Age 18 reboot journal

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by Hz18z, May 1, 2018.

  1. Hz18z

    Hz18z New Member

    Tuesday 1st May 2018

    Hi everyone, I was always anxious about sharing my experience but ive been stuck in the cycle for too long.

    I started first at age 11, looking at models but not masturbating. At around 13 i started watching videos of naked women and masturbating, progressing to high speed internet porn. Due to a lot of social anxiety starting at around 10 ot 11, coincidence or porn related i dont know yet, i didnt really form strong relationships, especially with girls, for much of my secondary school years. As a horny teenager, all my sexual satisfaction and honestly the only contact i had with women was with porn. Some days it would be the only thing i could think about. I was first introduced to porn being problematic at 16, finding a nofap video on youtube. Ever since i have been battling on and off with very limited success. The last couple of years ive started 6th form and had more contact with women, some showing very blatant interest in me. Due to my anxiety and porn use, i didnt have the confidence or desire to get to know them and pushed them all away, something i deeply regret now.
    At this point now i have been battling with anxiety at school and generally feel like a walking zombie. I have no energy and despite significant improvement in social anxiety, i still struggle to connect with anyone. I feel like i have no personality and have a blank and foggy mind when i try and talk to anyone.

    Luckily i havent developed any violent or disgusting porn tastes and still can masturbate to vanilla porn and bikini pictures. For this reason i hope i havent developed pied, although i havent had the chance to test. Despite this the negative impacts porn is having on my life is so obvious to me now that i need to change something. I can finally admit that i am addicted and put steps in place to recover.
    Im going to make a habit of posting something here everyday, hoping that by documenting my journey it can help others who are also struggling.

    See you tomorrow.
     
    Jaxson.S and Jjh like this.
  2. Hz18z

    Hz18z New Member

    Wednesday 2nd May 2018

    Today started off bad, i felt very anxious this morning and didnt make it into school. However one positive is this didnt lead to relapse. I managed to turn the day around by gradually changing what i was doing. Starting with 5 press ups and progressing to a cold shower and then getting some school work done at home. I then made it to the gym with a friend which meant i ended the day happy with what i got done.

    See you tomorrow.
     
  3. Hz18z

    Hz18z New Member

    Thursday 3rd May 2018

    Generally good day, went to school and had very minor urges.
     
  4. Hz18z

    Hz18z New Member

    Friday 4th May

    Good day again. First wet dream in a while as well as the fact that i faced my fear of a certain lesson. Noticing i feel more resiliant and prepared to do whats hard but right.
     
  5. Hz18z

    Hz18z New Member

    Saturday 5th May
    Generally good day, very few urges
     
  6. Hz18z

    Hz18z New Member

    Sunday 6th May

    Good day. Had a great time at work. It was only today that i realised how blind i had been to the oppotunity for practicing social skills on the tills. I was also able to converse more effortlessly. I didnt feel more confident but more willing to take the plunge and start up a conversation.
     
  7. Hz18z

    Hz18z New Member

    Monday 7th May

    Good day, noticed that i generally feel more in control of myself, not acting on impulse.
     
  8. Hz18z

    Hz18z New Member

    Tuesday 8th May 2018

    After the first week im feeling good. Despite not sleeping the best i had the enwrgy to get through the day. I went to the gym as well as the benifits i get outweigh being more tired. I felt more alert and receptive today, able to talk effortlessly for the most part and felt generally more confident and had a high self esteem. I felt like myself without the anxiety and depression that has been holding me back for most of the year.
     
  9. Hz18z

    Hz18z New Member

    Wednesday 9th May 2018

    Noticed stronger urges today but when i felt them i would do 5 press ups to break the cycle of thinking which seemed to help.
     
  10. Hz18z

    Hz18z New Member

    Thursday 10th May 2018

    Noticed i was more irritable today but was able to sort out my mood with exercise followed by cold shower. I have used my credit on audible on the book sex at dawn as this seemed to give a realistic and biological take on sexual behaviour. A key i have noticed is distinguishing desires for porn with sexual desire, altgough seemingly the same by creating the distinction it helps me seperate addictive craving with genuine sexual desire and reduce likelihood of a relapse. I havent really had any cravings for porn specifically however which im happy about, all my sexual urges have been in relation to real people.
     
  11. Hz18z

    Hz18z New Member

    Friday 11th May 2018

    Had a major urge this morning which nearly got the best of me. It was due to listening to sex at dawn the audiobook which mentioned porn way more than i expected and in a positive light, almost justifing a relapse. I actually read my previous entries as well as remembering that im breaking an addiction not suppressing my sexuality. I will go back to the book at a later date but it isnt condusive to my success in this journey at the moment so im going to forget about it for now.
     
  12. Hz18z

    Hz18z New Member

    Saturday 12th May 2018

    Been tired today as i had to do an early shift so didnt get much sleep. Also felt a bit on edge and anxious today. Im thinking i might start to re introduce masturbation but will remove it again if its clear im unable to control it. I aim to never re introduce porn but dont see infrequent masterbation without porn fantasy as a problem. It all depends on whether i sense any addictive patterns re- emerge.
     
  13. Hz18z

    Hz18z New Member

    Sunday 13th May

    Felt very tired yoday which lead to anxiety. It could be a possible withdrawal symptom but im going to continue as long as i can.
     
  14. Hz18z

    Hz18z New Member

    Monday 14th May 2018

    Just relapsed but not going to get down about it. Im going to use this journal to post what i think lead to the relapse and what i learnt from it. I think this is key to success as a relapse is now viewed as a step forward rather than back.

    I have felt stressed and a bit down the last few days, as if something was missing. Most likely this is the void that ive been filling with porn for so long. I was particularly tired and anxious this evening which meant i had very low willpower. Also i had tried porn free masturbation the night before and the chaser effect hit me really hard.

    Ive learnt from this that while im in a high stress period (exams) i will not be able to masturbate and also refuse porn. Therefore i will go without both for as long as i can again. Also i need to find out what the void is once my exams are done as this will be a barrier for long term success. I think i cannot underestimate the chaser effect and need to use this experience as a warning to my future self if i get into s similar situation again.
     
  15. Hz18z

    Hz18z New Member

    Tuesday 15th May 2018

    Havent let the relapse get me down and am just starting again, developing the habit of leaving the room if i feel an urge.
     
  16. Hz18z

    Hz18z New Member

    Wednesday 16th May

    Good day, not much to say
     
  17. Hz18z

    Hz18z New Member

    Thursday 17th May

    Felt very tired today, however in the run up yo exams it not out of the ordinary. After getting past the chaser effect i dont have any urges to watch porn.
     
  18. Hz18z

    Hz18z New Member

    Friday 18th May

    Relapsed again today. I think ive got to be realistic based on the situation im in. Only 2 weeks until my a level exams start im under a lot of stress and pressure so expecting myself to also fight an addiction at the same time is setting unrealistic expectations. For the next month or so my main goal is related to my exams, so while i will maintain trying i will not be hard on myself or put too much focus into beating this. Once exams have finished i will do what is necessary to beat this but in tbe mean time i will focus on habit building and mainly exams.
     
  19. Hz18z

    Hz18z New Member

    Saturday 19th May

    Very tired today as i did an early shift. However i also felt very friendly and got on with people at work a lot better than other days.
     

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