Again, I Need A Community to Help...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Guy_Stewart, Jun 14, 2017.

  1. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    2&2

    Thank you both for your comments.

    HowToKapow: I'll watch the video tomorrow morning. The takeaway of what you wrote: "Also dont berate yourself for turning too angry when you start releasing, its gonne be like a wall of bricks crashing down."

    40New30: Thank you. The takeaway from what you wrote: "You need to fully feel the emotion and let it go."

    Like you both said, I need to release it. I will get there. Thank you both, my friends.
     
  2. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Its really an enormous difference when you start working through old shit. Sometimes ill lie in bed at night feeling a new emotion I never felt before and sometimes I start asking myself if I am even still the same person.
    We identify so much with what we suppress or not suppress, changing that actually, truly feels like rebirth. Like the floor you took for granted aint there anymore. Kinda scary but it feels just so right.
     
  3. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

  4. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    How are you guy?
     
  5. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    0&0

    I need to learn how to do something with my anger. I am realizing that I've been angry since adolescence -- possibly since I had my tonsils out at 6, my parents left me alone in the hospital overnight and I woke up with a horribly sore throat...puberty added the confusion of sexual orientation (in the 70s it was NOT celebrated in my family, school, or community). Religion helped the pain some; but porn and masturbation and eating helped more. I never tried drugs, alcohol, or smoking...I was too afraid of them; in retrospect I must have suspected they'd make me feel even better...then I got some help (but never addressed anger because I was too well-socialized and felt I was better than my brothers, sister, and dad even while want to be more like them...instead, I struck out on my own, more deeply sublimating my anger. Why do I know it was anger? I would lose control on rare occasions and experience violent, dramatic outbursts. I hit my wife very early in our marriage; hit my son twice -- not "taps" mind you. I lost control. Completely. Pushed it down harder -- PMOd and ate harder. Then came breast cancer; mom's suffering; dad's Alzheimer's. My weight pushed up against 300 pounds; my PMO reached new heights (which some of you witnessed...)

    What do I do with the anger -- I'm tryin not to PMO and I'm dieting. So where does the anger go? I DO bike, but that's not enough...added to that is the pain of the student I deal with every day. Makes me mad what has been done to many of them; out of their control...

    What release now? PMO, obviously. But no more eating (though I gained 7 of my pounds back while stress eating...)

    I am looking for a direction.

    That's it for now (plenty, I would guess...)
     
  6. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Youre worried that its gonna happen again when youre releasing the anger right? Its a legit concern, because when the anger comes out to heal you might actually be prone to it.
    What I would do in your shoes is prepare for the war sufficiently basically.
    I see multiple options. Either you can pick up breathing meditation before you start shadowwork to practice not acting out emotions. For very strong emotions 20 hours of preparation should suffice to be 100% certain that you wont turn violent when in rage.
    Then you could do a ritual of encapsuling the shadowwork with 2 periods of calming meditation like 5 min breathe, 10 min release 5 min breathe.
    Lastly you could skip the meditation step by doing shadowwork outside in nature alone on a bench or something, then burn off the anger with a jog or the bike and only go home when it subsided.
    Talking as someone who got heavily bullied in school for a while I often asked myself if I could have done anything different to prevent it.
    I would prefer if the answer to that was yes, but it isnt and that kinda makes it sting more. I just have/had some character traits that made me prone to get bullied- timid, rather introverted and bad at sports.
    But having someone to talk to about it who actually cares is a huge gift youre giving them and you should be proud about that and not mad about what happened. Im 100% confident that the students who talk with you would never want you to get mad about it.

    You cant choose the level of pain inflicted to you often, but its possible to work with it. Pain is a big problem but when resolved it flips and turns into strength. When pain gets inflicted it builds tenacity that gets instantly used up to deal with the trauma. When the trauma goes the deepened toughness remains.
    So its not 100% a negative thing, though it still sucks of course.

    Hope that post helped and get back on it fast guy
     
  7. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Guy, I think you're getting closer to figuring out exactly what you need to do -- address the underlying root causes of your addictions as you battle your addictions. You've got to throw the kitchen sink at it, but do so in a slow and gradual manner. You'll never be perfect, but put together a master plan and just go.
     
  8. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    0&0
    Locked Safesearch again.
     
  9. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    1&1

    Moving, albeit slowly. Haven't figured out what I'M going to do with the anger, but doing lots of reading right now. And struggling.
     
  10. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Keep improving your knowledge and strategies, never say die. Peace.
     
  11. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Hey guy I hope youre having a nice P free weekend and some good ways to let out the anger.
    Never give up!
     
  12. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    1&1

    I don't have myself ready yet. Simple things set me off and get redirected sideways into PMO...like Dad disassembled his phone and threw the parts away because "the phone didn't work". I bought a new one. Last night he called and had to know, "Why am I here? In the restaurant, they brought me food I didn't order!" He lives in an increasingly disconnected world...my sister has no interest in doing the holidays -- unless they're done the way SHE wants them done, so the family is fracturing. I think when Dad is gone, it will be finished except for weddings...and deaths...

    Anyway, I'm doing lots of reading on anger redirection, creativity, and healing.

    I'm not there yet, but I'm still moving and trying to find my way. My GOAL this Christmas is to remain P-free from now on so my wife and I can make love over the Christmas vacation.

    Please stay on me, my friends. Thank you both.

    I love you.
     
  13. HowToKapow

    HowToKapow Turtles smell nice

    Sounds like you have a lot going in real life at the moment. You can use these things though for self inquiry too! Ask yourself in what ways exactly your dad triggers you (maybe his helplessness resonates with part of your subconscious, or his disconnect with reality as a disconnect with part of your emotions) and your sister, too (abandonment issues, issues with feeling dominated). Death is a morbid thought but id say use it as a motivator because I can guarantee you that emotional healing will improve health rather drastically (I carried around energy that left me LITERALLY incapacitated for a total of a week and by the time im done healing it will be a total of a month) and im rather certain that stuff like this is responsible for a lot of diseases, mostly because I saw the impact of them first hand.

    You can do it this time!
     
  14. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    2&2

    Thank you, TurtlesSmellNice. You have powerful insights. Thank you for staying with me. I might not have stayed around if it weren't for you and a few others here.

    I am walking.
     

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