30 years of chains, I want to break free

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Rex, Feb 17, 2014.

  1. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Saying (my version) of a lil' prayer for your Dad, Rex. I hope he's feeling better?

    I was stoked to read that you were able to come clean with he and with your Mum and that you have their loving support... beautiful.

    Also stoked to see you doing so well(!) and onto the idea of broader life-style changes (in particular physical health) being an integral part of recovery.

    Rock on!
  2. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.


    Many thanks for your words of encouragement and especially for your prayers for my Dad. My Dad is doing much better and is expected to make a full recovery, he's was released from the hospital yesterday and is now recovering at home and in good spirits.

    I spoke with him over the phone today and told him about my being free from PMO the last week and half. He was glad to hear the news and told me to keep praying and to keep up the good work.

    The last two days I have been feeling lethargic and tired, I think it's the affects of the withdrawal, but I am still going strong and more determined than ever to keep moving forward PMO free.

  3. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Great! I'm glad to hear it.

    And yeah, the lethargy can be killer. "Wired and Tired". I think it was 40 who said that was his strongest memory of reboot.

    It's about right.

    I think (at 82 Days) I might finally be cresting some sort of hump but I'm not going to be surprised if'n I have further symptoms or troubles in the coming months.

    It's a journey!

    Peace to you. :)
  4. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.


    Thanks for your words of encourage. It's indeed a journey when in recovery, each day brings its own surprises and potential pitfalls to try to pull you back into PMO. However the good that occurs during the recovery far outweighs the bad. Some days it's great, other days the thoughts question why I am on this journey when it appears I am moving back a few steps back when withdrawal symptoms hit along with the bad urges. But I keep looking back and seeing the 11 days I have been PMO free, and see the great leaps I have made overall. When it's a bad day, I can't let the mind trick me into PMO, I have to continue to see over the hill of a bad day to the luscious valley of great rewards that lies at the other side of hill when the next great day occurs.
    Yesterday was a great day, everything seemed to fall into place for me, my outlook was very positive, the brain fog was gone, and I could really feel the benefits of being PMO free for an extended period of time. This morning is a different story, though upbeat the tingling feeling between my legs is back along with the brain trying to rationalize that a fall wouldn't be so bad. I see it all as a big trick, to derail the 11 wonderful days of being PMO free which for me a daily PMO addict is a giant accomplishment. I am staying focused, continuing to pray, and I have the virtual boxing stance of your avatar where I am ready to punch those thoughts of falling and the urges to fall into PMO. So far I am winning, and I will continue to fight like Rocky against Drago, knowing that if I keep punching, keep fighting, and don't let up, Drago is going down and I will be victorious.

    Peace to you, and keep up the good work fighting the good fight, you're doing great!

  5. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.

    January 10, 2017

    Well we are solidly into the second week of 2017. It's been a great year so far, I have been free from PMO this entire year. I have a long way to go on this journey, but a tough part of the battle is behind me. It's like a journey on foot from New York City to Los Angeles. It's about 2,790 miles. I feel on my journey I have reached western Pennsylvania, somewhere around Pittsburgh. I have gone far enough where I can feel a sense of self accomplishment, but the journey forward to Los Angeles is a lot farther than the distance I have traveled thus far. I also have a lot of obstacles to navigate through or around, including a hike across the Rocky Mountains. I have no illusions that the journey will be a tough one and I can't let my guard down and get too confident. I will remain confident but I will also realize the many pitfalls are there and I will have to carefully avoid them each time they pop up.

    I have not gone this long PMO free since early-2014. As I continue towards the current goal of breaking my 23 day streak, that I did back in early-2014, I will then have had the best run PMO free in about 20 years. As mentioned it's going to be a tough battle, but I am prepared for a fight and I am praying very hard to stay on this path of sexual sobriety.

  6. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Just keep going, no matter what. Cheers to 2017!
  7. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.


    Thanks for the encouragement, it's a big help!

  8. ananoman

    ananoman Active Member

    Keep fighting the fight!
  9. newleaf63

    newleaf63 Member

    rex, congratulations on your journey since the new year, remember to look at the scenery whilst on your walk, its a beautiful world without porn in our lives. all my best wishes
  10. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.


    Thanks for the words of encouragement. Still fighting and feel pretty good on this 13th day free from PMO.

  11. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.


    Thanks for the insightful words and encouragement. It's so easy to forget how the world and life can be so beautiful without porn. Hitting my 13th day free from the chains of PMO, I feel good, my world is now beginning to open up and my future looks bright.

  12. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    Rex, so proud of you. Thanks for stopping by my journal. I'm trying to focus on the things I'm thankful for and it helps. It is a beautiful world.
  13. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.


    Thanks for the kind words and words of encouragement. For me this is the most epic battle of my life. You have been a good friend both back in 2014 when I first arrived on this board and now that I have returned.

    I have a feeling that 2017 will be a great year in this battle for both of us.

  14. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.

    January 13, 2017

    It's been 2 weeks since my last fall to PMO. It's been 3 days since my last journal entry.

    Overall I feel good in this battle, I have accomplished something I have not accomplished in 3 years.

    This morning I woke up and the urges and tingling between my legs was off the charts. One of the worst days except for a day about a week ago. In other words withdrawal symptoms hit me hard. I knew that they would go away and couldn't last forever. So I just buried them, and went along keeping myself busy. This afternoon they have subsided. Rule #1, no matter how bad the urges or feelings are, they will eventually pass! They don't last forever.

    My brain is very foggy today, I can't concentrate and I am starring at the computer screen with great pauses between typing. Today Karl Childers has deeper thoughts and has a mind working better than mine. I am not worried this too will pass. Even if I get three days in a row like this, it's worth having the day like yesterday where I was on top of the world.

    My brain has stopped working, so I'll stop typing since I forgot the other points I was going to bring up.

    Wait a minute, I just remembered one of those points. Overall though I am struggling with brain fog now and the urges earlier today, I am still in great spirits. Any day free from PMO is always better than a day in which I fall to PMO. My soul is at peace and I continue to be vigilant in this fight to beat my PMO addiction.

  15. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.

    January 15, 2017

    It's been 16 days of freedom from PMO.

    It's been wonderful and glorious. A big burden has been lifted from my shoulders. The battle will continue, not putting my guard down, but there are great days ahead. I can truly feel from my gut that things are finally changing for me.

    One of the things during this recovery process that have helped to subside the need to look at porn has been a change in my attitude towards porn. It was only through finding the root cause of why I was looking at porn to begin with. The cause was my desire to find my life soulmate, a wife. I have finally come to the conclusion that

    I don't need a woman to complete me!

    Culturally we have it beat into our brains that we as men are nothing without a good woman at our side. Though how beautiful life can be with a woman who is a good match, a woman brings life certain joys and happiness or agony and sadness if you marry the wrong one. If you don't find a wife you aren't any less of a person. Your value hasn't diminished as a human being in the eyes of God. I have finally come to realize that I don't need a woman to be happy or complete, and if that perfect woman happens to come across my path, I would be open to marriage. However I won't obsess or worry about it. I leave it now in God's hands. I am moving on with my life. If I never get married or even if never go another date with a woman again, I won't be disappointed or depressed. The shackles have been removed.

    I posted in another members journal more details on this change, here is that post:



    What you described has been my vicious cycle for years. You pinpointed the root cause of the problem, the search for a true loving relationship with a woman - a soulmate. The porn is easy since we can think in our brains we can get the feelings of true intimacy through the fantasy of porn. It's the way our brains are wired with the modern society with which we live, we were brought up on video games which put us in different fantasy situations that weren't real. Most of us will never fly a 747 jumbo jet or play basketball in the NBA but we can get the experience though playing a video game. However the longer you play these video games eventually they become old or you complete the game. Through many years of looking at porn, we realize it's empty but it's that feeling of euphoria that we are trying to achieve through MO and the fantasy of looking at the porn. We feel it will fill that missing piece we all have in our hearts due to not having a true loving relationship with a woman.

    I assume that you are single, I am single. I am not married and have never been married, it has been this longing for my soulmate, a wife, that fueled my PMO addiction for years - it's the root cause. I dated for years, and I was never able to find a soulmate. When I did fall in love with a woman, she didn't feel the same way I did. When a woman would fall in love with me, I would not feel the same way about her. This leads to a feelings of failure because we feel as if we failed or somehow were shortchanged. There's a hole in the heart that hasn't been filled. We feel as if we are lesser men because of it. We see our friends and coworkers who are married and we are the odd men out. The single guy, the bachelor. This is where the porn comes in, it comforts us initially. We feel we get some sort of release and get to live a life of true intimacy (through fantasy). We soon find out that's not true only after it becomes a serious addiction, we do it just to survive, just to get that little blip of euphoria that never lasts. This becomes an endless quest where we are like the elephants at the circus that keep chasing the tail of the elephant in front of them causing them to walk into an endless circle. It's only the intervention of the circus ringmaster or trainer who stop the elephants in their circular movement.

    For me when I first arrived to this forum board in early-2014, I really struggled. I walked a tightrope for 23 days, then I fell. My shame caused me to leave this board after I couldn't get back on my feet and I was gone for almost three years. Now I am back again, and 16 days free from PMO. This time has been hard, but it's been much easier than early-2014. Even during those 23 days, I still longed for porn I just couldn't get it out of my head. It kept dangling there, I got the thoughts and they instantly gave me this sense of pleasure and relief and I push them away. However as I kept pushing those thoughts away, I was still under this spell of the allure of looking at naked women. This time around, the porn doesn't have the control over me. I do get days with urges but those are urges to MO, it's not the porn. However I know if I MO, it will be right back to porn. Furthermore I don't want to waste my time MOing it's not good for me physically or spiritually.

    This time around I am praying daily just like last time, this time a little harder. I truly believe the praying is making me see things from a different angle. The new angle is this, and it has been very successful in removing the pull of the porn:

    I don't need a woman to complete me as a man

    Yes that's right, I have finally decided in my life after years of dating and looking for a soulmate - a wife. I don't care. I don't care if I ever go on another date in my life. I don't care even if I live to almost 100 years old and spend another 50 years single, it doesn't bother me. Just like most guys love exotic sports cars that cost more than the average house price. We know most of us will never own one so we don't fantasize about exotic sports cars night and day. If we did, it would drive us crazy. That's what I finally realized, in my life this endless quest of finding a wife was driving me crazy and fueling an endless addiction to PMO. It's over for me, I have hung up the towel. I don't need a woman, don't long for a woman. I want peace in my soul, today I have it. I finally after 47 years of life, I am truly at peace. This is not to say if love happens to fall my way that I wouldn't get married but I am just not going to worry about it. I'll let God take care of the future, I am not going to worry or obsess about it another day.

    No matter how many times you fall, Titan, don't ever give up. I am proud of how you are fighting this battle. Victory is right around the corner for you.


    Last edited: Jan 15, 2017
  16. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Need is the word of an addict...you don't need, you create.
  17. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.


    Very well said! I never thought of it that way, but you are right.

  18. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Yes!!!! :D
  19. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.


  20. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.

    January 17, 2016

    18 days free from PMO.

    Things are going well for me. The brain fog has lifted for the last few days, I am multitasking like a champ at work, juggling several different tasks with excellent precision. I feel as if my brain is about 20 years younger, if I can get my body feeling 20 years younger I'll have it made. I am feeling my self worth returning, the hatred I had for years towards myself for years is now gone. I am now happy and upbeat and I feel a sense of purpose in my life. I don't feel like I am going through the motions like I was before this current journey free from PMO. These great feeling are 1 million times better than Porn or a MO. This is a real high, I am getting high on life.

    The urges and temptations hit, but their power has lessoned greatly. They don't have the pull on me like they did before. I am now finding myself moving into a routine where my body and mind are used to being PMO free, as if I have been that way for years. It's like I am an airplane that has had a rough accent, but am now at cruising attitude and I am running on auto pilot. It's a great feeling! Of course, I realize there will be tests and tribulations in the future but I want this new life more than the fleeting pleasure of a fall to PMO. This life is one I have wanted for a long time. I can feel the joy permeate my body. I wake up and I look forward to the new day.

    I will continue to fight and to pray the rosary every day. I am in a great place right now, it's a place where I want to stay. I am determined to make this my new life.

    Joy and Peace to everyone!


    Last edited: Jan 17, 2017
    GottaChange76, Libertad and Billy B. like this.

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