Diary of a dude who used to be in the age 19 section.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by HowToKapow, Jul 21, 2016.

  1. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Nofap 112

    No sugar 2

    Didnt buy any sweets yesterday so big success. Not much to say today just gotta keep posting.
     
  2. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    112 part 2
    Watched another vid I really wanted to share cause it jumped on my top 3 of all time yt vids within 5 minutes.


    I wonder what the world would look like if this video was shared in every school once.
    Edit: if anyone decides to watch this put it at 2x speed, dont waste time
     
  3. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    113 nofap
    3 no sugar

    So I just had a relapse dream, which almost turned into a lucid dream because the insane P urges I had there were very out of character for me. Ended up being an insanely soul crushing dream because if the strategy I have right now was to fail, I think theres nothing else left to try.
     
  4. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Thanks so much for the encouragement, helps a ton!!
    I can definitely still keep going, the urge from the dream, while super strong, wasnt actually a P urge, it was the pang I get when I dont use the internet for a while (still addicted there) but increased tenfold as to mirror a proper P urge. So looks like my brain cant find the old "real" urges anymore. 3 PMOs a year would be awesome indeed but ive been in this so long, i just expect more from myself, probably a perfectionist approach but I cant help it.:rolleyes: thanks again for stepping by


    Nofap 114
    No sugar 4

    Im going to extend the duh scale in my signature by applying it to the ultimate question "Whats my reaction when someone tells me i have to sit in a room 4 hours by myself with absolutely nothing to do and no meditation allowed". The reaction to that questions shows reliance on distractions or as I like to call it, degree of freedom (I guess free will in a way? Extent of addictive nature)
    So now the duh-scale turns into the duh-dof scale, which rolls off the tongue really nicely. My own reaction to this question is very admittedly terrible so just shows im a dude with highly addictive personality. Im also implying with this though that its possible to change this nature so that will be my ultimate goal. Wont get there faster than 2 more years.
     
  5. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    I have not but I feel like I can judge myself easily on it cause im quite extreme on every stance

    Very high openness
    Very neurotic
    Low in disgust
    High introversion
    Medium contientiouss (working on it tho)
    And also im very orderly for sure yeah.
    I used to be very extroverted but bullying trauma actually made me flip 180 degrees so im working on overcoming that. And i think my perfectionism also comes from it. I have some degree of PTSD I believe but im working on getting rid of it.
    The self criticism for sure has to go if we want to self actualise.

    117 nofap
    Sugar 7

    Couldnt post for 2 days cause I did so much intense healing I was too tired to type anything. Got around 1% of total healing done in those 2 days though I believe. My duh scale now predicts that ill hit 365 days of no P very very easily and I think so too, in fact id bet my left arm on it.
    I wish i could make it go faster with the healing its such an unbearable tunnel. But the process only works when I can concentrate and the process itself constantly challenges that concentration, so it gets harder and harder the longer I go.
    The limit I can take is until I vomit but luckily I always manage to stop shortly before that step. But if I were to keep pushing, I would have to stop anyways.
    If I keep going after vomiting, I would probably faint. Its hard to convey in words how hard this is to do and I am shocked every day at how much I suppressed.
     
  6. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Looks like we are almost identical. I forgot im also very low on agreeableness but because im partly fawn on the 4 F scale that kinda got hijacked. I have no idea why im low on disgust however. I do have a feeling of having seen "the worst" of humanity maybe that is related. Might aswell be because i know how impactful it was on introversion.
    I have read the parts of walkers book which were offered for free online which is around half but puzzled together. Funnily enough a year ago I would not have said that I fit his diagnosis. My survival strategy throughout school was come home, pretend nothing happened, next day. So I stuffed it down really well actually. Only 9 months ago did I feel like something was fishy and started meditating like a madman (450 hours or so of practice 3h formal 9h waking mindful, if youre interested in reading about that journey page 6 to 10 are where it happened) because people said its the magic bullet. Didnt do a ton for me however. Now that im digging in my old trauma, I fit the ptsd symptoms 100%. I restored all my numbness but now I do have textbook emotional flashbacks. Step 1 is always awareness as per usual and im slowly and steadily getting there.

    Im going all out with the process even though I get symptoms because I never really felt in my life like I was in control. Now I have it, i can do something that 100% correlates with me getting better w/o fail. On some level I feel like as long as I have any downsides from the bullying, im still getting bullied. And Im too stubborn to take that.
    Then theres my kundalini i caught 6 months ago (see page 10 first post) (carl jung actually researched this for years and got really scared of it, i can see why) which is basically an organic 24/7 running completion process. So even if I stop the practice, im still doing the practice so to speak.
    Thanks a lot for your support!

    118 nofap
    Sugar 0

    I relapsed hard on the sugar today unfortunately. Still its already been worth it to have this streak going because I know the urge for sugar will eventually die down (I dont really have a sweet tooth usually) so Im just biding my time till I can go back to my old self.
     
  7. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    120 nofap
    Sugar 2

    Thought I had some exciting anti procrastination tactic to share but it fell flat again.
    Really sunk in today tough that everything apart from internal healing doesnt really matter. Im still gonna hustle but its basically like playing very seriously in a game. In the end its whatever.
     
  8. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    123 nofap
    5 sugar

    Changing emotions are changing my worldview. Before this streak I felt like everyone was addicted to P, because duh, quitting is impossible.
    Now I feel like duh, no one uses P, because doing it is weird and gross.
    This is the way to go to quit an addiction, the only downside to this path is I cant feel good about having achieved something because its akin to patting myself on the back for breathing air. So deep change is permanent but theres gonna be less feel good yes I made it involved in it.
    Im figuring thats how its gonna be for everything.
     
  9. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Nofap 124
    Sugar 6

    In 200 days I will be able to confirm if shadowwork alone can change thought patterns (I already suspect the answer is yes but it might be placebo).
    A reason I just heard why its likely a yes is the reframe. Memories are stored in our brain, and they morph after every recall, depending on emotions at the time of the recall. If we are 5 times in a row in a good mood when a "triggering" memory hits, its gonna soften it up every time. Thats the basic spiral idea.
    Nowadays on my very best days (like once a month good) I dont get a single negative thought. Im very optimistic that by the time I upped this to at least 20%, its gonna snowball itself into my thought patterns.
     
  10. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Crying in a corner at night basically, heh. Nothing so far has worked for me for this, shadowwork seems to be fixing mostly my problems with my emotions and thoughts when Im alone for now. I hope when thats done I can move on to the huge dissonance when being social. But at the moment im struggling even more with this because when Im alone I now feel like 10-15 times better than otherwise, even with 1 person in the room I can feel the fawn creep in right away.
    I have watched the second video a few months ago, it really hit home with me when he described the evil with the nazi "work makes free" analogy and how senseless and cynical they made it. (I think that was in this vid? I only had time today for parts of the second vid, I will watch the other tomorrow and respond to that again) When I got harassed it also had this element of cynical completly unnecessary and sarcastic attacks, coming out of nowhere mostly and thats when I started putting up my guard 24/7. I feel like ill be rewatching the second vid like once a year basically forever lol.
    Ive seen the first video and whats funny is I actually went through the phase of seeing the cruel fantasies I was capable of (and sometimes it cycles through a bit like in waves) But they never came to me in thoughts in word form but always in picture thinking (I think about 80% in words 20% in pics) I think I am not yet able to let them through in words and its easier to bypass suppression with picture thinking as there is a delay between interpretation and appearance.
    Its rather frightening to see it the first time but after having assigned them to the "black wolf" inside me it feels more alright to express the thought. Im only like 25% done with integrating cruel fantasies i believe (especially because Ive 10000% suppressed them for my whole life)

    Great job on doing this, this is definitely my goal also but its extremely hard for me as I have multiple mental filters around people that check "will they approve of this or no". I realised that when Im incapable of saying anything, its because multiple different filters put me in a lock where nothing works. I usually have something to say but often it doesnt pass the good enough to not direct anger at me threshold. When I was young I would take sentences of others and reword them in a way so they keep 100% the same meaning so that there was no way they would disapprove of it. Shattering of all this is gonna take a while, at the moment im mostly focusing on speaking my truth when alone, which is considering putting as much time as possible into the things I truly want. Im gonna implement your approach when I focus on social interactions.
    Thanks a ton for making me ponder a lot with your post!


    127 Nofap

    I have a new strategy for procrastination that works well for me. I break my workload of for example 4 hours into 30 minute blocks, but I offer myself the chance to "donate" minutes ontop of the 30 minute block to the collective.
    So for example if I do 35 minutes without a break Ill donate 5 minutes to myself, which Ill subtract from the end. Its still the same thing in the end but it feels like im doing something good for myself and so im more motivated.
    This is my default mode now, and sometimes ill just shove in as much as i can without break. Its key for me to guess properly which mode works better for me at any given time.
    Overall I havent thought about P in quite a while now.
     
  11. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Nofap 130

    Flow state where everything works out easily and no procrastination is even on my mind is not simply just a toggle on/off. There are degrees of it and im moving on average up but very slowly.
    I measure my flow state based on how often i check the clock (every 15 min = lots of resistance, every 30 min = average every 50+= pretty much flow cant ask for more)
    I used to be 15 min only but now I consider 30 my average. Getting there.
     
  12. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    132 nofap

    There is a thing going on in regards to people giving up on nofap alltogether which i can relate a lot to.
    Its pretty much a long term rebooter trap which happens due to overanalysis of relapse circumstances.
    Basically when I would note down reasons for relapse and situations when I relapsed, the list would be so long after a year, it basically turns against you after a while because you start having to second guess every action, the nofap "help list" turns into a bully in a way. And also we think obeying it 100% is the only way to success.
    And the funny thing about it is that the list is often wrong anyways, addiction is too twisted for 1 sentence zingers about why a relapse happened. I have been too bored, too horny, too stressed, too sleep deprived, sick, whatever already and still it doesnt really matter.
    Following this strat makes nofap actually harder over time. Sometimes I see people change their final goal from complete recovery to once a week because their list is too intrusive and according to mine I should be relapsing every other day
     
    Bauldr likes this.
  13. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Usually I put another layer on top, I evaluate the evaluation and sometimes the evaluation of the evaluation haha. I should have been more flexible with switching around methods for quitting P like 6 times as fast but I was too stubborn and blew too much time.

    I agree with 100% dropping all of the mundane stuff the problem is i cant do it at least not yet. Youre probably thinking about putting asceticism in place to change yourself but for me I need to have a lot of transformation to go to be able to get there even in the first place. Definitely go for it if you feel capable of quitting all these right now. The good life is going all in while simultaneously realising how pointless it is.
    Also my big problem is that excessive tv and social media are not fulfilling but neither is work in the moment i do it, i only feel fulfilled after I did it so the choice is every day still a hard one for me.

    Glad to hear that you also got into the no fucks given zone. If that stays, youve overcome the addiction right there. Funny that I never read about the fact that you have to get into this state on addiction recovery websites?? I wish this info was more widespread
     
    Catharsis likes this.
  14. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    The post was fine tbh if you hadnt said anything I would have never noticed anything. :D
    I know the disheartening feel youre describing and my biggest problem here is that there isnt a strong emotional indicator for me that I did something wrong when I binged on gaming or movies. I feel a little buzzy and get some self induced guilt but otherwise, nothing. When I used P I felt like absolute shit afterwards, every time. Thats why I feel like P is the easiest and simultaneously the hardest thing to quit out of them all. Easy because it makes a lot of sense to avoid it cause of the bad aftereffect, hard because of the strong urges. I struggle MUCH more with medium urges no drawback things however.
    The white knuckling thing can be ported over to anything I believe because if you listen to hard workers they also talk about it like its no big deal. I dont know how much more I have to go till I can get into that headspace but its likely gonna take much much longer still. P was over for me after 2 months of healing but my procrastination is still going 88% or so as strong as day 1 now 7 months in...


    Nofap 100 something (cant see the counter on mobile)

    So I had my first urge today this streak:eek: I cant handle them any better than years ago, made me feel like a toddler getting hit by a truck cause im really not used to cravings this strong anymore.
    But even the strongest urge is easy to beat when I feel like ill get at least 50 free days out of it. But to still have urges this far in its like dang, my old self never stood a chance.
     
  15. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member


    I am trying to get to this level. To be so high up in the count, that these high cravings are a rarity and that if I do have them, I can recognize them to be a temporary lapse. Good job on your run, it is truly inspiring
     
    HowToKapow likes this.
  16. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Yeah even when it got quite intense I always knew at least on some level that Id never pull the trigger, which is exactly the opposite from what Ive done in the past (fighting but knowing its in vain). Its great to be at this point, it was hard to get here but after the climb is done its quite easy. Havent urged since so thats awesome. Thank you for your encouraging words, I hope youll get there soon too!


    Nofap 142

    This week has been rather uneventful overall. In regards to procrastination, I noticed that switching around tasks at least semi regularly adds to my energy levels, its like each task has its own willpower tank. So I factor this in in regards to how many breaks I need. 2 hours of the same stuff? Needs more breaks than 4x30 minutes.

    After around 4 months of pushing my productivity im up around 40% which is a lot more than what it feels like, its because I the more workload Im able to do the tougher I am on myself.
     
  17. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Nofap 144

    Forum is a lot more active than it used to be a few months back which is great, maybe it has to do with new year resolutions.
    Doing very good with emotional releases, now that I know where to "scratch" it may still feel shitty but it feels shitty in an oh dang that hits the spot way.
    Thats probably the most twisted feeling ive ever had, looking forward to strong nausea, but well, it works. Getting more impatient too however, because some issues just dont want to go away yet.
     
  18. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    145

    Cant sleep but thought of some new ideas.
    Lately ive dubbed any growth in the outside world fake growth and all internal growth (removing root causes) as true growth.
    However i feel like it would be more adequate to call them shallow growth and deep growth.
    The problem with shallow growth is there is bad shallow growth and good shallow growth.
    Im gonna define all bad shallow growth as things that would have become obsolete had we done the deep growth first.
    Addictions are a major spot for bad shallow growth because we do all kinds of stuff to better handle urges, but they can be surgically removed in its totality.

    On average ive seen on the forum that people believe that around 50% of urges come from external problems and 50% brain habit that will weaken if they get a good streak.

    Id put my pie chart at:
    75% emotional baggage 20% brain habit 5%(!!!) external circumstances.

    I feel like the idea that externalities only make up 5% in recovery is rather obvious if we look at the general population (rich people are addicted, accomplished too and so on)

    Even though everyone has different goals on the outside world, because inner change requires undoing not doing, everyone ends up at the same final destination in that regard.

    Addictions are theoretically a good thing because they are THE ONLY 100% universal signal that true growth is required. Otherwise its basically impossible to measure progress on that front.
    Shallow growth is still great if its not born from a fake need. But its often extremely hard to tell if its fake or real.
     
  19. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    146

    Adding to my last post, if we look at it this way: because on my theoretical pie chart emotional baggage is weighted 15 times stronger than external situations, even a small fraction of emotional heal outperforms literal utopia in the outside world.
    If we heal 10% of all emotional baggage (maybe 30% of all baggage from age 0 to 8) that would give us a total relief worth 7,5%, which is worth utopia and then some. I always thought I could easily quit if I had a REALLY good external life, and maybe? I was correct, because after healing around 5-10% I was able to completly remove all urges, which would be equivalent.

    The big problem is that outside forces can take the 5% outside great life away at any moment, and because we factor that in there might be a buildup of worry around that which is toxic for addiction. Also usually what is considered the "good" materialistic life has high to very high maintenance cost, which is also toxic for addiction. So its hard to get the full 5% without drawback, maybe after 3,5% there are diminishing returns.
    Because healing internally cant be taken away unless you goddamn die its more safe, more long term, no drawbacks (apart from having to cut loyality with yourself and prepare to change in deep ways, but this is a short term problem not a long term problem)
     
  20. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Dang I actually relapsed once today after clearing 5 months.
    Looks like im STILL not 100% there yet but I remain very optimistic unless I get proven otherwise within the next month or so. I relapsed because I got frustrated with old problems resurfacing which I thought were gone for good now.
    Its not that it was a shitty day today, but the fact that it was too many bad days in a row.
    Ill stay more vigilant from now on again.
     
  21. 1234dyl

    1234dyl Active Member

    Unlucky man. 5 months is great achievement though.
     
  22. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    It happens man.
    Back on the wagon.
     
  23. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, TurtlesSmellNice. Please forgive. We can do this together.
     
  24. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Time for an update:
    Regarding porn, im doing alright (one lapse every 2weeks on average)
    I dont do it out of urges, I do it intentionally to calm my nerves.
    I severely underestimated the emotional pain that I had subconsciously and I feel like there is a reason the brain stuffs it down...releasing hurts more than the actual event itself and even now there is no end in sight which is just ridiculous.
    Before working on this i hated myself because of my trauma, thats mostly gone now but has at the moment been replaced by self hate for choosing such an insane path. (Which im sure will go too at least when things look up for real)

    The peak of this stupidity was reached when I fell into bouts of DPDR (depersonalisation disorder) due to the enormous amounts of stress i was putting my nervous system under.

    Im now convinced that when living alone without someone potentially taking care of you when things go sour, its not really a viable path.

    Then theres the fact that removing the bad parts of me legit still feels like some part of me died and that feels like a terminal cancer diagnosis for a few days.

    I really do feel like im over the worst though, and when im 100% stable again im actually extremely confident ill be able to drop P forever without missing it. I aint gonna lie I was quite glad porn existed during my dp period, it was the only thing that got my mind off for a while.

    So yeah its been quite eventful to say the least, the best feeling to describe my situation would be that ive given birth, but without relief (not quite yet at least):D

    Its actually impossible not to regret this route. The brain holds trauma really close to the super deep core which i actually never knew existed.

    Thank you by the way for the encouragement guys and sorry for the late response, it really helped me i just didnt get around to responding.
     
  25. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    WOW that timing though bauldr, sadly the counter is outdated hahaha
     
    Bauldr likes this.
  26. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice


    Filters never worked for me at all honestly, and my best streak of 140 something was done without filters. It probably works for people who are not tech savy enough to circumvent it but if you can and you are horny enough to want to relapse you are also horny enough to circumvent it.

    However ive come to appreciate the idea of willpower a bit more overall lately as ive seen some examples in a few journals where raw WP got them a lot farther than I had expected so i would say that if you look at filters like a 2% improvement in abstaining and not the end all be all (optimally youd completly forget youve set one) im sure then it would help those maybe crucial 5%
     

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