Bruce Wayne's Journal - Fixing the Broken Bat

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by BruceWayne, Jan 16, 2014.

  1. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    What I want to do now is do a better job at quitting porn. Keep porn use at zero and MO only once a week maybe less. I also want to start improving my life in certain areas.

    I notice that I can improve my relationships with family and friends. I also really need to start lifting weights again. Also want to do a better job at keeping my house picked up. Limit clutter for sure.

    My depression could also use some work. I don’t do enough to help myself in that area. I have a lot of negative thoughts and cynicism.
  2. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    I think that I’m not working hard enough to change my life. Not working hard enough to help my problems. Some stuff that I didn’t list above would be my social anxiety. This could use some improvement for sure. I can be socially awkward at times.

    Also I still need to improve my love life. This is one reason why I want to get back to lifting weights. Having a good physique helps a lot in this area. I also should get some new clothes and a haircut. I have not been putting much effort into my appearance.

    Also could use a confidence boost in the dating area. I frequently feel like I’m not good enough. Probably the main reason why I’ve been single so long. I don’t feel I’m good enough for who I’m really attracted to.

    The next thing I need is urgency and to not let myself be lazy and lay around all day. I also need focus.

    Overall my life could just use more effort.
  3. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    I think I’m going to quit taking kratom every day. I’ve been taking it off and on for about the past 3 years and I find that it makes me very lazy. I turn into a couch potato. Probably since it makes me feel good and relaxed I feel like I have no reason to get up and do something that requires effort to make me feel good.
  4. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    I’ve contemplated leaving this place for the past few days. I just don’t feel like this is a place that can help me anymore. I feel that way because despite getting some really good advice over these past few years, I find myself almost in the same spot as I was when I started.

    I think I’m at a point where the only person who can really help me, is me.

    I have all the knowledge that I need. There’s really nothing more for me to know about porn addiction.

    I feel that it’s all in my hands at this point.
    yearofchange likes this.
  5. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Experimentation is key to developing new strategies to overcome this addiction, so anything that can shake up your system and give you that mindset and resolve to not give in I'm all for it.
  6. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Also YOC this place is just dead now. Ever since UD left along with a few other prominent figures, there’s just no useful discussion anymore.

    I don’t feel like people can get the help they need here unless they are willing to dig through a bunch of rubbish to get to it.

    That being said, I appreciate you popping in here. I think you’ve been the most consistent at that and for doing that I am grateful.

    I’ve actually been frequenting the reddit nofap page and despite some immaturity here and there along with some pseudoscience, there’s a lot more support there if you need it.

    I still haven’t made my final decision on leaving this place but the more time I spend there and the less I spend here, it’s becoming more tempting.
  7. 1234dyl

    1234dyl Active Member

    Hey man some of us still find this site useful! Lol don’t leave
  8. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    I might give it a bit more time to see if activity picks up here. Otherwise I’ll probably be out of here.

    I’m on my seventh day of no PMO and I haven’t been this far away from porn in probably a year or more.

    One thing that has helped is changing my mindset and keeping my sights set on my long term goals.

    Realizing that I’m 27 and am still addicted to PMO and not only that the affect it has on my self-esteem has been helpful but also realizing that if I don’t quit now, I’ll be addicted for life is a scary thought.

    I’ve been having some porn flashbacks these past few days which have created urges to look up porn but one thing has been helpful to me is externalizing my addiction and not seeing it as a part of myself but seeing it as it’s own entity.

    This sums it up:

    Also the urges these past few days have helped me realize how much I needed porn to function. There was no more enjoyment in it anymore. It was like wearing really tight shoes just to experience the joy of taking them off. Shout out to @lepetitmonster and his book for that.

    I’ve been having a lot of brain fog these past few days and definitiely a lack of motivation. There’s not much I can do about that though so it is what it is. If anything I’d characterize how I feel as depression. Just an overall lack on interest in everything. All I want to do is lay on the couch, watch tv, browse the internet and sleep.
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2018
    yearofchange likes this.
  9. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    I was the same last week for a full 6 days. Couldnt leave my bed, and when I did it was to watch Netflix or play games, and then come back to bed to sleep again. I think that was the dopamine cycle. Just refrain from anything dopamine-producing for a day or two and you'll prolly be back on track after that. Brain just needs rest to balance those chemicals out.

    Oh yeah NoFap has a much more active community for sure. I have a kind of fondness for yourbrainrebalanced, but even I've tried making an account on NoFap before. Anyway, as long as you are on the path to become who you want to be, you do you. Whatever's best for you and your journey. I left here for many months at a time, only to come back when I needed it, and right now's a time where I need this place to write my thoughts down and gain clarity in my life.

    Here's to better times, friend. That we may be free from these chains one day and look back at all this and laugh, be merry and proud of who we have become.
    BruceWayne likes this.
  10. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Had a dream where I had sex with a pornstar last night.

    I’m assume it was because I was having some porn flashbacks yesterday and it was also my 8th day away from PMO.

    I think stuff like that is a pretty big indicator of your brain being screwed up by porn.

    I was thinking about a few things the other day.

    One of those things was is how crazy it is that our brains essentially think we have 100+ girlfriends because of porn. I was counting up all of the different pornstars that I would rotate when I’d watch porn (this is ill-advised because it will create urges) and it topped 50 and there are many more than that.

    So your brain is producing copious amounts of dopamine for each one and even more since you almost never watch only one video or look at one picture.

    On top of that, most likely since we’ve started using porn, we almost never give our brains a rest. It’s no wonder so many of us are screwed up with things like social anxiety, general anxiety, depression, depersonlization, etc.

    I was thinking about how I really haven’t been my true self since I started PMOing. I remember when I was 11/12 was when my life really started taking a turn for the worse. I lost my confidence completely. Was a shell of my former self and as life went on it got worse.

    Granted there were things going on that were very stressful at the time but I wonder if I didn’t have PMO at the time to cope with them if I would’ve handled them in a more healthy way.
    1234dyl likes this.
  11. 1234dyl

    1234dyl Active Member

    I have dreams like that too sometimes if I find myself fantasising before bed.

    In a weird way PMO might have helped you get through the hard times. I smashed uni and Was a porn addict throughout.. helped me to deal with stress and paper over cracks. But now we know there are healthier ways to deal with what we’re feeling and that porn and external stimuli in general is a bad way to deal with things long term
    BruceWayne likes this.
  12. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Yea, it may have helped me. Just wish it wouldn’t have led to addiction. PMOing really put a damper on my teen years but it is what it is. Can’t go back and change that.

    In a way it still helps now and that’s one of the things I’m trying to overcome. I’m trying to become a much more emotionally mature person and I’m trying to get better at managing my stress.
  13. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Today I had probably one of my strongest urges so far. I was playing some playstation and I was just about to finish up. While I’m getting ready to shut it down I keep having this thought pop up to go to the internet browser and look up this one scene I have viewed in the past.

    I went to the browser, stared at the screen, took some deep breaths and walked away. Went and made a protein shake.

    I just tried, as best as I could, to mindfully and calmly watch my urge and what it was trying to do to my body. I could me feel my heart start to race and my mouth getting dry but eventually as I waited it out it dissipated and now I’m here writing this.

    It was just anothe way for the addiction to try and get me to act out.

    I’m at a point now where I pretty much expect to get urges in certain situations. They’re mostly times when I’d PMO the most. Usually at home by myself or once I’m alone at night.

    The addiciton has pretty much thrown everything it has at me but I figure as long as I remain calm and mindful I’ll be fine.
  14. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    PMOed twice yesterday. I didn’t want to admit but I had a feeling it was going to happen due to how much porn fantasy and porn flashbacks I was having the past few days.

    If I could cut down on that and get to the point where the thought of porn barely crosses my mind I could go on forever without porn.
  15. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    PMOed again earlier.

    I really need to get myself to not think about porn at all.

    I let myself think about it too much. Certain scenes and pornstars play in my head and I indulge myself in them which fuels my urges.

    Also this depression and lack of motivation needs to be dealt with. I literally don’t feel like doing anything besides play video games which isn’t healthy. Nothing sounds interesting to me.
  16. 1234dyl

    1234dyl Active Member

    Don’t follow the chaser man!!! As you know A few relapses aren’t as bad as a full on binge.. claw yourself back if you can, get in nature.. anything to stop yourself pmoing
  17. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    I ended up going out with some friends for a few drinks. One of them is leaving town for a new job so we went to celebrate. I was very talkative and very assertive with myself. Cracked a lot of jokes and had a good time.

    I think this was very helpful for myself.

    Porn can no longer be an option for me. I can think about porn, I can’t think about looking at porn, I can’t have porn fantasies and I can’t be thinking about sex in general.

    NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO to all of it.

    I make the same mistakes a lot and one HUGE mistake I make is that I secretly still want to look at porn.

    You can’t quit porn and want to look at it.

    I need to figure out a way for myself to get to the point where I don’t even consider porn.
  18. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    I have so many thoughts running through my head tonight.

    I just know that I cannot let these recent lapses get me down. I need to keep my eyes on the prize.

    Something I’ve done a lot in the past, and this applies to any goal I’ve wanted to achieve is that when I have small setbacks I give up way too easily.

    I can’t let that happen with this addiction.

    As I said earlier, porn can’t even be considered.

    I notice that when I quit porn or say I’m going to quit porn I feel the need to replace that with sex. However porn and sex are not interchangeable since they are too different things. You can’t recreate porn in real life. It’s simply not possible.

    But this leads to paradox. Since I am someone who has not had much sex in his life and has not had many friends of the female variety in his life I feel that I should focus on sex and women when I quit porn since I feel that porn has limited me in that respect.

    Even though porn has in a way limited me it’s really my fault that I haven’t had much sex and haven’t had many girlfriends. Instead I should be blaming myself for A) looking at the porn and B) not trying enough with women that I’m interested in.

    I can bitch and moan all I want about how porn has caused all of these problems in my life but when it comes down to it, it’s the choice I make to look at porn that is the main problem and the choice I make to not do anything about my problems or the things I want in life are the other problem.

    However I will say that dealing with depression is difficult. Somtimes it feels like there’s nothing I can do about it but I know that there’s a solution for me. I know that if I put my mind to it I can beat my depression and not let it control my life and the same thing applies to my porn addiction.
  19. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Well just to be accountable to the people here I PMOed one last time before bed last night.

    However, I will not let these past two days get me down and I will prevail.
  20. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    I think I need to start focusing on what’s more important in life.

    For one I need to start taking steps towards overcoming my laziness and some of my fears.

    I also need to stop beating myself up so much and being hard on myself. I cause a lot of self guilt by doing that.

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