22, Stopping the Descent into Darkness

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by deadofwinter, Apr 6, 2016.

  1. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY.

    Yay.
     
    deadofwinter likes this.
  2. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Member

    Just want to share some wisdom with you guys. I put it on the NoFap Reddit too, because I think it's so important.
    It came to me as a feeling first, then I turned into thoughts and before I knew it, it was a well-formed and consumable oneliner. Here it goes:

    'Being strong is a conscious decision"

    I used to fall into the trap of darkness and misery when something went wrong and/or when I was disappointed or just generally depressed.
    Well, I found out that being strong isn't something I am or am not, it's something I decide to be. A sort of mindset if you will.

    All of this is easier to do when I'm not a PMO'er, I've noticed.
    Anyway, the next time things get difficult (I am making a conscious effort to avoid the word 'hard' #nofap #nopun), try to decide to be strong and don't let it bring you down. My natural reaction to everything was to become a weak self-pitying forest creature, but that only made me feel worse and made things even harder (damnit!). It even paralyzed me from doing the right thing most of the times.

    Good luck, friends!
    - DoW
     
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2017
  3. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Member

    NOOOOOOOOOOOO I'M SLIPPING I ENDED UP WATCHING HYPNO SISSY PORN WTFFFF WHY

    also, the sun is out which is lovely. It's very warm outside so I took a walk.
    WHY DID I WATCH PORN AAAAAA

    I didn't orgasm, though, which is kind of a nice thought, makes me feel a little better :)

    I really don't understand this perverted fetish to ruin my life, I don't hate myself, why would I do this to myself? It's weird. It. is. weird. Also my ex-gf and I have been doing this roleplaying thing on whatsapp, that might not be very good for my rewiring/rebooting either. Ugh!

    I actually have a headache right now. Well, I'm just gonna go on and leave this behind me. There's no happiness in porn land, only a downwards spiral. (especially with the filth I ended up watching, thefuck.?)
     
  4. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    It's okay!

    I'm still proud of you, and you know exactly what to do from here, you don't need me to tell you (but just in case - don't binge!).
    You only have one instance of watching porn over the course of six weeks or whatever. And you didn't even O. So keep those good ratios up :)

    I hear you on the role-playing.
    I know that really I need to go for no-arousal as well as abstinence from porn, but it's tough! We'll find a way.

    Chin up DoW, and be kind to yourself.
     
  5. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Member

    Thanks so much 100DaysMission (há, changed your name?)

    I'll try not to binge. Had kind of a very rough sleepless night, though. I think I kind of screwed my brain over watching the stuff I did yesterday. I had images shooting through my mind like crazy. Yuck!
    Anyways, I told my ex-gf, no more arousing viaWhatsApp because it's frying my brain.

    We're gonna make it through, for sure!
     
    esa490 and 100DaysMission like this.
  6. esa490

    esa490 Member

    Hey Dow,

    How you doing? Its been a while. Anyways, I do not know why I am not getting alerts for your posts when I login. Just came in to say "Hi!" and see if everything's alright. Anyways, wishing you the best man.

    Sincerely,

    Emmanuel
     
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  7. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Member

    Hey! I'm actually okay, I think. I 'relapse' once a month and that's it. As long as I don't binge I'll be alright. I'm not counting my days, but as soon as I start to binge/watch PMO more, I'll start counting again. But I hope it won't be necessary.
    Thanks for your post, does this mean you're back on track too? I'll check out your journal asap!

    DoW
     
  8. esa490

    esa490 Member

    Hey Dow,

    Simply put, I am not OK, but I am working on it. Things are strange right now but I am starting to open my eyes again. Its incredible that you relapse only once a month, from masturbating so frequently, to counting days, to having it occur only every few weeks, amazing progress, in such a short amount of time. Anyways, I haven't really been keeping up with most people's journals, in fact, I just started getting back into mine. I will check in more often from now on though, I know now that these daily habits were what got me through trying times, and not doing these things is actually putting me back into those times. I wish you well man.

    Sincerely,

    Emmanuel
     
  9. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Hi DoW,

    How are you?

    I just wanted to check in.

    Also, your CD arrived!! Except it is at my family home, and I haven't been back yet to pick it up - though I am very excited too! (My mother says that the artwork is beautiful).

    Let us know how things are going mate :)
     
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  10. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Member

    Hey, thanks for checking in, I really appreciate it. I check this website every day to see how you guys are doing, but I don't always have something to say.
    I'm glad to hear the CD has arrived safely in your country!

    I'm actually very good. I'm not doing any semen retention these days, but I don't watch porn either. I don't feel like a super-human like on nofap, but I do feel like that when I'm recording (or at least I feel like a super-ghost or something).
    Not feeling like a superhuman all the time really motivates me to make more music and it's going really well and that makes me more than happy (like, it makes me feel meaningful instead of just good).
    The new album is getting very nice reviews on a lot of blogs and word is certainly going around in my country. Though, a lot of what people say on the internet is "why aren't more people listening to this?!" or "why aren't these guys touring the world!?". Someone even called me up to say that they couldn't handle it that not enough people know me. He said I really needed to send my music to bigger labels. I could try but I don't think that's going to help a lot. They have to find out about us, I don't think they even check their mail.
    It just takes time, I'll keep doing what I'm doing and try to be the best at it as I can! I really like the feeling that I'm building up this world or something, with art and albums and stuff. I'll try and make some more merch things because people have been asking me about that

    Anyway, that was my monthly rant on music. Damn, I REALLY don't have anything else in life! A strange realization indeed.
    Although... I do have family. I try not to take them for granted.

    One last note about nofap. I feel "real" somehow. When I didn't ejaculate, I felt amazing and confident, but I didn't feel real/me. Right now I'm just sometimes ejaculating in the shower (lol) without thinking it over or thinking about porn or whatever. I'm just a shy person and I think I'm accepting that. I don't have to be this big confident guy, I'm just me, it feels real.

    Thanks a lot for asking how things are going. I haven't had the chance/reason to write all these things down! It's good to see it in words.
    I'm curious to know how you're doing, although I do read your journal with every new post. I'll leave a comment before I go to sleep. Also curious about what you think of all this and I hope you like the cd when you get the chance to put it on. :)

    - DoW!
     
  11. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Ah man - I'm so glad you've found something that works for you, and that it doesn't involve porn.
    That is all you can ask for!
    You've done really, really good DoW.

    Keep it up, it'd be interesting to hear how you feel a couple of months down the line :)


    I have no advice of how to make it in music of course. I mainly just teach and play for all kinds of different purposes, but even so - I'd be struggling without doing a bit of part-time work in hospitality.
    Anyway, I think just keep learning, and getting better at what you do. So many people try to do it on the side as they get older, but you can't put the hours in and all the people who didn't give up end up racing ahead of you.

    But really happy that the album is causing a ripple in your own country - I'm sure it deserves to!

    Have a great weekend, buddy.
     
  12. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Member

    Doing NoFap again, on day 8 right now.

    I started to become quite depressed and down so once again I came to the conclusion that fapping (and the occasional porn) wasn't helping my existence. I've had so many different (and contradicting) conclusions in my life, it's bizarre. Then again, things are temporary, and so it's actually quite logical that the way you live life keeps changing too. Whatever my conclusion is at the time, I try to do it with all my heart and passion!

    Yesterday night was really really hard, I woke up at 2 AM and I was really really hard and I wanted release like there was no tomorrow. Like, it was the annoying kind of horniness (also known as porniness), the feeling that you just want to orgasm. It's different from sexual energy. I recognized this and so I didn't go into the other room to get my phone or laptop to watch porn. I just stayed in my bed. I did sort of touch my D sometimes but I didn't orgasm, although a little drop of semen did leave my body on accident, I am wishing him all the best on his journey. I hope that next time I can send a drop into a girl, it's much nicer there for drops of semen to live in.

    Annnyway, I guess I will update this journal more often again.
    In July I become 24, I feel scared and depressed about how fast things go and how I get only one shot at life. Why am I not backpacking on a train through some beautiful country? Do I even want that? I don't KNOW :(

    - DoW
     
  13. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Member

    I feel so bad!
     
  14. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Member

    I feel okay again, damn, yesterday was horrible. I went to a friend and it was nice and then I felt nice afterwards. Gotta remember that isolating myself isn't really helpful.
     
  15. letscallmebob

    letscallmebob New Member

    Bro I can understand femdom is so addictive I don't even get hard by normal porn I am 24 got addicted to that shit when I was 14, it is so bad that I find myself seeking out these money hungry dominatrix online,dude if you find something that works please post I am on my day 4 nofap but it's tough
     
  16. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Member

    I've got it quite under control these days. Things that worked for me:
    1. Stop believing that you're completely addicted to femdom (with femdom, the addiction becomes part of the fetish. being addicted to it is arousing etc.. It's a vicious circle) Instead, admit that you like those videos a lot but that they are not good for you. Don't put femdom on a pedestal, ultimately, YOU are the one in control.

    2. Realize that those girls in the videos and stuff are acting. Also, they don't know you, they are talking into a camera. It makes them a lot less powerful if you picture them talking into a camera all alone in their room. Make the scene really pathetic (because it is) in your mind. An empty ugly room and they're just there talking into the camera to no one. They are the losers, really. They're also probably kind of insecure in real life. They don't want to ruin you, or control you, they don't know you. It's like a mirror with one transparent side. They are talking to themselves and you're on the other side looking at it, thinking they are talking to you, but they're not, not at all.

    3. The moment you start to have arousing thoughts about femdom or porn or whatever (even though you like the little feeling in your stomach) stop immediately and start thinking about something else. Pizza or something, or a really awesome moment with a good friend you had one day. Don't follow the arousing thoughts because it becomes harder and harder to get rid of them when you do!

    4. Many people feel like they screwed up when they relapsed and so they give in and start binging. That is the worst thing you can do. Instead, if you relapse, don't go back to "day 0" just stay on the day you were, and if you don't relapse again for three days, you can just count on from where you were. This really really helps. You'll feel better after three days and soon it'll be as if nothing happened. Psychologically this is the smart thing to do when you relapse. (better yet, don't relapse)

    Good luck man, let's keep each other noted!
     
    100DaysMission likes this.
  17. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Sorry you've been so up and down lately dude - I haven't even checked the forum for a week or so.

    I hope things plateau for you soon, if you want that!

    How are things now? Has the existential crisis passed:)
     
  18. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Member

    Ha @100DaysMission , glad to see you here! I'm doing better. The existential isn't that bad atm. I'm just keeping busy. No more fapping though, it wasn't making me as happy as I thought it was. (and of course no P)

    Gonna check your journal now I think you posted something there too
     
  19. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Good to hear DoW!
    I'm looking forward to coming on this forum a bit more often, and reading what you have to write too:)

    I think it's also been pretty much a year for both of us now too, maybe a little longer. Though we have both made progress, for sure.
    So congrats to us :)
     
  20. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Member

    I'm still in! My downs are quite low when they hit these days. But such is the artist's life, I guess. Gotta keep working working working.

    There is one thing I've noticed, and if I can fix it, it'd improve my life immensely. Starting something can be a real threshold, a huge threshold. I wanted to start filming for a video clip for a while and I just didn't. Somehow it feels like I didn't want to. Today I just started though and immediately, I felt great and was working hard and time flew by. This has been happening for so long but it happens over and over. WHY WON'T I LEARN?! Every time the threshold feels so real even though I know it'll be gone as soon as I start working. it's weird. the only way to fix it is just to start I guess.

    Day 9 or smth. I do want to watch fdom porn like there's nothing else in the world. But I won't. BECAUSE I AM AWESSOMMMEE. (ok, that was my daily self-love training. check!)
    Good luck guys!
     

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