20 Years of Severe Addiction - Body Broke Down, Brain Cracked

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Newwaynewlife, Feb 2, 2017.

  1. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife New Member

    I had amazing sexual experiences, girlys used to do anything for me many times. I´ve had been together with around 15 girls I´ve had anal with 5-6 of them, I gave facial cumshot to 3, one gave me a blowjob at 8 in the morning in a park where people were passing by, I had anal sex with a beautiful African girl in an elevator, and so on. However now I´m functionally impotent. If I can get it up, I cum in 5 secs. My erections are 40%. I wrecked up my vision (I have eye floaters due to the dopamine level changes), my ears are buzzing and I became a bit deaf, my memory is fucked up, my penis and my balls are tiny as a baby´s, my ass and dick is constantly itching, I´ve seminal leakage, I have lower back pain and penis pain, PE and ED (basically no erection stronger than 40%), chronic fatigue and sleeping disorders. My life is completely fucked up, even though I´ve always had girlfriends. I spend my time and energy to look up exercises and herbs to regain my masculinity, so now finally I started this blog. It´s gonna be a really long journey; let me tell you about my past:


    I´m 29 and started to watch porn around 12, however I was hooked to masturbation even much earlier. I think my first erection might have been at the age of 5, and as soon as I took notice of my boner, I started to play with my dick. When I started my bad habit, I started to rub my dick to the bedsheet before falling asleep, and came after a couple of seconds. I always went for quick satisfaction and gratification.
    As I considered my dick pretty small (it is somewhat under the average, but it´s quite small when flaccid), I was pretty sure that I would never have a girlfriend. Consequently, I lived in my imaginations with everyone (classmates, teachers, classmates´moms...). So by the time of like 14 I´d already used MO for being able to fall asleep and to escape my anxiety. As I considered myself a small-dicked guy, I´ve always felt inferior to others, someone who hasn´t got the same rights to have a chick he likes. At the same time, of course, I became really shy: I was afraid of showing my emotions just as I was scared to show my body to others.
    When I was 14 I started to drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes and weed. I was 15 when I started to go out with my first girlfriend (RH). She´s three and a half years older than me, and we´re together for over 5 years. She was a really cool, smart, sexy, femminine... Actually sex was pretty good with her (oral, anal...), she had nice big tits and ass, but I kept on wanking off to porn and to other girls. She could have satisfied me, but I couldn´t feel satisfied because I hated my body. I felt that I couldn´t satisfy her, which was partly true, cause I´m not big and I always came pretty early (thanks to porn and that I wired my brain to cum early), but I was amaying in oral, in caressing, and she really loved me.

    So we were together for years, I wasn´t brave enough to break up, but not even to cheat on her (in spite of several offers), cause I was scared that someone would know that I have a small prick. During these years (between 15 and 20) I developed a really serious level of porn addiction. I guess that sometimes I had more than a dozen of PMOs a day. I think the normal was somewhere between 5 and 10. Many times when I woke up, I rubbed it to the bedsheet; a couple of seconds, and done. Coming back from school: first thing is turning on the PC and start to consume my daily dosage. Of course, whole afternoons, whole nights. I didn´t have many hobbies as I was timid ("if I start, I will fail and everyone will make fun of me" <--- the same shy attitude), I played music till the age of 12, and I could´ve take up anything, languages, art... but I didn´t. I didn´t do any sports, which helped me to fuck up even more my HGH and testosterone production. (to tell the truth if I shave my thin and sparse beard, I look like a 20 year old guy. Due to the overmasturbation I didn´t produce enough HGH, so I´m like I was 10 years younger) Beating out, drinking and smoking with my buddies and being with my gf. That was my life.

    After secondary school first I went to a collage I really didn´t like, and when I was 20 I changed. Here I met a no really beautiful and nothing-special girl (UG) who fell in love with me. And somehow me too... We broke up with RH and I started to date this other girl. We had sex, she was really loose, she had no experience (no blowjobs, bc she was afraid that she wouldn´t do it well) and I didn´t have high libido bc I didn´t like her, so none of us really enjoyed it. In the subsequent 3 years I was playing with their emotions and I didn´t really realize that I was a narcistic egoist dickhead. I was together with one of them, than breakup, together with the other, back and forth, two girls at the same time... It was horrible.

    At the end of the College RH finally got a new bf (at the beginning of the relationship she cheated him with me), and we broke up with UG finally (it was easier, bc we didn´t go to the same school anymore). When I thought that finally I will be free, my relationship dependency pulled me back. One of my best friends (SX) told me that she fell in love with me. I couldn´t say no bc I didn´t want to lose her as a friend, so we started a relationship. Actually most of my friends and my brother was against this relationship, so we locked ourselves up: we were friends, we had really good sex (actually she was full of sexual power) and we used drugs. What else did we need? Well, needless to say that I wasn´t happy. I started synthetic (and other) drugs when I was 20-21 (what I have tried so far, many times: cigarette, alcohol, weed, hash, laughing gas, mushroom, mdma, ecstasy, lsd, 2cb, speed, cocaine, ketamine, xanax once, tramadol a couple of times), and sometimes I abused them as well. Sometimes I worked on amphetamine or on mdma, I was a daily smoker between 20 and 27, now it´s still a problem, and before the age of 20 it was, as well.

    OK, back to my sexual problems: I was together with SX for 2 years and my main health problems began that time. It started with prostatitis-like symptoms, lower pain, urinary problems, ED. (in fact the symptoms started before, I just didn´t want to notice them. By that time I´d already had bruises in my anus, on my scrotum and even on my dick. It was itching, it looked like a bacterial or fungual infection. I still don´t know what it is. Obviously I´d already had incipient ED problems and PE as well, as I mentioned, but at that moment it wasn´t concerning. Penis and testicle shrinkage was a pretty serious problem as well due to excessive masturbation; as a matter of fact it wasn´t shrinkage, but they didn´t even had the opportunity to grow. (my length was 5,5-5,7", but my girth was only around 4,3 when I had erections. Now I cannot even measure it.) But then I didn´t know the connection between my and my abusive behaviour.) So I started to go to urologists who didn´t find anything, so I started a special sort of Kegel exercise. This was when I was 25-26.

    So I came to realise that my problems are due to porn overuse and excessive masturbation. But by that time I´d already had been using it for over 10 years, plus another 6-7 years of excessive masturbation, so I couldn´t stop. I reduced the level to 1-2 daily, but that was still too much. Sometimes I could skip 2-3 days, but then I relapsed. After a while I discovered OpenDNS (god bless its inventor), so I watched porn 4-5 times in total in the past 6 months (when I wasn´t at home). however, I have to completely stop MO as well, bc I feel pain after ejaculation. I keep track of MOs since the 3rd of November:

    3/11, 2/12, 4/12, 16/12, 19/12, 24/12, 26/12, 27/12, 31/12, 1,/1, 2/1, 3/1, 9/1, 19/1, 22/1,
    7/2, 9/2, (10/2), 18/3

    As you can see I wasn´t at home in the Christmas break...

    So now I´m at day 11. I´m taking vitamins and I orderes a couple of months ago many adaptogens and herbs, but they were really cheap, so probaqbly they didn´t really do much (Fo Ti, Passionflower, Griffona, Astragalus Membrancenus, Cistanche, Fructus Cnidii, Dodder seed, Oyster...). I ordered a box of Ashwagandha and I still have some leftover from the previous herbs. I´ll keep track here how my abstinence goes, how I build and destroy my body and my mind. Just to say, as I´ve always had, now I have gf as well, but we have no sexual relationship. She has aöways had problems with her appearance and I´m unable to have sex. Obviously she knows nothing about my porn addiction, only about my weird health issue and that I have to do Kegel exercises every day.

    Yes, this story is extreeeemely long, just as my long-standing addiction. It´s gonna be at least a 3-4 years long journey to overcome it, and hopefully I won´t fuck up this time. If anyone has any observations, please let me know, and if you have questions about Kegel or herbs/adaptogens, feel free to ask, I might know something that you don´t. LEt´s do it together, we´re not alone!
     
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2017
  2. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife New Member

    Day 11.
    Yesterday I smoked 5 cigarettes, I had some weed, but really tiny.
    I did a short Kegel in the morning (6-7 mins) and a long one in the evening (15-20 mins)
    I slept 5-6 hours.
    I took 40 microgram vitamin D,25 mg Zinc, 2*500 mg Griffonia 10:1, 2 fish oil capsules, Goyi berries, Ashwagandha (500 mg Withania somnifera, 25 mg Whitanoloides)
    I did no sports
    I didn´t learn anything new.

    My dick is still small and ugly (I overused it, so it´s somewhat deformed and there are small scars on it) No big cravings, however if I close my eyes I immediately start with sexual fantasies. It has been like this for 20-25 years, almost every fucking time I close my eyes. I urgently have to start meditation.
    I have to cuddle more with my gf, bc allegedly oxitocine helps us to regain our power, but I´mreally tired when we go to bed, and I prefer sleeping :(


    I evolved to a really bad person due to my anxiety, lack of help (I mean I didnt apply for therapists, because it wasn´t considered cool in my family and in the society I lived in). I even hit my gf (RH) 7-8 years ago when I had a complete brainfuck. I started to do therapy around 3 years ago, most of them were useless, but I´ve been doing one for a year which helps me a lot. I´m not that narcistic egoist guy anymore. But I wanna undo the past, especially with Redhead. She has a baby now, and we haven´t spoken for 5 years. She´s on my mind every day, and I suppose she never thinks about me. I will have to speak to her somehow, but I guess she just doesn´t give a fuck about me.
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2017
  3. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife New Member

    Day 12
    Yesterday I wasn´t a really healthy day, but at least I did some sports. I convinced GF to go out with a friend for a burger and some drinks. It wasn´t really exciting as they met for the first time so I heard several stories for the second time, moreover they have the same point of view in many things. They´re kindda modernist, they think about this world as a system that is working more or less well, they really don´t wanna think out of the box. Let´s say conventionalist and consumerist guys. Obviously this is a quite big excuse, but partly this boredom/anger made me drink and smoke.
    Concerning my MO: complete flatline, I can´t even reach 10% erection, but it´s totally fine. No cravings, but a sensation when you have to pee, but you don´t. Probably the painful part is coming now.
    Regarding the pain: I had a hernia operation when I was around 20. MY left ball was always bigger than the right one, but its texture was different, too. However, as it´s a common knowledge that one ball is bigger than the other, I accepted it as it was. Once I went to the doctor bc I was pretty sure that I had testicle cancer, and he told me that I didn´t have cancer, but a fucking huge hernia. They told me after the operation that it was so warped by nerves and muscles that I had had hernia for long years, maybe since I had been born. I will never figure it out, but I might have developed hernia with my excessive habits... Anyways, I had this operation, I didn´t really stop masturbating, and maybe bc of this, maybe not, but the from the scar till the top of my ball it´s still painful and sensitive. Moreover, as many of us, I developed varicolele (varicose veins next to my left ball). So actually I have been living with constant pain for years, I know that it´s due to masturbation, but instead of giving up this bad habit, I got used to the pain.

    When I was a kid it was hard to imagine that how people survive concentration camps or when they´re kidnapped and restrained for years. I mean I know that we have this survival instinct, but above a certain threshold you feel that you just don´t wanna take it anymore. IT just hurts too much, and you get nothing in turn. The key for the answer is not only the survival instinct. You get used to the shit. I´ve lived like this for at least 4 years, but broadly speaking for 10 years. And I didn´t quit even though I knew that I fucked up my life because of the pleasure I had got used to and I couldn´t get from any other sources.

    Actually this is the definition of addiction: you keep on doing it despite the adverse phisical, phychological and social consequences. But you cannot change your behavior as long as you don´t learn how to connect to people on a healthy way. Not networking, not as a fair-weather friend, not posing or showing more than what you are. Deep conversations about emotional topics, intellectual topics, books, sensations, experiences, thoughts. Yourself. Not small talks, no bullshit, YOU. Honesty, empathy, deep thoughts,

    So yesterday:
    40 mins workout (arms)
    learning 1 page of english words and terms
    2 short Kegels (2*6-7 mins)
    40 microgram vitamin D, 60 mg Magnesium, 2*500 mg Griffonia 10:1, 2 fish oil capsules, Goyi berries, Ashwagandha (500 mg Withania somnifera, 25 mg Whitanoloides)
    5-6 hours of sleep
    2 gintonics
    2 spliffs
    15-20 cigarettes
     
  4. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife New Member

    Day 15
    Two weeks accomplished :)
    Busy weekend, flew back home for therapy.
    Friday: around 5 beers and a spliff, 10-15 cigarettes. Normal amount of vitamins (D, Mg, fishoil, Aswagandha and I guess some Cistanche). One short Kegel (6-7mins) in the morning
    Accompanied a new friend to her first shift in a bar. Gf psyched out without much sense. She´s at home without doing anything and I go out with people she doesn´t know but already hates.
    I think my penis started to grow a bit, but still thin, stiff and "dry"...

    Saturday: No Kegel, vitamins, 5-6 glasses of wine, 15-20 cigarettes. Meeting a couple of friends back home.
    I did some edging (it´s ridiculous calling it edging, it takes 5-10 seconds to reach orgasm). IUnfortunately some precum came out and it provoked a small pubic pain and my dick shrank again.

    Sunday: Went to gym (40-50 mins chest, some back and some quadriceps). On the airport I saw the hottest girl I´ve ever seen. We smiled at eachother while waiting for the plane. After landing we smoked a cigarette and went back to the city together. She´s from Morocco and came from vacation from my country; I´m from my country and going with gf to vacation to Morocco :) Moreover her bday is one week earlier (but 4 years later) than mine. We had a normal small talk, but my hand (due to the bag :) ) was constantly on her thigh. I saw on facebook that she doesn´t like relationships and probably a big heartbreaker, or her heart was broke recently and this is why she behaves. I didn´t tell her anything about gf and just texted her. I don´t know what´s gonna happen, but she seems really nice: although our taste of music is quite different, she works in the social sector and she loves languages. And partying as well. I guess would have the opportunity to score if I didn´t have a completely limp dick.

    So in the last 2 years I used Cialis, which is one of the strongest ED drugs. Its onset is a couple of minutes and it takes for a day. It was working for me perfectly but then not anymore. I don´t know that it´s tolerance, it expired or it´s because I was PMOing even during that period while I was using these pills. Now I´m waiting, but if I get the chance to meet her, I will pop at least one. I know that I shouldn´t meet her, but the affection is so strong, and she´s so much better looking and cooler than I am, that I must leap the opportunity. (she hasn´t answered yet :( )

    I still have imaginations as soon as I close my eyes. It would be much easier if gf were interested in meditation. But she doesn´t give a fuck abnout anything I am interested in. Actually she´s setting back my healing process in everything but I´m afraid of breaking up bc I fear that I´ll never have a gf. Nonetheless, I don´t have either a profound emotional bond, nor any sexual attraction. It just makes no fucking sense, but my relationship dependency is still strong. It might bne difficult to accept that she´s with someone else, she´s much happier with him than with me... So it´s just my fucking EGO what fuck up my health state and my gfs life. I´m still not a good person, but at least I´m becoming one and trying to help my gf´s life in other areas.
     
  5. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife New Member

    Day 0.
    3 days ago I came down with flu and it led to two (!) relapses. One on day 16 and one on day 2 (18). Now I'm pretty desperate. I really have to start with meditation, bc my brain is always on fantasies with girls I was with or I could have easily been with... or I want to be with... Sad. My self-discipline and my willpower don't really exist, but it's not an excuse. I'm almost 29, it's high time to build them up. My problem is that I1ve fucked up so many things in my life that I don't know what to start with. But probably willpower is essential to start the change. So from tomorrow:
    - 10 minutes of meditation
    - I will correct my posture every time I catch myself slouching
    - I will use my left hand to the most things possible (I already started washing my teeth with it a couple of weeks ago as I read that it boosts changes in neuroplasticity)
    - keep track of my spendings
    - use my handgrip at least once a day
    +1: write here every day!!!


    Otherwise my vitamin diet was a bit disregarded in the last 2-3 days, today I took 3 times Cistanche tubolosa, Zinc, vitamin D, fish oil, Ashwagandha. No sport (okay, I couldn't really move any parts of my body and couldn't breathe). 16-17 mins Kegel today and yesterday.

    I had a quarrell with gf, she was mostly right. This means that she becomes a passive agressor and doesn't speak to me until I force her to do so. On the one hand it's pretty immature, on the other hand I can completely understand it. I didn't listen to her fears/doubts in an empatic way, I didn't consider her problems real. I will really focus on it because it is a vital issue for me.

    I should start to get in touch with the other users of YBRB, otherwise I'll always be a loner in my own blog :) Actually I thought that it would be sort of enough bc once I start a blog it will provide me a support in not relapsing...well, I failed. so probably the therapic part of blogging is to share your experiences with others. To suffer together, to lean on eachother. Once I was in an SLAA meeting, and I felt that it could help that I don't feel totally alone with my wanker lifestyle, with my 29-yo impotent self, but the whole atmosphere was quite weird for me. I respect religion if it's faaaar from the church (transpersonal psychology for example), and it wasn't related to any church, but still, I felt the same lack of critical thinking as in most of the religions. However in this forum I can get the experience of "togetherness" without being in an alien religious-ish community.

    OK, it's enough for today, I still coughing as a seal, so go to bed. tomorrow is a new first day, let's make 90 days this time!
     
  6. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife New Member

    Day 0
    this morning the worst thing ever happened to me, but actually it's something between funny and ridiculous: my first wet dream in my 29 year-long life :D I was rubbing the pussy of a french girl I was with like 2 years ago. I felt something, I was slumbering or not deeply sleeping at least and I couldn't decid whether I was ejaculated or peeing. I didn't know what would have been worse... I didn't have orgasm, but it was pleasant. The psychiological effects are the same as with MO (itching skin and ass, shrunk dick, sensation of weak muscles and pain in the pubic area, ) so I set back the timer, but luckily just from 1 day to zero. I was expecting that it would come but not on the first day! Anyways.
    Today 16-17 minutes Kegel, vitamins (Zinc, D, Cistanche, Ashwagandha, Fish oil), I gave massage to my gf. 1 cigarette, 1 spliff with my bro (he's here for the weekend).
    I didn't meditate (!)but I downloaded an app for my spendings, used my handgrip, my left hand to make salad (it was fun :D) and I'm correcting my posture (right now as well :)

    Poco a poco
     
  7. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife New Member

    Day 2

    Yesterday I had cravings in the morning. When I have, I always start to play with myself in the bed which is really dangerous. On the one hand, if I arouse myself to a certain extent, I won´t be able to fall asleep again, but I´ll keep on edging. On the other hand, even when I don´t reach O, I hurt myself. After edging I always feel the same pain in my pubic muscles and my dick shrinks. So I didn´t get off yesterday, but didn´t stay completely clean either.

    My flu is almost over and my bro lef as well, so I have no more excuses to pay attention to my body and health. Today I´m gonna go to the gym and try the first meditation video I have (it from SX, one of my exes who got a nervous breakdown after we had broken up, and tried to start a much more self-conscious life (but in the end she´s following a "spiritual leader", who hasn´t much clue about life, but anyways. She enjoys it)
    Yesterday I didn´t really take vitamins, but a glass of wine, a spliff and like 8-10 cigarettes. On Saturday I took vitamins, but at least 6 glasses of wine, 4-5 joints and 20 cigarettes.

    I have constant remorse about my first GF. She´s extremely happy in my imagination, she just gave birth d oa child and she probably has a loving husband. I haven´t spoken to her for 4 years. I hit her around 8 years ago. After that we were together, after the 4-5th breakup we still spoke to eachother. But after a while not. We had our last talk when she found her husband. Since then just a happy birthday greeting on favebook. 2-3 years ago I tried to meet her but she didn´t tell me NO, FUCKER, but didn´t meet me either. Just found excuses in the last moments.
    I really wanna do something with her in my soul. In my mind. In my life. I would absolutely understand that she doesn´t want to be friend or anything, but I must speak to her somehow. Probably only in April when I go back to my homecountry. But I have to prepare wit heverything I want to tell her. Hopefully she will say yes.
    Actually she has been my best fit so far, but at that time (15-20) I really didn´t realize it. I was seeking differences and telling no for everything. Not only bc she was my gf, I did it with everything in life. But Mr. Arrogancy had nothing in his life, he was just wanking ogg 10 times a day. In hindsight, it´s really sad. And I left her for a noname, ugly gf, and we broke up like 3 times and I was lying to her that I loved her, but I just loved fucking her ass, I loved her big tits and that she loved sucking my dick. And I hit her. I behaved like a real asshole. A disgusting egoist prick wothout emotions. And nobody knows it amongst my friends. At least not from me.
     
  8. MWatson90

    MWatson90 Member

    Dude I gotta say, its good you recognize you have an issue and are actively working on it. NoFap is really fucking hard, I know since I've had probably 30+ attempts in 3 years.

    One thing I notice it seems like you have extremely low self esteem, and porn has affected your expectations. You sound like you have body image issues and your first relationship really messed you up in a bad way. You might want to look into some cognitive behavioural therapy to help you with these problems, as they will probably be a significant source of stress for you and a modified stress response is observed in addiction that will make it harder for you to stop.


    Good luck,


    M.
     
  9. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife New Member

    Hey Matt,

    thank you very much for your comment. My first "guest comment" produced a liberating sensation, or maybe it's not the best fitting word here; I felt that I'm not alone with my deep shit... You're completely right, my body image is truly fucked up, this is why I finally started to go to gym (today I was there again after my sickness, and unfortunately I realized that I might have incipient glaucoma bc of the overmasturbation: http://www.herballove.com/guide/blurred-vision-eye-floaters-caused-over-masturbation), and my first relationship was way too long, but I was scared to quit it because I felt that I'd never find anybody else bc of my body. So I didn't really consider quitting from my relationship, but it escalated to really repressed emotions, eventually agression. And I still haven't processed what I did.
    I have tried one-o-one therapists twice but I didn't feel much progress with any of them. They listened to me, none of them did really get my point, and I didn't feel that those 6-7 months (twice) influenced my life much. Now I'm doing another type of therapy, it's a group one (it's called psychodrama and it's perfect to enhance empathy and other important qualities), but all the other members are women, so I haven't been able to speak about my main problems so far. In April I'll go back to my home country and I'll restart SLAA group (like anonym sex addicts), I was once before I moved to my current country. Moreover, I'll try to go to a psychologist, too, hopefully this time it'll be more productive.
    Thank you again for reading my story and reacting to it.

    Day 3
    3 km of running and weightlifting (especially for my shoulders)
    16 min Kegel in the morning (maybe a short one now, bc yesterday I didn't do any)
    Zync, vitamin D, Ashwagandha, Cistanche (yesterday I skipped it bc I crashed out), fish oil
    6 cigarettes, no booze, no weed
    learning some English words
     
  10. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife New Member

    Day 6 (somewhere I f*cked up the counter, but my last ejaculation was on the 10th)

    Yesterday no Kegel, no gym. Now I could only run as weightlifting is gdangerous for my eyes. I have to go to an eye doctor to check if I have glaucoma, because when I lift weights, my vision goeas completely blurred for minutes. Probably the pressure is too high behind my eye balls, and there´s no doubt about the reason. The only problem is that the doctor won´t see anything and I´m totally unable to speak to her/him about my excessive masturbatory habits. Hopefully they can measure the pressure or something...
    A friend of my came back to the city yesterday, we drank a bottle of wine (and I drank one glass more) and smoked a spliff. In turn we went to cinema with him and gf and the movie was really good.
    So my biggest problem is that I cannot ask for help, I cannot share my problem with anyone. Not even with my brother who is one of my best friends, if not my best friend. I don´t know how to overcome this embarassement. This is gonna be the first issue I want to overcome with my psychologist once I start frequent her.

    My second biggest problem is the sensation that I haven´t done anything in my life. I don´t know whether my social anxiety and lack of self-esteem comes from porn use or I was born with it. Obviously, porn worsens these feelings, but in my early memories I was always a withdrawn child, even when I was 4 or 5. On the one hand, these of my characteristics inhibited me to take up cool hobbies (painting, sports, music, languages), because I never felt that I would be able to excel. On the other hand I´ve always felt sort of loser, I have never been one of the cool guys in my mind even when I actually was.
    Later on I didn´t do anything special because I spent my energy on porn an on relationships, and the sad thing is that I didn´t even consider it as a problem. I saw people around me who had bands, who just decided to paint something cool or go to hiking or whatever. And I was always criticising them and staying in my wanker comfort zone. Instant gratification, but total grief at the same time.

    I am fucking fed up with it. I´m 29 in 2 days, and I feel that I haven´t had a youth that´s worth look back at. I´ve lived in two really cool cities (apart from my hometown), but I didn´t live these places, I just survived there and here. Didn´t visit even the 1% of the place I should have visited, and don´t even speak that well these languages as I don´t socialize. Anxiety makes me quiet and reserved, so you don´t practice speaking, so you don´t learn the language.
    I always have a tomorrow when I start it (for example a week ago this meditation stuff -- I still haven´t spent a second with it). For me doing stuff, even ordering some herbs from ebay is a life-long project. I have no motivation, no determination and strength to persist with new things. Furthermore, now I have so many health issues that I don´t even know where to start.I want to work out to boost my HGH, but my eyes don´t let me do so. I wanna learn new things that I didn´t do during my school years, but my choline level is so low that I don´t even remember where I put my keys. I have to spend a lot of time with Kegels, and also with my relationship dependency: if I didn´t have a gf, I would have much more time to cure myself. But I´m afriad, too. And it´s not comfortable at all. But with a "broken bat" I cannot imagine that I´ll ever have sex with someone, so it´s better to stay with my gf (who I don´t have sex with anyways)

    All in all, nothing will happen if I don´t change myself, neither my remorse that I behaved as a repellent asshole with RH, nor my impotency will fade away if I don´t work on these things somehow. I won´t be able to get back my teenager years, neither my 20s, but I can make a much better life.
    Stop making excuses! You hold back yourself, nobody else! Start to enjoy your life, and stop regretting yourself! There´s no more tomorrows. There´s a world beyond your comfort zone.
     
  11. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife New Member

    DAY 23

    It's been a long time since I wrote here. Last week we went to vacations with GF, it was amazing. With her we have no sex, as I've already mentioned, she's not a sexual person, moreover she's thyroid gland underactivity which lowers her arousal. So after going to bed she could easily fell asleep, and I started to fantasize with gals, started to touch myself, and then I couldn't sleep. So on my vacation where I was supposed to relax, I slept 3-4 hours a day.
    So I turned 29 with 9 days of abstinence. That's quite embarrassing since I started my first trials of MO free life 8-10 months ago. However, I reached 23 days. To be honest, with cheating a bit. Yesterday I started to look up boobs and asses on instagram until I reached some real porn clips there (any other type of porn is blocked on my wifi). So I started to do jelqing, ok, it wasan excuse, it was more like somewhere in between jerquing off and jelqing and always stopped when I was reaching the PONR. It means more or less 15-20 seconds. After a while I reached the point and I started to ejaculate, but luckily it was really little so I decided not to set back my counter. Nevertheless, I uninstalled insta from my phone. Today I started to masturbate again to a friend who has enormous boobs, was doing edging with better results, but maybe I would have fucked up again if a friend hadn't called me... I didn't come, but my pubic area (probably a variocele, aka a varicous vein comin from my left testicle) started to hurt as fuck (it's not the first time), so I couldn't go to the gym. instead I did my first mediatation session.
    My main problem is with fantasizing. I think that in the last 25 years I always started to fantasize about women before I fell asleep, about having a huge cock and fucking everyone around I like. So today I did some mediatation (only 10 minutes of sympathetic breathing), hopefully this will help. Actually I should do longer sessions.
    All in all, I feel that I'm doing more or less fine. I have big missions to carry out. I have to stop edging for a while because I feel that even precumming starts poisonous reactions in my brain. Moreover, I'm sure that overcoming PE is possible only by eliminating "brain-porn" from your mind.
    On my birthday I took an extasy which is pretty damaging regarding my penis size and erection quality. Furthermore, I usually don't feel much as my serotonin and dopamine receptors are fucked. By accident (it was sooo embarassing) I took the ketamine I had bought for my bithday and I thought I'd lost on my birthday parts with myself to the vacation. Yepp, I travelled with two planes to another continent, and I had almost a gram of ketamine in my pocket. Well done! So of yourse, I couldn't help sniffing some of it even though I didn't really like the effect. Now I decided that at least for 6 months I won't take anything else than alcohol, nicotine and weed/hash. Step by step I must give them up, too, especially smoking, but for now I started to count.
    I ordered a lot og nootropic drugs and others that can help regain my dopamine, serotonin and NO levels, so get normal erections finally, but till I'm so unstable it makes no sense to start taking it. I've been taking Aswagandha now for over a month (20 days one pill a day, 20 days 2 pills, and maybe for the last 20 days 3). Apart from that zinc, magnesium, vitamine D and fish oil. And the rest of my previous order (dodder seeds, fo ti and griffonia, but I guess those were too cheap to contain a huge amount og active substance).
    I have a lot of stressful factors in my life otherwise, these should be solved but my anxiety and unability to deal with problems inhibits me in everything. Today I have to write a document in Spanish and tomorrow I should call up someone. So let's get started! If I reduce stress from other areas of my life, I'll be more balanced in my struggle against PE, penis shrinkage, pains, social anxiety and so on.
     
  12. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife New Member

    DAY 32

    One month is over, but several situations seriously close to relapse.
    I´m working now and my brain just felt that I need some pics. I checked some kinky rimjob/anal pics, but didn´t really feel the andrenalin rush. Probably from video I would, but only animgifs can´t reach that treshold... Yes, actually there´re two reasonings, one is that I´m healing and it doesn´t arouse me that much or my tolerance is too high to detect it as a turn-on. I would vote for the first one.
    I had a pseudo-relapse 2-3 days ago, I was playing with myself and almost came, but I could retain it almost entirely. But it wasn´t enough, my body's reaction was the same as before: cramped pain in my varicocele and penis shrinkage.

    Otherwise taking Ashwagandha and vitamins, working out like twice a week. Reading something about neuroplasticity. I´m going back to my home country for around 20 weeks and I really believe that I´ll do that greatest part of my recovery there. I´m going to an acupuncture specialist, hopefully to a psychologist and to an SLAA group. I´ll work only 4 hours from home so I´ll be able to do sports, Kegel and meditation 5 times a week. I´ll prepare to University as I was accepted to a masters, so I´ll have to recover my brain functions, too. I bought some alpha-GPC and I´ll have to start brain exercises, too.

    I was at doctor last week (urologist and proctologist). I really tried to tell my urologist that it´s something due to excessive masturbation but I couldn´t really word it. It was my first trial to to do, though. Step by step. He said that there´s no problem at all, the varicocele is small, I have no hernia, no prostatitis. Only advice: do some more sports and don´t smoke. It will help my 100 % impotency, haha. Also, he offered some Viagra/Cialis, but they haven´t had any effect on me for 1-2 years. The other doctor in turn diagnosed hemorrhoids (ok, I was pretty sure) and started the cure. The problem is that they have to pump some liquid in my ass 4 times, one in each 6 weeks and I´m flying home in 3 weeks. So I have to get a doctor there, too to get the cure. At the same time I got a cream from my father (steroid) that he´d got when he had the same problem, and it kills perfectly the unbearable itching.

    All in all, I have stronger cravings and I´m closer to relapses than I was in the first two weeks. I should work a lot more in the following 3 weeks, but I have no motivation, too. Maybe I should start taking the Mucuna pruriens I bought to boost my dopamine level, but I´ve read that it kills the effect of other herbs (it sounds odd, right?) amd it´s pretty addictive (sounds logic, right?). I´m doing a bit less Kegels and I feel now that previously I did overdo it. However I needed it bc without Kegels I felt that I have no pelvic muscles at all (I felt like my prostate and bowels will drop out throught my ass or wherever they can).

    This post is pretty chaotic and not so informative. Sorry about it
     
  13. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife New Member

    DAY 0

    Total relapse. In the morning after an MO I wasn't sure that it was, but then taking free mdma, a lot with alcohol (a lot) and boosting the whole effect with mucuna and 5htp. Crazy. I had a resolution to myself,: six years clean. leave your veins regenerate as much as they still can. I have to stop. Lately I had encounters with anim gif porn from my workplace where I just got to know that there re cameraes. That would be a crazy story. I really have to stop... I will speak to gf about my druck problems, honestly, and maybe she can support me.

    And here is what I cannot even form to phrases bc my brain is too chaotic:

    Today I was out with a friend and we were speaking about their relationship, problems, and the guy has a real deppresive personality, and he is a really nice guy, and she has to support him in basic life functions
     
  14. saneagain

    saneagain Member

    Your symptoms sound quite similar to mine. I had kind of breakdown 5 months ago. Recovering since then. Ringing my ears, kind of deaf, pressure in head, teeth and chest.

    I have read a few journals now. I have a theory that after the age of 25 the body can not cope with excessive masturbation. Most guys who describe those symptoms seem to be >25 years old. For me all those strange symptoms started last year when I was 26. I was fapping from 13 or 14 on until last year like crazy and felt perfectly fine.

    Now I have withdrawals for 5 months now. No way I am going to relapse after going through this.

    All the best wishes for you.
     
  15. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife New Member

    Hey saneagain,

    thank you for your post. Actually, my symptoms had started even before, I just didn't want to notice them and accept the fact that overmasturbation does have harmful effects. What do you mean that our body cannot cope with excessie masturbation anymore? Did you read an article, or you just developed your own theory? You mean that we won't heal at all, or just that we cannot go on with this lifestyle?

    Do you have a journal? I would love to read it.
    All the best for you, too, it will take a long time but I think we will be fine in 1-2 years.
     
  16. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife New Member

    DAY 9

    I couldn't enter my account for a long time. I don't know why.
    3 weeks ago we moved back to our home town with a lot of resolutions. I started to go to psychologist ( a quite hot woman) and hopefully from next week I'll visit anonym sex addict groups, too. I had relapses (last MOs: 03.29 twice, 04.01, 04.04 thrice!!!, 04.10, 04.12, 04.14), I watched porn as well without O, as far as I remember no vids just gifs and pics. A couple of days ago I got some willpower and since then I can easily say no to the cravings of my brain.
    Addiction can be beated by building up a life with full of activities that make you happy and that can give a meaning of life. And of course with profound relationships. Step by step I'm shaping a life that includes brain training (I started it with scientific articles, but I have several websites saved about neuroplasticity excercises), sports, Kegel and reading literature, too.
    I'm taking vitamins, notropics and ayurveic medicine as well. I finished a bottle of Ashwaghandha capsules, now I'm taking Rhodiola, Ginkgo Biloba and Goyi berries. Apart from this zinc+iron+copper, magnesium, vitamin D, and Fish oil. Plus, to regenerate my brain, I'm taking CDP-choline+theanine.
    I have done mediatation a couple of times, but it's really tough for me. I just cannot stop my brain: even when I wasn't watching porn, I was fantasizing about girly/women. I don't thin that I had more than 20 instances in my life when I fell asleep without whatching "mental porn" (OK, when I was totally drunk). In line with this I live two lifes, one in the reality and one in my mind. I always imagine alternative pasts, and this helps me to accept my fucked up life. So I reckon that giving up mental porn and imaginations about alternative pasts go hand in hand with eachother.
    Now somehow I have to spend a lot of time alone with my duties as well as friends. It's gonna be difficult especially in a completely meaningless relationship. Probably giving up my MO and drugs will help me to give up my relationship dependence, too.
    From now on I'll try to post 2-3 times a week.
     
  17. saneagain

    saneagain Member

    You are right about the symptoms. Mine started earlier too. Last year it started with tingling sensations on my head. Way before I also noticed that my sense of hearing became worse. I suspected it might have to do with fapping but did not really believe fapping could cause such severe damage. After I moved in with my parents (plan was to move in for a short time) I fapped 5-8 times I day. After 2 months I had the breakdown with many different symptoms still going on.

    I didn't read an article. It's an observation I made. I have read some posts on different forums where people report having derealisation/depersonalisation from PMO and other symptoms similar to mine. Most of these guys are older than 25 years. I am not talking about light withdrawal symptoms which I also expercienced when I was younger and quit PMO for some time. I'm talking about severe case where people experience symptoms over many months. It seems overmasturbation is not much of problem when we are younger and the body copes much better with it. 2 years ago I felt perfectly fine and I was fapping just like I did 6 months ago. At times when I did not fap the withdrawals were very mild. But 5 months ago the shit has hit the fan. It's 1000x worse than the withdrawals I had 2 years ago. This is also reason why I came back to PMO: I thought I could quit any time and go through 2-3 weeks of manageable withdrawal symptoms. How wrong I was.

    I'll answer the second question first: I am 100% sure I will not and can not go on with this lifestyle. For me it's so bad I could never risk to become so fucking sick again just because of PMO - if I ever recover. I wrecked my mind and body.

    I am not sure I will recover. I am 5 months porn free. I MOed twice after 100 day or so. I also visited a hooker once and was able to get hard but only with stimulation. I did it because I was so fucking scared that this whole shit might be something different than withdrawals. The orgasms didn't really change my condition (they were without porn or fantasy). Since then I continue without P,M or O. I will do it until I am able to work out, run, study and sleep properly again. My life is on halt for 5 months now and I need somehow to get out of this shithole I digged for myself. When I look at myself in 1 year, I don't want to have any excuses why I have not recovered or improved my health. I honestly can't tell you if and when we fully recover. The only thing I know is that porn does not exist for me anymore. Maybe I will MO in some distant future, when I feel fine again. But until then I stay focused and do everything to get better. I don't even count days. I just know the day when I had the panic attack. Since then I did not watch porn. 1 or 2 orgasms in 5 months don't mean a shit. 6 months ago I was fapping 6 times a day. I just keep going.

    I don't have a journal but I am planning to start one to keep track of my status. I recently had opened a thread on another subforum though: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/threads/withdrawals-day-140.37415/
     
  18. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife New Member

    Fuck. I started this journal 4 months ago and hasn't happened much. I moved back to my home country, started some meditation and acupuncture/acupressure on myself, but otherwise no development: drugs, cigs, weed, booze, MO, PMO. Still can't break up with the gf, old ones back to life in other forms (I met my first girlfriend and it was heavenly).
    I spent 3 months in part-time and did nothig. Basically, I have the same pain in my pubic area, tiny penis with scars, not working at all, I get off in 2 minutes. Viagra not working anymore. Taking a shitload of herbs and vitamins. Going to therapist (it turned out that she's a MILF), but not the best one...
    I'm admitted to a uni in Amsterdam, I will fucking love it, and I can keep my job as a freelancer. That's amazing.

    But I really have to start something with my life.
     

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