30 years of chains, I want to break free

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Rex, Feb 17, 2014.

  1. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Rex - I guess that's why they say there is some sort of higher power involved in the recovery process... :)

    Love seems to be a 4-letter word that our egos/critical selves just can't comprehend... :D
  2. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.


    One of the side effects of PMO is how it removes joy from our lives. It never happens immediately, it slowly takes it away like a vine slowly wraps itself around a large oak tree. The vine takes years to choke the life out of the oak tree, but in the end if given enough time it always does. So too, PMO slowly removes all joy from our lives. Part of it is the shame and guilt PMO causes you to feel, the other part is the constant pump of dopamine that PMO shoots into your brain. This process somehow makes me also feel very numb. As if I am detached from life, in a pseudo stupor state where I am in the world but totally detached. I also have a brain fog during these times as if I am under the spell of PMO.

    The good news is when I am away from PMO for a few days, the brain fog clears and I start to see things in the world that I usually miss when I am in a PMO stupor. And during this time of awakening I feel joy returning, I feel the curtains of doom being pulled back. I went out to dinner with family this evening and even though it was cold, windy, and generally pretty miserable. I found the greatest joy in the littlest of things. The houses with Christmas decorations and lights brought a smile to my face. I walked by an outdoor skating ring and watched all the people of all ages skating and having fun. I watched the children with smiles on their faces skating and laughing, they were all in the traditional Christmas spirit. It gave me flashbacks to when I was a kid and the fun of this time of year anticipating Christmas. These were the years before I had found PMO. A time when things were simple I only worried about getting good grades in school, obeying my parents, and looked forward to being with friends. Seeing all those people tonight enjoying themselves made me happy. I felt as if the curtain has been lifted. I could see the good in the world and not the negative I usually seem to usually dwell on. I always feel so happy inside when I ditch PMO for a few days. It reminds me of the time I stuck it out in a house for a week in complete darkness with no power after a hurricane had hit my area. I was living in the house by myself. And the great feeling I felt when the power came back on and I could finally take a warm shower after a week of taking ice cold showers. And I could cook at home, watch TV, and had the Internet again.

    I get the same feeling when I am away from PMO. The problem is permanently staying away from PMO, the urges hit and they usually hit hard. I must replace those feeling of pleasure when tempted with the terrible foggy and depressed feelings I have after falling. It's kind of like a food that you like that makes you ill after you eat it but you like the taste of it so much you continue to eat it. Eventually you finally replace the great memories of how good that food tastes with those memories of illness of eating this food when you tempted to eat that food which causes you to finally smarten up and stop eating it. I need to smarten up and keep replace those feelings of self pleasure with those bad memories of how rotten I feel after I fall and reflect on the massive hole I dig for myself when I fall to PMO.

    The positive is that I see progress in this area, but there's still much work to be done. For now I am in a good place, it's a place where I want to remain. Good things are happening, I can feel the storm is over and the power is back on in my life. It's now my choice to continue to move forward and not repeat the vicious cycle for I can't stand living in darkness anymore.
  3. sdlekr

    sdlekr Free

    Porn is S H I T

    Thanks for this.
  4. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Porn is like McDonald's, Rex. It tastes great going down, and we feel like shit afterwards :)

    Time to move on from fast foods :D
    Zippy likes this.
  5. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    Rex, you really hit home talking about finding joy in the little things when not doing PMO. I experience that as well and I don't want to lose it again.

    Thanks for your post.
  6. Posse88

    Posse88 New Member

    Hey Rex,

    Just wondering how your holidays are going, hope all is good!!

    Take Care
  7. Secondhalf

    Secondhalf Guest


    new here after being on YBOP... a lot of what you say is idetical for me. I think I realized I had a problem 10 years ago and it has been a struggle to say the least. I am working on a twice a month pace which is an improvement. I genuinely think I am on the cusp of beating it for good this time. Your words help, thank you
  8. NewVerse

    NewVerse New Member

    Keep on keepin' on, Rex

    I just jumped back on the wagon myself. Done a bunch of 1-2 week clean stretches. Hoping to get some longer runs. One day at a time though, brother.
  9. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.

    Thanks to everyone for the words of encouragement! I have been truly blessed by the good friends I have met on this board.

    I have been gone for a long time. I let my pride and shame keep me away. I have fallen more times than I care to want to even think about. I am tired of falling and then beating myself about it, over and over. It's a vicious cycle that we are all too familiar with. It's been 2 years since I have been here. I have not gotten better, wish I could say that I have. However I am back and I just hit the reset button as of a few hours ago. I have had enough, whatever it takes, I shall overcome. Here's my plan of attack:

    1) Honesty - yes, you have read right. However I am not talking about honesty but HONESTY and I mean real HONESTY!

    What do I mean by this? I have finally come to the conclusion after much deliberation that I don't like to live in the real world. Honesty hurts, but it's genuine and as it says in the Bible - "the truth shall set you free". Porn is fantasy, and partaking in it, is living in a false pretend world of my invention. This has led to my replacing my failures in life, with porn. Trying to live a life in my head that's 100% fantasy. No matter how creative my fantasies are or how beautiful the woman looks on that computer screen, it's still a fantasy and she's just pixels and not part of my reality.

    The reset button has been hit, and as was said in the Breakfast Club movie, "today is the first day of the rest of my life". So I start again without PMO, moving towards that better "real" life
    without the fantasies of porn.

  10. Libertad

    Libertad Active Member

    Welcome back, Rex and well said, PMO is an Illusion of intimacy. We deserve the real world and it´s up to us to make the real thing more disarible for us then the fake one and to help our brain to reconnect to real life. I wish you the best.
  11. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.


    Thanks, appreciate the kind words and the words of wisdom. So true about how important it is to connect our brain to real life.

  12. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.

    I am going to use my thread again as a log of my battle, it was effective before and it helped me go 23 days free from PMO back in early-2014, which is the longest I have gone in long, long, long time. Read my thread from the beginning to read the whole story. Unfortunately I am back to falling to PMO just about every day.

    I have been feeling under the weather the last three days, with a cold. About 30 minutes ago, I began to think of a beautiful girl I knew when I was a senior in high school. She was my age at the time, my friend from high school was more interested in her and he did eventually date her for a short period of time. She was beautiful, a perfect 10. She was also a good friend. For some reason thoughts of her came back to me, I began to visualize what she might be like now in her 40s, and if she has still has that twinkle in her beautiful blue eyes, still has her beautiful blonde hair, still has her perfect body, and if she still has that million dollar smile. I then began to think about holding her and smelling her hair. Then I realized I was going down the same dead-end road. My brain wanted the fantasy to continue. It wanted me to insert a phony conversation, turn this into a daydream to fuel my thoughts and have me continue to pretend I now have a relationship with this woman who I have not seen in almost three decades. I then stopped this right in it's tracks and I said "this isn't real, this is fantasy". I then inserted real HONESTY into the discourse with my brain, and I began to tell my brain "hey she's not a part of my life, I am a single unmarried male who lives by himself". Then I felt a big burden lift from me, I had beaten the thoughts. Normally these thoughts would get me going and lead me into falling to PMO. It was easily averted this time with HONESTY. Battle victory #1 in a very long war against porn.

    In a couple of hours I will be going to bed, in the morning I face a big challenge. When I wake up, I usually fantasize about being with a beautiful woman as I wake up, the thoughts always lead to an early morning PMO. Tomorrow when the dirty thoughts hit, I will be inserting HONESTY into the equation.

    I also plan on praying a full rosary tonight before I go to bed for the intention that I not fall to PMO tomorrow and that I be cured of my addiction to PMO.

    Last edited: Jan 3, 2017
  13. Rex, welcome back. let me tell you that your story is not unique...and i mean that as a compliment! like you, i substituted P for reality. it's a drug, pure and simple. all sorts of rationality can keep it in your life but ultimately you get to that point where you know in your heart that it's not "okay" or "normal" or something you can control. you accept that it's a monster ravaging your soul and your life. i've lost so much time. losing any time when life is so short is intolerable so, hey, better late than never to truly get it right. i'm a Christian too and, for me, this battle has been as much a spiritual battle as much as a physical one. i'm convinced that the physical battle has already been won...i simply do not get a thrill from P anymore. it became nothing but a drudgery. an act. mindless and stupid. i was a trained monkey. the battle was spiritual. and, for me, i had to get back to Scripture and accept that i was powerless over this sin in my life and just ask God to take it away. and slowly, slowly yet surely He did. but He did it in a measured way where i learned from my failures and i learned to persevere. there is beauty and dignity in falling and getting back up and learning a little bit more from it. and slowly all those little victories pile up and you're on your way to a major breakthrough. and then it just becomes (again, for me, i'm talking) a simple decision to not bait yourself and go back to burn the dragon when the dragon isn't even breathing any fire anymore. not sure what that means but it sounded right! just ignore the son of a bitch. the bite is gone. so i focus on other things. for a while, recently, it has been other sins! like drinking secretly. and popping pills. but i'm going through the same process with these things as i did with the P and they are losing their grip as well. 2017 is going to be an epic year for me. i know it. glad you're back, friend!
  14. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.


    Many thanks! Those were just the words that I needed to hear. So very true about turning to God to fight this addiction. That is the real answer, we are all powerless without God's help. You also made a great point about how other addictions can creep up on us while we fight the PMO addiction. I am fighting a weight problem right now. I gained about 10 pounds over the last month. I have lost 5 of them the last week, but I really need to lose another 25 pounds to get back to my ideal weight and get myself in shape. The PMO really makes me not care about anything else. But that's changing. I was sick today with a cold that gotten worse but I was upbeat and very happy. I was tempted several times today to fall to PMO, but I held though. And I will continue to pray for the grace and strength to continue on this journey.

    It's been a little over 30 hours and emotionally I feel great. As you said 2017 is going to be a great year for both of us, one free from PMO! :)
  15. Amen brother. And glad I could be of some inspiration! There are a few incredible dudes on this site that are truly inspirational daily...me? I've mostly been a taker. But I'm hoping to give back more in the new year as I continue to heal and separate myself from these issues. Forward it is!!!
  16. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Hey Harvester,

    Just wondering if it is time to change your YBR name. You still want to harvest sorrow? Or are these days over? What would you like to harvest?

    Just a thought that pops in my mind everytime I read it. :)

    Happy 2017! ;)
  17. hey bobjes, ha, good point! well, as you can tell from the avatar, i'm a big (old) metallica fan. never truly thought of myself as a harvester of actual sorrow (or harvester of anything, except porn!, for that matter) but always thought the title was cool. but yes, harvesting joy is my goal for 2017. been trying to reap a much better harvest since i started to contribute to this forum about nine months ago and the payoff is great! so, yes, i'm technically harvesting only *good* things in the future if i can help it..but, no, will maintain the name if only because it kicks a$$ :)

    Thanks for the good cheer, bro!
  18. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Lol, I am obviously not a Metallica Fan. I will check it out. ;)
    harvesterofsorrow likes this.
  19. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.

    You were a big help to me on day #2, seeing a guy like you hit 103 days free from PMO gives me great hope. I have been free from PMO for 72 hours - three full days! My plan is make all of 2017, PMO free.
    harvesterofsorrow likes this.
  20. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.

    January 2, 2017

    Wow, what can I say? I am now 72 hours free from the chains of porn. It was an easier first 72 hours than those I encountered at the beginning of my log in 2014. How I wish I never gave up on myself after falling after 23 days free from PMO back in 2014. It took me almost almost 3 years to dust off my feet after that fall and come back. For those reading this post, please if you fall don't give up on yourself, keep trying. I lost almost 3 years of my life to PMO. No more.

    It's funny when the urges and temptations hit all the tricks that helped me at the beginning of this thread all came back to mind. In other words for this second round of seriously trying to free myself from PMO, I feel more like a veteran baseball player who has a little wisdom under his belt. I am not kidding myself, I am still in for the fight of my life however I feel this time I am going to make it. Last time I was counting the minutes, the hours, and the days. This time I have a more confident attitude, I have the tools - prayer and other techniques to be victorious in this battle. I also have the wisdom that the guys on the 20s and 30s board probably don't possess yet - I didn't have it at their age. Their lives haven't been shattered as much as mine, I fell into this wretched addition 34 years ago. Don't believe that was a long time ago? Try this on for size Ronald Reagan was still in his first term in office, Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean" and the Police's "Every Breath You Take" were on the radio. I know with absolute certaintity that the future for me is very dark and grim, if this addition continues for me. The price has been very great, my health, my mental well-being, and every other aspect of my life has suffered. After 40, it went downhill for me very fast. I always told myself, I could stop at anytime. But there was always that "hey just do it one more time", and I could never stop. The only hope I ever had was back in 2014 with this forum board. To those younger guys out there reading this post, don't be like me, kick this habit so you can move on with your life and have that very best life that God has intended for you.

    I could ramble on but I think I said enough. I want to thank all that helped me recently and before. Especially LTE who was such a great inspiration to me, he's proof that we can all beat PMO. LTE would spend hours on this board helping others long after he had beat his addiction to PMO. Even when I left the board, his words still stuck in the back of my head. If you are out there LTE, I just want to let you know I am reading and using the "Breaking the Cycle - Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession, and Shame" techniques. To those unfamiliar with this book, it's a fantastic book, that helps to retrain the brain to beat the PMO addiction, LTE recommended this book to all. I also recommend it to all who suffer from PMO or any type of sex addiction. I also recommend to everyone to read through LTE's journal, there are many pearls of wisdom in his journal:


    My journey will be a long one, but so far this year has been a great one with much hope.

    I can't remember who on this board said these great words but these words are pasted on my brain today and are spot on:

    "You are not your addiction"

    Amen! And Happy 2nd day in the New Year to you!

    Last edited: Jan 3, 2017
    Zippy likes this.

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