Adventures on Planet Shame

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Caesura, Jul 10, 2016.

  1. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    I PMO'd this morning. I used very gentle porn, but I had to M with fast strokes. I don't feel too terrible, but not good either.

    For most of my recovery, I've been hoping to have rough sex with a real woman. Now I've decided I can't do that. Consensual rough sex is perfectly ethical, but it would sustain my aggression. It's just not right for me. I need peace, even if it's boring.
     
  2. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Hey man,

    Yes it is a long journey, and it sounds as though you are slowly getting to become a better person.

    I used to be very angry as well this process has reduced this massively. I think I have been doing this for over 3 years now and it does slowly improve your life.

    Peace and consistency can be your strength.

    Good luck in the next few days man
     
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  3. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    A new day begins. Or at least it feels new right now. I have a little hope. Maybe if I keep struggling and recovering, I'll finally get whatever advantage I need to get a girlfriend.

    I guess I'm fairly depressed, but I have a little bit of courage.
     
  4. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    Earlier, I made the decision to only have sex that feels safe for me, even if it means giving up the fun of rough sex. Now I'm definitely noticing benefits from that. My brain is easier to manage when I'm not expecting any rough sex in the future.

    Like I said last time, I don't believe rough sex is wrong at all. My brain just can't handle it.

    In other news, I'm enjoying card games more than I used to. Previously, I couldn't stand to play them. They were too boring. My sensitivity to reward must be improving, but it's sloooow.

    I'm dabbling in casual hobbies, and that's an improvement, but I need to master something.

    Here's the wrap-up. Caffeine is giving me real trouble. Can't quit, and can't handle the side effects. No progress with women. Making plans to get help with employment, but it will take a while.
     
  5. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    Last night was difficult. I had planned to do something creative yesterday, but when I tried to start, I couldn't figure out how. The day started well, and I did get some important shit done, but by the end I was raging at my failed life. I was full of shame and regret.

    Also, two days ago, a woman walked around my neighborhood in a bikini. I went back inside, because I knew I didn't have a chance, but now it's one more regret to throw on the pile.

    I have some plans for the next two or three months that are likely to change my life. I just worry they're too little, too late. I'm approaching a new phase of bitterness, and the one good thing about it is, I seem to be holding myself responsible for it. I'm not blaming women.

    Also, I want to say thank you to chrism for your kind comment.
     
  6. Mobc1990

    Mobc1990 Beat my old habit and start new habit

    Hi,I am on zyprexa or olanzapine.Its better for my mood and I MO for like twice a week only.I am thinking I will never have sex but will suffer from loneliness,I blame it on schiz
     
  7. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Bitterness and regret are something I also have trouble with.

    Sometimes even if some I see is happy it makes me feel bitter towards them. I think it's just the addiction messing with our heads.

    And the regret can be a problem too, just try and not let it eat you up. Think of it this way, use the regret as fuel, think about the things you could be doing to prevent that regret from re-occurring. And yes exactly as you say at least your not blaming other people, I think this shows you are in control of your own destiny.

    Keep you head up man
     
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  8. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    I'm sorry to hear you don't have much hope, Mobc. Sometimes, I'm right there with you.

    Thanks, chrism. I am feeling better right now, because I thought of some actionable steps I can take tomorrow. I'm going to persist at that project I flopped on yesterday, but I don't know the timeframe. There are money issues involved.

    I will call a local organization that has the resources I need. I will ask their price. Then, I will obtain their services when and if my parents can afford them.

    In other news... I'm still really worried about my caffeine use, and I drank some today. I need to somehow make my life worth living, or I'll never get off this stuff. I know I talk about this problem a lot, but it's because the side effects scare me.
     
  9. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Glad to see you are making some plans to be productive tomorrow, sounds like you've got a few things figured out. Nice work.

    Scared of what side effects? Of stopping caffeine?
     
  10. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    I'm more scared of the side effects of using it, not the withdrawal. The withdrawal is just depressing. I have a mild heart problem, and it's not good for me to drink anything caffeinated.
     
  11. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Ah I see, I'd say just try and keep a bottle of water with you, then if you feel a craving to have caffeine, just drink a load of water. And it will be nice and healthy for you as well.
     
  12. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    I found the price of the stuff I need for my big project. I can't afford it right now, but later it should be doable.

    Yesterday, I did some creative work and took care of all my errands. It felt like a successful day. I plan to repeat it.
     
  13. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Nice one man, always good to have a project to work on :)

    I am looking for a new project atm, might start getting back into photography, the more I stay clean the more I find the world to be an amazing place.

    Its nice to do some creative stuff. I think being creative is good for your sense of accomplishment.

    Good plan man, keep it up!
     
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  14. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    I'm up at 4:40 in the morning. Very tempted to go buy beer. I've only gotten drunk twice in my whole life, but my brain wants alcohol. These cravings have been happening intermittently for a while.

    It would be a terrible idea. My meds interact with alcohol, and my personality is addictive. Drinking would send me back to the beginning... which may be exactly what I want.

    In the past, I would have drunk some coffee as a substitute. Now I'm afraid to, because every time I do that my heart feels so fragile. It feels like it could burst at any moment.

    In other news, I've continued my trend of creative work every day. Yesterday was harder than the others, though. Will that commitment fall apart? We'll see.

    I was feeling like my brain had really changed. I was peaceful and good-natured. Then yesterday, the nasty side of me surged back. I didn't do anything bad or mean, but it was discouraging to see the same old shit is still in there.

    I may just drink coffee. I would rather die from a heart attack than endure a serious addiction again.
     
  15. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    More difficulty this morning. I'm desperate for sex, but I'm so far away from getting it. I would rather just die. My virginity just drags on and on and on. On and on and on. Endless and painful and meaningless.
     
  16. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Hey man, I can see your having a tough time at the moment.

    It will take time to beat this, but as time goes on I think you will start to feel better. As you increase your clean streaks you will start to feel more confident.

    All this combined with living a healthier life style and just feeling better in your self will help you to meet someone.

    Just keep focusing on being a better you and the rest will follow
     
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  17. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    Thanks, chrism.

    I am feeling somewhat better now. Got more creative work done and hung out with my parents. Still worried, but not in agony.
     
  18. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    Fairly productive day. Studied, did errands, cleaned, cooked. Only got a little bit of creative work done, but I'll take it.

    Tonight, I feel a wave of exhaustion. It's caused by emotions and cravings, not overwork. I'm worried this fatigue heralds a return to my old, apathetic ways, but I also doubt that.
     
  19. Mobc1990

    Mobc1990 Beat my old habit and start new habit

    You went back to school?
     
  20. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    No, just doing some adult education classes and online courses.

    Yesterday was incredibly successful, at least compared to the last ten years. I'm starting to think things have really changed. My drive is solid and my thinking is mostly clear.

    This morning I'm up early and horny. We'll see if the horniness and frustration interfere with my drive.
     

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