30 years of chains, I want to break free

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Rex, Feb 17, 2014.

  1. dude, if you would have told me a mere year ago that i'd go over a 100 days with PMO'ing i would have said you're nice but delusional. seriously, i spent 20 years addicted to P with my longest previous streak being about 70 days back in 2012. i don't exactly know what the key to this breakthrough is other than the grace of God (duh) and merely WANTING it more than wanting to view P. plus, like i've said before, maybe ALL addictions eventually either kill you or you quit. i think i just got to that point with it. where i'd rather die than keep repeating the process of downloading the same sh*t over and over and over again only to delete and re-download over and over and over again. that was the bigger addiction than the actual P in some ways. regardless, i'm here and living proof that mere desire for change and giving it up to God CAN be a breakthrough. because, seriously, i'm not really doing much different in my life. but i'm excited as heck about what this means for me long-term. STAY AROUND is my advice. guys like musicman, saville and 40new30 are HUGE inspirations. they work it. they share. their wisdom needles its way into your brain and your heart. we can all overcome this crap. we can. be well man and glad you're onboard!
    2BFree likes this.
  2. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Glad to have you back, Rex. You can do this!
  3. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.

    Great words and fantastic advice! I am staying around this time. Not backing down!

  4. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.

    Thanks Billy! It's good to be back, I feel like I am home....

  5. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.

    January 3, 2017

    Wow, it's been about 96 hours since my last PMO! In my head, I am climbing the walls. I am starting to feel the full withdrawal kick in big time this morning! The temptations in the mind have not been bad, but the tingling between the legs is about a 10 out of 10 this morning. After a few hours of this going on, I took a lukewarm to cold shower. I feel much better after the shower, the tingling has lessened greatly but it's still present. It appears I am in an uphill battle today, but I am determined to continue swinging until this day is over. Even if the tingling increases in intensity again, I will keep fighting it. I know eventually it will go away.

    On another note, I read this fantastic post from hfs.lpd which was posted in March 2014 on the Success topic area on this forum board. I don't know hfs.lpd and this is the first time I had read any of his posts. He is one of the many success stories, he's free from PMO. He gives 5 Tips to Success in beating the PMO addiction. All are great. However this part of his post really struck me today, it was an epiphany, this guy said something that in 34 years of PMO addiction I never realized. These were the words:

    This is it! I mean this is my story. After 23 successful days of being PMO free in early-2014, when the urges hit hard and I had a bad day and I rationalized if I fell, it would be just once. Well that fall of just once three years ago, took me three long years to get back on my feet again because it's an endless cycle: one relapse, leads to another one relapse, etc. It reminds me of a guy I knew years ago, he was always smoking and every cigarette in his hand, he was convinced was the last cigarette he would smoke.

    To me I can't afford another relapse, I can't struggle for another 3 years. I refuse to rationalize a fall, for I can't lose another 3 years of my life.

    I recommend everyone read hfs.lpd's 5 Tips to stay PMO free, here's the link:


    Happy Tuesday!


    Last edited: Jan 3, 2017
    Zippy likes this.
  6. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Deep Breaths, Rex. You're on the right track, now. Good to hear you feeling committed. There are great things ahead. :)
  7. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.


    Thanks, it's been a tough day, but I have made it through. Glad you brought up the breathing, that's one thing I need to do some research on, and find some techniques that work during those trying moments when the urges hit. Have any recommendations?

    Today has been a roller coaster. A few minutes ago I had the rationalization in my head for me agree it was ok if I fell. I realized it was a trick and threw that thought out of my head. I have got some more work to do before I go to bed, so I will put all my energies into working for the next few hours, and keep the mind busy. After that cardio exercise for 30 minutes and then go to bed.

    No matter how rough the day has been with the withdrawal symptoms, it's been another great day free from porn. I am feeling happy and jovial in this epic battle.

  8. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Yes! A rough day in recovery is always preferable to any day as a porn-wraith (< Bobjes, I believe, coined that phrase: intense but apt!).

    Any kind of slow, deep, mindful breathing will bring us into the moment and help to calm our nerves. One I've been doing lately and loving is Alternate Nostril Breathing (<that is a link) which is, apparently, especially good for regulating emotion.

    You've done great, today!

    Only a few more hours and you can rest.

    It will... it wll be up and down (you know this) but (you also know that) it will get easier as time goes on.

    Roll on. :)
  9. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.


    Indeed yesterday was a struggle, but so true any rough day in recovery is always better than any day as a porn-wraith.

    Thanks for the kind words and vote of confidence and for the information on the Alternative Nostril Breath, I am going to try that. I'll let you know how it goes.

  10. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.

    January 4,

    It's been 5 full days free from PMO!

    After the trials and tribulations of yesterday, fighting the urges and temptations I am much better than yesterday. I had a rough night, had some stomach issues so I didn't get to sleep until about 4:30 AM in the morning. After only having a few hours of sleep, physically I felt terrible when I woke up, but I didn't have any temptations or urges so it was a great morning. I woke up feeling proud of myself. I didn't care that I felt like a truck ran over me, emotionally I felt at peace.

    After being up and working for a few hours, I got the news that my Dad was brought to the hospital earlier this morning for a serious health issue. Thank the Good Lord, he's doing much better than when he first arrived and he is expected to be released from the hospital in a few days. So it's not life threatening. The doctors want to keep him in the hospital for a few more days for observation. Any prayers you could say for a speedy recovery would be appreciated.

    I am very close to my Dad and Mom, they have been the foundation of my life. I can certainly say with 100% honesty that I have been blessed by God with two great parents! What makes it so difficult is that I am about 1,000 miles away from them. Recently I told my parents about my PMO addiction, they were both surprised and didn't realize I had a PMO addiction. I was comforted by how they listened and offered to help in anyway in my fight against this addiction. My Dad told me to pray and never give up the fight that many other good men were battling the same addiction/spiritual battle, that I would one day be victorious with God's grace. For years I lived with this horrid addiction, and finally being able to come clean and tell my parents about it. It was real breakthrough. I thought all these years, I would somehow lose their love if they ever found out about it, or they would think less of me. They didn't, they were very supportive of my fight.

    I remember when I was 13 or 14 years old and my Dad found my stash of Playboy and Penthouse magazines. He took them and he burned them in the fireplace, it was summertime. He explained to me how these magazines were bad for me, he told me I should never look at these types of magazines again. I wish I had heeded his advice. I could have saved myself a little over 3 decades of self destruction.

    I had an epiphany last night, I realized that we aren't in control of the future. We can control some aspects. But the bigger things, we just have to pray and trust in God. We ride the waves, but we can't stop them. When I had this epiphany, I said to myself I am going to trust God, and no matter what I am not going to fall to PMO. Today was a test of that resolve, hearing the news about my Dad would have sent me looking for some sort of comfort from PMO. Not today, it's not even part of my though process. I am not going to even let those thoughts take root in my head, as soon as they pop up, WHAM, they will be gone.

  11. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.

    January 5, 2017

    I am 6 full days free from PMO!

    Woke up this morning and physically felt like crap but spiritually and emotionally I felt great. I am suffering from health related problems that have plagued me for the last 5 1/2 years, I'll spare everyone of the details since it's not really relevant to my PMO recovery process.

    Yesterday wasn't bad, most of my problems were physical. I kicked away the few PMO urges that hit yesterday with relative ease.

    This run is a lot easier than the start of my 23 days free from PMO which I started in February 2014. It's been a struggle but I don't feel like I am walking on a tightrope like I was during that early-2014 recovery run. The worst day I had was a few days ago where the urges really hit hard. That passed, so the advice to those reading my post today is:

    no matter how hard those urges hit, the urges will eventually pass and lead to some inner peace.

    I feel good, I have let the past go. I have forgiven myself for my past failings and asked God for forgiveness. I am truly at peace.

    I look forward to what the remainder of this day will bring, and look forward to hitting the 7 days free from PMO milestone tomorrow. For me that will be a big one. This week has been wonderful, especially for someone like me who was a daily PMO addict. I could not have done it without all of you, so Thanks!

    Good luck to all of you on your journey to free yourselves from PMO, you can do it. If I can you can also do it.

  12. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    Congrats Rex. The first week is always the hardest for me. I feel great then an urge hits me like a freight train and I can think of nothing else. Sorry to read about your health problems; that can't be fun. Thanks for posting on my journal and thanks for being on this journey with me.
  13. 2BFree

    2BFree New Member

    I know many on here overcome the addiction through other means, but I'm with you. I believe we have a choice to believe God when He says it will kill you, or you don't. Even if it doesn't literally kill you, it steals the time from your life and makes you actually, literally miss life itself, and then it's lights out. That's the same as death for me. I must decrease, so He may increase.
    harvesterofsorrow likes this.
  14. Well said man...well said.
    2BFree likes this.
  15. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.


    Thanks, we are all in this battle together. You are right, something about hitting that 1 week mark and then the urges hit like a freight train. They have hit me hard today. They were really bad this afternoon, I prayed three rosaries, and felt much better with the burden having been lifted. The urges have hit again this evening but not as hard. One thing, I have figured out in my pattern of falling is that before I fall, I rationalize the fall before I pull the trigger into PMO. Today those thoughts hit hard earlier in the day trying to get me to rationalize the fall, I refused to let myself rationalize a fall. I told myself "it's not going to happen". Tonight beginning into week #2 PMO free, I feel good. I am glad I have come back to this forum board, it's been a real life changer thanks to friends like you. I am going to keep plugging and I am in this for the long haul. I can't do it alone and with prayer and this board I have a new hope that this daily PMO addict can be permanently free from the chains of PMO.

  16. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.

    January 7, 2017

    8 days free from PMO!

    Wow, what a night! When I went to bed, I had that dreaded tingling feeling between my legs. I woke up a few times during the night and finally woke up this morning with that same feeling. I just ignored it telling myself that it will eventually pass. I am determined at all costs not to stop or impede this journey in any way. My recovery has been tough this last week. However I am feeling the benefits already, knowing that I didn't waste a second on PMO this past week, is victory in itself. But emotionally, spiritually, and even physically I am starting to feel better. This morning I physically feel better than I have in a few weeks. I am starting to believe that some of my physical problems are also interrelated to my PMO addiction. Even if it's the fact that PMO has led me to hate myself so much that I let myself go physically. I used to be a gym rat, working out in the gym several times a week and in fantastic shape up until about 5 1/2 years ago.

    I have let my weight go eating bad stuff and not exercising, my weight at the end of last year slowly crept up to 213 pounds. A few days after Christmas of last year I cleaned up my diet for the new year and I haven't been too good about exercise yet, part of the reason was I felt so lousy. I will start exercising today, but I have dropped to 205 pounds after 2 weeks of changing my diet. My goal is drop down to my ideal weight of 180 pounds, 25 more pounds to go.

    My self destruction has ended. I am going to continue the path of staying clean from PMO, I may have lost many years but God willing what years I have left will be the best years of my life.

  17. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    Isn't it amazing how we rationalize a potential fall; not sure why we do that. Good to see you cleaned up your diet. I had a gym trainer tell me that body weight and shape are 70% diet and 30% exercise. I've heard different percentages but suffice it to say, they are both important. I am a Christian and have kicked up the prayer time about PMO; giving thanks for a clean day and praying for another clean day.

    I am already starting to feel calmer. That's one thing I love about the reboot is feeling more calm rather than stressed out so much.
  18. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.


    Could not have said it better than that! Great advice about kicking up the prayer, I have done that big time and it has helped greatly. The clean days are indeed something to be very thankful for.

    I feel the same calm beginning to take hold, the PMO is so destructive but so cunning, I have failed in the past to see how bad it destroys, just about every aspect of our lives. It's in the recovery process and seeing the positive changes filter back, the full realization kicks in that being PMO free is such a glorious thing.

  19. Endeavour

    Endeavour Member

    Hi Rex,

    your post at the top of this page about relapses and the 5 tips was really helpful. my therapist who had been a serious alcoholic once told me that a relapse after a long period of abstinence seems to re-invigorate the beast so that it then can become a series of mini relapses after that and it can take a long time to climb out of that freshly dug hole. I had a few years of abstinence and whilst I have kept away from PMO I want back to other things and am now finding it quite a struggle to break the hold ; it seems harder than the first time. I am looking at it positively as a warning as to what can happen and using it to be determined not to be the guy who is adrift for another 3 years.
  20. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.


    That's a great way your therapist summarized a fall after a long period of abstinence by calling it "re-invigorate the beast", that's exactly what happens.

    I had replied to your post in WRAT's journal, not sure if you saw it. Here's the post:


    The book I recommend in the post, I think would help the other things you are falling into right now, LTE recommended it and I have found it a great help. This book does a great job of breaking down the thought process that leads us to sex related addictions and how we can break the thought process and beat the addiction once and for all.

    Good luck, that's fantastic that you have stayed away from PMO for the last few years. You can beat your recent addictions. We are all in this battle together.


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