Attempt round 2

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by chrism, Aug 23, 2016.

  1. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Hey have you read Marnia Robinson's book, Cupids Poison Arrow? If you haven't I'd highly recommend it.

    Some of the concepts would apply to your situation.
  2. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    @BruceWayne , Hey man, thanks very much for the tip about finding that literature. I have just started reading it.

    While I am only a couple of pages in it occurs to me something that may had been helpful in my recovery when I was with my Ex. She always get annoyed when I relapsed. Completely understandable, but she also didn't like it when I was post relapse and not in the best of moods (I am sure i was a bit of a nightmare), down, grumpy, rude, short tempered, all of the above.

    What I am getting at is that she was a coffee drinker, and a weed smoker. I wonder how she would have reacted if she has had to give up one of those things.... maybe she would have experienced some kind of withdrawal as well, I remember one occasion when we were about 2 hours into a long haul flight on our way to thailand, she started to freak out because she knew she wouldnt be able to smoke weed for an amount of time. All I can take from this is that I had been using porn for maybe 18 years or so by this point, she had been smoking weed for a couple years, so for all those times she was annoyed at me for relapsing, at least I was able to look forward to a holiday away together and not freak out that I wouldnt be able to view porn for a couple weeks. In fact after that holiday, when I returned home, having not used porn for 2 weeks was the time I actually realised I had a problem as soon as I had access to it again. its funny how we realise things given different circumstances.

    Guess that was a bit of rant... Fuck it when we broke up she said she wanted to find someone who could look after her, saying this after being mad at me that i wouldnt make my parents buy us a house. I mean fuck, I realise now that lots of people just hung out with me because they wanted stuff from me, I mean my 'best friend' who I moved in with, I bet he only hung out with me because I used to go pick him up drop him off and buy the weed we used to smoke together.

    Shit I need to grow some balls and get some self respect and some actual friends.

    I'm going to continue reading.
  3. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    On day 1 of being clean.

    PMO'd last night, I nearly stopped myself, left my computer went to another room, but then when I came back to turn it off it all just went straight back into addiction mode.

    It was only on youtube, and I was not logged in so couldnt view anything too bad, but still I count this as a full relapse.

    I have now turned on stay focused and blocked youtube and a number of other sites for 48 hours.

    Gonna try busy myself today to keep my mind active.
  4. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    On day 1 of being clean.

    New realisation that MO is not helping me and that I really need to refrain from all things sex and P related to heal properly.

    I aim to make it to the weekend with out relapse (including MO).

    I am also not going to drink any more than a couple of beers on my own, because I think that is was lead to me relapse on saturday, which then lead to the next two relapses on sunday. Drink on my own is not good.

    No real plans for today, just gonna maybe play some guitar and do ironing.
  5. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Fuck! just relapsed again.

    Tomorrow is a new month, I'll try to think differently.
  6. Mr. Tony

    Mr. Tony Life is like a game of chess.

    That's the idea. I've had thoughts of just MOing without P, but I fear that will just lead me to PMO. I think that refraining from sex related stuff will help you along your journey.

    Keep fighting!
  7. TheLongWalk

    TheLongWalk Active Member

    Keep on quitting, my man. Do you know what led to the relapse? For me, it's mostly mindlessly using the computer in combination with boredom. Maybe you can identify and then avoid your trigger(s) in the future. Good luck and keep your head up.
  8. slonek24

    slonek24 New Member

    Hey chrism keep pushing man! Lets do this.
  9. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Hey chris, thanks for your comments on my journal lately. Sorry to hear about the slip- nevermind, you're putting some good stretches back-to-back, making a habit of not-PMOing. I agree with TheLongWalk, going offline or having a number of offline activities lined up for when you're feeling a bit cravy is a good idea.
  10. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    On day 0, just PMOed.

    I have PMO the same number of times this week as I did the whole of June.

    I have been putting this to the back of my mind, but in a week it will be a year since me and my Ex broke up.

    It's been the worse year of my life, seriously its been bad. I've had a few up times when I stayed away from P for like 18 days max, but yeah its been shit, I lost the girl I loved, I lost my friends because they were dicks and I now feel generally shit about myself, keep thinking of suicidal thoughts and just hating life right now.

    Gonna try not to PMO the rest of the day.
  11. Mr. Tony

    Mr. Tony Life is like a game of chess.

    Sorry to hear about the relapses and the shit you're going through. It happens to the best of us. I've had those same things happen to me after binging (Suicidal thoughts, feeling like shit, like nobody likes me, etc.)

    Just don't quit on yourself. When there is a will, there is a way. Stay strong.
    chrism likes this.
  12. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    It is these negative thoughts although warranted that causes PMO to happen. This is why PMO is called an "escape" activity. Yes, your emotions are completely warranted and completely justified. But, you are a rebooter and you have to go a different direction than the "normal" people. You see you are on the brink of accomplishing something "normal" people cannot. Reframe everything you said, "it's been a year since I found out me and my ex were incompatible, hopefully I will find someone who is compatible with me. I lost my friends because I didn't have to confidencenor trust in my words to keep up with them so they saw me as weak and naturally acted like dicks. I had some downs and learned from them. There is only one direction to go and that is up."
  13. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Hi guys. Thanks very much for the support.

    I am going to really try to get my head right and stop this destructive cycle. I've wasted too much energy this week on this addiction. It's Friday and I want to make this weekend more enjoyable that the last week.

    Thanks again guys means a lot.
  14. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Hey chrism, how's it going? Hope your weekend turned out ok. Remember if you find yourself in a mini-rut, a good clean stretch is only ever just a couple of clean days away.

    Sending posi-vibes to ya, to quote the bard.
  15. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Been away from this site for a few weeks, relapsed every day.

    Its crazy how my relationship ended a year ago on the 17th of the 8th and it still affects me so massively, just really loved that girl, still cant believe she wanted to break up.

    I think my mind has turned a corner yesterday, I have started being productive again and managed my first day clean yesterday.

    Back on the horse, but no goals, just trying to take it day by day.
  16. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Hey chrism, goodonya for posting and notching up a clean day. As you said you're still recovering from the relationship and fall out from the break-up. It's all good my man. This journey is a long one, and time makes a big difference with these things, as you gain distance from events- most older guys on here will tell you that. Hope you have a positive, peaceful day.
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2017
    chrism likes this.
  17. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    One year on, as I get closer to the date of my break up I feel worse with each day.

    I know I am relapsing the escape the pain, its not helping, I just cant stop.

    I hope these feeling reduce once I get past the date, maybe then I can just move on with my life, I know I can, just got to get past the memories. I dont want to be a porn addict any more.
  18. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    I can relate to this- i had a relationship many years ago, and for years around the anniversary of our break up (autumn, big moon) i felt it heaps more intensely- its all the other signals that remind you of her at this time of year, that what makes anniversaries so difficult imo. When the weather changes you'll have less reminders. Give it time (sounds lame I know, but it's the truth).

    Can you find some other things to distract you, that won't make you feel as shit as PMO? Go see your family, go see a movie with your brother or whatever you guys do to have fun. Climbing is also a good way to occupy the mind.

    Hang in there.
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2017
  19. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    @A New Man, I have decided to make myself a website for my portfolio, so gonna try focus on that.

    I think as you say I just need to get past this time of the year and then I'm hoping i'll be able to think clearly again. I just never wanted it to end, the whole thing was just a fucking mess.
  20. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    There are some things I need to work on, for the most part it is dealing my things that don't go as I would have hoped. This could be from the very small things like when you try to do something in a project or a hubby that doesnt work out straight away, or the larger, you put all your energy, time and emotion into a relationship that fails.

    With these negatives I need to find a way to cope with them and keep moving forward instead of getting depressed and seeking a quick fix to my emotional black hole.

    I am currently on day 3 of being clean, I feel ok, but I am just worried about loosing myself in this addiction having been in a bad place the last few weeks. Things got so bad I even ended up spending the night in hospital a week ago, which just shows how much this time of the year is affecting me. I cant believe it, It's been a whole year. I thought the feeling would have reduced by now, this is worrying.

    Any way, went for a run yesterday, today I will play some guitar and work on building my website.

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