Bruce Wayne's Journal - Fixing the Broken Bat

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by BruceWayne, Jan 16, 2014.

  1. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Thanks for the tips tricking mind. The problem with setting up a blocker and giving the password to someone else is that I don’t want other people to know about my problem. Two of my friends know a little bit about it but I really don’t want to go any further than that.

    I can’t help that part of my brain latches on to the dopamine rush of porn. So I’m going to stop beating myself up for getting urges or thinking about porn.

    I need to realize that I’m not giving anything up. I’m relinquishing a poison from my life. Something that if I continue to use it will fuck up my sex life forever.

    There’s literally no benefit from porn. At all. I mean I guess a tiny tiny portion of it could be educational but otherwise it’s useless and teaches nothing about how a man and women are supposed to have sex or interact. It’s a lie and I feel sorry for the people out there who shamelessly look at porn and are almost proud of it.

    I think I just need to be patient. Take things day by day. Don’t focus too much on this process and just try and live my life how I want to. I really need to take control of my life.

    I need to breathe. Stop worrying so much. Enjoy life. Stay positive. Stop focusing so much on the negatives of my life and cherish and enjoy the good things that are present.

    And most of all stop feeling sorry for myself. I need to realize that there are things more important than my feelings in this world.
  2. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Relapsed today and last night.

    I was in bed last night watching TV and the movie channels had a free preview for the weekend. Well, as I’m sure most you know they usually have softcore porn on late at night. I looked at the clock and it was about time for them to have it on. Well, I ended up flipping to those channels and sure enough one of them had some porn on. Watched it for about ten minutes until I felt too guilty too continue then changed the channel.

    Then today I was feeling very lazy and tired. So I spend most of time on the couch watching football on my ipad. I was home by myself and the urge struck me to look at some porn. Even with the blocker on I looked at some porn on my ipad. I know how to circumvent it, unfortunately.

    I just want to be done with porn for good. It’s just so difficult.

    I started reading russell brand’s book on addiction the other day. It’s pretty good. Provides some good insights. Still have a ways to go.
  3. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    I tried meditating today and yesterday. Nothing that long just 2-5 minute sessions. While I’m not expecting any positive effects right away, I do notice that immediately after for about 10-15 minutes I feel more relaxed.

    I hope this helps me with my anxiety and impatience. Also with my worrying thoughts and anxiety. If it could at the very least help me organize my thoughts that would be great.
  4. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Quick post since I have to go into work soon.

    I relapsed last night and this morning. I think I flat out just gave in too easily both times.

    Also, I think I’m getting closer to what the root causes of my addiction are. I’m not 100% there yet. My gut reaction just isn’t there yet with this current idea but I think it’s pretty darn close.

    Ever since I was the age of 11 or 12 I’ve had this strong want to have sex. I think what triggered it was talks with my friends and seeing a few softcore porn movies at a young age and combined with my general curiousity at that age. I remember being way more fascinated with sex and women at that age than most of my peers. Looking back it could have been considered unhealthy.

    I just wonder if this deep “need” for sex that developed at that age and still carries on to this day, since I feel like I need to be having sex in order to be happy and not look like a loser, is part of what causes me to keep going back to porn.

    I’m disappointed in the lack of sex in my life so I use porn to try and fill that void which just makes things worse due to the unhealthy effects of porn use.

    I have this thought process where I think that sex/relationships/women is the final thing I need to be happy and so I can finally live life.

    All in all that thought process has just brought disappointment. I’m not the type of guy to be able to go out and score with multiple women or get laid regularly. I’m trying to live a life that isn’t who I am. I’m shy and introverted. Somewhat good looking but no stud. Still have a baby face.

    I’m going to keep meditating and keep doing self-reflection here to see if this is really the cause of my addiction but I have a pretty dang good feeling about it.

    Another thing is a huge pain in the ass for me in my life is my anxiety. I’ve been having anxiety issues for a long time. Unfortunately it kind of runs in the family. My mom’s side has it the worst. If I could get my anxiety under control my life would be a lot easier to live. I’m hoping that meditation helps with that.
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2017
  5. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Hey bud,

    Totally agree about the anxiety. As soon as I stop using P, my anxiety reduces... and then the longer a stay away my confidence grows and grows.

    Good luck man.
    tricking mind likes this.
  6. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    I PMOed last night after work. I don’t know what causes me to PMO really. All I know is that I got home from work. I had bought some food on the way home and ate that. Then I was just relaxing and unwinding on the couch and started to get some urges to watch porn and masturbate.

    I’m 100% sure that quitting porn use just because it’s bad for you is not a good idea. Because on one hand I have this strong association with pleasure with porn. It feels good. But then on the other I know it’s not good for me and that it can have negative consequences. It always just leads to a mental tug of war and drains my willpower.

    It’s obviously not a viable method.

    Maybe the root cause of my porn use is flat out lack of female interaction in my life. Perhaps I would benefit greatly from having a girlfriend.

    Almost any time I’ve stopped using porn or even thinking about porn is when I was dating someone or on the verge of dating someone. Or in a situation where I liked a girl and I knew she liked me back.

    I almost always rather have the real thing over porn.

    Right now though there just aren’t many women in my life to date. I’ve tried online dating and it sucks in my town. There’s just not many women on it. I think it’s because the town I live in isn’t big enough.

    Also all the women in my social circle have boyfriends right now.

    There’s one girl right now who I know likes me. She speaks with one of my best friends regularly about how she likes me. We became friends at my old job and now she lives in another state.

    She can be attractive when she wants to. We also have many similar interests. But due to the distance between us geographically, there’s really no point in trying to date. I can’t see myself enjoying a long distance relationship.

    Other than that options are limited for me.

    I don’t like going out to bars and clubs so trying to meet someone that way for the most part, is out of the question.
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2017
    Mr. Tony and tricking mind like this.
  7. tricking mind

    tricking mind Member

    U R right bruce...when our mind knows that there is girl where we can show our intimacy ,pmo thing become lesser priority so i think we r different case here we need a lot love and sex to beat this addiction, our brain chemistry and shame from this addiction reduced so much our chances to get real love but we should do our year might b i m going to married.u can see here majority of successful rebooter are get regular sex whenver they need or atleast there mind knows they can share intimacy
    BruceWayne likes this.
  8. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    PMO’d multiple times over the last few days. I don’t really feel bad about it at all especially since I don’t really experience any negative effects.

    Got some good news the other day though. My father came into a large sum of money which is great because he’s agreed to help me pay off some of my debt with it.

    This makes my life so much easier and less stressful because I literally have a mountain of debt from college.

    Besides that I’m doing good. The holiday season is upon us which I love. They’re forcasting snow in the next few days which I also don’t mind at all. I love it during the holidays.

    Really have no complaints at this point in time. Things are good.
  9. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Hey man, glad to hear all is going well for you atm.

    Shame about the relapses but sounds like your doing good not to let it out you in a bad way.

    Stay strong man.
  10. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    @chrism yea I’m a chronic relapser but I refuse to let them impact me negatively. Thank you for stopping by!

    I notice myself feeling sorry for myself about never having a girlfriend blah blah blah, yesterday and whenever I feel like this I realize how immature it is.

    It’s not healthy or smart in my opinion, to pin all of my hopes and dreams on some girl that I’m yet to meet or have met just haven’t asked out yet.

    Yea sure, I could get a girlfriend but is that going to solve my issues? No it’s not.

    Also, relationships can be shortlived. A girl can dump a guy at the drop of a hat for any reason.

    With this all being said I think it’s best that I stop talking about the girlfriend issue in my journal and just stop feeling sorry for myself and complaining.

    I’m going to stop writing about it here and will only mention it, if I happen to start dating someone.

    I need to learn to be happy with my current situation and myself and not rely on something outside of myself to finally fill the void inside me or make me happy.

    I notice this trend a lot in western cultural after having read about it. So many people aren’t happy until they achieve something or get something. Most of it is based off of obtaining material goods.

    Maybe that’s why so many people are depressed nowadays.
    Londoner and chrism like this.
  11. Londoner

    Londoner Active Member

    That's a great mindset to have. I should try this too.

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