Diary of a dude who used to be in the age 19 section.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by HowToKapow, Jul 21, 2016.

  1. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    HowToKapow -- hope you still think Turtles Smell Nice!

    I've caught up on your journal and just want to support you on your journey -- and to thank you for staying with me on mine. It's good to break this journey into manageable parts -- MO without P IS a big deal! So keep on with that!

    I imagine school's starting up, so I wish you the best. Take care my young friend -- and thank you for lending me strength.
  2. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Thank you guy, hell yeah the turtles smell amazing and yes its starting up again, gonna be especially annoying because less sleep has definitely been a trigger for me in the past. However ive been running low-ish on sleep anyways lately due to some insomnia, which I sometimes like to handle with a preventive rescue MO just blast it out even though im not that horny at a moment but where i suspect massive vulnerability. That removes any odds I had of a relapse at that time and it also finally allows me to use my ability of being able to predict potential relapse spots pretty well. The week is not done yet but im at 2 MOs so far, its hard for me to count sometimes because i dont get the hangover effects that remind me of the exact number (on a PMO relapse i get a predictable 2 day curve of feeling like shit, day 1 really bad day 2 it lingers a bit)
  3. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    I want to make another entry in this journal because i recognised something very important. I have already tried shadowwork to beat trauma in my latest streak attempts, and yet I noticed no benefits in my thought patterns that lasted. So i gave up on it again. However, as i now realise, shadowwork isnt meant to change your thought patterns. It is meant to soften up old trauma pathways, so you voluntarily change your thoughts to make you feel good. I have already tried positivity challenges before, but I felt like an asshole during them. So clearly that did not work.

    But to measure how ready you are to go to the next step from shadowwork to positive thinking (and grattitude journal stuff) is what i like to now call the "I love me" test.

    If you tell yourself "I love myself" if the feeling that bounces back is terrible, shadowwork is needed, otherwise positive focus works. When i tell it to myself nowadays i get a tingly feeling and no bad reception so im motivated and ready to now change my thoughts who, even though they are still the same, are now receptive to proper change. Now the real transformation begins.
  4. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    im 15 days in now and i went through all the books ive read over the last years and looked at which ones i liked the most. My preference has shifted a lot, but im fairly confident that its gonna be locked down how i have it right now for a long long time.

    The best books that any addict can read are, in my opinion

    1. The Completion Process by Teal Swan (overcomes past trauma and negative self reinforcing core beliefs)
    2. Feeling Good by David Burns (stop habitual negative thinking after the trauma has been cleared or at least softened up)

    The other good book ive read is Rich Dad Poor Dad cause financial advice is always great.

    Books i thought were good but have at least a few problems:
    Slight Edge (too much mental masturbation, main concept really obvious, also we arent held back from achieving success because of lack of concepts but because of emotional resistance)
    War of Art (Too negative, solutions are too weak when applied in action)
    The Power of Now (written by a dude who got really lucky and had a spiritual awakening in a day, so he does have some informations as to what the other side looks like but he cant relate to the struggle to get there)
  5. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    day 19

    Im trying to put into words what is making this current streak so much easier than my last ones (around 10 times easier, and im not overestimating here)

    Then i read a post on catharsis journal, which made it pretty obvious for me. The reason is

    I feel disgusted by porn, at all times of the day and even when horny. My emotions demand a MO in that case. Now the question is, how did i get here. I think it has to do something with

    1. Being okay with your sexuality, in fact almost taking pride in it (but really mean it, gotta be deep seated - problems here are probably also linked to trauma at least in some way)
    2. Learning how to make the MO as enjoyable as possible. (and truly meaning it when you can tell yourself "i prefer MO to P")
    3. Learning how to feel all emotions, as much as possible, so your brain only needs the orgasm and not the numbing effect. If you need the numbing, P will always remain superior (see the books i linked 1 post above)

    I used to get the feeling of disgust with porn a few times but in a way that felt insulting, because i knew it wouldnt last. I thought my brain was taunting me. My predominant emotion in regards to P was shame, which is akin to falling down the stairs and afterwards breaking the leg yourself if you notice its not broken as a means to punish yourself. Somehow it wasnt just shame in regards to P only but also shame in regards to my sexuality overall.
    Catharsis likes this.
  6. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    I thought about something i thought was really important today in the morning. A theory that i think is extremely important and i think can be used to measure success with abstaining from PMO

    I like to call it the duh-scale.
    if you think something, like say "I wont watch porn for the rest of my life"
    Whats the first emotional reaction (no bullshitting yourself)

    strong level of anxiety -------------------- no emotional reaction ------------------->the "yeah of course i was gonna quit anyways (duh)" feel

    strong level of anxiety:0% odds of succeeding willpowering feels like fist against wall
    No emotional reaction: works but willpower needed, always running from it,
    (the "i can get 200 days but the relapse odds are always there")
    Yeah of course: low willpower required, very high odds

    important to note: this reaction is rather unfluid but can change around once or twice a year

    this works for everything. The anxiety is triggered because your subconscious recognises it needs the numbing. Its a natural mechanism to keep you sane.
    I very much disagree with the idea that the brain thinks porn is like the real thing. At least 95% of the brain knows. If you need the numbing, the subconscious will pretend its the real thing, so it can protect itself from well, itself.
    Gonna put this graph into my signature cause i believe its important. Hope it helps someone.
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2017
  7. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Day 23

    Doing great overall with no P, havent even had the urge to peak. Also when I see suggestive pics, I make sure they dont pop up again (for example on youtube I get them out of my recommended) The fact that I do this habitually has always predicted the next 10 days for me in a positive way, not farther however because for some reason that habit actually fluctuates. Making some good progress tho, so far the duh-scale is correct.
  8. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Day 27

    The problems with the emotions inspiration and enthusiasm in regards to P:

    If you are enthusiastic about quitting porn during an urge, the mind can hijack it and make it appear as if you become enthusiastic about P. Or I would feel inspired to quit but during the urge that inspiration turned into P inspiration.
    Enthusiasm, Inspiration and Motivation are not directed emotions. They are like gas, will take the shape you put them into (or the subconscious mind will) Only disgust remains as the "disgusted AT porn" defense.

    I actually had a dream 2 days ago about P and I woke up almost wanting to vomit. The images haunt me, but not in the teasing a relapse way, they actually help me stay off. Still easiest streak ever so far.
  9. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Cant sleep so might aswell post

    Quitting porn wasnt worth it to me in my last reboots. Its more than obvious to see why. The benefits of no PMO are great, but abstaining was the hardest thing ive ever done. Weighting those, the benefits are overwhelmingly for relapsing. Now the balance has shifted, and i consider not relapsing actually worth the effort(havent had to willpower yet but if i did, i would now)
    If we put the effects of no pmo at a 20% overal mood boost (seems about right to me from experience) how often are we on average willing to willpower for that?
    Personally for me id be willing to willpower every 14 days to maintain such a benefit. Anything more and id say fuck it.
    So right now id be willing to willpower twice within 14 days, cause im already at day 29. I got some "worth it" coins stored in my mental bank and i know i can rely on those, they tend to pierce through strong urges.
  10. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Hit 1 month

    Feel like I MOd zero times this month even tho it was in the ballpark of 15 MOs. I actually feel kinda unhealthy without a frequent MO schedule at the moment. Gotta work on procrastination, turns out procrastination isnt at all about what you do instead of activity X, its about how not to do X. Sometimes i would easily consider lying in bed the whole day just to get around some activities.
    Not a single emotional wound i got during my whole life has completly healed yet (even though i thought I was over at least 85%) its just been suppressed or rationalised away. The more you chase after feeling more emotions the less need for P there is because Ps whole purpose is numbing. Sometimes I would crave for MO but then after im done I realised dang, I wish this would have numbed a little bit more (or at all, MOs dont really do it...) but its usually in levels I stil can handle its just effort.
    Its ok to carry around a little bit of trauma and you can still unhook from P. In fact if I had like 10% less emotional trauma 3 months ago I would have already been clean forever. If I had to be perfectly emotionally healed not to be addicted, no one would be able to be clean. Gonna be bold and say my relapse odds for the next month are a flat 0%. (just to test my duh scale again) Gonna update if I get some interesting insights or in case of relapse.
  11. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    I really liked a view i heard on youtube lately, the idea that by age 20 everybody deals with a range of 10 to 100 emotional traumas (with varying intensity). Thats the natural state, someone whos done shadowwork enough can fall below 10 but being a human is just a messy "condition" LOL so someone being raised below 10 I honestly cant see as very likely.
    Now, its almost impossible to tell where on the scale someone falls but in my opinion the extent of addictive personality has a very high correlation with emotional traumas (becomes addicted extremely easy = closer to 100)
    In cavemen times we basically had to lock away all traumas, because from experience depending on what issue you tackle shadowwork leaves you weak for the whole day (intense headaches, nausea) but sadly thats whats needed to proplery process. But if you were "disabled" like that for 150 days straight, impossible to survive. So biology made it so we take the hit to the base mood level by maybe .8% but less instant repercussions that would leave the person vulnerable.
  12. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    I actually fell quite hard for a girl I met lately but it allowed me to see in what new way I view love.
    The old emotion of love I had was one where there was an intense sense of need (because I also needed the numbing) so the idea had to be that she had to soothe my wounds. Now i view it very differently, in more of a life enhancing way.
    Dont get me wrong, there are still very strong emotions and even then I know I would be extremely sad about a rejection - but it would not be the end of the world. Makes it 300% easier for sure.
    I believe that going into a relationship with the love emotion having numbing attributes creates a codependent relationship from the get go.

    Also the advice given on "if you have multiple women you wont care about the one you lost" is kind of a half-truth. It does work pretty much, but only because you can replace your numbing pill instantly. So that need becomes met continuously and doesnt rely on one person.
    So thats the way how trauma that even was unrelated to women and sex perception can warp the perception of those anyways. Its fucked up because the more i unravel from emotional trauma the more I see how little of a shot I had at a good life previously. Im eternally grateful for having a P addiction. Otherwise I would have never suspected somethings up.
  13. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Just wanted to share this awesome video I found lately:

  14. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    The main reason why I meditated the raw hours I have a few months ago was mainly to "exercise my brain" because I thought brain exercise is the most valuable thing you can do. Because if you exercise muscles, youre getting the muscle growth and nothing more. The brain exercise would give you not only benefits for wellbeing, but I imagined it to be as some coins you can spend for whatever you want (an exercised brain would have no trouble generating muscles for example but then you could also do some other stuff). The biggest thing meditation can do for you is to increase your focus, when you are actually working. It will make it slightly more likely that you do something but increase the productivity of that task by a good 20%.
    However it wont change your paradigms at all, nor the emotions. As in, how well you vibe with something (hence I made the duh-scale). Vibing with something is increeedibly important, but not for short term memory or productivity at the task but long term memory. The things I retained the most were things I vibed the most with at that given time. Which is why reading books in a state where you cant really VIBE with them mostly a waste of time. I retained the concepts but they dont translate into real life. Luckily I can still recall a few things, and now that im vibing with them they are a strong force. So I guess its not that worthless, but basically if I hadnt taken the extra step to be able to vibe with them, they would have been worthless for life.
    Basically you get some "life advice" coins you have to get at the bank but security will only let you through if you are at a certain frequency level emotionally.
  15. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Day 40

    The unfairness of the fact that age 0 to 3 also gathers emotional trauma really hits you when you work on releasing those. The problem is, trauma gets softened by
    -Feeling in control
    -Intellectual maturity
    -Emotional maturity
    A trauma gets imprinted the moment it happens and the intensity is decided by how much the above 3 can soften the blow (or coping mechanisms)
    But a baby has none of that. So the trauma gets imprinted and its incredibly scary. My parents told me i was a baby who rarely cried and had a good first 3 years, and yet STILL releasing whatever is there is incredibly hard.
    And also super creepy honestly. The emotions that bubble up during childhood drama have this spooky and dreadful emotions packed into them, while older traumas are just nausea and headaches. Not fun.
  16. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Addiction recovery rates are abysmal across the table. /r nofap had a survey once about the record streak of people there. From 2500 or so people responding, only 1% managed to abstain over 150 days (and even then there are plenty of "rebooted for 150 days and relapsed" stories) More than half never had a streak longer than 30 days. Studies show for addictions overall that only "1 in 10 americans beat an addiction in their lifetime".
    So emotional support and deep emotional work is still in its infancy. Even the shadow work im doing i wouldnt rate as anything above stone age. Even I could think of an upgrade to it, put the correct yoga moves together with shadow work at the same time because trauma gets stored in body tissue too. However Im not very good at yoga nor yoga theory and I dont want to use myself as an experimental lamb so im not going to attempt it.
  17. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    "75% of the relapses I had has been because in the night beforehand I had these pornographic dreams" Is a quote I just heard a few minutes ago. Ive also had pornography dreams, 3 in total this streak.
    During dreams what happens on the outside is random but if there is a "you" in the dream, the reaction to the dream is honest. So if in a dream you run away from something, probably you are indeed scared of it in real life. My reaction to P in dreams has changed fundamentally, which means there was a core shift. I used to lust after the dream, wanted to be in it longer, I was happy in that dream relapsing. Now, no joke, I wake up from a P dream with nausea. Its hard to convert over text just how easy that makes streaking. These semi-weekly traps have become boosters to reinforce my positive core belief about P being degenerate.

    EDIT: fuck it ill just go on a 5 minutes rant over something thats been bothering me for a while. The fact that quitting porn is beneficial, and yet the people that need it most cannot really have it. Its a typical "rich get richer" fallacy and its INFURIATING. When I look at other journals and see how hard people are trying with legit motivation and putting everything behind it, yet relapsing over and over again. Every journal is filled with a graveyard of hope. It makes me want to scream out on the top of my lungs and vomit, the fact that people who geniuenly have the will to improve (one of the most noble things to do in my opinion) have to fail like this over and over again.
    Just had to get this off my chest. I wish i could just share around the benefits of my current streak and start over. /rant over (and yet it will keep me awake again tonight lol)
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2017
  18. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    I dont think I have posted this yet. This is the best video I have ever watched on the internet, period. Its long but every minute is worth more to me than a day worth of work. If anyone who sees this has 50 min to spare, please, do take a look.
  19. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    I am having some bad few days, I think im in a withdrawal period where my hormones adjust. Yet still no urges. Now for some reason I am able to handle more stress than I used to, looks like I already had to relieve with PMO at around 25% stress capacity. That means I had to be afraid of being stressed. But why? I actually just paused writing for 3 minutes to ask myself why. Honestly I have no answer. I think there might be passive stress and active stress, passive stress being the gloomy electrical current of slight unease and active stress is the only one we consider actually stress so obviously I could take more. Seems like a good enough explanation to me.
  20. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Fuck it 2 posts today why not.
    Im thinking about my emotions as an emotional body. Whenever we start a streak you ask your emotional body " hey boy wanna go for a walk"
    Well the question now is, can he walk?
    Bad parenting= 2 broken ribs
    getting a bad grade in middle school and never getting over it = cold sores
    now if he cant walk, we have to carry him. If he has just 2 broken legs, he might comply and we carry him until we run out of stamina. That stamina can indeed be trained but we are still just human and someday wed rather not carry another person forever.
    If he has too many fractures, he might actively fight to be put down (heavy urges)
    If hes healed enough he will walk on his own, and also want to (common misconception the vid 2 posts above adresses: If i feel good all the time, why would i do anything?)
    Of course there are grey areas here too (emotional body can walk but only a few steps on his own) but thats too nitty gritty

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