a short guy's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by a short guy, Feb 28, 2013.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Wow, staying away from P even fixes cars. :D
  2. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Walking on thin ice, so obsessed right now with PMO-ing.... crazy, silly, but the urge is there. Of course I will not. Going to bed now.
  3. newleaf63

    newleaf63 Member

    hello short guy

    i remember you from when i was on this forum last time as colimpool, sorry i havent read your posts since returning.
    your post on the 6th resonates deeply with my situation. my father passed away on in 2008, my mum last year. i miss them every day. i have empathy with how much damage our parents dying can cause us. nothing prepares us for such momentous events. i always feel much worse when their anniversaries are immanent so my thoughts are with you at your difficult time bro.

    i tried counseling a while ago and while it helped to discuss issues in my life and solved some reasons for my behavior the counselor didn't help me overcome my inability to discuss my feelings with my wife. its very difficult for me to discuss my parents passing with my wife as her parents are both it and healthy. how do you say just how low and cut away you feel to someone who just couldnt begin to understand how that feels?

    we are here to quit porn, to try and come to terms with why we prefer to wallow than move on with our lives. some times it seems easy to move on, sometimes very difficult. you are doing great. 95 days is a wonderful achievement. ive been that far along the road too. it pains me to say it but ive also stumbled around that number of days. just realise that its not worth a jot going back to the old you. porn gives us nothing but a bunch of negativity and in our position the last thing we need is to feel that emotion.

    my thoughts are with you. keep on trucking
  4. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    First,congratulations for the 90days mark.
    From now on, when I feel endangered I take additional measures to stay safe. Both deliberate relief from stress and resorting to your support system more heavily might be ideas to consider.
    Take care always
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2016
  5. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your kind words colimpool/newleaf. I feel your empathy, thank you. I feel for you as well. I'm on the forum but mostly just writing in my journal, that's where I'm at right now. Mostly because I'm so much more involved in my life, a time thing, I'm busy, I'm more productive, more emotionally involved in life as well... because I'm not PMO-ing regularly.

    I'm sad with lots of other emotions mixed in. Much of wishing I didn't waste so many precious moments avoiding life and PMO-ing to deal with things rather than head on. Many wasted moments when I could have been connected with my parents and others close to me.

    I've been dreaming of deceased people lately, my parents, friends and past crushes. In the dreams they are quite alive and vibrant and wonderful to be with. They're entering my dreams regularly.

    Therapy was always a struggle in the past, but it was I guess a foundation for where I'm at now, which is that the past year of Jungian psychotherapy and some EMDR has been productive, even fun at times. I've never had a real and present relationship with a male friend, where I felt safe enough to be honest and truthful. My relationship with my therapist feels genuine. Perhaps it helps that it's a trade, we trade services so it feels more equal.

    I've not PMO'd, not looked at porn, but I have spontaneously surfed non/pre-porn. In the past I would have reset long ago but am just not going to. I'm reciting the No Option mantra, know I just got to not spontaneously surf, it's an on shaky ground habit. My wife leaves in a week and will be gone 3 weeks. There will be no room for error then, and I feel worried, I feel weak. No Option is the only way I know that will get me through.

    I'm planning much to do, besides work, a list of projects, fun distractions.
  6. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Thanks, I will/must/am planning those additional measures... writing them out, a list I can refer to and implement.....
  7. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Well I guess the number one thing on my list of measures to take when I'm feeling a crazy strong urge to give in completely is to come here and write in my journal.

    I feel so veteran-like, so old and aware, I know better, I should know better, I've already been through the really rough stuff and I realize life is so much better now. I'm more productive, living and enjoying life more, doing things I never had time for before, my relationship with my wife is gradually improving, my new career is moving forward, I'm out of debt and saving money. Although life isn't perfect, and I do continue to have stresfull and difficulty moments, that nasty dark cloud of total despair we are all familiar with has lifted.

    Yet the urge to look at porn and hastily beat off is so strong. Crazy! Just a moment ago my addict was saying, "Do it! Do it! Go man go! You can't live without it! Let's have some f-ing fun! Just once, do it quickly, get it over with, you deserve to feel good right now, you can handle one little round...." I actually closed the blinds, typed in the name of the porn star, hand halfway in my pants, was about to click enter.... Stopped. "What the hell am I doing?!"

    The memories of those dark times prompted me to come here instead. I've been on this forum 2 ½ years. When I came here I was hanging by a thread over hell, I saw no solution to my addiction, I was deeply depressed and anxious, lost, alone, self-abusive, no end in sight to my miseries.

    (A friend unexpectedly just came to the back door right where I am at the computer.... just for a quick hello and is gone now.... whew! ....life is better with out PMO : )

    OK, I'm back on track. The urge is still there, but so are the memories - angry self chastising thoughts, suicidal fantasies, hitting my head, breaking things and crying far too much.

  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You stomped that fucking bargainer down! :D Very proud of what you did. The entire collective here is breathing a sigh of relief, yet feeling inspired by your strength.
  9. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Yes I did! But needed to come back here just now as the bargainer is still whispering. Not today!
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Nope, not today! :)
  11. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    Not ever.
    Darn, man. Don't go back there.
    Break your f.... computer if needs be.
  12. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    Whooo ooooh
    100 DAYS !!!!!!
  13. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Keeping a hammer by the computer just in case. LOL Thanks web developer!
  14. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    asg: I know I'm not "way into" my reboot, but I finally feel OK posting on other people's threads. You're the first in a long, long time.

    I just want to encourage you. You've been there (here?) for me for a long, long time. I stand with you in your struggles. I am here for you.

    YOU are one of my heroes here!

  15. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    I need to be here now and hear this encouragement, Thank You! Much appreciated! You are doing it Guy! Just keep on not using porn! Stick to your guns no matter what... no matter what crap life throws at us PMO never helps!! You know that, I know that.

    I needed to hear myself say that. My wife leaves Christmas morning for 3 weeks out of state. It's just me and Guru and way too much alone time. Grieving for parents. Some anxiety. Feeling at times like I will not make it 3 weeks. I'm afraid I'll cave in.

    I'll just take it a No Option day at a time and all will be well. Strict and no peeking whatsoever is what it has to be. No messing around. When wife not home no time to dick around.
  16. Nofapado

    Nofapado Active Member

    Good to see the "Guys" talking, short, medium and tall.

    How about a three week in home retreat: yoga, prayer and meditation?
  17. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    Dicking around should be avoided in general. Stay tall ASG!
  18. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    This has been my plan and I still plan to implement it...

    ... I fully agree....

    and, well, I didn't view porn per se, was clothed/bikini/pre-porn, no nudity, and/but I dicked around, mo'd while viewing so-called pre-porn last night knowing full well it was not the retreat I intended.

    This past 100+ days I have not reached that no option mind set, I've talked about it, know it works and has gotten me to a feeling of freedom before. I'm thinking about whether to reset or not. I have not PMO'd. I have been MO'ing and viewed (technically) not-porn while MO-ing 3 times in the past 100 days. I feel like, in a similar place as the old Sears catalog days of 40 years ago, low speed pre-porn diddling now and then.

    Thinking, feeling, noticing, getting re-focused. Tough time but not terrible. Can't and won't let this escalate.
  19. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    That Sears catalogue was a goldmine of porn!

    It would all be so easy if it was just XXX porn that set me off. That is something I can consciously avoid. But it isn't that simple, is it. For you, it's bikinis; for me it's something else. For all of us on here, there is a socially acceptable pre-MO; one which, if someone were to see us looking at it, they'd not think twice about it, so we convince ourselves that it's okay. I can do this, just not that.

    Just because you don't have to use private browsing, clear your history, or hide it up in the heating ducts, doesn't mean it's good for you. I think you have one of two choices here: 1) train yourself to be able to look at bikini pictures, without having to jerk off, or 2) permanently avoid any images that cause arousal.

    But that Sears catalogue though...
  20. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the thoughts sonofJack. Much appreciated.

    Once, on a bicycle tour, while in an outhouse in nowhere Wyoming, I used the pages to wipe my butt, from a Sears catalog hanging from a chain just for that purpose.

    I'm in a post PMO state, lack of sleep, exhaustion, muscle stiffness and pain, shoulder, head and eye tension, little enthusiasm, general fatigue, no creativity. I haven't felt like this in a couple years. It's the lack of sleep and obsessive compulsive stuff. Now I'm rearranging nik naks, smoothing out wrinkles, making sure the hangers are hanging straight and my socks aren't pinched in the dresser drawer. Not wanting to go to work. Just want to be alone, and sleep.

    I am resetting my counter. I haven't wanted to, because I know it could trigger me to PMO again, one last time, this time with socially unacceptable porn rather than "Sears", do it one last time before I'm back on the wagon, "may as well since I'm resetting anyway". Well, I'm shaky on this at the moment, the addict is whispering in my ear, but I am taking a no option attitude right now. Today, just for today, I am not PMO-ing to anything, Sears or otherwise.

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