Becoming a complete human being

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by NoDestination, Oct 1, 2016.

  1. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Day 1

    Thanks guys. Yeah. I see it clearly now. I somehow convinced myself that this one man army/lone wolf is the way to go. It is not.

    I guess I will keep on relapsing until I get all of my shit together. My social life is practically non-existant. Never thought it is such a problem. Next week I move back to the big city. Lots of people and lots of interest groups. I'll join a few.
     
  2. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Yeah you really should put time and effort in building a rich social network. That will help you on so many fronts. It covers your need for social interaction, wool provide distraction from staying home and relapsing and you are likely to meet nice women that way.
     
    Londoner likes this.
  3. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Yeah. I see it now. Everything matters. There is no magic bullet for P. Having a "complete" life is. I need to deal with root causes.

    I need to up my enthusiasm. When I have more enthusiasm for watching P than quitting P there is something wrong.

    I upped my enthusiasm for becoming a complete human being.
    This is the point for me I need to become a complete human being not some lone wolf. Everything matters.

    I need a framework to evaluate the completeness of my life. In essence there is

    1. what I do with my mind
    2. what I do with my heart
    3. what I do with my body
    4. the balance of mind, heart, body with connection to the universe.

    My heart is screaming I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE! Get a good girl or if not get at least some friends! Stop being alone all the time!
    My body is screaming DON'T SIT ALL DAY! Fuck, man. Enough is enough! Sitting is killing your body. MOVE!
    My mind is saying I have enough thinking. Go to a beach and think about nothing. Put the brain offline.

    Reminds me of something my QiGong instructor said. I am paraphrasing. Due to lifestyle some of the bodies natural warning sensors get disabled. With practice the sensors start working again. I feel like there is a control panel and everything is flashing with red.

    I have a lot of work to do! A lot! My first focus should be social life. After work I need to socialize. I'll start slow. Something simple. Catch up on some people I used to hang out with while at the university. See what they are up to. Join a few classes here and there.
     
  4. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    A friend came to some coffee. He has a wife and kid. When he left I felt a bit empty. Just reminded me of how I have 0 intimacy in my life. Strong urges. But I know why they are here. P will not make my problems better just worse. But P is a symptom not a root cause.

    Went to a birthday party of a buddy who turned 30. Like I expected, lots of couples and no single ladies. Found it hard to make group conversation. Where you sit at a table and there is usually one guy who is the story teller and other add in. I had nothing to add. Not my crowd. But it was good to get out of the house.

    When I went to the martial arts retreat and the qigong retreat I found it much easier to talk to people and do the group conversation thing. I guess much more my crowd thing. I guess it is both important to be with people and at the same time with people suitable for you.

    Man, I hate going to work tomorrow. The money is good. I sure could use 1 or 2 months extra salary. Money always helps. Will see. I move to the new apartment tomorrow. Will see how it goes.
     
  5. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    What size town or city do you live in?

    It's nice to have contact with people who've known you your whole life, but there's nothing wrong with spreading your wings and finding your own niche either.
     
  6. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Maybe something like 20K now. Moving to something like 400K.

    Cought something at the party. Diarrhoea the whole day. Wasted the whole day. Super tired and on edge of a cold. Just great.

    Browsed a bit of P. But it doesn't really turn me on. I am disillusioned. I just stopped browsing and closed the shit. Autopilot is strong.
     
  7. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Urges. So far the single best thing about mindfulness is the fact I interrupt myself when an urge hits me.

    Urge. Now what? I played a song that reminded me of a moment I shared with one guy in Greece. We were sitting on the staircase and sharing some life stories and this song was playing in the background. Enough to remind me that I am not alone.
     
    Londoner likes this.
  8. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Progress.

    Urges. But I interrupted myself. Thank you mindfulness. This is super useful. I used every trick in my book to not let get caught up in the urges. What helps the most is realize the power of P is in the promise. It promises to make me the ultimate winner. Unlimited women, unlimited pleasure. But I know, it is only for a short moment. Then I am left with even bigger hole in my life. I don't want to be the ultimate winner for a short time. I want to be a complete human being. Live a happy life. Make a difference in my life and the lives of others. I have a lot of work to do.

    But the pleasure is real. I cannot deny. PMOing feels great. But at what cost? If it is such a great thing, why do I always feel like shit after doing it? It feels great because it is like self fulfilling prophesy. Just like with smoking. Smokers look so lame. Again I imagine it feels so good because nicotine installed a need that you don't need and fulfilling this need you are rewarded by brains natural reward system which feels good. But the need in the first place is artificial. Just like with P. The need of PMO and the fulfilment is artificial. Fuck P, Fuck PMO. Real life FTW!
     
  9. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Relapse. Fuck it.

    Just had to attend the birthday party of my best friend. We go way back. A lot of people came. All of them were couples most with kids. Really rubs the salt in the wound. Some asked where are my kids. Oh, the joy. Would have made it fine. If not for lack of sleep and super tired from work. I usually sleep till 11.00 am on Saturday to recover from work. I hate sitting all day.

    I am working on plan. That 3 week vacation was awesome but it only made a dent. I need 3 month vacation to make a difference. I'll go plan now and book some airplane tickets.
     
    Thebeg likes this.
  10. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Is that really a wound for you, that you don't have kids yet? If things were up to you, would you have a family at this point in time?

    Personally I really don't mind the fact that I don't have kids yet, I never had this strong urge so far. Most people follow the standard flow and have kids in their 30s, so the question really doesn't bother me.

    Just curious.
     
  11. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Yeah, I don't mind kids either. Just really start to mind being alone. I'd like to have someone special in my life. And it looked like everyone knew each other and had something to say (it is not true but it looks that way).

    I cannot believe it. I move to my new AirBnB apartment. And the guy is an amateur photographer who casually does old school darkroom photography creation in the bathroom. Lots of chemicals. Lots of very dangerous chemicals that sit in the fridge. I don't think it is just mind stuff. But I got a pretty big headache and my throat hurts. I don't think he did the job right. Maybe I am just very sensitive to smell and he is used to this shit. Getting really tired of this eastern european improvisation. Slept terrible waking up in the middle of the night for the past few nights. Fuck this shit. I am outta here. Back at my parents house. Lol. The irony.

    But there is a good thing. Always Yang in the Yin. I planned to spend 3 months in the apartment and go to work still. While each day at work my heart-mind is screaming: STOP SITTING. GET THE FUCK OUT! NATURE, PEOPLE, MEDITATION, make it HAPPEN NOW!

    I'll talk to my boss and figure the shortest date I am going be outta work. Then I'll find a good retreat center and go there. I found some very affordable buddhist retreat centers in Europe. ~1000 EUR per month with bed and 3 meals per day. Pretty good. All the wellness centers are around ~4000 EUR per month with bed and food. Out of my league. I expect to work 4 more weeks then ~2 months retreats in Europe then CHINA!

    Always trust your gut. Always!
     
  12. Londoner

    Londoner Active Member

    I know how you feel about kids. I'm not in a rush to have them (though definitely want some in the future) but seeing everyone else with them - who then raise the subject! - just rubs salt into the wound of being single.
     

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