Daily Log

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by bladewalker, Sep 30, 2017.

  1. bladewalker

    bladewalker New Member

    Day 1.
    THE BACKGROUND

    I am 17 years old, in one week I will be 18. Adult. Fuck. That shit is scary and its the kinda thing that really shocks you into sorting your life out properly, so that's what I'm trying to do. Its hard to remember when i started to watch porn, it seems to have always been there, but i know i was very young. Maybe like 9? to begin with it was just searching for photos of naked women on google images out of childhood curiosity, but by age 11-12 i was watching porn. I can still remember the first time i masturbated, and i was definitely still in primary school so 11 or younger. anyways theres the background, been trying to stop on and off since like 14 but only with short spells of actual motivation, longest i've gone is probably like 10 days. but i'm here now.

    THE VISION

    I live in the uk, i'm in second year of sixth form college (not like american college), and seeing as the whole point of this journal is to be honest with ourselves, i'm pretty academically gifted. my whole vision and motivation for quitting porn is to live out my potential, because being clever is a gift most people waste and i will not do that. i'm applying to university, and the university i want to go to is Cambridge, to study economics. to get in i need to take an entrance exam (2nd nov) and go to an interview (early dec) if they offer me one. interviews require confidence and the clarity to communicate ideas, which i need to build, so i want to build confidence. obviously i want to build my confidence for general reasons as well, to relate to people better. so getting into a good university is the first part of my motivation.
    in a week i see myself having sent off my university applications
    in a month i see myself acing the entrance exam.
    in two months i see myself acing the interview.
    in three months i see myself getting a letter, whether i get a place or not is less important than whether i feel i gave it my all, and if i don't feel i've given it my all the reason will be i spent too much time on pmo and not enough time reading up.
    in a year, i'll be at university, wherever i end up going. i see myself armed with the social skills and clarity of mind to make friends and work hard, ill be exercising regularly and having the time of my life.
    in four years, ill have graduated with a first class degree, and from then on ill devote my skills to whatever i think will have a positive impact on the world. cliche i know. i wont lie, i care about the money, but i dont want to be a billionaire. that said, i'd like to live in london when i'm older, that shit is expensive, and by getting a good degree i can get the paycheque to cover it.
    so theres the main motivation and vision
    other parts of my vision feature my skin clearing tf up! its not awful, but its noticeable acne and it makes me kinda depressed and contributes to a small lack of confidence, not to mention clear skin is pretty and ill feel better in myself.
    also featuring is a healthy relationship with friends, which i already have, but theres always room for improvement and growth.
    i also want to exercise more, and get a slightly better body, i'm not bothered about being big and muscular, its not my style, but i'm really really skinny as i am and its a bit abnormal. i'm cool with it, but it would also be cool to be a bit more filled out, and exercise is good for you anyways. i'm not gonna be doing all that gym shit, il be swimming and walking, maybe some press ups and home work outs, but i'm not tryna get bulky anyway, hopefully by doing whatever exercise makes me happy my body will naturally improve. swimming is the best one, i love it, you cant sweat when you swim, and your using your whole body.
    i also want to make more time to watch all the films a man should watch, and get a comprehensive knowledge and understanding of film. anything else. hmmm. gonna go to the toilet and think and then come back and write some more of this vision, i'm on a roll.
    obvious obligatory aim of being closer to girls in a romantic way is a given. i interact with girls all the time, but they all see me as a friend which i'm cool with because the kind of girls i'm friends with aren't my romantic type. i guess i need to talk to girls i wouldn't normally hang with , maybe see if i can flirt instead of chat how i normally do to gals. think thats mostly it.

    THE URGENCY

    well its urgent because i'll have a university interview in two months.
    its urgent because i'm almost 18 and my adult life has to belong to me.
    its urgent because ill be moving out in a year and i want to spend time with my parents (divorced when i was one, i'm cool with it) before i move out. dads 61 and you know anything can happen nothing is certain so i want to spend as much time as i can with him. friend of mines dad died a year ago from cancer in his early 50s, so i know now how lucky i am to still have both my parents.
    its urgent because i need to experience the real world and real women asap, i've wasted so many opportunities in my time... a year ago i knew for a fact a girl from school had liked me for like two years but i never had the balls to ask her out, it wont happen again.
    its urgent because if i don't get into the habit of exercising when i am young, i might never do it.
    its urgent because the best way to fulfil my dream of living in london can be best achieved by getting the world class degree i'm aiming for. so yeah its urgent. gotta ace that interview, gotta get clear skin to look like an adult not an 18 year old 12 year old. gotta spend time with family. gotta watch films, read books, connect with people, get into nature.

    THE PLAN
    how am i gonna do it?

    (open to suggestions on this part, what works for you folks?)
    i will
    go on a 20min+ walk and experience nature every day (walking to college doesn't count)
    meditate for 10 mins each morning and evening
    write in this journal or a handwritten one every day or near enough, 3-5 times a week is good
    read
    read
    read and read books, articles, fiction, non fiction, whatever
    films, watch some of them
    e.x.e.r.c.i.s.e!!! swimming, twice a week at least, push ups, leg exercises, abs stuff on days where i dont swim.
    work in the library mon-fri as hard as i can to ace my A levels
    cold showers? heard about them... do they work? i always just waste 5 mins trying to shower cold but then end up turning it warm
    sleep enough, try to get 9 hrs a night, 10-11pm until 7-8 am
    drink plenty of water! hydration = brain clarity
    spend less time on my phone, i think in the house ill have like an 'anchor point' for my phone where it doesnt leave a few meters from a certain spot, ill put this anchor downstairs in the middle room so i cant fap (mostly i fap using my phone to watch stuff, by keeping it in the middle room i cant do that and ill realise when i am and hopefully stop myself)
    write to do lists! ensuring i dont put too much on and allowing time for big breaks, otherwise i wont do any of it and just pmo instead.
    as i said any other suggestions would be useful

    well that was a long post, good. feel really good after writing that. be back for day 2 or 3. now decided to commit to no capitals, it's unnecessary effort. nice to meet you, daily log, see you soon.
     
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2017
  2. Matei99

    Matei99 I hope One day I'll be cured

    well i really like that that you organize yourself.
    Did you ever had ED problems?
    Good luck in your reboot.
     
    bladewalker likes this.
  3. bladewalker

    bladewalker New Member

    Day 2.
    Good day, but my success has been mostly because I've had a full day with family round and a concert in the evening, other days I won't be so lucky as to automatically be occupied all day. Haven't done much in terms of work, but a positive day with family and friends, also got to meet one of my favorite bands this evening which was amazing. I need to make sure this week I don't spend too much time just sitting around on my phone or computer without a specific task otherwise boredom will lead to pmo. Failed to get my 30mins exercise today, but going swimming tomorrow morning followed by a day of working on my university application. Going to get a solid 8hrs sleep ready for the week now.

    In reply to matei99, never had any ed problems in major terms but I reckon after a few weeks of quitting my erections could probably be a lot stronger than they are now, I'll have to wait and see. Thanks for the luck too - and good luck to you!! We're all on the same road

    Onwards and upwards
     
    Matei99 likes this.
  4. bladewalker

    bladewalker New Member

    Day 4.
    Standard day, no PMO. Been doing college work most of the day, find it quite hard to concentrate on reading and I hope this is one thing that might improve in the coming months of recovery, i'll have to see. feel like i'm still riding the wave of original willpower, which is guaranteed to run out tomorrow, so i need to occupy myself with books (and not my phone) need to find a suitable anchorage point for my phone at my dads house - the desk in the middle room should be ideal. have kind of forgotten about anchoring my phone thus far but for about a year now i've been in the habit of leaving it downstairs at night and never taking it into my room - which has a great effect both on sleeping and lack of pmo - on the five or so nights in the last year that i have had my phone in my room (because i needed to be in contact with it) i have woken up and laid in bed on my phone until i inevitably reach porn. that doesn't happen when i leave my phone downstairs, and i never look at porn in the evenings in bed like i used to. just a bit of advice for you kids - leave your phone downstairs! it also helps me to care less and be less compelled to look at social media. need to get in the groove of doing proper resistance based exercise but i have been on track with the meditating, sleeping is pretty organised, need to read more, but journaling is on track too. pretty good so far, gotta resist the crash tomorrow, in the past i've always found myself more likely to relapse at my dads house - i think its because i'm often more bored and don't have a table to do work on or a really comfy sofa to read on so i can't do more useful tasks than pmo as easily, but ill be sure to compel myself to read tomorrow, and anchor my phone as soon as i get in.

    hasta la vista
     
  5. bladewalker

    bladewalker New Member

    Day 5.
    Tougher day as expected, with some moments of weakness. since about 5 in the afternoon i've been looking at pornstars on twitter, going to websites and quickly clicking off, getting 5 second doses. while i didn't look at anything for more than a few seconds and didn't fap, i know i need to resist the urge to even look at porn for a millisecond. must keep going though, and look forward to a better day tomorrow. i will not turn 18 as someone who watches porn.
     
  6. bladewalker

    bladewalker New Member

    Day 8.
    So, I've been going strong on the no masturbation front, but the porn front? not so good. Been taking a few peeks at videos then stopping myself, but I know this is just keeping the addiction alive. I was about to go to a porn site just now, but was saved by the link to my log in my bookmarks. although my main aim is to kick the masturbation habit first and foremost, I don't want to keep porn either. just gotta keep focused on my vision. i have now applied to university, and so the waiting begins. still need to get more exercise each day. in myself, i feel good, and i had a great 18th birthday weekend with my family and my friends, I feel like I'm beginning to appreciate the non-porn ways to relax like tv shows and reading and music much more than i have in the past. the new blade runner film is amazing, i'm a huge fan of the original (i promise there's a point to this) and in the film theres quite a few instances of nudity, but i felt like i was starting to be able to look at that in an artistic and stylised way as opposed to an objectifying way like you would at porn, which is a very positive sign that maybe everything is on its way to becoming less sexualised. on another note, had a weird spontaneous erection today just as i was showering off after swimming (public place, bit embarrassing i know) think it was partly to do with circulation and the temperature change from the cold water to the hot shower, still that was pretty cool i guess. anyway gotta stop with the peeks at porn, stay focused on school work and university. skin is also showing some signs of clearing a bit, good sign.

    anyways thats pretty much it i think.
     

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