23 y/o femdom pothead with pied, here we go..;

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by WanderingSoul, Sep 11, 2017.

  1. WanderingSoul

    WanderingSoul Member

    Day 92- It's been brutal. Fell into a huge weed hole. Masturbated a bunch. Started off normal and then got kinkier and kinkier. Weed is definitely an addictive drug, it's B.S if anyone tells you otherwise. There literally are addict personalities though based on how your body processes certain chemicals. With alcohol I've always gone too far, and the same is true with weed. It's possible the same is true with porn. Perhaps many people don't get PIED for the same reason they don't become an alcoholic or a pothead from touching that stuff. I am not sure. 92 days into me starting this journey, got seriously derailed.

    November 30 2017- Day 3 nofap, Day 2 noweed

    I was so miserable the other day after a night of smoking a whole gram to my face. I get seriously depressed the next day or shortly afterwards. I think the 40 or so days I made it before wasn't enough. It'll take a few months at least for my mind to get normalized. A few months is another 90 days, so hopefully on day 180 when I come on here, I am in a much better mental state. I need to be more aggressive with girls. I don't mean physical, but it seriously is just about who has the balls to go take what is theirs. My problem is i've felt like such a loser for so long. We'll not anymore. I am going to start listening to the intelligent part of me that knows what's best for me. The lazy piece of shit that wants to just smoke weed and masturbate can go fuck himself, pun intended.
     
  2. WanderingSoul

    WanderingSoul Member

    Day 107 of this journey- still haven't napped or smoked since my last post so i guess that's 18 day nofap again and 17 no weed. Started my law exams. I've been able to do decent considering I screwed up for a whole month and smoked weed and masturbated. I basically told my school councillor everything she's been really supportive. I've been feeling good lately, I tend to drift here when Im feeling down. Not really sure what to say i guess these posts are mainly for my future self, sort of talking to him. Maybe some day someone in a similar position to mine will see my posts and learn. I guess I'll just talk to future me, maybe it'll be cathartic.

    Hey man, first off, I hope you've been productive in the time since this post. You feel shit today, you didn't get much done, you didn't push your life forward. Happiness is not on your phone, twitter, snapchat. Happiness is not going to come from waiting for a text from that person. It's about you being mindful of what you are doing with your life, and literally doing it. It's okay to watch a youtube video or a movie or a show, but it should be within the context of your plan. So its a relaxing break, or an informative video, or its a date etc. If you have no plan for that day and are just mindlessly searching the internet, that's when you get depressed. Oh and by the way I love you. And in your own words, I'm a manifestation of the universe, so that means a part of the universe loves you, however small.

    Remember to be a leader of your own life. Do the things you want to do. Nobody cares what you are doing remember that. That's freeing. They may have their opinions when they come across what you are doing, but in the end they are focused on their journey like you are. When you see a girl you find attractive and want to talk to just do it. In terms of how many girls you've slept with, do you really give a shit about how many girls other guys have slept with? Do you really even care? So stop judging yourself by that. All that is, is manifestation of your deep down urge to be appealing to the opposite sex and so you've trained yourself to measure your value in that regard by counting your partners. It's bullshit. With women you just want someone to have fun with, fool around, play with their butt, and maybe even inspire each other. So even if you do hang out with Sab, forget the people she's been with, forget what else is going on in her life, it doesn't matter. That's all just your insecurity. Why does it matter what else is going on in their life when they are with you in that moment? just be together, have fun, let the chemistry do its thing and that's it. When it's over get back to your goals and if you want to see that person again, call them up and hang out again, that's it. Remember, you are fucking smart man. Don't listen to any bullshit people say to you. Just focus on being a great lawyer, and start researching and making videos on topics you want. Start jotting down ideas. Just do it. You didn't choose to be alive, you didn't choose this life, you we're just put here and it started happening. Which means you yourself are something greater than even you can understand. Okay? Now go get em pal.
     
  3. Mr Know It All

    Mr Know It All New Member

    Hey bro, read parts of your posts, just when I needed to. I too, suffer from a femdom fetish/addiction. Mine mainly came from an oppressive mom than sister, although my younger sister was very much present in my first puberty/arousal experience, where my foot fetish formed in a very strong way. So my primary addiction/fetish is femdom with a strong side of foot fetish.
     
  4. WanderingSoul

    WanderingSoul Member

    Hey man, well i can give you partial good news which is that I am not really aroused by the hardcore shit I was into before, it's significant weaker plus now the idea of me being in the dominant position is a lot more appealing. I never would've thought i could have an enjoyable fap to me being the dominant one. I am trying not to fap, but the few times I've given in lately have been no porn just mental fantasy and it;s me being the one on top. Still need to get out into the real world more but it's a start. I asked out a girl I met at pita pit which took a little courage. Right now my main focus is on building the life I want to live.
     
  5. WanderingSoul

    WanderingSoul Member

    Sometimes it just feels so hard. But I'm trying to think of the other times when i'm optimistic and positive. I didn't choose this life, I didn't choose to be here, this universe is more complex than I can possibly comprehend, therefore there's something bigger than me going on, i know it. I'm part of some story larger than myself, and it doesn't make sense now, but some day this suffering will make sense. Some day this pain will look beautiful when I am able to see it for what it really is. I love you, keep fighting man. Keep pushing. Keep moving. Trust yourself and trust the process.
     
  6. WanderingSoul

    WanderingSoul Member

    Day 0- It's a new day 0 though. I know absolutely this is all in my head now. Let's not forget the nerves to the penis are connected to spinal nuclei, meaning they are basically reflexive. So any PIED is your mind inhibiting you from having sex. Sex is so old and ancient, there's no thinking involved, it's basic.
     
  7. WanderingSoul

    WanderingSoul Member

    Reading through old posts, really needed to see this.
     
  8. WanderingSoul

    WanderingSoul Member

    Another new day 0. I'm just sick of wasting my life. I'm sick of doing nothing. I'm sick of watching too many videos, having no control over my mind, just maturbating and feeling sadness about my life, still being stuck on an old love because I can't move on with my sex life. I'm just done with it. I'm so fucking done. I swore on my grandfather's cross that he gave me before he died that i wouldn't smoke pot for all of 2018. That seems extreme but it needs to be done, I needed to show myself that i am serious. everytime I go on weed benders, I am miserable the next couple days. 2 days into the new year and now 2 days without pot, both we're miserable. Yet somehow I forget this and smoke again. I'm going to start doing the things I am meant to do, i am going to stop being a slave to my mind. Time to take control.
     
  9. Bauldr

    Bauldr Active Member

    You sound stuck my friend. Addiction is a learning disorder. In order to unlearn addiction and learn new paths we need to have a deep understanding of ourselves. This understanding can be achieved writing in specific ways.

    I know how bad it feels to swear on the death of a loved one only to fail, don't end up where you know you don't want to.

    I recommend these writing programs:

    https://understandmyself.com

    https://selfauthoring.com/

    Start with the understand myself personality test. Then do the Past Authoring program, then the future authoring and finally the present authoring.

    Yes it costs money. But it's the only thing that has helped me in 4 years of relapsing. You could spend the money on pot. Or you could spend that same money on a method of informing you how to write properly and in transforming your psyche through writing properly, you may never find yourself spending money on pot again.

    Take action.
     
  10. 1234dyl

    1234dyl Member


    YES

    I saw JP talking about this on h383 and I’m actually going to do both
     
  11. WanderingSoul

    WanderingSoul Member

    Day 0 Still stuck. Ugh new day 0 starting tomorrow. Im fucked man. Relapsed on pot and porn. I did jPs big 5 and i started the understadnmyself program, I was too lazy to get through it. But I've made those lists on my own, very extensive ones with specific goals its the same as the future authoring, they worked a lot. However recently I've just been giving into my fear. I realized I genuinely fear the real world. That's probably why I am into femdom. Like JP would say, I am unable to rise and slay tiamat, because I fear reality, I fear nature, I fear I can't perform. I need to beat this; if it we're ancient times they would think I was possessed by some demon. Perhaps deep down I don't think I'm good enough. Either way I am, I have had normal sex before, this is all in my head. I am too possessed by this affliction, I am acting like its part of who I am. Its just a nasty habit i got into that I need to rid, and quick. The clock is ticking on my youth, truth be told. No time like the present to start anew.
     
  12. WanderingSoul

    WanderingSoul Member

    Sorry Dante
     
  13. Bauldr

    Bauldr Active Member

    Reality is no joke my friend, I'm terrified, awe struck and overwhelmed by it most days. Be glad you're on the path of understanding and overcoming. Most are never going to have this painful opportunity of 'awakening', most will never even know that they fear reality, most will never create, most will never leave the comfort of their culture, their smartphone, porn, alcohol, drugs, collectives and social norms. Be happy you know there's more than mere base pleasure; that you know there's self-overcoming and more to it.

    Perhaps it would be useful to transfer your need of escape to something else? I recently purchased an Xbox, it's a great alternative to p for me when I feel the need to 'escape'. I use it conditionally however, I must have exercised and studied before gaming.

    Just like JP says, you don't need to become a dragon slayer overnight, you don't need to bear the suffering of the entire world from today - just start with what you can. Maybe that means setting up a P and MO schedule (Idea from a successful rebooter 'hogus').

    Start with a P and/or MO schedule. At least if you're dealing with cravings you can relax in the knowledge that you will allow yourself to PMO the following day. And stick to it, so if you say you're going to PMO on a certain date, actually do it even if you don't want to, you need to be able to trust yourself. This 'schedule' will give you the opportunity to set the foundations in place: setting up a proper routine you can stick to, having alternatives to P etc. Perhaps after a couple of weeks of 3x/week PMO sessions where you think to yourself "I hate forcing myself to do this, I'm now going to reduce this to 1x per week and my 3rd session will now be an hour of gaming/comedy/socializing".

    I know this isn't ideal and I'm not sure if I would personally do it but it was advice offered from a very intelligent, successful rebooter.

    Don't frame this endeavor as "if I can only leave it behind, get to x days". It's much better to simply frame it as "I'm letting this go, putting it down and walking onwards". There's no reason why you can't enjoy 11.5 clean months of this year.

    Following.
     
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  14. WanderingSoul

    WanderingSoul Member

    It's been 4 months and 8 days since i started this log and still, back to "day 1". A terrible weekend of masturbation and pot smoking. A total loser. Still, I need to believe that I can be my own saviour. Jan 21 9:45 I started my new tracker. Hopefully I can be with a woman soon and be an inspiration for others in my boat.
     
  15. CJJackson

    CJJackson Member

    Keep at it man. You went a hell of a long time without it. Whenever I get cravings I think about the pros and cons of watching it. Key for me so far has been to train my brain to think of porn as not an option
     
  16. Naruto558

    Naruto558 Member

    femdom is a type of anxiety disorder. it is a type of ocd disorder. Our obsessions about how we are losers and deserve humiliation from women. How we are at the bottom of the totem pole in life. You are completely normal and capable of having sex. There is nothing wrong with you other than you have conditioned yourself to get aroused by being a woman's slave. your performance anxiety is all in your head, you are completely normal and able to enjoy vanilla sex. Never think otherwise.
     
  17. Naruto558

    Naruto558 Member

    femdom is the biggest joke on this planet. Makes you feel trapped even when there is nothing to feel trapped about
     
  18. WanderingSoul

    WanderingSoul Member

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  19. 1234dyl

    1234dyl Member

    We all do things to escape life, hell even this forum is an escape (albeit an arguably safer one than weed in moderation).

    At least you realise your problem, you know you’re scared to face the world.

    You ever checked out Jordan Peterson? He has great advice for young guys
     
  20. WanderingSoul

    WanderingSoul Member

    Post 100- This will be my last time starting a "streak". I'm just going to go as long as I can and when I slip up I'll make sure its a one time thing and move on. I'll post here.
     
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2018 at 11:51 PM
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