A lost boy's journey through dark woods towards real manhood and integrity

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by titan_transcendence, Jul 22, 2016.

  1. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Good example of how the addicted brain rationalizes things that are unrationalizable. Little bit equal to thinking that "I've already burned my meal down, might as well go and burn the whole house..." ;)

    Wish you a clean day 4.
    Lowdo likes this.
  2. Lowdo

    Lowdo Active Member

    Hey Titan - just wanted to quickly check in and say well done and keep going! There's some really important and inspiring stuff in what you've been writing.
    Oneway likes this.
  3. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Thanks Oneway and Lowdo.

    Day 5.
    It seems that the good phase has ended. After visiting my SO I am again influenced by her problems. As a result, good, balanced feeling flew away just like that and now I feel only sorrow, high anxiousness and need to escape. It seems Im extremely vulnerable to bad feelings. There's this childish need in me that everyone should just be all right, all the time. I have very meager resources to deal with any kind of stress, especially if it comes from my SO. I seem to become highly distressed until things will turn out to be OK again, somehow. Now it feels yet again that nothing matters, because things are fucked up in any case.
    I do not really know how I manage to deal this, but intend to go to gym now. I know I can not hope to enjoy this day, but try just to survive it.
    Maybe I should just begin to take some medication to suffocate all my feelings. Its so burdensome to be this sensitive, all the time. Its nothing but curse in the end.
  4. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Hey titan. Gym is a very good choice. After that try to make another good choice and then another. So that you can wake up tomorrow feeling good about at least the thing that you didn't succumb to pmo. Things that feel f**d up now, will get resolved at some point.
    Billy B. and titan_transcendence like this.
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    We all feel this from time to time. The first days/weeks free of PMO mae us vulnerable. Push through!

    This is why I was a constant liar during most of my life. Nice Guys despise confrontation. Dig deep!

    I felt this last night. I felt like a failure. This is a common feeling, unfortunately, for men in our age range in the Western world. This existential angst speaks lies. Keep rolling forward!
    Lowdo and titan_transcendence like this.
  6. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Day 5. late night.
    I survived this day. Evening turned out to be much better, especially when again was with my SO. Her better mood lifted my depressed feeling. I feel good now and have good motivation to make real effort to rebooting as well.
    During the day, I fell in quite a dark mood, but still did not escape to anything sexual. Of that, I feel proud of myself. I have begun to feel empowerment at times when going through bad day without any indulgence of addiction. Every time I manage to go through emotional turmoil, it gives me an unconscious sign that its possible to do that again and again. That Im strong enough to handle even difficult moments and challenging happenings. That theres no need to escape my life. That I can survive.

    Oneway: Yes, I really feel good now that I did not took the familiar choice to escape. Thanks for your words, which came just at the right time for me.
    Saville: I want to thank you too, because after reading yours and Oneways comments in my journal I was 100% sure that I would not fall today.

  7. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    That's great news, man. It's all about building resilience and healthy coping strategies.

    Onward, indeed. Just one day at time. :cool:
  8. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    You sure are strong enough to survive and to quit porn for good. It is not easy, but you have what it takes to push through the next turmoil and then the next so that healthy way of coping becomes gradually as instinctive as resorting to PMO has been earlier.

    Congratulations for making it another day clean!
  9. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Thanks Billy and Oneway, once again! :) I surely feel empowered after yesterday. Sometimes rebooting feels a struggle but sometimes.. like an opportunity to totally new life. Theres a exhilirating feeling in those moments.

    Day 6. Morning
    As for today, I already have quite positive and waiting feeling for the day to go on. I have few pleasant activities already planned which should fill the day.
    First Im planning to go to jogging in fresh air and when back do some yoga exercises. After that I will be making lunch for myself and then its time for my therapy session. For the evening I may visit the library and then.. well it could be time to go to my SO.
    But still I will be aware that something could not be go according my plans. I must prepare myself not to plan too far ahead. One thing at time. One moment at time.
    I hope to this day to be a good day, and so to all other fellow rebooters as well.
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2017
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  10. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Fuck, yeah!
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  11. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    I hope your day was all good, Titan, and if not: you know you can handle it!

    Rock on, Brother.
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  12. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    I hope your day was good Titan.

    I checked your journal a bit and noticed that not long ago you went 100+ days without p. So definitely you have what it takes to beat this.

    Just need to get the momentum going.
    Billy B. and titan_transcendence like this.
  13. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    One day at time, Titan. Thats all it takes.
  14. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Day 7 morning.
    If I will continue this day like the one's before, I have been clean for one week, which is quite big accomplishment in my books. Not managed to do this but few times before. Because its one week without any M'ng, edging, or P (which seems to be for me to easiest part, to refrain temporarily from P).
    I had a very good, solid day indeed yesterday, fellas. I was happy with my life for time being. I felt grounded, with balanced mind and with a streak of optimism for the future also. I think its almost solely due to rebooting benefits. I have noticed the same before. The first few days its extremely difficult to refrain from touching oneself. Then you need to be busy to make it much easier. Then the good feeling peaks around a 7 - 12 days. Now Im at that phase, I think no O counter would be around 10 days mark for now. Anyways, I know what will follow next: theres still this good, grounded feeling, with less anxiety and more self-respect, but little by little, it begins to feel little flat. Like, this is pretty much all there is by solely rebooting. My life remains the same, I follow the same routines, familiar patterns. Also, after 2 weeks, I start to have P flashbacks, and little by little start to miss it once again. Especially my favorites for 0ver 20 years, which my brain thinks are my gf's of sort. Or it could just be that the afflicted brain start to miss that excitement, that buzz which P definitely will give us for a moment, especially if one lives kind of asexual life otherwise.
    Of course, I could tumble just right away if some huge stress or discomfort would hit me, especially from my SO's direction. So, I must plan ahead and be wary of these traps along the way, already familiar for me.

    Billy, thanks a lot man! You are truly a rock star in here! :)

    Oneway: Thanks for your support! Yes it was most awesome during the last autumn to manage like 112 days without P, accomplishment which I had never managed before. Sadly, it have took over 4 months without little success since then. I gave in and it had been extremely difficult to find motivation to truly try after that. I have lost too the rebooting benefits like noticeable MW:s which I achieved during that time.
    Also, during that no P streak I MO'd a lot and felt kind of changing P addiction to MO/edging with fantasies - addiction. So the method of escape just changed, this addiction is very devious beast!
    But still, psychological effect of managing months without P left permanent positive changes in me. I have known since then that its possible to live without P.

    Lets have a good day, fellas! Even if something not so good should happen, lets try to find something beautiful in it, nonetheless! :)
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2017
    Lowdo likes this.
  15. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    This is good to see, that you have some awareness of the pattern. Blokes who're constantly disheartened by relapse could do well to remember that going around the cycle a few times is where we learn more about it. Most of you have only seen me come on here and take off on my present clean streak but I couldn't have done it without the experience I gained here a few years ago on my first reboot and without all the trial and errors I've had in-between.

    I remember from the last time how you became quite depressd and dishearted with the process after a time. I suspect that's, as you say, the addicted brain, used to being hyper-stimulated takes a long while to re-balance (I was still feeling that flatness, that lack of inspiration in the late 160's, even before stopping the pot which has brought another wave of... 'meh, whatever'). If we know that's comin' we can be psychologically prepared for it and ready to wade through, one day at time, until things get better. I have much hope for you on this reboot, mate!

    Same addiction, more or less, as you seem to understand now. So is this one going to be a Hard Reboot, with no M or O? No Fantasy, in as much as is possible? It will be tough, but I'm sure that's the quickest, if not the only, way through to the other side where we can finally experience the pleasures of life's simplicities once again, where we can manage our emotions in a more constructive and sustainable way.

    That's great to hear, too, mate! I'm so glad that you never gave up and kept coming here even through the period where you didn't feel up to the challenge. I feel like, through that time, even though you weren't rebooting, you were still working the program, still learning and growing, and that it has paid off. :)

    Right on. ;)
  16. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    8th Day hardmode reboot (no M/no P or P subs/ no F)
    I broke the no-F rule slightly this morning. Entertained some fantasies.. for a little time. Did not touch myself but must be more wary. I have two simple rules for the morning : come to write and read in this forum even a little bit and let curtains be closed until properly wake up. As low as it sounds, if I will open curtains of my apartment at the morning Im likely to oggle women if see them in the street. Today I did just that. Not good.
    Other than that, the day has been very good so far. I was in rehab job, after which I have typically felt very downcast. Today, I decided not to take it too hard and actually enjoyed being in there.
    Yesterday went fine too, even that I was alone the whole day. Still did not do anything inappropriate, even that felt slight anxiousness due to not seeing my SO that day.

    Every day managed successfully will give me good feeling about this lifestyle, how more balanced and happy Im living like this.
    I saw an interesting documentary about HSP, which gave me another boost of understanding towards myself. Highly sensitive persons could really flourish if they are understood in their childhood and encouragement boosts them more than other personalities. But if their needs are not met, they are very likely to get stuck in their lives, feeling low self-worth and very prone to depression and negativity. Im just like that and must now in this ripe age finally find out who I really am. That understanding, that self-care must come from within. Who else theres to love me but myself? I can still find my true self and where my strengths are.

    Billy: Yes, if one will crash his head at the same walls enough of times, there should happen some slow learning, how to avoid that in the end. But it surely needs awareness and persistence.
    I have not given up, because deep down I have known all the time that this is the only way for me. Otherwise it would be just the same old mostly self-inflicted suffering until the end of my days. Most important thing is this slow enlightening inside, that letting the P go, Im not actually giving anything precious up and theres so much better things to have that I cant even imagine them yet.
  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is important. I put more into my job now, too, and the result is I get more back. I bitched about my job for years, but now I can enjoy parts of it. Life is how we look at it. :)

    You are absolutely right!
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  18. Lowdo

    Lowdo Active Member

    Hey Titan - I just wanted to say you're a real inspiration. It's so good to see the progress you're making and the practical steps you've been taking. Keep going!
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  19. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Tactics! Very, very good. :)

    I'm so stoked to see your progress, my friend, how you're learning more and more about your addiction and about yourself.

    Roll on, Buddy.
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  20. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    9th Day of hardmode rebooting
    Its essential for me to come in here for a little moment at the mornings. The mornings still and are likely to remain the hardest part for me. I always wake up kind of "horny" mood, which actually masks my apprehension for the coming day. Yep, Im scared what could happen today. This is not anything particular happening just this day, but something bad that could happen this day or any day in the future.

    Lately it has been truly dawning on me how I lack some essential feeling of security, to be loved and that the things will work out. This is how I have been all my life. That has been deeply fueling this addiction, the need to escape, to find some sense of comfort and forgetfulness for awhile. There must have been some emotional lack in my childhood, maybe in those most important early years of it. Like, my parents really were there, but they did not show their love enough for me to make myself sure and without doubt feel to be loved and accepted. I think its because of my sensitive nature, I would just have needed extra assurance and then, at the later years, encouragement. Sadly, I lacked to have those, and it has left me to be this wounded man that im now. Feeling deep insecurity inside, which makes me anxious and suspicious, refraining from social contacts. I simply feel inside not to be "normal" or that others can see that Im weirdo. I do not actively seek others approving me, but isolate myself from most of the life.
    Now I have wrote down what truly makes me do these things related to addiction. Im simply wounded inside, theres this fracture that should be mended. I would need to take little steps that shows that I can manage in my life. That no huge catastrophe will destroy me just like that. But life really is unpredictable.
    This all comes down to emotional management. Im not a sex maniac. Actually, I feel very little need or interest to anything sexual in these clean periods. I wonder if I have felt genuine sexual interest many times of my life at all, always just messing these natural instincts with my anxiety and anguished feelings.

    Word of note to myself: I backtracked my latest entries until the start of this year. I have had at least 2 similar good phases in 2017 so far: first one I was truly determined and sure that now its time to make real difference. I ended up relapsing after 20 days.. Other one was like 7 days or so. My negative phases made me tumble both times.. So, no matter how high and mighty I could feel one day, I could very well be in devastated mood at the following day, with little interest and motivation but to find some comfort, somewhere, anywhere.. That is the key: to find some comfort. I need to find a way to solace that wounded inner child in me, to soothe and calm him, when feeling very bad. When all those old harmful feelings will once again surface. I must be that loving parent towards myself. I must find the warm light inside, to escape that darkness and feelings of emptiness.

    Saville: You are absolutely right. We can not influence all that will happen in our lives, but can choose our attitude how to deal with it. Its the art to know when just to feel little more positive and look what good can come of it, OR when to notice that the low feeling is due to need of change, to be brave and continue in one's own direction. But just staying stuck and complaining is the worst choice, which just makes one totally miserable.

    Lowdo: Thanks, man. If someone who is managing this addiction so well find me as an inspiration, well, maybe theres real hope for me too!

    Billy: This truly is the journey of self-discovery. It forces one to deal with one's issues. If one will turn out blind eye to any of those, the addiction will just return - theres no other way to deal with this.

    Have a good day, every one! We are more than worthy of it! :)
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