Back Again

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Mr. Tony, Jul 4, 2017.

  1. straightlines

    straightlines New Member

    Go you good thing, it's always great to have a group which you click with, makes those tough times slightly easier to bear.
  2. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    As straight lines says, much be awesome to have such a good bunch of people to hang out with :)

    Good on ya for finding such a nice group.
  3. Mr. Tony

    Mr. Tony Life is like a game of chess.

    Thanks! Back to the journal:


    Looked at porn longer than I intended on, and instead of lingering, I actually closed multiple tabs. I turned off the computer and read a few chapters of the bible today before heading out to a bible study tonight.

    One night, as I laid awake, I looked back on all the times I looked at porn, and said to myself: "With porn, I'm chasing something that's not there. It's like cocaine, is fun for a moment or so, but then disappears. Videos definitely aren't worth it, no matter how tease-inducing they are. It's nothing but a pure fantasy."

    I feel my brain slowly rewiring, but the process is only beginning. I am stronger than my addiction.
    chrism likes this.
  4. Mr. Tony

    Mr. Tony Life is like a game of chess.

    Back at Day 0 again.

    I have something that I feel that I must confess here. I didn't really go 10 days without looking at porn. I ended up relapsing at about 3:30 am last Saturday morning, and I edged to porn on Tuesday and Wednesday. I kept on playing with myself (literally and figuratively) so it was only a matter of time before a total relapse happened.

    I've been doing my best to read the bible as much as I could, and I even watched a couple of anti-porn videos that I saw on YouTube. Even with the stuff that was supposed to scare me straight, and it was really good stuff, there's a small part in my mind that is just not convinced at all, and leads me to going for porn.

    Two main problems that I had were that I was not staying off the computer enough. I should have gone to bed when I got home last week, and instead I ended up screwing around, which led to the first relapse. The most recent edging sessions were because I was constantly dicking around on the computer instead of just reading and/or relaxing.

    What I have to do is to stay the hell off of the computer as much as possible during the afternoons. (i.e. not going on the computer between 11am and 5pm during the weekday). I have to somehow, someway, peel myself away from the computer.

    I know that there is some way to fix this, and I have to act soon. What I would like to do is to find a job or something to bide my time, or some college courses I can take. Anything to keep those porn urges at bay.
  5. straightlines

    straightlines New Member

    It's all part of the journey, you'll have ups and downs along the way.

    I find it's a good thing you're admitting to indiscretions, you're taking ownership of your life and your decisions. You could have just kept sticking your head in the sand, kept mumm and pretend it didn't happen, but being straight out honest is a good sign you're taking this seriously. Take it as a lesson, build on it and learn so you don't make said mistake again.
    chrism likes this.
  6. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    As straight like new says, you have been true to yourself and have not just ignored the situation.

    Well done for this and yes not using the computer will help massively, and filling your time with other stuff is a great way to do that.

    What sort of college course do you think you would want to go for if you don't mind my asking?
  7. Mr. Tony

    Mr. Tony Life is like a game of chess.


    Probably just gonna try to get my Associate of Arts degree. I only have a handful of classes left before that.

    Day 0

    Just relapsed again. I kept on fighting those pornographic thoughts, and they won out in the end again. Nevertheless, I have to bounce back. Pretty soon, I'm gonna see if I can attend a church group that deals with porn addiction. That'll be the next step that I take because this cycle can't keep going on.

    Part of me wants to stop looking at porn so that I can live a normal life and how God intended me to be. The addict part just wants to sit and look at porn all day and just be content with being an addict.

    I wrote in late January that I felt like I was too far gone to be saved. Now, I have to take some more measures to fix this problem. When there's a will there's a way. My addiction will not define me as a person.
  8. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Hey man, ah thats cool :) Yeah man you should definitely go do those courses, and if you do start some courses, gives you something to focus on and possible a public place to go to do work, instead of staying in on your computer.

    I have had the exact same thoughts regarding 'just be content being an addict' but this is your addicted mind trying to trick you into thinking this way.

    It might do you well to go speak to people who deal with porn addiction. When I was in my old relationship (a long time ago now) I actually went to a therapist who specialised in porn and sex addictions, and it really helped a lot to have someone else to help me through it, to talk to about the craving and to go to someone in real life rather than on a forum. After seeing this porn addiction therapist I did the best I had ever done and beating this addiction. If you feel it could benefit you, go for it man.

    And you hit the nail on the head, Don't let your addiction define you.
  9. Mr. Tony

    Mr. Tony Life is like a game of chess.

    Day 1 of being clean.

    Woke up at around 10:30. Prayed late last night to God before I went to sleep, because I know He can help me fix my problem. Today, I plan to hang out with some friends of mine and watch some football and racing before I come home and prepare for work tomorrow morning.

    I have to learn to occupy my mind better, especially when it comes to being alone for long periods of time. And Sunday, once I get done with work, I'm gonna relax and watch football throughout the entire day and limit my time spent on the computer.
  10. Mr. Tony

    Mr. Tony Life is like a game of chess.

    Sunday recap:

    Got up before 8am to go to work. Came back home and got out of the house for half an hour. Didn't end up turning the computer off for the night until the two minute warning of the Sunday Night football game. One thing I remember doing is going to sleep at around midnight, and turning off the computer about an hour or so before sleep. So things are slowly starting to trend in the right direction, as far as Sundays go.

    This morning, I watched the "Busting Porn Myths" podcast. I'm on day three right now and I plan on getting out of the house for lunch, then coming back and reading the bible. Over the course of the rest of the month, I plan on watching a program on YouTube each day to help get my brain off of pornography.
  11. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Hey man, glad to see you had a good weekend, nice one!
  12. Mr. Tony

    Mr. Tony Life is like a game of chess.

    Day 4:

    Briefly peeked at some YouTube stuff, then closed my browser, shaking my head afterwards, wondering aloud: "This is the stuff that I used to get off to? How is this stuff so damned prevalent in society today?" I laughed at the ridiculousness of it all. I plan on reading my bible and possibly staying off the computer for a while.

    I feel like I'm slowly, but surely starting to re-wire my brain.
  13. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Great to hear man, well done for shutting down the browser and must feel good to know you are making progress :)
  14. Mr. Tony

    Mr. Tony Life is like a game of chess.

    Day 0:

    Just had a recent setback, but I am not going to let it undo all the process that I've made on this recovery. My plan is to go the rest of the week without perusing pornography. Last night, at a bible study, I listened as the teacher talked about fake love and fake intimacy, which is what porn provides.

    Porn is really and truly not fulfilling, and I'm starting to see that more and more as days go on. Even though I did relapse, the war will wage on. Gonna get out of the house, get some groceries, then come back and read the bible.
  15. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    totally agree, its a one way street, where you constantly give your time and energy and get nothing but wasted time and a lack of motivation and happiness in response.

    Glad to hear your not going to let this hinder your progress, hope you got some nice stuff on your food shop :)
  16. Mr. Tony

    Mr. Tony Life is like a game of chess.

    Day 1:

    Did a 100 yard bear crawl yesterday, and my shoulders hurt like hell. I guess there was a reason that I never played sports in high school. XD

    On to today, I'm gonna be listening to a video by Father Sean Kilcawley on the Emotional Costs of Porn, then I'm gonna read the bible, and afterwards, maybe cut the grass and do some stuff around the house. Porn really and truly is a fake intimacy. It always takes and never gives. But I progress forward. I've given many a dollar in my life to webcam girls that I will never meet, when I could have spent that money on stuff that could have helped me.

    The important thing for me is to stay persistent and keep moving forward.
  17. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Hey man,

    I've never heard of a bear crawl before but just googled it and ha ha looks pretty interesting, I might have to give it a go lol.

    Yes, exactly, just keep moving forwards.
  18. Mr. Tony

    Mr. Tony Life is like a game of chess.

    Day 2:

    Went to a football game last night, and then just stayed at home and relaxed. But along the way, during this journey, I've started to ask myself some questions about why porn has gotten as big as it is today. And I've had some interesting answers to those questions.

    The more I progress, the more I'm actually enjoying going out and doing things instead of just wasting beautiful days sitting at home and playing with myself. Seeing people happy makes me happy. That sort of happiness can't be gained by surfing for pornography on the internet.

    If I go the rest of the month without looking at porn, that will be (if my math is correct) 24 of 30 days without porn in August, and 27 of 30 days without O. Last month, I went 24 of 31 days without porn, and in July, I went 23 of 31 days without it. So I will have gone a total of 73 of the past 93 days since I restarted this journal without perusing pornographic websites. That's an almost 80% ratio, a ratio that I never thought would be remotely possible, even back in January-February.

    I feel that ever since I started hanging with the church group, things have started to change for the better. And even in the times that I've slipped up, I'm motivated to keep going and get better with time. And you can too!
  19. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Hey man, that is a really good ratio to have achieved.

    Nice work, and yeah you do seem to have made a positive change in your life.
  20. Mr. Tony

    Mr. Tony Life is like a game of chess.

    Day 3:

    Worked last night and just looked up some old baseball statistics. Didn't get any cravings whatsoever. I'll be hanging out watching some college football early this afternoon, then going to a high school, and afterwards, going to a bible study.

    Today is going to be a great day. The weather is nice outside, and there's potentially so much to do in that time-span. Why should I waste such a beautiful day fapping to porn stars that will never love me? The hell with that nonsense! I think I'll spend a little bit of time reading the bible as well.

    I also notice that when I don't fap, I feel like I have more energy instead of being drowsy and lethargic. One of my goals from here on in is to cut the use of electronics on Sunday evenings.

    Stay hungry, my friends. Your addiction does not define you.
    chrism likes this.

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