly breathing meditation. Nowadays I do zero breathing meditation at all, but even though its been half a year since I last done it, I retain the ability to become present and stay whenever I want to. Looks like some things are permanent. Im trying to check for ways to utilise it as a benefit without harming myself (as in, overusing it and then being unable to turn the switch off again) but it feels like im walking on shaky ground.
    If I dont find use for this, all meditation I did was worthless and that would kind of sting. The problem is I have no experience at all in wet insight (jhanas) so im heavily loopsided and bottlenecked in that regard. Its like i exercised my stomach for a year but never my back.
  2. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    111 Nofap

    Day 1 No sugar streak

    Shadowwork makes me extremely horny for sweets, I need to stop this asap or ill actually get a beer belly. Luckily if I hold myself accountable here for it, I know it will have an impact. So no more sweets for now.
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2017
  3. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Nofap 112

    No sugar 2

    Didnt buy any sweets yesterday so big success. Not much to say today just gotta keep posting.
  4. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    112 part 2
    Watched another vid I really wanted to share cause it jumped on my top 3 of all time yt vids within 5 minutes.

    I wonder what the world would look like if this video was shared in every school once.
    Edit: if anyone decides to watch this put it at 2x speed, dont waste time
  5. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    113 nofap
    3 no sugar

    So I just had a relapse dream, which almost turned into a lucid dream because the insane P urges I had there were very out of character for me. Ended up being an insanely soul crushing dream because if the strategy I have right now was to fail, I think theres nothing else left to try.
  6. Bauldr

    Bauldr Member

    Try not to over think the dream if you keep pondering it, it will only lead to more stress --> cravings. Besides, 113 days is a lot, but not enough to mitigate years of porn use just yet.

    Also don't over think "if it doesn't work this time", because it has worked, you're almost 4 months deep. Even if you were to relapse now and then continue the trend for another year, that's 3 pmo's in an entire year.. that's nothing short of great in the larger perspective. It's obviously not ideal and I'm the same, I never want to relapse again - but if you don't look at this in context you may stress yourself out man.

    Happy to see you going well man.
    HowToKapow likes this.
  7. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Thanks so much for the encouragement, helps a ton!!
    I can definitely still keep going, the urge from the dream, while super strong, wasnt actually a P urge, it was the pang I get when I dont use the internet for a while (still addicted there) but increased tenfold as to mirror a proper P urge. So looks like my brain cant find the old "real" urges anymore. 3 PMOs a year would be awesome indeed but ive been in this so long, i just expect more from myself, probably a perfectionist approach but I cant help it.:rolleyes: thanks again for stepping by

    Nofap 114
    No sugar 4

    Im going to extend the duh scale in my signature by applying it to the ultimate question "Whats my reaction when someone tells me i have to sit in a room 4 hours by myself with absolutely nothing to do and no meditation allowed". The reaction to that questions shows reliance on distractions or as I like to call it, degree of freedom (I guess free will in a way? Extent of addictive nature)
    So now the duh-scale turns into the duh-dof scale, which rolls off the tongue really nicely. My own reaction to this question is very admittedly terrible so just shows im a dude with highly addictive personality. Im also implying with this though that its possible to change this nature so that will be my ultimate goal. Wont get there faster than 2 more years.
  8. Bauldr

    Bauldr Member

    Hah. I'm the same way, I have an easy time telling others to relax but criticize myself heavily for it.

    Have you ever taken a "big 5" personality test? You're probably quite high in 'orderliness' and perhaps 'withdrawal'.
    HowToKapow likes this.
  9. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    I have not but I feel like I can judge myself easily on it cause im quite extreme on every stance

    Very high openness
    Very neurotic
    Low in disgust
    High introversion
    Medium contientiouss (working on it tho)
    And also im very orderly for sure yeah.
    I used to be very extroverted but bullying trauma actually made me flip 180 degrees so im working on overcoming that. And i think my perfectionism also comes from it. I have some degree of PTSD I believe but im working on getting rid of it.
    The self criticism for sure has to go if we want to self actualise.

    117 nofap
    Sugar 7

    Couldnt post for 2 days cause I did so much intense healing I was too tired to type anything. Got around 1% of total healing done in those 2 days though I believe. My duh scale now predicts that ill hit 365 days of no P very very easily and I think so too, in fact id bet my left arm on it.
    I wish i could make it go faster with the healing its such an unbearable tunnel. But the process only works when I can concentrate and the process itself constantly challenges that concentration, so it gets harder and harder the longer I go.
    The limit I can take is until I vomit but luckily I always manage to stop shortly before that step. But if I were to keep pushing, I would have to stop anyways.
    If I keep going after vomiting, I would probably faint. Its hard to convey in words how hard this is to do and I am shocked every day at how much I suppressed.
  10. Bauldr

    Bauldr Member



    Very high openness

    Very high orderliness - interesting you say low in disgust, high orderliness usually goes with high disgust sensitivity.
    Moderate industriousness - supposedly increasing this can really pull the reigns on anxiety.

    High withdrawal (heaps of anxiety of what is about to occur)
    Low volatility (low anxiety when a problem has occurred)

    Low Agreeableness

    Very introverted

    Seems we're rather similar. I too was extroverted before being bullied at about 10 years old, although not as severe as perhaps you were. Our self-criticism is orderliness and anxiety taking control.

    Have you read C-PTSD by Pete Walker? You may find it useful, he details the flight/fight/fawn/freeze response in his book also.

    Man if you're going until you're vomiting, that's impressive - but isn't it possibly too overwhelming? I'm sure the book has detailed it but if you aren't you should schedule in de-loads to your recovery process ie. "Okay today and tomorrow we're going nowhere near vomiting level".
    HowToKapow likes this.
  11. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Looks like we are almost identical. I forgot im also very low on agreeableness but because im partly fawn on the 4 F scale that kinda got hijacked. I have no idea why im low on disgust however. I do have a feeling of having seen "the worst" of humanity maybe that is related. Might aswell be because i know how impactful it was on introversion.
    I have read the parts of walkers book which were offered for free online which is around half but puzzled together. Funnily enough a year ago I would not have said that I fit his diagnosis. My survival strategy throughout school was come home, pretend nothing happened, next day. So I stuffed it down really well actually. Only 9 months ago did I feel like something was fishy and started meditating like a madman (450 hours or so of practice 3h formal 9h waking mindful, if youre interested in reading about that journey page 6 to 10 are where it happened) because people said its the magic bullet. Didnt do a ton for me however. Now that im digging in my old trauma, I fit the ptsd symptoms 100%. I restored all my numbness but now I do have textbook emotional flashbacks. Step 1 is always awareness as per usual and im slowly and steadily getting there.

    Im going all out with the process even though I get symptoms because I never really felt in my life like I was in control. Now I have it, i can do something that 100% correlates with me getting better w/o fail. On some level I feel like as long as I have any downsides from the bullying, im still getting bullied. And Im too stubborn to take that.
    Then theres my kundalini i caught 6 months ago (see page 10 first post) (carl jung actually researched this for years and got really scared of it, i can see why) which is basically an organic 24/7 running completion process. So even if I stop the practice, im still doing the practice so to speak.
    Thanks a lot for your support!

    118 nofap
    Sugar 0

    I relapsed hard on the sugar today unfortunately. Still its already been worth it to have this streak going because I know the urge for sugar will eventually die down (I dont really have a sweet tooth usually) so Im just biding my time till I can go back to my old self.
  12. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    120 nofap
    Sugar 2

    Thought I had some exciting anti procrastination tactic to share but it fell flat again.
    Really sunk in today tough that everything apart from internal healing doesnt really matter. Im still gonna hustle but its basically like playing very seriously in a game. In the end its whatever.
  13. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    123 nofap
    5 sugar

    Changing emotions are changing my worldview. Before this streak I felt like everyone was addicted to P, because duh, quitting is impossible.
    Now I feel like duh, no one uses P, because doing it is weird and gross.
    This is the way to go to quit an addiction, the only downside to this path is I cant feel good about having achieved something because its akin to patting myself on the back for breathing air. So deep change is permanent but theres gonna be less feel good yes I made it involved in it.
    Im figuring thats how its gonna be for everything.
  14. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Nofap 124
    Sugar 6

    In 200 days I will be able to confirm if shadowwork alone can change thought patterns (I already suspect the answer is yes but it might be placebo).
    A reason I just heard why its likely a yes is the reframe. Memories are stored in our brain, and they morph after every recall, depending on emotions at the time of the recall. If we are 5 times in a row in a good mood when a "triggering" memory hits, its gonna soften it up every time. Thats the basic spiral idea.
    Nowadays on my very best days (like once a month good) I dont get a single negative thought. Im very optimistic that by the time I upped this to at least 20%, its gonna snowball itself into my thought patterns.
  15. Bauldr

    Bauldr Member

    Good to hear you're going well man.

    Wow, me too - disagreeable and have strong fawn aspects, it's really 2 conflicting forces within us that I believe cause much negative emotion. I've been trying to reduce my fawn response much lately. What has been most effective for you in reducing the fawn response?

    I'm going to post 2 links related (in order), in total it's about an hour of listening - very worth while. If you believe what is being said in these videos there is absolutely no question that shadow work can change yourself. A huge element of shadow work as you know, is truth - being truthful with yourself in your repressed motives and being truthful in social situations (not falling into a fawn response).

    I've been recently trying very hard to speak the truth - I think 'speak the truth' is far more useful than 'tell the truth' because 'tell the truth' feels like it gets more at the idea of explaining yourself (fawn) vs 'speaking the truth' which is more akin to aligning every word possible to what you know to be true (individual integrity) - it's been a very strange experience, I was never big on telling lies or exaggerations anyway but really really paying attention to letting no deception/ambiguity creep into my speech has been incredible. Not only is it the antithesis of a fawn response - which increases our confidence and courage - with some practice you learn to KNOW and will feel very unwholesome when you do allow deception to enter your speech.

    HowToKapow and yearofchange like this.
  16. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Crying in a corner at night basically, heh. Nothing so far has worked for me for this, shadowwork seems to be fixing mostly my problems with my emotions and thoughts when Im alone for now. I hope when thats done I can move on to the huge dissonance when being social. But at the moment im struggling even more with this because when Im alone I now feel like 10-15 times better than otherwise, even with 1 person in the room I can feel the fawn creep in right away.
    I have watched the second video a few months ago, it really hit home with me when he described the evil with the nazi "work makes free" analogy and how senseless and cynical they made it. (I think that was in this vid? I only had time today for parts of the second vid, I will watch the other tomorrow and respond to that again) When I got harassed it also had this element of cynical completly unnecessary and sarcastic attacks, coming out of nowhere mostly and thats when I started putting up my guard 24/7. I feel like ill be rewatching the second vid like once a year basically forever lol.
    Ive seen the first video and whats funny is I actually went through the phase of seeing the cruel fantasies I was capable of (and sometimes it cycles through a bit like in waves) But they never came to me in thoughts in word form but always in picture thinking (I think about 80% in words 20% in pics) I think I am not yet able to let them through in words and its easier to bypass suppression with picture thinking as there is a delay between interpretation and appearance.
    Its rather frightening to see it the first time but after having assigned them to the "black wolf" inside me it feels more alright to express the thought. Im only like 25% done with integrating cruel fantasies i believe (especially because Ive 10000% suppressed them for my whole life)

    Great job on doing this, this is definitely my goal also but its extremely hard for me as I have multiple mental filters around people that check "will they approve of this or no". I realised that when Im incapable of saying anything, its because multiple different filters put me in a lock where nothing works. I usually have something to say but often it doesnt pass the good enough to not direct anger at me threshold. When I was young I would take sentences of others and reword them in a way so they keep 100% the same meaning so that there was no way they would disapprove of it. Shattering of all this is gonna take a while, at the moment im mostly focusing on speaking my truth when alone, which is considering putting as much time as possible into the things I truly want. Im gonna implement your approach when I focus on social interactions.
    Thanks a ton for making me ponder a lot with your post!

    127 Nofap

    I have a new strategy for procrastination that works well for me. I break my workload of for example 4 hours into 30 minute blocks, but I offer myself the chance to "donate" minutes ontop of the 30 minute block to the collective.
    So for example if I do 35 minutes without a break Ill donate 5 minutes to myself, which Ill subtract from the end. Its still the same thing in the end but it feels like im doing something good for myself and so im more motivated.
    This is my default mode now, and sometimes ill just shove in as much as i can without break. Its key for me to guess properly which mode works better for me at any given time.
    Overall I havent thought about P in quite a while now.
  17. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Nofap 130

    Flow state where everything works out easily and no procrastination is even on my mind is not simply just a toggle on/off. There are degrees of it and im moving on average up but very slowly.
    I measure my flow state based on how often i check the clock (every 15 min = lots of resistance, every 30 min = average every 50+= pretty much flow cant ask for more)
    I used to be 15 min only but now I consider 30 my average. Getting there.
  18. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    132 nofap

    There is a thing going on in regards to people giving up on nofap alltogether which i can relate a lot to.
    Its pretty much a long term rebooter trap which happens due to overanalysis of relapse circumstances.
    Basically when I would note down reasons for relapse and situations when I relapsed, the list would be so long after a year, it basically turns against you after a while because you start having to second guess every action, the nofap "help list" turns into a bully in a way. And also we think obeying it 100% is the only way to success.
    And the funny thing about it is that the list is often wrong anyways, addiction is too twisted for 1 sentence zingers about why a relapse happened. I have been too bored, too horny, too stressed, too sleep deprived, sick, whatever already and still it doesnt really matter.
    Following this strat makes nofap actually harder over time. Sometimes I see people change their final goal from complete recovery to once a week because their list is too intrusive and according to mine I should be relapsing every other day
    Bauldr likes this.
  19. Bauldr

    Bauldr Member

    That's an important issue dude.

    Have you considered what could be done to avoiding the re-evaluation?

    I've been thinking recently the lifestyle of near-asceticism may need to be adopted for this to work long term. Perhaps asceticism is too-strong but at the very least having values/goals so much greater than the scope of the every-day mundane, that we leave it all behind, not in protest or refusal to take part but more of an act of 'moving past it all', in the realization that these worldly pleasures (excess social media, excess TV, porn, excess junk food, small talk) can never truly satisfy us.

    What do you think?

    Dude, I don't know what it is but I think I'm beginning to understand all the rebooters (such as yourself) that have simply just walked away from it. It's so hard to describe, usually when I'm rebooting I'm thinking "must make it to x day, if I can only get through the night etc." but since about 3 days clean I've been like "porn, yeah, whatever man, cool". It's the strangest thing. Whenever triggering images or thoughts pop up there's a granite "no peeking" wall that just appears in my mind. This is amazing, I actually feel free.
    Catharsis and HowToKapow like this.
  20. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Usually I put another layer on top, I evaluate the evaluation and sometimes the evaluation of the evaluation haha. I should have been more flexible with switching around methods for quitting P like 6 times as fast but I was too stubborn and blew too much time.

    I agree with 100% dropping all of the mundane stuff the problem is i cant do it at least not yet. Youre probably thinking about putting asceticism in place to change yourself but for me I need to have a lot of transformation to go to be able to get there even in the first place. Definitely go for it if you feel capable of quitting all these right now. The good life is going all in while simultaneously realising how pointless it is.
    Also my big problem is that excessive tv and social media are not fulfilling but neither is work in the moment i do it, i only feel fulfilled after I did it so the choice is every day still a hard one for me.

    Glad to hear that you also got into the no fucks given zone. If that stays, youve overcome the addiction right there. Funny that I never read about the fact that you have to get into this state on addiction recovery websites?? I wish this info was more widespread
    Catharsis likes this.

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