Diary of a dude who used to be in the age 19 section.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by HowToKapow, Jul 21, 2016.

  1. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Also adding to the last post, the level of overwhelm trickles down to the next levels, depending on how well 1 sticks, 234 become impossible. Ive also had it where it ramped up on 23 because my brain associates internet with P
    Not much to report today
     
  2. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    I had so much social anxiety today, i went out came home still had social anxiety at home, dreamed about social anxiety during a nap and woke up with it still being there, fading around 3h later.
    would have loved to numb it but P wasnt appealing still. Looks like im making some good progress
     
  3. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    The holy grail of abstaining is liking MO more than P
    The holy grail of being productive is liking work more than leisure
    The holy grail to getting ripped is prefering the gym to the couch
    and for socialising its enjoying being around others more than the reverse (i believe intro and extroversion are fluid to a certain extent
    I got to the first grail so far, and that happened in a snap, 1 day to the next. I have to believe the others will appear out of nowhere also, to make the work worth it im doing.
     
  4. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    The beliefs I listed above cannot be changed through thinking differently. Its because we dont think about core beliefs all that much during the day.
    I would have thought if I managed 80 days it would had to be because I thought very positively, but turns out they are almost identical and overall quite negative lol (and also carry the same weight behind them) its just if I check on my beliefs, pmo is greyed out. So while positive thougts dont help, negative also dont make it worse (yet I used to blame all my relapses on them)
    That being said because my core belief about my self image is a little bit better, im going to have to change my thought patterns now, no shadowwork will do it for me and they feel super outdated.
    When I think about how I suck, it now feels like buying a 8 year old smartphone. I dont even question if its good or bad, it just feels like a relic.
    So even if there was no payoff i have to remove the shitstain from my window. 90 day positivity challenge incoming yay I guess :rolleyes:
     
  5. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    When Im working on healing or when I have healing dreams, sometimes I receive weird imagery I have no clue what it relates to at all. Or a small story that feels like it was made up (it probably was) but that made up story was smartly put together by a subconscious who has kind of forgotten the real memory trauma related to and releases through made up things.
    After its over or I wake up I will write down potential symbolisms i an attempt to find a pattern that makes sense. I DONT do it to improve the effects of that session (because you cant with thoughts, the work was already done the minute I stopped diving) but to get a starting point for the next! Often I fail but 40% of the time I get at least a hint of where I should go towards, thats good enough.

    Also I realised that all issues are connected and affect all problems. Problems with sexuality can cause procrastination, even though they seem unrelated. In chakra theory though, the 3rd point (the one for willpower) is right next to the one responsible for sexuality. Because it takes longer for energy to move to points that are farther away (only a little bit longer though, like miliseconds) closer points are like water more strongly connected.
     
  6. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    There are countless flavors to some emotions ive never felt before (mostly to the negative ones) that I have "unlocked" now. Anxiety can be warm pressing, sinking, icy, splitter-y, bursting. Sadness has a full scale of undertone which gives it like 10 flavors (from desperate sad to happy sad and everything inbetween)
    Has a bit of a "learning how to walk" flavor to it.
    I noticed I have to ask myself how im feeling more often now because sometimes I might be anxious but I dont even realise it cause its not only sinking but sinking-icy-ish and on my radar, that doesnt register as anxiety.
     
  7. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Best release today yet BY FAR, good enough to be almost certain that I can consider my P addiction as beaten. If reregulated receptors can help me with the shadowwork too, maybe ill get to the root of the other issues quicker. Ill keep journaling about my relationship to P until day 90 in a week and afterwards ill start journaling about beating procrastination addiction as the next step.
     

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