a short guy's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by a short guy, Feb 28, 2013.

  1. a short guy

    a short guy Active Member

    Last PMO'd 1/15/18
    40New30 likes this.
  2. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Pull up, I know you will. Lots of self love.
  3. a short guy

    a short guy Active Member

    Yes, I did pull up. Thank you. And yes, with lots of self love.

    I'd been PMO-free for 6 months, then over a 3 week period while my wife was away, I started masturbating to yoga videos while on a trip visiting family. All went well on the trip and with family, but an underlying stress/tension was there and I felt the urge to escape into masturbating to non or pre-porn, which is PMO for me non-the-less. Then the night before my wife came home I snapped, I was feeling good, did not have an overwhelming urge to PMO, but just did, stayed up till 3 am, PMO'd to porn videos. Did not immediately binge, but did it again a week later, on 1/15. Again did not immediately bing. I've been totally free since. I have had only mild urges to do it again. I'm not going there, but the voice is still in my head and I'm choosing to ignore it.

    Generally all is well in my life with my wife and work and all. I've got difficult family stressors. Family just does not behave the way I think they should : ).
    And I am learning to accept that. I'm in therapy for helping deal with family stuff, a grandson child custody thing is the biggest stressor, emotional abuse, difficult situation. It's very sad.

    So, PMO-free since 1/16/18
    Squire and 40New30 like this.
  4. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Sweet man, much positive vibes, brother.
  5. a short guy

    a short guy Active Member

    I've PMO'd 3 times since January 16th. Using it to medicate myself during ongoing stressful family time. Masturbated to photos of nudity, not sex acts. Haven't looked at sex acts in years. Not binging. Haven't binged in years. Not binging and infrequent PMO-ing has probably reduced my escalating to harder porn. Used Tor browser to cover my tracks. Got rid of it. Now back to square one.

    My wife and I are doing well, our relationship is good, loving and intimate, but sex is infrequent. The stress isn't helping In the past few years my wife and I lost our parents. Daughter and grandson in child custody battle. Moving out of state in 2 days to where ongoing very stressful family situation is, so very stressful time, in the middle of packing. Physically exhausted. Will be applying for new job.

    I've gotten away from yoga and meditation which isn't helping.

    Things are good, life is good, otherwise and actually. Generally feeling positive and happy. This is just a stressful time, moving, change of job, family issues beyond my control.

    PMO-free since 4/6/18.
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2018
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member


    Stress comes and goes. It's our journey, we are ultimately in control of ourselves.

    Hope things resolve positively for your daughter and grandson.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  7. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    I'd say there are a lot of wins in there!
  8. Squire

    Squire Active Member

    What you're describing are MAJOR stressors. Any one of those could easily be overwhelming. But it will settle down. Life has a way of working itself out, doesn't it? At least that has been my experience. Your situation gets shaken up like snow globe, but the pieces settle down and there's peace again.

    It sounds like yoga is something you enjoy but it was a gateway in the past to MO. Do you have other tools in your toolbelt for stress as well, at times when you feel like yoga may not be best for you?
  9. a short guy

    a short guy Active Member

    Thank you for the input Squire, Savile, 40New30.

    Yoga for stress relief... which yes, during meditations I do get relaxed but it is inward, I go inward in an isolating way and sometimes somehow that does lead me towards MO. Doing yoga with my wife has been only positive. I have been bicycling to work which is wonderful. And I've been getting the unicycle which I haven't been doing much for many years. Anything fun and physical is always good, like going swimming, going to the beach.

    Yes, there has been high stress. Moved South 1400 miles from cold weather to the tropics a month ago. The trip was a challenge, things didn't go as planned. Still not quite settled in, we'll have to move in the next few months to another home, this one's temporary, so much is still unpacked and in the garage. I did get a new job a couple weeks ago which is going well. I am working part time while I get my own business up and running. Family situation is stressful but nothing new. Daughter and grandson are well, generally doing fine but it's not easy watching dysfunctional parenting and relationship stuff. I know it's all just life and really OK... and non of my business. There are really good times and nothing really terrible is happening.

    I miss my Jungian psychotherapist whom I was seeing for 2 1/2 years. I want to find another but questioning the cost. Still, things are good in that I am functional and I am doing things to destress.

    I've been hitting my head again. It snuck up on me. I had been finished with that nonsense, but sometimes instead of expressing myself, even in a dysfunctional way, I hold in my feelings and it spontaneously surfaces when I'm alone and I hit myself, curse and berate myself. A useless old behavior. That's why I want to see a counselor again.

    My wife and I had sex recently which was really positive. I'm not using porn. I did masturbate once in the past month, a week ago, to the fantasy of the woman who's been dead 6 years whom I had a crush on, and continue to obsess about, whom I've mentioned already. It didn't sit well. I went into a depressive state which I'm still struggling to get out of.

    My wife just announced lunch is ready....
    40New30, Squire and dig deep like this.
  10. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Congrats on the big move! Awesome.
  11. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member


    I have been PMO-sober for a week now and I choose to begin posting on other threads. It's a reward.

    I have always regarded you as one whom I deeply respect. Thank you for your inspiration.

    Love ya, man.
    Squire and Saville like this.
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Dude, this is awesome! :)

    Wow, that IS a big move.

    Not to be a smart ass, but they never do, cause that's life, right? :)

    Don't hit head. You don't need another psychologist to tell you that. You already know why, we always do.

    Woo Hoo! :cool:

    This is just noise, just the old TV flashing. It's going to happen, it happens to everyone. Think about the positives and let the noise die down.
    Squire likes this.

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