Diary of a dude who used to be in the age 19 section.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by HowToKapow, Jul 21, 2016.

  1. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    NO PMO 6

    Shadowwork is different every day and for every scenario. Sometimes one of my old selfes tells me "yo I want to feel relieved too but theres still some negative energy here can you take it over for me" even though I changed the situation, and then there is a raw amount of negative feelings coming up (very similiar to kunda but more deliberate) and then I get the sense of relief. Sometimes an old self transforms into a monster because its so enraged. After it calmed down I get the relief. I also get the relief from PMO. Admitting that to myself is important. The addiction does serve a purpose, my subconscious is trying to do the best for me - and that course of action is to lock itself away through PMO so I can lead an ok life. But I want a GREAT life. So I remove the lock, take it all in, move forward.
     
  2. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    NO PMO 7

    I now feel inspired to quit all mindless browsing. Inspired, but still anxious about it actually. Quitting stuff like this will never be easy. All im asking for is that at any given time, I still believe in myself and the worth of what im doing. And right now, 100% of myself is behind this decision. When im online, I will NEVER multitask (usually it would take me a while writing in this journal actually, because I would have 3-4 tabs next to it open). Reddit, facebook and instagram I will not allow at all (ill put reddit at 10 minutes a day for a bit)
    I have read a study that the most addicting part about the internet is the novelty factor (click new click new) and anticipation of "gold nuggets" (i actually dislike 95% of reddit and really enjoy 5% so thats exactly whats happening with me).
    Lets see if I can handle this. Probably will be beneficial to me also in regards to no pmo.
     
  3. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    NO PMO 8
    NoSurf 2

    So I had a P urge yesterday, and I noticed that with 100% determination, the urges are still as strong as ever, but they dont last as long (the tail goes much lower much faster and vanishes quicker too) and im thinking it probably has to do with subconscious negotiation. Willpower alone got me to around 80% determination but if the subconscious knows about the 20% gap it gets its hopes up, making it a cruel process.
    The rules for nosurf are simple for me. Im treating my PC like a TV apart from around 10 minutes a day. So no multitasking. I know this is fueling my addiction to multitasking and mindless surfing much less, because right now I am clearly withdrawing.
    Unlike P, the multitask surf urges are almost constant, like a small current of electricity weasling around my brain. The advantage to this is, I can monitor my behavior and see how much everything I do fuels the addiction. (if I get a relief, I satisfied the addiction). Kinda pathetic that im struggling so hard with this, but I wont berate myself for it nor feel guilty.
     
  4. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    NO PMO 9
    NoSurf 3

    I already went a few days without reddit but if my brain knows that I really intend to quit multitasking, it goes into withdrawal the second I start. No PMO is going great, no multitasking lowers the odds of seeing triggering pics drastically.
     
  5. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    NO PMO 10
    NoSurf 4

    Strong urges today but I didnt cave. Nosurf is already getting a little bit easier (maybe placebo or will come back?) Its possible that I wasnt as severely addicted to the internet as I am to porn. Would be good news cause rebooting on the internet for 3 years would be annoying. Id rather have it be just a habit im kicking, but so far it seems to be a mix.
    Im running out of things to shadowwork, so there are periods where im just sitting, almost like breath meditation. So i have to scale it back down again, because pure breathing meditation is triggering me too much.
     
  6. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    NO PMO 11
    NoSurf 5

    Had a big breakthrough today in shadowwork. Shows me I cant abandon the practice, I might turn it off and go for metta only if I get 20 days in succession of no new things to "treat"
    Right now I feel like fucking shit but in a good way, like I just had a perfect workout and then some. I got there by noticing the hostile nature of an urge I had and I started questioning it, sat down and went into shadowwork and I got there.
    Didnt even have to fight the urge, the urge was rooted in a past trauma I had. Great day today.
     
  7. HeyRevolver

    HeyRevolver Active Member

    Your doing great HTK, working through your urge is far more valuable than against it. That you realise an 'urge...rooted in a past trauma...' is crucial. I remember a book by George Collins talk about asking his clients, the moment when an urge strikes one should ask themselves, when have I first felt this way? Keep on with the self-exploration, if it's painful, it's likely working. Ain't that true about most medicines ;) Keep on man!!
     
  8. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Thank you revolver for your encouragement! Im still doing everything like then, but I still relapsed yesterday.

    NO PMO 1

    I think its because I kinda stopped applying the ferocity I used to have for a while. I have too much respect for the urges, so I tried to soften them up to manage easier. But I didnt face straight no matter what. Ill be putting some raw energy behind it again. Hopefully its gonna finally pay off.
     
  9. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    I have faith in you my friend. I guess we're in the "same boat" again...I will send strength your way to apply the ferocity. You ARE a fighter and you ARE one of my inspirations. Thank you. Regain your strength, man!
     
  10. HeyRevolver

    HeyRevolver Active Member

    Apply the ferocity, show no mercy! If you can get through week 1, trust me on this, you can get as far as you want. Urges can't kill, all their power is complete pretence, and because we ascribe them that power. Our experiences have loaded them with it. Ask yourself, what's always true? Being an addict is just living in contradiction, there's always one more video, scene, actress, ad nauseum. There's no satisfaction past maximum satisfaction. Perhaps even turns into pain. Take care of the day and the weeks take care of themselves HTK.
     
  11. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Its very true that urges do get smaller after 1 week, but for some reason ive started struggling more the longer I go. After 40 days it gets really hard for me. Why is that though? I think I found the reason for it. Thanks a ton for your encouragement revolver!

    NO PMO 2

    The deeper I go into a streak, the more I try to get motivation from fear of losing the streak. "Punish lurks around the corner" motivation. That gets stronger the farther i go. But I find its very inefficient. Motivation based on potential positive changes works more.
    So what ill do is write in my calendar for every day im doing, I write 1 thing I quit porn for, 1 thing I know ill get when I go infinite and ill put my whole spirit behind this WHY. Focused on the positive and ferocious. It will never be fucking easy.
    My current favorite spiritual teacher talks about addictions like "fuck the law of attraction for addictions, you gotta want it and you gotta push and its gonn be a challenge always just do it"
     
  12. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    NO PMO 3

    Some big insomnia today, hope I can catch on some sleep tomorrow. Todays WHY is more energy in the day. Ive had glimpses of this already on long streaks. Being able to appreciate everything much more and having more strength on every day.
     
  13. HeyRevolver

    HeyRevolver Active Member

    Thing is with 'streak' is it seems too invested in the 'day count' mentality, and short-termism. Its a journey of sobriety, a lifestyle change. Quit porn but by no means be preoccupied with this aim. Porn occurs where living stops, get busy living HTK.
     
  14. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    HowToKapow -- you're doing so well! We're on this trip together and every day you don't PMO you're healing. We do what we can -- count days or not. Focus on whatever you need to focus on to move forward. Just don't stop GROWING!

    You are an anchor for me, man! Thank you!
     

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