Back after relapse...starting fresh

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Skywalker11, Jan 1, 2017.

  1. Fry2

    Fry2 Active Member

    Be grateful for the opportunity to learn. Not hateful...
     
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  2. Skywalker11

    Skywalker11 One day at a time

    Have you ever had an ex drop you cold turkey like that?? It's pretty fucked up. I told her I loved her and three days later she broke up with me. You'd be hateful too.
     
  3. Fry2

    Fry2 Active Member

    Man, do you want to be with a girl who doesn't want to be with you? I don't think so. I'm sorry for your pain though.

    Something in both of your relationships probably went sour long before your ex actually quit. Enjoy your hate, maybe it's actually healthy in the short run to vent and let off some steam but then you may want to dig into the stuff mentioned above. It's uncommon to get dumped twice in a short timeframe without any prior warning(sign). Have you talked with your exes about their reasons? You sure you chose the right women in the first place? Did you really love them or was it fear or being alone or is just your EGO injured right now that you got dumped? Any red flags or character flaws with the girls you might have ignored? Anything you would do better next time? Were you needy or weak? Etc.. Etc... Usually there's only two options: you picked the wrong girls or you were the wrong guy for them. In both cases working on yourself and selfreflection is involved / necessary. And this is really a chance for you.

    It's just how I would handle the situation: If a girl doesn't want to be with me, I'd just tell myself fine, I'll stay single then and work on myself or find another girl who does want to be with me. I'd recommend reading cjm's journal to see how he managed his break up.
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2017
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  4. staythecourse

    staythecourse Active Member

    Ive definitely been there bro. Time definitely heals. No contact. Let a great woman come into your life by being your best self. I cant say enough about Corey Wayne, but whoever you can find to help you out is good.
     
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  5. Skywalker11

    Skywalker11 One day at a time

    Both relationships lasted two months. The first one was with a 24 year old (I was 32). I don't think she is ready for a serious relationship and I am. The second girl I dated is 32 and a recovering alcholic. She has 5 years sobriety in AA and attends al-anon. However I think she is a sex addict, like me. Both women have avoidant attachment styles. I have an anxious style but I think I was more secure in the second one. Either way, the commonality I noticed is when I told them I loved them the relationship quickly crumbled. In the second relationship I told her I loved her and three days later she broke up with me. I attach too quickly, perhaps too needy to use your words. I think both women are cunt bitches who I wish nothing but misery on. Yes I know that is unhealthy and not helpful to my recovery but I think they are evil women. I pray the second one ends up in an abusive relationship. She told me I was mean, that she felt like she was walking on egg shells, that we wanted different things in life. This is all bullshit. We never had an argument, I never lost my temper. I think she was seeing that I was committed and it scared the hell out of her. Avoidants always have an escape route, they tally flaws in the other partner and jump ship when they feel suffocated. I think both breakups have more to do with the other person than with me. My part is to stop being a love addict and to work on myself. God will bring the right person into my life, I've no doubt about that. I think both women have a lot of work to do on themselves and on their attachment style because avoidant women are headed down a dangerous path. You do that with the wrong guy and you may end up with a rearranged face due to some man's fist. I do wish the second ex gets her fucking ass beat one day.

    I'm angry, I'm going through withdrawal perhaps. No one likes being dumped and the way she did it was really fucked up. We had just returned from a mountain trip with no indication that she was unhappy. Then she comes over and says things arent working for her. WTF? Why go to the mountains with someone you're about to dump? Why go on dates and why tell the person you love them too when you're about to dump them? Fuck that, thats called playing games. She'll get hers. I truly believe in karma. Truly.
     
  6. Mendoza

    Mendoza Active Member

    You can spin hate all day long if you wish. But in the end, do you think all of this negativity, self-loathing and ill-will towards these women.. will serve you in any way to rebuild your life? That question is up to you to answer.

    In light of what you said, I wish you a happy year, one in which you will NOT fall in love. Or rather, a year dedicated to falling back in love with yourself. Imagine a beautiful year free of the chains of affection and approval-seeking from other women. Only accountable to your needs, to your goals... all reachable within. Now wouldn't that be nice? ;)
     
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  7. Skywalker11

    Skywalker11 One day at a time

    Yes. I can't help but be resentful. It's better that I talk about it, get it out in the open, own it, and then let it go. Over the holidays I binged on porn and sex and it led me to a very dark place.

    So yes I know I sound angry and I know what I'm saying does them no harm but it's what is on my heart. I also hope I don't fall in love this year. I'm a love addict and need to work through my codependency issues before I can bring a complete person to a relationship. I'm really sad and hurt that the last one dumped me so out of the blue. I really liked her and thought this one had long term potential. Then she just iced me and I haven't heard from her since. That's a shitty thing to do to a person IMO. Sorry but I think it's shitty to lead someone on and then dump them as soon as they start getting serious. And then to not reach out to apologize? Nah man, fuck that bitch.
     
  8. staythecourse

    staythecourse Active Member

    Ive been there. Best thing to do is no contact and let it happen.
     
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  9. cjm

    cjm Member

    I can understand how you feel, iv'e been there but the truth is its not helpful to see yourself as the victim. If you look carefully you might find some of your own behaviour was also part of the reason for the break ups (Looking back now i tend to see this more). You yourself say that you have been needy, Ive been like this too in the past, its really not attractive - especially for a man (i feel like it may be more of a forgivable trait in a woman)

    I was a mess for quite a while after my ex, but in time I realised it wasn't all do do with her, but also a load of other baggage I was (and still am to some extent) carrying around. Sometimes we (well I certainly did) jump from one "relationship" to another, using them as a sort of band aid, but when that band aid gets ripped off....

    women are mysterious creatures. She may have taken the trip with you, been observing your behaviour, then decided you weren't for her. I remember my ex spent last christmas with me and my family then dumped me after (well technically i dumped her but only as she pushed me right into a corner and made things so shitty that i got angry and ended it. I tried to reconcile later but of course she wouldn't as she had got what she wanted)

    As to her reaching out after - I think that when a woman is done with you, and the break up has not been "cool" but messy and emotional with the guy trying to cling on (ive been there before a couple of times) you can expect for them to not reach out to you to see if your ok or whatever. Ask yourself this. Were you desperate for someone to fill the void? I was with my ex. Look how that worked out. We need to work on being self reliant, and WANTING not NEEDING a great girl to share things with

    I reckon in time to come you'll look back on that last one and realize it was for the best, as she wansn't right for you

    Dude you sound really angry. Have you considered therapy? I know i seem to say that to everyone on here but I think its great with the right person. Underneath that anger is probably a whole lot of pain

    But sounds like you're on the right track in some ways, give yourself a bit of a break from the stressful world of women and dating, try to find some inner peace etc. Highly recommend the coach corey wayne and no more mr nice guy books!

    good luck
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2017
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  10. Skywalker11

    Skywalker11 One day at a time

    I see a therapist every week.

    Actually when she dumped me I let her go. I just said 'good luck.' I said some things a few days later like "I hope someone does this to you" and "I'll remember you for doing this to me" but I didn't beg. I was confused. I think she fucked up because I didn't deserve to be treated like that. I deserve better. I think she is insecure and maybe a little too sensitive but yea I need to look at my part and work on myself. Fuck that bitch.

    Yes I'm angry.
     
  11. Fry2

    Fry2 Active Member

    You have come a long way @cjm and have grown a lot. I believe how you managed your break up and what you learned from it can be a role model for others here going through the same situation.. From being almost suicidally depressive because of the pain of the breakup to dating couple of beautiful girls, developing new projects, socializing and so forth.

    @Skywalker: I think anger is sometimes neceassary to distance yourself from the past and in particular from a particular girl. Yes being dumped sucks. Just make sure you don't lose yourself in it and you start moving forward again. There're other girls and women on this planet. I heard there might be even several billion of them :)
     
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  12. Skywalker11

    Skywalker11 One day at a time

    You're all right. The breakup is still fresh and I was definitely suicidally depressed. I just did not see her breaking up with me. I thought someone who is training to be a therapist would have the skills and tools to talk it out or communicate if something wasn't right. Plus she's 32 so I would have thought she could be mature enough to talk if something wasn't working for her. I did not see the breakup coming so that's why I'm so angry.

    Plus she is in recovery like me and attends al-anon. But I guess growing up with an alcoholic abusive father can have long term effects including a fear of commitment. She definitely has an avoidant attachment style
     
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  13. staythecourse

    staythecourse Active Member

    All I can say is Ive definitely been there dude. Time and positive actions healed it. Better girls come along..You are one step closer to the absolute right woman for you.
     
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  14. Skywalker11

    Skywalker11 One day at a time

    You guys are awesome.

    Day 4 without o. Still going
     
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  15. Mendoza

    Mendoza Active Member

    Hey, just one last thing, as I don't want you to dwell on this. But her case sounds very similar to another member's ex... I believe it was in jjveetec's journal from about a year ago. It did not work out. I guess it is what it is, you cannot change her. And yes, the circumstances of her ditching you suck. But life will teach her.

    Anyway, onwards you go!
     
  16. Skywalker11

    Skywalker11 One day at a time

    I had sex today which is against my SA program. So no more celibacy
     
  17. staythecourse

    staythecourse Active Member

    Is that in regards to bottomline behavior-no sex outside a committed relationship?
     
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  18. Skywalker11

    Skywalker11 One day at a time

    Yea. I was trying to practice celibacy
     
  19. staythecourse

    staythecourse Active Member

    How long have you been in SA? My sponsor in SLAA said no sex outside a committed relationship is a bottomline, but I'd like to discuss with him. I think its ok to have sex with a girl if it is consensual and just casually dating. What are your thoughts?
     
  20. Skywalker11

    Skywalker11 One day at a time

    Another relapse the past three days. Back to day 1
     

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